For it to take this long to realise i havent written about it, or thought about it either. For example. Just now, I thought about what i just told him, as soon as i answered his call, ‘we are sooo in sync. Last five calls or so, you call immediately when i want you to. That. … There. 5 time? really?
In any other occurance in an older situation/relationship, i would focus mostly on the syncs and signs. Not in this case, not with Monsieur Matisse. My brain is not picking up on any of the sync or the signs. Radio has given up transmission, or is it reception. Self defence and preservation, I say? Not believing in what i believe in will protect me, from harm and heartbreak.
I didn’t think this day could come.
What about the MisUnderstandings??? 1- Jumping timelines, 2- Interference/تشويش jamming, 3- I’m crazy, I ‘hear what I want to hear’.
But, he also hears what he- hears: Yesterday’s realisation, that he thought, and still after all this time, and all those conversations about it, that i had gone with another guy and had sex that first night we went out — a month ago. My timeline to him seems to be very confusing. …..
Also, WHERE’s Presence??? Well… We do not seem to need him. So far, it looks like Monsieur the mysterious has it well in control, to be my soulmate. My fucken soulmate. do you mean it do you understand it do you want it yes fuck. And…. to crescendo, Monsieur seems well in control to be my Master. Not only that, but also the light. I still don’t know though. I keep dismissing it. No, I don’t want to delve into my own world, my own mind, heart or soul. I want him to take control. I’ll awaken, i’ll rise, and everything will be alright.
So, I don’t know why or how but it’s been a fucken crescendo since day one. I am dazed a little. Confused why I’m still disconnected from my own data, from my recent, even live experiences, from myself. And things have been going fastly slow.. and smooth with Monsieur Matisse. I just have one wish, I wish it will last. Yes I do, I wish this lasts forever. more.
We met a year and a half from our meeting. As the twenty-minute conversation between us ended and you left me to smoke watching you go, the narrator narrated: “and there goes her soulmate, whom she’ll never see again”. I brushed it of to continue the beginning of the ending.
The pattern, the cycle remains again as I long to fall for what I’m seeing and allow my poor heart the feeling.
My eyes searching, there it is there, looking back at me seemingly understanding this. But again, is it what it seems to be. Why fail now.
Am I seeing too much have I let myself expose my naked soul. It’s his fault for asking the right questions I want to answer him. Why the touch that affirms the look, the word that satisfies my mind. Why the question remains, why isn’t he into this.
Why fail. Lacrimosa my space. Is he my place to enter, Yet again another reflector Gallant and chivalrous knight Painting paragraphs into the scenes If only you were real.
I don’t want to wait for another lifetime. This story has no ending My hell is my fantasy Wanna be your fantasy Soul collector soul connector Set him free let him set me free
I wrote a song. I felt it. As much as I could, I did. Did you hear me. In my dream I can feel you’re so real I wish you could’ve stayed But you bring me back down to earth Someone up there forgot all about me. Asked me to dance. Abandoned my hand. I know I should wait for You to rise the sun, But the night eats me alive. Won’t survive till sunrise.
Could this be happening? because it is. Right now a One is two who’ve just met. Thank you for tonight, sweet dreams madam.
Could this be happening? Because it is. Safe in it’s ongoing stability. Like the dream of him, he cherishes. Sigh.
But could this be happening? How could two misunderstand that both feel the same.
Into what shape will it form.. at least it’s an enlightenment in two. Reality matrix and Mattis Blom and I. Shall we do it? I will.
#Log:
How could two people misunderstand that each of them feels the same way about the other? Last night, second night that it was, we spent it outdoors again, picnic style. But, nearing the end for a moment, there was a misunderstanding loop going between us. It happened when I asked him about his first text to me, when he said it is not a date, when now obviously, it became. In his attempts to answer, with his not 100% English, and the smoking we did, I misunderstand him and what he’s trying to say. I think that actually he was reitterating this is not a date.
So, then, I’m spending this morning and the afternoon feeling really bad, sad and down, hurt crying that I am not wanted by the one I want. However, apparently, him too. Apparently, we both had a terrible hard day, mourning a love unrequited. Both confused whether the other likes them.
Turned out, he likes me a lot. Not only that, but also, he thought that I — I did not want him.. nor was I interested in having a relationship with him more than friends.
He appears to have been chasing me all this time from the beginning. I appear to have been giving out the vibe that made him realise that it’s me he wants. He explains himself, that the prospect of falling in love with me overwhelmed him and his expectations. That our meetings have indeed been turning into flirty dates all on their own. He chooses to be with me, and proceeds to open his heart and his life to me.
I didn’t expect this. I really did not fantasise this outcome. It happened when at 5 pm he sends a text, with some excuse to see him.. now. 5 minutes later, downstairs, in front of my house, he says no, that he didn’t come just for the couple of cigarettes to take from me; it was an excuse to see me, cause he had to see me. He knew that I have misunderstood him last night, and he’s had a hard time since. And so you see, both of our bad day ended when he decided to see me, spontaneously like that. It was five pm. I rose from my bed where I crashed moments before in a surrendered protest of unrequited love.
We had a wonderful third night together, spent it hanging out with his friend in a garden about music and the world. Seeing him with his friend, and him seeing me engaging progressed our new relationship in a good way.
We talk about projects or things we want to make together, and plan next weekend, maybe a party or relaxing in the summer house to star gaze. It could be good things every day. Could happen, really could if only if.. And I could trust him, and I could see where it is going.
I had those dreams about him the other night where we are one, and our relationship is one of cherishing. In reality he’s seeming to be that. He seems to be the same in reality. It seems I cloud trust to try.
This is a very long time coming apology that you deserve to hear from me, And I need to convey it to you and let you know.
I am Sorry for so many things.
I am sorry for the person I was. I am sorry for my behaviour. I’m sorry for the way I treated you. And I’m sorry for the way I mistreated your son.
I am sorry for all the bad decisions that I took that broke our loving family. Sorry for the way things turned out between us. And I am sorry for the time it took me to see the wrong that I did.
I’m sorry for treating you the way I did; it is inexcusable. For taking you for granted; I was ignorant. For not appreciating what we had; I am regretful. And I am sorry for pushing you out, it is unforgivable.
I am sorry for leaving to Jordan. I am sorry for my arrogance. Sorry for my ignorance. Sorry for the way I behaved.
I know sorry won’t fix it, and even if it’s alright with you, it is not for me. I regret it all. You do not need to reply in any way.
LB
NOT SENT:
And I am sorry it is too late to say to you what I really want to say.. I have more that I want to tell you. But I understand and I know that it is selfish of me to want to tell you more. You might not want to hear it as you are in another place, in another life with somebody else. And I won’t, unless you want me to keep talking.
PS. I have written a second letter even if I won’t be sending it to you after all. But, the possibility that it could also be selfish to withhold my feelings, just in case you are like me.. not where you rather be.
Delete, OR read.………..
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Honey,
I hate myself so much for being so stupid, for letting you, and all of our life go, and just like that. I am angry at myself that I was so ignorant and arrogant. And I am angry that whatever wisdom I have gained is too little too late. Too much loss suffers me, nothing I did is excusable, nothing I did to you is forgivable. I wish I can go back in time and
save the best thing that ever happened to me, the best thing that ever happened in my life. I am so sorry that I don’t have a time machine to go back and do things differently, cause I will worship you for you who are, appreciate every moment we have, and adore you for all that you do, live gratefully that I found you, and that you are with me, and that you are mine.
You are the one and the only one who.. so many things I.. I am churning with regret and the loss, and have been for years.
You are the reason I came back to Sweden. At night I keep dreaming about you, about us for three years continuously up to last night. Wonderful dreams of how abundant the love we had between us and for each other was. The family we created that I broke is my biggest regret.
I miss you too much.. and if you are reading this but you do not feel the same way, then please ignore it. Nothing will change. I’ll assume you didn’t read and you deleted this.…
mid coitus he takes a break and says i am not feeling you. I wish it wasn’t like this.. Reiterates for 2 years that he won’t love me, but that it’s bothering him – a bit if not at all, I add.
I manage to relate to his truth, and remembered saying the same to three, if not more. I was distressed by it, back then, the panic of not feeling what I am thinking, Now it’s become the norm, ..amnesia. I was wondering, how I’m busy, giving exactly 5% to make him like me, when I thought about it, and started wondering if I would fall in love with him, myself.
