#A.A

I feel I’m exploding inside. Strangled. The whole of yesterday trying so damn hard not to think about him or about the things we have said or done the past great 6 months. Feels like 6 years.. I have forgotten how it was when he wasn’t in my life.. And there he is out of it.. And i am alone again.. I cant remember what my life was. What should it be now that everything is changing…I spent yesterday watching movies so i wouldn’t have a minute for myself to think of him.. It was hard and impossible.. But i managed to get through it..
but this night.. I couldn’t protect myself of thinking about him.. Dreams betrayed me .. And i had nightmares.. All about him..

In the dream we were out.. And abeh was with us.. It was all ok..
we had little fights between the 3 of us but nothing serious
i had to leave and go home.. I went out to get a taxi and looked behind me and they weren’t there.
i went back to look for them and found them on a bench and she was in his lap.. Just the way that i used to sit.
they were looking at each other, intimate and entranced and i was shocked..
i came close and whispered something to them both. She didn’t respond.
she didn’t bother me. I had only feelings for him. I wanted to kill him.
i whispered to him ‘why’
..Haven’t even left yet
he looks at me for a while then spits. Says ‘that’s why’.
and she was still transfixed on him, waiting for him to be back with her

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i woke up half an hour ago. Couldn’t lock my tears away and cried, and i am still crying..

i don’t know what i did.. I don’t know what will happen.. I don’t know what to expect from the future… I am so scared and all i can think of is that i’d rather die if he wants her back.
the dream shocked me and i’m still hurt. Damn it…
i want him too much.. I miss him too damn much…And i hate my life so much….

context: lies and games:

abab saw ila yesterday.. Came by his office..

Ahmad’s email:

hey sweet one…I hope im not bothering u in this e-mail…I wish everything went just right..And i wish u keep on sending e-mails to me, which i know is not right…Anyway caramel , you do what u see is best…And i will surly understand…Bye…
ps…May i keep the pictures? If in any case u will get worried, i will destroy them… If u allow me to keep them, i will always keep them in a safe place, the memory that is left behind from you… But i need to know wether i can keep them… They r yours as much as they r mine, u have the right to choose..…