The years and the bad relations I experienced, rendered it un-urgent, far and then forgotten. I assumed with the insomniac, M.U, who is sleeping behind me, that I can and will fall in love with him once he lets me.
I don’t know why i would feel it is true to say that, respond with that statement, when I am not informed about my own field of information. this amnesia, problem.…
The point Mattias, is when you find a person who can match your frequencies, who thinks and makes things like you, who wants to hear you talk, and whom you wanna fuck; someone who you imagine in real-time, doing many different things with: could make this life interesting, and bring self-exploration. Could be happy together.
If you don’t think you are capable of living up to the last time you were in love, then we share this.xx
crying because suddenly remembered dream. rupert. recurring again.
Familiarity.
I thought what we had between you and I, the familiarity and carefreeness, was out there. With every one I chose to be with, it furthered away from me, from the world.
Until I started dreaming of you. And now I realised as I in the kitchen cried, as the kettle boiled, and dabbed the sudden bloody scar on my leg. I remember you, or the dream, or both at the same time. And I started to cry.
I have no one like you. No one to baby me.
I think of Mattias. “I know you are the one for me..” looking out of the window in his kitchen before we left for the last time. Behind him I watched, aware not to share the familiarity. Let him have the moment. It is important.
I was sure I will find him-my soulmate since I dared to dream. Even in the mental state school/ANS put me in. Every boy I connected with was it; until it wasn’t.
Did I do something when I magicked the mirror in the great transformation of ’97? It was: I am the most and only, All guys want me, all girls want to be me.
It worked, and it works still, but the #genie.
Haven’t been on dates since Mattias in March. And when a while ago, preparing a joint a new crying rolled out I was thinking of him standing there and what he is missing. The things I would have said and shared. The ideas the could’ve been born. The fun. All kinds.
This never happened before now. Apart from one drunken breakdown last time I saw you. I never felt like talking to you before this, and I’m feeling what I am because my dreams are tormenting me. I’ll start with that.
I only started dreaming about you extremely recently. I don’t know how long because time makes no sense, but maybe only shorts weeks. Not so no, I did dream about you but again only recently, this time time is in years, very rarely, a couple of times. Then there was that very very rare nightmare, where you were there, julie and the tyrannosaurus rex in the night. That was mainly a bad dream because of what you did.…
Bipolar express train, beginning and finishing chapters in moments. Speed of pain progress, mental psychological.
I thought today as you looked at me on your couch, or maybe it didn’t happen like that, how I wish you could get inside my mind and know everything and how gracefully I’m handling lifetimes in duration of words.
I’m happy we didn’t talk. If your body didn’t talk to mine, I would have not come back. I was struggling, to tell your body more, to tell you all, to show love, to show anger. But every time I’d stop.
I’m glad we didn’t talk about what happened. I wanted to, I needed to, I thought we should clarify, After I got home I felt glad we didn’t.
Then driving home from school I realized that somewhere I have allowed myself to fall in love with you. Rollercoaster ride handling notions, emotions. Things between us deconstructed, changed, leveled up. Until I found myself accepting my role as your mother, knowing well that there is no way I could really be that for you If I stop myself from falling in love with you- If I don’t fall in love with you.
This self-trust, Ever-progressing philosophies have been shaping me out of myself into my self. Speed reduced from years to months to days to minutes to moments. Blessings upon me.
Hear of this moment, unanticipated revelation of unprecedented proclamation of “Mama, I want you to fuck me.”
My lower insides are heating up just by writing it. Realizations led me to decide on taking up my imagination once more. The tarot concurred emphatically again and again. So I engaged myself sexually without porn, and gave you a scene of acquaintance and interaction with mama’s, that’s my fantasy.
I learned today from Emerald that fetishes relate to trauma, and so I allowed myself to start exploring the pedophilic incidents with the gardener. I’m aware I am capable of experiencing it objectively, without hating him, which was what I was told to do anyway. What an issue this topic is today though. I mentioned it to mama this afternoon, ‘they’re resetting social norms back to original, natural sexual norms, where there is no childhood.’
I never wrote this way before. I don’t include life snippets unless they are major anchors. …
Sitting here thinking about my ego; so let’s think it through.
Apparently, it is my Ego, of course. Or is it my Archetypes..
One thought at a time; My Ego is vulnerable to the rejection. I feel hurt, confused, insulted, That instead of telling me we’ll be together, you wonder what would happen to me when you’re gone.
And the Archetypes, starting with the great mother, who feels unnecessary, Aphrodite’s broken heart breaks some more. Eve, feels she has failed. Lilith, thinks there’s been sabotage. And Alial, who doesn’t know what to do, what wisdom lies here, and how to manifest my desire, she is lost but under a mercy of peace.
The song theme for this chapter is Enjoy the Silence. Been listening to it for days. Texted it to you, H. Heard a new cover on speakers in mall while tying Julie’s laces. Now looking for other versions, for ones that speak to me.
What wisdom lies here?
My genuinely pure efforts to love you, to earn your love to love me back. All that is left in your head are the last harsh word. harmful, unnecessary words. I wanted to hurt him. I can move on this fast and faster., Get lost in the great mechanism to go on, Lifeline of optimism, blind faith I will be loved by the one I love, for how I am, for how I love, for how he loves me.
I let my ego behave for me, as a protest, for the love of me, for the honor of gods and truth.
I’m not enjoying his silence. It speaks to me of how he does not need me. Won’t fight for me. I am always grateful that none of these Xs fought for me. I think of it often, how god forbid I would’ve been married to any of them.
Deconstructing relationshipspast:
From projecting my fantasies unto the poor bastard’s soul, and my ego reacting hysterically and far into suicidal extremities,,
To completely unattaching myself in any way shape or form. What remains is the same. Rejection is sword through heart.
I love him, and I want to fall in love with him. I choose to wait, Listen to the silence. …
“What will happen to you when I leave?” “What will you do when I leave?” “What’s gonna happen to you when I go?”
I don’t even know what you said. It’s not the first time you do. Whatever it was you said the first time. This time; not a word from my lips. Why bother, right? Here we are again, me. Here we are here again. Slapped in the face. Hit below the belt. You shot me with a gun. I thought about shooting you in Atlantis. I understood something that I have now forgotten.
Minutes and you don’t look my way. I decide I don’t want you to see the tears, because why bother.
How do you start this chapter? How do you write this story?
Synergy
When in her arms a mighty angel hid And showed her how hurt burns How he needed all of this More than this Both wanting the same Both uncertain please no more heartbreak.
children. “I like you.” I don’t know if you like me. adults. She can’t say I love you and kiss him. How can I surrender if you go. fool. Breaking my heart. Can you handle me. “I’ll handle more. I need more.” “I know.” “baba”
Life is very intimately personal. There is no Now. That fleeting moment passed, unexistant. What is was and will remain is Affect. Sensation transforms into thought, and thought is immortal.
Now is a teaser for a future tomorrow, Worry of what could be, Or cease to be. Torus can’t sleep, driven by future financial security. Virgo can’t awake, driven by future familial safety. No futureless now. My now is focused on the future. Will I be happy like this?
Then when in Peace, the now really exists. The way the air moves around him, Body borrowed from a sun god, Confidence traversed from another time Charisma transmuting my inner being Essence from another dream
How do you start this chapter? How do you write this story. By being authentic of course.…
The O was transformed, then transported astrally away from me. It was taken away from me, I accepted, and let it go. I knew the O was leaving to do something important. I let my intention out real loud, Hasan.
It was tantric, interdimensional, a different pallette.
I was visited by a realm of PURITY. INCONNECE. CHILDishness. Trust. Love. UnSexual.
CLEAR. Robust. Mechanical. A code.
It was happening to me. Not in me. External. I let it in. I gave it my orgasm, Knowing it meant the sensual sexual aspect won’t happen. I gave it away like a favour, like a gift, like the right thing to do, I let it take my orgasm, as I sat cross-legged, feeling like a child in school, attentively focused on the mentor’s advice, big wide trusting eyes, Inquisitiveness unnecessary for this moment, I gave it,
In three distinct waves it took it out from me from the lower left side it left, I could see it in my mind, energy.
And I rode it hard with my Intention. Like a rode him tonight. Blindfolded viking, wrists tied behind his back, I gave it to him. He called out to me
mama
I hear you
“a Virgo woman will be able to experience her sensual, earthy nature with Torus in a way that she could not with another man.”
Dizzy [Quantum Jumps] Earlier, daytime:
Instead of riding the dizzy spell and willing jumping into another dimension, for a reason today I firmly said no. It felt different. I was not accepting.
I literally spoke out loud ‘shoo’ , shooing it away left side with my hands. Three times.
I completely released myself free from it grasp. It went upwards and to the left.
Doing that felt great. The sick feeling, dizziness and nausea stopped in its path. …
“When I look to the east I think of you softly waiting for the vines to abdicate their portion of your heart. So you can be chiseled out of the matrix with smooth hammer strokes from my hands. Freed of the coal, the black rot of untouched shoulders, you can open your eyes again flashing the iridescent animals, valiant vibrations of your rich spirit.” — TDK, Dec 2018
Balance. Myself. Her Reinhibiting my soul, pacifying my mind, animating my body. Around him, I feel. I feel I want to be close. Even nearer than that. Into the primal abyss again, and beyond.
I live for our malleable Energy.
I feel mine.
dc
I’m not disconnected. I am more whole everyday. I don’t have any thoughts, or questions. I have feels.
This is a phase to make a last code[pendence. How two become whole.
Bedded champion refused to turn away bravely held back onto his gaze Levels of anxiety at a fading minimum There’s that element remaining of ghost eyes, void brain.
An event (cause and effect) is internal as much as it can be external.
I created an event, thus I feel it’s signature energy animate me. If I hadn’t, I would be feeling and doing something else.
What is drama and how do you cause it?
How this will make me feel in any of the scenarios, #Karma. I’m putting myself to this situation purposefully. Considering the ramifications of any scenario on my #subs.
If creating a fantasy, manipulating events is sin or right. To consciously experiment actively play around with paradigms of world, relationships.
He doesn’t recognize me. Should I cyber relation and reveal later as the epic happy ending twist.
I could end it right here.
I’m the master of my own puppets.
nevermind.
I haven’t read the last bit. I doesn’t go well. Should I read it?
ok not bad,
Defense mechanism.
Time to grow out of it. U only hurt yourself the most in the end.
I was growing to trust you.
Too little, too soon. Everything takes time.
Defence mechanism triggered for trust related issue.
the cyber him, more than a soulmate. A twinflame. and the ‘real’ him. everything I don’t want. apart from big kok. funny.
how should she treat him? karma.
what’s wrong with my head. I have the wrong memories of cyber him, cyber us. The subpersonality imprinted real onto cyber. but they are two different people. everything I want is there, in cyber space…
story-line: when they sleep and meet in dreams, they are perfect. in life, they are not close. He pines for her and she is not into him, high on her horse.
Disney magic needed to fix the shituation.
…
Sometime later: I found a brutely honest letter which I might have sent him, and reading it nullified the pangs of sorrow above.
still the #karma remains. Take it along with out. Two bags now to carry until I’m ready to open them. #subperson…
First one to realise dager and escape from an unknown reality town bar full of people when I (hear) that a T-Rex is on the loose. Nighttime, beautiful modern suburb. Choose any house. Beautiful bedroom and big door closet with gym equipment. I know others will soon come to hide and fill the place up so I realise that choosing a pretty place for me is irrelevant. A bedroom with a whole glass wall. …
Sometimes, her soul would finally awaken just enough to focus its energies. And she begins to grab her will, and shout out to the universe for intervention, a solar flare. If she could manage this action, her body starts to come alive. The actress can evoke now and she starts repossessing her self, and it brings her to life.
If her will is strong enough, the call reaches the heavens. She connects with the universe and begins receiving a magical energy, shivering, pulling and playing her body like an avatar. She knows if she lets it take over, it will intensify. But she lets it go. She has no will to do it. Deep down inside, she has lost the courage.
Why can’t I snap out of it. Hacked? hijacked?
I look at myself from the top of the room. I see the actress, numb and unwilling to act the scene of lifetimes. She knows the script, she’s the author, but she won’t will or force herself to try and play. She’s tired to even be involved in her own life story.
But why.
I was a fool for love, not anymore dear unbroken heart. A hero unwilling to answer the call, wanting to but soon slipping into amnesia. A ghost performing what it remembers it was like being alive.
I hide and cover, while some other acts on my behalf. I don’t say and do what I really want to. I retreat and let it go away. I am afraid of being caught in a real moment. Without the awakening energy, I am a frightened little girl. A hero in a fairytale that never answers the call to adventure. Spontaneity shocks me, and I stop and silence my soul. There are no other me’s within me or around me of above me. I’m on my own, and I feel unsafe to play the journey. I’m a light version of myself with minimal capabilities and compatibility issues. The upgrade to my full version needs the energy of an Awakening. Being me once between every upgrade not only strips the new powers gained but also memory is regressing into very uncomfortable corners.
So used to living alone, I treat F like a new relationship, guarded in moments of truth and masked in face of glory. If only Shakey Lulu… If only a flare.
Orgasm magic, invoking Laila, saying my name, bravely keep going after I cum.
…I forgot about Alial…
I feel so much now of empty space of memories that I have to defragment, and cut my losses.
Maybe if you took a moment into hands, forced me against a wall somewhere, and reached to kiss me, but stopped so there is only time between us. A moment of truth. A real moment, to wake me up.
But you are like me, Virgo.
I write to find a lesson somewhere in the knit of stuff. I need to know why I have allowed myself to fail. I kept trying to save myself by sending clues I find, in the short connections between boughs of amnesia, to understand what I am missing, why is it that I am regressing and not progressing. Courageousless.
Feelings of being out of tune and lost inside. Misaligned in another timeline. Unfocused and unaware, like being in a dream and then falling asleep into another. It’s hard to remember to concentrate with the life around me, hard to feel or to desire anything;
.. little to no will to participate in a fucking hero journey.
‘connect with your past to be more present now.’
‘courage is the will to overcome the fear’
Coaxing myself to possess this body with orgasm magick. The only faith I have.
If I was in a battle, I would die because I’m uninvolved, in my mind and not in my body.
religions made us fear life and living, and programmed us not to hunger for life, but the afterlife. What’s next is better.
Pagans around the planet lived in the same care for detail and meaning as we play a RGB game. Every bird has a message, every sign is a clue.
Vikings are the epitome of playing the game for their fearless thirst for being killed in battle.
Throughout the trip with F, my senses and I should have been basking in the satisfying scenes of the most wonderful daydreams. But my words and my actions, my emotions were hard to come, painstakingly forced out. I felt broken.
A husk of a ghost of a spirit that should always be within me. why do I impersonate her? Disconnected from my higherself – here and now – by purpose? Fate? Or am I broken?…
Leaving the known world and entering the unknown part of the journey.
I walked a (very old wise man), in the streets of Amsterdam. His hunched back, smart winter attire, walking him back home, his life in my hands. He was composed and dying. He held my hand and I thought his trust in me is a cosmic test, that I tried to play along with, but couldn’t. I didn’t want to. I failed. I felt like a child. He was my mentor from the universe. I disappointed him. I didn’t care. I was too depressed, in shock.
this is from a dreamthis is a bad dream
On the couch, his traumatic moment of madness begins to boil out. Kneeling down in front of him, his absent-minded soulmate sees the horror of his pureness killed, he is utterly betrayed. She watches as his life unfolds right in front of her eyes, but she’s hovering silently outside her insides.
Until suddenly the hologram eyes appear. He piercingly stares, immediately, and deeply into her soul. But it’s not enough to bring her out. He then surrenders and displays vengeful regret, utter rejection; and then the look of total, painful disbelief of her unexpected failure to connect.
Lying on the bed, his hands reverently, feverently search for his necklace. He prays to the cosmos between sobs of shock. But he clearly sees her trying to transform into his soulmate.
She absentmindedly notices him grabbing the necklace and accepts the challenge without further thought. Awkwardly she dismounts him and goes to fetch her earings. She sits back on top of him and clumsily tries to force the earings on as he interjects: “No, don’t! Anything but the earrings..” his voice chokes into painful terrors, as if he’s saying enough is enough. But it was she who have had enough. Fine! And she stops trying to put the silly earrings on and toss them like a spoilt child to the wall.
I left him in his nightmarish sleep, and did an unusual thing. I walked in the new city alone. And smoked.
We are travelling in a cool pickup truck at night. Between us there is complete trust, love and codependency. He is driving, suddenly rearing offroad down a steepish hill. He doesn’t notice, there’s no harm. I tell him this is not a road, and he’s surprised and then he looses control and we crash into a house’s garage. No harm done and no big deal. The owner is outside and uninterested in what happened. He is a farmer and F has a calm talk with him about something completely different, while I look around going up the hill a little.
I walk into a second floor of a building, a hall outside offices with shops. A knowing inside tells me this is where my dad and uncle’s offices are, so be careful. (I’m also supposed to be travelling in another country, so I shouldn’t bump into them.) A familiar man greets me with a smile. I recognize him as someone I had one tinder date with (although not true in real life). He was big and fat and white. pointy beard, white in his hair, and wears black eye glasses, holding a takeaway coffee cup. He’s standing in the corner of the busy big hall and I greet him happily even kiss his cheek.
Suddenly uncle D comes out and sees me.
Nighttime, upper garage of my family home. I’m with my dad, and someone other male, maybe cousin M. We seems to waiting for something. They talk together sitting calmly, I walk down to the lower garage. The haris is rude to me. It’s very late to be out. I see something and I lean down, as cousin D comes out, taller, thinner, bitchy, madeup. Btitlawa2 w btitkhawat as rudely as the haris treated me (like a whore).
finally, F arrives in the truck to pick me up. Julie wakes me up before we get to leave.
Dream 2
We are going to someone’s house, maybe a couple’s. I say to F that I’m sure it’s gonna turn out to be Habbeh. When a woman and a man behind her come to greet us it is indeed her. I act out my reaction dramatically, fainting like and sitting on a bench, saying to F see didn’t I tell you.. Feelings of excitement, anger and longing, as me and H hug and kiss cheeks. She is happy and positive.
Inside, she shows me her baby son. F loves children. I cradle the baby boy but H hands me another cartoonishly smaller baby boy who is hyper and I worry I can’t hold both safely and ask her to do something about it.
F is for some reason now hiding playfully under a loveseater couch. I place the smaller baby down for F to take.
note: pulled out from dreams: went to bed at 4 am, julie woke me up at 6 with a start (she was sick). went back to bed for a couple of hours, woke up with a start again.…
I heal, I meditate and attract and connect when my body dances.
K helped the stride of my blooming in a tremendous way. He gives me the key, the shortcut, the tested and tried, and I know he knows why I am thanking him.
I sat, enjoying myself, listening to Coeur de la Nuit – headphones, J in my hand, dancing in my seat; and I have been thinking about KJ Today; just thinking, just remembering and thinking, nothing at all in particular: just You, and how It is making me feel.. I was enjoying this happiness which is now not so disconnected, and more continuous. Just observing the state of my being, my feelings, and what emotions I feel. Brain asks: but are you depressed?
I started thinking about it, looking out at the storm outside, and then snapped out of the question, smoothly, shortly after saying, Nope. And here for the third time, and all today, I realize how much Kj’s influence on me is affecting me Right.
I remained in my happiness.
I went on to other things, and as I was looking at older posts, I saw this.
/end
So, Without processing.. and continuing my being… (+work:findnewjob:))
for in this life, so much is here that I want to satisfy from, & long to.. layers of exotically familiar senses waking up, inviting me .. my brain is thirsty for living this kind of life, ya kj.
You can’t retain memories of how it felt, but you can access the ambiance by invoking the memory itself; like euphoric goosebumps. #just with you
When you are happy, you are always horney – for many things.
Suddenly today, I saw the moment my guard pulled down, by itself, like invisible theatrical curtain. I felt. I was transported to that ambient realm of feeling alive.
“It begins to look as if we ourselves, by a last minute decision, have an influence on what a photon will do when it has already accomplished most of its doing…we have to say that we ourselves have an undeniable part in shaping what we have always called the past. The past is not really the past until it has been registered. Or put it another way, the past has no meaning or existence unless it exists as a record in the present.” — John Wheeler
Just before I met you, something happened as I was sitting in front of my computer one day. I suddenly felt a huge presence of an Emotion, a Feeling overwhelmed me entirely completely. I had to close my eyes to process the massive amount of emotion that overcame me; from nothing… for no reason at all….
This post is the feeling.
When I titled the entry, I chose the usual tag: #prayer, so my wish comes true. And then, came you.
Was it a premonition? Or did a parallel reality bleed into this?
Was I someone else? Or was I me, somewhere else
What I know of that reality, is that I was feeling this way. That I was living with my husband, my soulmate in a house together. That we were in the same room, that the Emotional Energy I felt was because he did something. I don’t know what though.
And I felt honored… out of appreciation, and respect, and gratitude.
His gratitude was intense. And so was mine.
Somebody wants me Mind, Heart, Body, and Soul. And I feel exactly the same way. Gratitude. How intense will our gratitude be.
I write this for my own sake. This is truthful and is dedicated to you.
Do I begin with the beginning, or do I tell you conclusions without going into details? I’ll just go with the flow.
I want to write. That’s always the only way to start.
You need to know then understand why I am not surprised, or shocked to suddenly have you appear in front of me. And why I don’t feel the emotions that go with this, that could describe exactly how I feel. If you are my soulmate, wether or not I feel it, I know it could be true. I have been aware of your existence since I was little.…
In this world I hear a whisper..Damn you fool, it should mean nothing.I was fast asleep and numb and fine in my world, and then:You.
You think you’re a god, you think you’re a thing,You think you’re everything I dream of! You think I’m me, you think I’m you, You think that all I need in my soul is you, and it’s true.
Life is so full of signs that lie, and so completely synchronised.
The presence comes and the presence goes,
And it’s almost full, it’s almost right, it’s almost mine!
And, if it is over then it is over! If it’s not then it is not. No matter how high my walls rise I drop, drop, drop Into a life that unfolds into events that I don’t want to participate in,
Just fuck off..
Am I hacked? Am I hacked… am I hacked! How do I connect to my own self? How do I connect to my own self? How do I connect to my own self? How do I connect to my own self? How do I connect to my own self? How do I connect to my own self? Am I hacked?How do I connect to my own self?Am I hacked?How do you connect to my higher self? Am I hacked?How do I connect to my own self?Am I hacked?How do you connect to myself..
And I hate you, because you are asleep. and I am awake and it feels so unfair. so alone. so alone. so alone with my fucken self …
Never ever write anything to anyone. Write it for you. Spell out yourself. The truth, not the explanation.
I am disappointed, and I am frustrated. I am not brokenhearted. I am saved by my own inability to feel reality.
The same cycle, the same method, the same lesson, but this time I was incapable of falling in love, no matter how hard I forced myself. Cause I would forget. I’m in oblivion. I am not in any reality.
I can’t concentrate on anything said or done. I can’t relate it later. I am unavailable.
I am frustrated. For the first time I got to talk to you #presence, disconnected from reality and the person you are channelling through. I told you how angry and alone I feel and that I deserve a clearer instruction by now. I told you what I though was going on, what this life as a matrix is to me, and how I only want to exit the game. No answer. Just a pre-recorded message that comes through from time to time through different souls.
I wrote a song. I felt it. As much as I could, I did. Did you hear me.…
This is my closure with you. I will say what I will say for the respect of the divine and good things we shared. But you are not who I thought you are. I know what I want and what I don’t. I want someone who is on my level or higher. Someone who respects me, someone who appreciates me through and through. Someone who sees the truth in me even if I am down and depressed. Someone who treats me the same way I treat him. Someone I can depend on and trust blindly. Someone who is not you.
Saying thank you to me when I am there for you in your time of need is not enough. Either you took me forgranted, or you are one of the sick people I keep crashing into. You have showed me where I stand, and it is exactly: no where. I am invisible to you.
Saying you appreciate me for being there for you is one thing. But seeing how you treat me is another. I didn’t appreciate it at all when you were telling your friend at Murphy’s about how great I am for being there for you and helping you. Because you never looked at me, not once. You didn’t even mention my name. I was sitting with you on that table, and I saw you talking about me as if I wasn’t there. Yet, when she paid for your drinks, she was everything that you saw. You even cried a little. She didn’t deserve your intimate hug or your love for paying a bill. You saw her, but you didn’t see me. I am invisible to you.
It was the first and only time I went out with you and your friends. It was very unnatural to witness you being so cold and careless. You just spent weeks with me and you didn’t see any of them. Now I was there, with your friends, and I was expecting you to be near me, close to me, showing me off to your friends. That I am this person who stole you from them. But it was nothing like that. I felt like someone you were using to waste time with. You aren’t happy to be with me. You aren’t proud to be with me. You don’t need me like I thought you did.
I don’t even know if you ever heard me when I say anything to you. You didn’t react the way you should have in Cube. I told you all about the dream I had the minute I woke up from it. About being in the wrong place with the wrong people and how it made me feel in the dream. How I escaped and jumped from reality to another. About how disconnected you were from me in the dream. Did you hear any of it. Did you see how the dream manifested into reality? That I was reliving it all over again? You didn’t feel me. I was invisible to you. Even when I managed to escape and ‘jump reality’ and leave the hell that is Cube.. you didn’t even follow. Just like you didn’t follow in the dream. That’s a sign for me. And I accept it. I accept that you are not mine and that you will never see me eye to eye.
The only reason I haven’t deleted you yet is for the respect of the magical few moments we shared. When I thought I saw you. When I thought we clicked. I thought… and I was not right. I still don’t get it, and I don’t want to get it. All those signs and syncronicities meant something, but they are ruined.
Atleast I was awakened enough to write a song, after so many years of nothing. Thank you for breaking my fragile dreams.
I wonder why you kept putting me down regarding anything to do with me. Could you be intimidated by me. That’s your problem. I don’t think you will change. You are stuck somewhere in your past. All I wanted is to go somewhere better, together. Good bye Ivan.…
you think this is a message for you? you think my life is for your reading? to take whatever you understand? you think you care? do you even see me? do you even understand ME? i can’t take this! fuck this! no nothing is happening and nothing is going on! and it is all fucken DRAMA.
this is my life! this is my heart! this is my soul, my mind my life. I don’t want to feel this way, i was fine by myself. I never wanted to dream of you every damn time i fall asleep. I dont want to know how disconnected you are from me. I dont want any of this. its too late now. too late. too late too late too late too late cause i feel i feel i am feeling i am feeling and what i feel is how far i am from what i want. i want this and this is SHIT
The last few weeks have been full of signs and completely synchronised. The Presence in a messenger came, a mini awakening painfully happened. It was almost full, almost intimate, almost perfect. If it is over now, it is over. If it is not, it is not.
I wish it was not. I wish it never happened. No matter how high the walls were, my heart is aching now.…
Sent to snap me out of it, I instead sink deeper within the layers of familiar disconnection. I can’t connect parts of myself to me. I can’t even observe and take notes for later. And he is so patient. And I feel so dumb and out of touch with reality. I am beyond the feelings of disappointment. Beyond feeling panic and guilt of time well wasted by me.
I am taking a step back and I want to find where the energy is being blocked.
He says nothing new. Nothing new at all. I’ve been through more, back and forth. Awakening and falling back to oblivion. But it’s too much this time. It’s too much that in all these very special circumstances I find myself not having an ounce of energy to accept anything.
I tried playing different roles. I tried none at all.…
In the silence of the darkness when all are fast asleep I live inside your dreams calling to your spirit As the sail calls the wind, here the angels sing.
Far behind the sun, across the western sky Reach to the blackness, find a silver line In a voice I whisper a candle in the night Will carry all our dreams on a single beam of light.
Close your eyes, look into the dreams Winds of changes will winds of fortune bring.
Fly away to a rainbow in the sky Gold is at the end for each of us to find.
There the road begins where another one will end, Here the four winds know who will brake and who will bend All to be the Master of the wind.
Falling stars now light my way,
my life has written on the wind Clouds above, clouds below,
high ascend between the spirit When the wind fills the sky
and clouds will move aside, There will be a road to all our dreams
and for every day that stings To better days it brings,
The anxiety is gone. I am me. You are melting me into myself.
I can feel my skin of stone melting. The ice in my heart is melting. I look around and I see time itself melting. There is nothing but now. So calm. So light. Everything is just right. I’m surrendering to reality.
This is not the usual psychological vomit. I will not try to persuade myself into snapping out of it and just be in the Now. It doesn’t work.
This time, I differently approach this particular #soulmate#Salvation situation:
Compare and contrast the data:
The 2 dreams about #Evil Savior sharing the same motif. In reverse is it I.B?
The dreams came one before, and one after we met. It’s been in total 4 days, I guess. Both dreams are one message. Think of the badman character and your own character in both dreams. Then do the same and think about I.’s character and mine/laila. Aren’t they opposites?
Think about the things he was saying to you: that it is as if he is ‘hearing no one talking’, I am the ‘same voice talking in his head’. Think about when he said that; in response to what was going on. And think about what you said, when suddenly the walls came tumbling down between us.
I saw him, because he was looking right at me. Think about #Presence. Remember your reaction of utter disbelief in what’s happening. Think how light you felt, how pure it was, and how very simple everything was.. When two souls say hi.
Consider every sign and synchronicity
And most importantly, find out why you have to write this.
The problem is.. the reason why you blocked yourself is that if you don’t reverse the dreams meaning, then I.B is the #Evil Saviour.
Your disbelief that he has connected with you on this level is terrifying you because you can’t believe it is actually happening. You are so disconnected from anything that is not you. He came to you and he said hi. He recognized you. It’s a new level and you are lagging behind. You are so afraid of what is at the end of the level. You don’t want to die of a broken heart and restart the level. You convinced yourself that your other half is not alive, not for this life. You decided that, and you set the rest of your life to play this script. You are the writer and you are the creator of your reality. But, listen. See. Let something big go. Because the next scene has been hijacked away from me. I am not running the script, the new script. An intervention. An interruption, of your transmission. It is coming from outside. L.B and I.B. are in the moment when it could mean soulmate, and it could not. One question and one answer.
My instinct knows it is a yes,
that this is actually happening. And that I will snap out of myself. He is him. Notice how slowly you are recognizing him. He just recognized you first.
Lets go to the Citadel.
PS: The dreams end differently!
PSS: There is a time shift because I remember these dreams to be extremely recent. In a row. They are in fact a month apart, and might have both been before I.B.…
I read a days old notification on Bedoo saying I. has Liked me. I make sure it is the same guy I know, and I Like him back. It’s a Crush. I make sure he was not once attached to DK and I send a FB request. It was accepted, quickly. The next evening, I send a message, hello.
حذارة مكشوفة للنفر
روح مكشوفة للجذب
قلب عقله في ضوء مظلم
و عقل قلبها في ظلام مضيء
يريد ما تريد و تريد ما يريد
يأخذ بيدها.. يترك، تأخذ بيده و تترك
تعب و خوف مزمن من حياة رفضت ان تبدأ
و روح عاهرة شاغفة تريد ما تريد
ساعة في ضوء ظل و ساعة في ظلام منير…
I dreamt that you were in my bedroom and mama came and saw you asleep in the bed. But her problem was that baba will find you because he’s around. So I tell you to hide behind the bed but you say nah baba won’t come in. But he does and he sees you. I don’t remember what drama happened next. I only remember how I felt that you didn’t trust me to hide, and I trusted your confidence.…
I am content.
Months have passed progressing this way forward.
My alien life completing, expanding.
Cosmic genies gave my wishes to me.
Life feels more like mine.
Energy to will productivity,
and control over my self.
An intriguing guy I long to fall in love with,
contenting me in various ways.
It must be easy to fall in love with you,
but I can’t feel it.
Shouldn’t take offense of what she said.
Come closer to her, instead.
But you left.
She held out her hand all night.
Will you jumpstart her trust.
You are it.
And you ran.
This isn’t a game.
Are you not it then?
Is she in this alone?
That’s dumb.…
So it’s 2013 and I’m fairly happily involved with someone. We get along well. We don’t succumb to serious drama.
Then I message Laila. I tell her she’s cute.
Laila says, “I love you so much” in one of the third or fourth messages. I served. We volley. She spikes an “I love you so much.” And I love her so much for it.
Laila is a lot like me, in very particular and unique ways; ways no one else has ever fit before. – It’s almost strange.
It IS strange.
Laila has my lamp. It’s the only time I’ve ever seen another one and will most likely ever see again said lamp.
Lulu’s on the fucken moon.
Laila and I like each other.
I like Laila. I really do.
I never thought I’d find her but I do. We find each other.
Before long we understand we’ve known each other before. Long before, for a long, long time.
Laila and I are not stupid.
We know what we’re talking about.
I, nor my lovely newfound friend Laila don’t fantasize things. We corroborate information.
We observe, we analyze, we cross-reference.
We are not psychically or spiritually impaired.
We know what we’re talking about.
This is immense in your hearts as well as our minds. There really isn’t much doubt.
We don’t find twin flames around every corner.
Not at all.
So this is us…now……over a long distance at our keyboards and
screens.
screens.
Frankly, I am in love already with Laila.
I think Laila is in love with me.
We hear one another’s thoughts; we incidentally have what are no longer coincidences after the umpteenth time.
We are always opening the app at the same time; we are on the same wavelength, quite literally.
I’m amazed.
I’m relieved.
I’m in shock.
But I’m not surprised – I’ve known all along.
Laila too.
She’s the one but I’m confused.
It’s all so confusing….so….
Much.
I’m head over heels.
I pack up and I head out.
I fly to Sweden.
My girlfriend is gone. In basically one fell swoop, musical chairs change.
I’m on way to see Laila after much ado about something.
(These days it’s much ado about nothing.)
I meet Laila. I’m beside myself.
Laila is beautiful. Laila is….Laila. My soulmate.
I had all but given up on soulmates.
I kiss Laila.
I’m stunned. Out of my body. Agog.
We drive away.
Then we’re in bed. I adore her.
She’s bleeding all over the place.
The sheets are ruined.
Why should I have cared? Why did I give it any thought?
What was I thinking anyhow?
Am I her twin to her? Is she really mine?
I don’t remember.
And besides, I’ve never seen this body she now inhabits….this face. But she’s familiar. She reminds me of myself.
She’s beautiful.
I’m tired. I’m delirious and belly-aching from the longest plane ride of my fettered life.
She’s menstruating.
I’m cramping.
We seem to both be trying; not doing.
Laila tells me to just finish.
She says I’ve had a long plane ride.
Things get strange. Thoughts invade a space they don’t belong, by both of us.
Perhaps it’s me.
Maybe it’s her.
Maybe it’s both of us.
The mood darkens.
We walk and she stops.
Laila is not happy.
I’m not me.
She’s not her.
Fuck.
But I love her.
I’m confused.
So confused has my life been I don’t even know if I’m confused. THAT’S utter confusion.
But…
I’m sad.
She’s sad.
She’s mad. I’m mad.
My twin!
I can’t think straight.
I can’t feel straight!
Suddenly I’m on the other side of the world; top of that planet,
my life instantly altered entirely.
I left everything and everyone behind.
Why?
Because I love Laila. She’s her.
She’s my twin.
I don’t fuck around when it comes to that.
I would have created one in my mind long ago, or a handful in my mind.
No.
It’s Laila.
I wouldn’t have left it all behind otherwise.
Stockholm is cold and deserted and neither of us have a sense of
direction.
direction.
Didn’t matter…..but it did.
On 22 Jan 2016, LB <@me.com> wrote:
I am Laila.
It is September 2013.
I have started a new life.
I’ve separated from husband and I have decorated and moved into my own new room.
I am minding my own business and recovering from a deep and long depression.
I’ve changed. I’m getting to feel better again.
Then I see a message in my inbox and it says that I am cute. He looks cute too.
I reply, something.., and we don’t stop talking until it is June 2014. We talk all day and all night, eastern & western hemispheres.
Then, suddenly I find myself driving down to the city to face fate.
4 hours, by myself, driving without an official license in a country I am not from.
I am not excited. I am not happy.
If fate indeed is guiding me, why can’t I stop telling myself to fucken stop worrying, that I am completely going to hate him, and myself, and all will be demolished in a few hours.
I stop my car infront of the Grand Hotel, and the valet sweeps her away.
I guess that I am stupid. Because it cost me 4000 kroner for parking. or was it 2000.
The room is too small.
I know this is not going how it should be going.
Nothing feels right.
What is wrong.
I let myself have a private moment, and take a timeout from reality. I fill the huge bath and force myself to calm down and relax.
On top of everything, I have my period.
I know that this costly endeavor is not meant to be.
But faith helps me shush it away. And then I find myself outside the airport, standing still, drinking starbucks and smoking.
It was one of those moments when I knew that after a few minutes, everything will change. My life will change. I will change.
Present moment, and all the recent yesterdays, will become a chapter in the past, soon.
I was terrified. There are no alignments, there are no signs. I am on my own. Destiny is not cheering.
It’s somewhere else and far away.
I was wishing I was home. Not involved in my life.
The longest minute of life was so boring.
And inside the airport, the first passengers are already walking out. Where is he.
What will I do when I see him?
How will I handle it if he turns out to be- well, not him.
There! Oh no.. I see him.
My hearts drops and dies between my feet. His suitcase is so big.
Who does he think he is.
I don’t know him.
I step on my heart and walk to meet him.
I wish I was dead,
I fake it. I lie. I break my truth streak.
I don’t even know him. I can’t do it.
I don’t want to drive away anywhere with him.
I refuse to go on with my life, and I collapse entirely.
I overwhelm my whole being with the real emotion I feel. I accept defeat.
I cannot trust my own self.
That’s the learnt lesson.
And I really do not have any fucks to give to anyone. They’ll think, ‘Aw, lovers reunited’ so I let myself cry. I let myself really cry.
I cry on his lap and let the anguish rule me. My life as I knew it is over.
I hate who I am.
I can’t believe I Was wrong.
I was right. I knew that it’s broken or not right all along.
I did my best to fall in love with him through the last ten months. It wasn’t working.
And he knew it because I kept telling him.
Once upon a time, there were 10 months worth of a story between twin flames. Signs, and all. Not all of them lived happily after. She’s doing fine.
She’s falling in love with someone now.
She’s fighting herself, because she’s too cautious. But she knows that if it’s meant to be, it is meant to be.
“You can’t depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.” -Mark Twain
Dear LB,
When am I going to sprout wings and fly us to that ashen moon. A ‘sticker in the sky’ you call it. Exactly. I adore that. I wonder what’s going on up there on that thing. Some sort of a Truman Show I think we can be certain. Do you remember when we had to construct that monstrosity in the absence of gravity as we floated like feathers in space trying to get that sucker as round as possible? That sure was a lot of plaster, sand, and play-doh we had to roll into a gargantuan ball, only to have to tow it through such a great expanse of blackness as we lugged that heap of material to it’s current fixed position. Boy, was that a task.…
Forlorn struggle; the disconsolate plight, Crestfallen angel of the techno lie, Circling abject destiny at the helm, In the hangdog adventures of a servile quest in the dark, Among the flagrant escapades of feminine impurity, Reformed to a red-blooded manner of being, Desolate concealed realities of inner and outer space, Unrevealed exotica on the lam, No longer researched in the unrequited cold light of day, Unreciprocated hours upon hours, Enchantment with horns, Unjust dissent on a roll, Merciless lack of sentiment with wings, The glowing appeal of a dark heroine, Goddess in the making, Above this forsaking ecstasy lays a claim made for the universe, And the captivation of dismay, Playing charades with god, The heavy gravity of idealism, A birthright to he who knows himself, This bright white enticement of a blackened magnetism, Courting the inclination to have it all, or nothing at all, Taking the bait of a beloved’s unstable promise, The indeterminate flux, The wavering touch & go notions of a relation presupposed, She invented presumptuous future events in her bent mind, And self-proclaimed the art of prediction. She had a solid conviction like a brick tossed through a window with an obstructed view, She knew she was jumping numbly to a pessimist’s conclusion, Alluding to a base reality – more of a bore than her current standings, She was demanding of the storied ending before diving into the thick of the plot, She was not prudent toward the effects of the future, Nor too sure of anything save the safety of her seduction.…
I am grappling with how or where I should start this. . . perhaps overthinking how not to understate it, or vice versa. Please have a seat and read without any distraction. Be fully present in this moment with me as I attempt to write you a letter proper. If you have a J, light it up before you continue (pause). If you can see the moon from where you are, let it shine in your eyes, take a few deep breaths and redirect your attention here on your screen as I bare my soul to you as purely as possible in English, god willing.…
I don’t know what I am doing. I don’t know what I ought to be doing. I don’t know why life is happening the way it is happening. I don’t know who I am. I don’t know what I want. And above all, I don’t know why.
Feels like a transitional phase. But hasn’t our whole life felt like that.
I don’t have any answers for you. I’m more confused within myself- completely more so than the situation itself is confusing me. And it’s not just our situation, darling. But every other situation in my life right now. Confusion and tiredness and a dumb-luck faith which drives me to look forward to another day.
What can I tell you that I could tell myself.
I don’t know why your life is like this or why my life is like that. I don’t know why. Why didn’t we meet in the middle and go from there on together, like we promised eachother we will. I don’t know why our dream future did not manifest, not even a little. I don’t know how today a year ago is not like today right now tonight. Why all my ‘writings’ didn’t manifest. It might be something else that I’ve written ages ago. Weave of stories. Seemingly randomly joining. But we know that everything happens because it should. Supposed to. Right? It’s happening in all kinds of different ways in other realities. Parallel weaves of stories.
LB:
Something happened when I came.. I couldn’t stop coming.. I could see behind the veil, and it was exactly like I imagined it.. The twin energy.. The O which strips the soul to bare truth.
I had mini waves of higher bigger better o’s in a row, but more importantly, the feeling my heart and chest opening up and releasing.
I felt as big as the universe for a moment….…
There was once a situation where I couldn’t resolve my immediate desire, no matter what. The only thing I had left to do was- to give up. And because, there was no any-other there with me,
I had to give myself up to god. Not to the Gods, Ever since, a safe moment is a prayer I chant to myself, ‘My higher self saved my life.’
I don’t know what the situation was. I also feel that the situation doesn’t matter, in the end. What’s interesting most, is this: for one reason, or the other, my mind etches my spiritual monologues on its walls- at moments of clarity.
And why, does it do that instead of paint the emotion? Because emotions are scarce?–
I am quite sure the situation didn’t happen. But I also accept this fact that I hereby have evidence to prove it did.
At the very least I label it ‘memory’, and post it on my wall. It is beautiful. It will make perfect sense. What’s next..
Presence
With your presence- I labour to define, to grab a ghost, faint in form. I know exactly how you feel like, My shadow.. & where there’s no light, you are inside And your space interflows within mine, shines through me- Embraces my mute form— a form perfect to yours, Two from one mould.
My mind releases traces of movements coming by, The air around me enhanced, explicit, My ancient- insistent vibrations, Of memories, premonitions, wishful thinkings-
Of your presence moving, along side of mine.
Through a worn-out film, I almost see your ghost, Feel you stand there, behind me, In front.. Following me like the air, If I lay down, you lay,..
on top of me, or under my body, Longing for me, where ever I am.
To define a moment, as my body responds, To my invisible thoughts, in the back of my mind,…… I almost see you move, near my skin, almost touching me. I expect more, I pray more..
** *
Piano
I struggle to make the piano awaken and rise. A momentary fluctuation- I feel. I let it in.. I feel it here.. & there, Under my skin. I give it life,
Eroticism awakens, and nudges my sleeping soul, Senses heighten, My body slightly quivers. It feels like a slight touch, I say to me.
…I imagine your hand. I hear something, I look to my side,
And I see you in my mind, on the divine, cosmic screen.. You’re giving me the inspiration. I play the right notes.. And the piano unfolds a grand thought,..
Of your gentle thrusts.. Yes..
The energy you give me- guides my fingers, I try to make sound to the love we are making- Together,..
You guide me.. And I ride you.. Shhh.. It’s so slow …and always, All the way,
In & out— and deep, & Time is obsolete.
I can almost feel you. I can almost see..
As your warm hands, press my skin Holding me up, You are firm with me.. You gently grab my Life..
Raising me up, energising my coiled— thread You hold by my waste, I animate.. As I go up, .. And you,
pull me down, as you tenderly thrust.. Shhh..
The Presence, an aspect of you that I know.. – 10/25/13 11:59 PM / 4
It’s slow and we’re delirious. It’s dark and the stars are watching their own reflections. And they hear the piano rising with the coming rapture of light.. — And one moment, we succumb- Pausing the emotion.
We’re over the threshold,
We yield to sensation. Overcome by one another’s soliloquy, Entranced by our own sonatas.. My fingers leave the piano, As you hear it gasp it’s last note.. And as I hear the echo roll, Away then back unto me. I invite it in, The Energy, my gift to you. The moment of giving is the moment of receiving, As I come down As you thrust up, and we collide You’ll lock the key …. … .. Bringing paradise down to the ground, We slowly come down. And we sit still. Pushing our forms, inside one body.
Hard.. And deep So sweet.. The ecstasy!
..As I now rest my body and lean back on you, Disappearing into you. As both our hands, unchained from life,
Made the piano awaken and arise..
Eroticism (from the Greek ἔρως, eros—”desire”) is a quality that causes sexual feelings,1 as well as a philosophical contemplation concerning the aesthetics of sexual desire, sensuality and romantic love. That quality may be found in any form of artwork, including painting, sculpture, photography, drama, film, music or literature. It may also be found in advertising. The term may also refer to a state of sexual arousal1 or anticipation of such – an insistent sexual impulse, desire, or pattern of thoughts.…
I had another dream. But this time i did not dream what i asked for. It was a surprise really. A gift of sorts. I had a brand new Newly designed dream Involving the only guy in my past Which i have pleasure in seeing in my dreams. And the strangeness of the dream was simply because It was a happy one. I got to live a very long day with someone i think i love, The only one who i think i love In a fantasy world Where our relationship actually works, And we don’t end up burning our bed.
The emotions in the dream were more real Than any emotion i have had while awake, For maybe a decade. What’s more, The dream made complete sense, No crazy dream shit was interrupting the flow, And that made it surreal And familiar.
It went on and on, And i would awake and fall back asleep Only to create a new scene in the same dream. Which is a wish come true,
To be able to continue a dream The total control on a whole different level.
However, the control was not from within, But from with-out..
fucken idiot //you give me hatred “…the greatest thing you’ll ever learn.. is just to love.”
you’ll never be loved in return..
stop using your dreams against yourself!
for how long? ha? for how long bitch?…
I sat down on the bed beside you observing you try tie the laces of you shoes. Silently, nervously, uncertainly you tied and untied your dirty old shoes.
Mine are white and new; my guilty hearted proud shoes. You tie up short ends knowing you can’t change things. Your eyes to the ground and mine following yours. I want to run away barefoot with you.
Notes:
Dramatic moment. I decided to write it down as soon as I got a chance. I realized that this was immense in my life, a theme.
A boy and I were having a #presence filled relationship, enjoying our mutual companionship.
When the time to depart arrived, we put our shoes on and everything changed. A drift away and apart. We lived in time-out, and now we have no choice but to return to reality. Although neither of us said a word, our shoes were having at it. Our relationship threatened.
I have not seen him, nor his shoes again.
Society breaks individuals into a million pieces.…
Nelly and A.D have had a thing going for 2 or 3 days…
she fucked him then threw him out like the other men for the past 3 weeks..
He was asking why.. What’s going on…
She wanted to ditch him but didn’t know how, though didn’t want to hurt him cause she liked him a lot..
So we go. Me and her.. To his house..
M went to work his shift @books.
I kneeled on his bed.. Didn’t want to think about anything.. As if waiting.. But I wasn’t aware that I was in fact waiting.. So I watch him.. And her.. She trying to hold and kiss him.. He looks disgusted.. And I was a little bit glad.. Don’t know why.. And I don’t know why… I felt a little tiny bit Jealous… Yeah the big J word made me think by force… And I was stunned and shocked.. Jealous??
So here we are.. In books.. At the bar.. Nelly trying to fool around.. Everyone ignores her.. Even me. I was busy.. Watching him move.. How he talked to her.. How he looked at her.. How much he is pissed off and angry.. And I watch him.. I never watched anyone and let him notice me.. But I didn’t care.. Let him notice me.. Cause I wanted that.. A little bit.. Though it was inappropriate.. But I do not care…
I found to my amusement, that he notices and wants me to notice something in return.. He is noticing me too.. There were a couple of moments.. When he is on the cash, and me infront of him to the right.. Our eyes meet.. But a strong force drives us not to dare and look away.. Those moments felt like hell.. Fucken hypnotic.. I was very relaxed and comfortably watching his eyes.. Controlling them.. But somewhere deep inside of me was someone was screaming.. Loudly.. Someone or something, trying to tell me something.. He heard that voice.. And I heard his inner voice as well.. And we look away….. He gets himself really busy to avoid this hell between us.. And I stare at the mirror in front of me, at myself.. At my beautiful hair.. My beautiful face.. My beautiful smile.. And I wonder, why am I smiling like that.. I wasn’t aware that I was foolishly, childishly smiling..
RCrystal calls to smoke with me and Nelly.. She wants to go.. I don’t.. I don’t want any weed or RCrystal or anything else.. I only want to know what is this hell I am feeling is all about.. But she drags me.. I do something really strange.. Even very weird for me.. I write my mobile number on a paper and give it to Malik.. No thinking.. Just doing.. Not caring.. Just taking action.. Malik didn’t want to take the paper.. He was pissed and told me to stay away from A.. Cause he thinks i’m going to hurt him.. Malik wants to protect A from me.. I was pissed off.. And told him, give it to him.. I know what I am doing.. Do not worry about him.. Dont.. Not saying goodbye to anyone.. Me and Nelly leave..
I drive very fast.. Escaping from something… Then I suddenly look in the rear view mirror.. And I hit breaks.. I stop.. My heart is beating so fast.. A.D from behind walks to the car… All the way he is looking at the mirror.. And I watch him.. What was going on in my mind … I don’t know.. I blacked out.. Deaf and blind I waited.. He came to Nelly’s door.. And kneeled.. Looking at me.. Not saying anything.. Indifferent calm face and voice.. He says, – where are you going?
Nelly wants to ditch him.. She wants RCrystal and weed.. I don’t know what I want anymore.. She tells me not to dare to take him with us.. For the first time.. I ignore what she wants.. Nelly Nelly Nelly.. Its not all about you .. – no where.. Come with me… It just came out of my mouth… Me.. Not us… Without any word.. Still looking at me… He gets in the car.. And I drive away.. Not until we are in the 7th circle.. That I dare and look in the mirror.. No one has said anything ever since.. Nelly was angry with me and turned the music loud.. I saw what I feared… Him looking at me.. As if he has been looking at the rear view mirror a long time ago.. Waiting for me.. A million seconds passed and we are still looking at each other’s eyes… And he asked me why did I give him my number.. – I don’t know.. Why not?
That was it…
Of course R.Crystal didn’t like the idea of me bringing a guy to smoke with us.. He told me no.. And that he wont give me anything.. I got really angry and left.. But I wished Nelly would stay there.. She didn’t.. Bitch.. Why? I don’t know.. She said that we should go to her house in shmesani..
Shmesani. I parked the car.. Left it running.. And waited for her to get out.. A.D got out too.. I don’t know why I was so sure that he will come with me.. I was very confident that Nelly will stay home alone.. Nelly and A.D, now outside the car.. Nelly says what am I waiting for.. Come on.. I look at her a long time.. Then look at him… I don’t know what was happening , but without a word, he got in the car.. Beside me.. And we never looked at Nelly again… We, drove away… The ride to .. I don’t know, books maybe.. Was nerve wrecking.. I told him not to care about Nelly.. She is a slut.. She fucked you and ditched you and it has been happening with others for the past 3 weeks… He said, – I don’t give a shit about her.. But I pity myself.. How can a girl treat me this way… Who does she think she is…
That’s it.. All the way he was looking at me in disbelief.. In a surprise… He was thinking.. Who is this Leila.. Who is she.. I was thinking the same thing about him.. Never did something like this happen to me before.. Planned out by my heart and becoming true.. Reality.. Second by second..
So I slow down in front of books.. Wanting to go to his home.. Not books… He is looking at me still.. In the same way.. And he says.. Go to my house..
“here we are…” I was thinking to myself… We were sitting on his bed.. Foolishly… Lost.. And confused.. There were no formalities.. No questions about our age.. Our schools.. Our daily lives.. Our how are you’s.. We started talking about serious things in life.. So easily and simply we began… And so easily and magically the connection between our eyes… Effected and moved to the level of words.. We knew what to talk about just by looking at each others eye.. Aaaahhh his eyes.. They seduce me like a virgin.. Slowly for us…but so fast to the world we fell in love… Deeply in seconds.. While talking about life, death, Jim Morrison… It was the best time I ever talked and listened to someone.. Because there was a connection.. There was one.. And slowly it began evolving and taking shape.. Till we saw it… Saw each other kiss.. I was so lost in the moment.. That I don’t even remember what happened.. One minute we were talking, and the other I was kissing the man.. I am madly in love with…
It was just like a dream.. Meant to be.. We both knew for sure that this is meant to be… We just went with the flow.. With no control.. No chains.. We were just being ourselves.. Simple.. Everything was very, very simple.. But with a grand magical glorious effect… And slowly i began to realize what the hell was going on..
->everyone of us has a picture of the perfect man\woman in our head.. Since we are little boys and girls.. We draw the hair we want.. Colors.. eyes.. body.. lips.. skin.. hands.. fingers.. We even try to imagine a voice.. The personality.. What he likes, what words and phrases he uses.. How cool he is.. The music he listens to.. The clothes he wear.. How he sits. .walks.. talks.. Smiles.. laughs.. His teeth.. His principles in life.. His ideas.. His life style.. His goodness.. His evilness.. His strengths and weaknesses.. Anyway… What I want to say.. Is all my life, I have been imagining and dreaming of a man who is exactly like me, but a boy.. A pretty pretty perfect prince.. Who thinks like me.. Who loves like me.. Who wants all the exact things I want in my life..
This I have found in him.. In my A., My angel.. Every word he says, is what I want to tell my loved one.. Every move he makes, is what I want to show him.. He is me… With him, I always feel like I am thinking aloud.. That he hears what goes on in my head..
So the first day was an unbelievable shock, for both of us.. We spent the whole day just staring at each other.. Trying to believe what our eyes see.. What our heart feels…trying to realize that the One we have been searching for all these years.. Going through all the pain for… But then surrendered and failed finding, was suddenly right there, in front of me.. In front of him..
I feel I’m exploding inside. Strangled. The whole of yesterday trying so damn hard not to think about him or about the things we have said or done the past great 6 months. Feels like 6 years.. I have forgotten how it was when he wasn’t in my life.. And there he is out of it.. And i am alone again.. I cant remember what my life was. What should it be now that everything is changing…I spent yesterday watching movies so i wouldn’t have a minute for myself to think of him.. It was hard and impossible.. But i managed to get through it.. but this night.. I couldn’t protect myself of thinking about him.. Dreams betrayed me .. And i had nightmares.. All about him..
In the dream we were out.. And abeh was with us.. It was all ok.. we had little fights between the 3 of us but nothing serious i had to leave and go home.. I went out to get a taxi and looked behind me and they weren’t there. i went back to look for them and found them on a bench and she was in his lap.. Just the way that i used to sit. they were looking at each other, intimate and entranced and i was shocked.. i came close and whispered something to them both. She didn’t respond. she didn’t bother me. I had only feelings for him. I wanted to kill him. i whispered to him ‘why’ ..Haven’t even left yet he looks at me for a while then spits. Says ‘that’s why’. and she was still transfixed on him, waiting for him to be back with her
i woke up half an hour ago. Couldn’t lock my tears away and cried, and i am still crying..
i don’t know what i did.. I don’t know what will happen.. I don’t know what to expect from the future… I am so scared and all i can think of is that i’d rather die if he wants her back. the dream shocked me and i’m still hurt. Damn it… i want him too much.. I miss him too damn much…And i hate my life so much….
context: lies and games:
abab saw ila yesterday.. Came by his office..
Ahmad’s email:
hey sweet one…I hope im not bothering u in this e-mail…I wish everything went just right..And i wish u keep on sending e-mails to me, which i know is not right…Anyway caramel , you do what u see is best…And i will surly understand…Bye… ps…May i keep the pictures? If in any case u will get worried, i will destroy them… If u allow me to keep them, i will always keep them in a safe place, the memory that is left behind from you… But i need to know wether i can keep them… They r yours as much as they r mine, u have the right to choose..…
