#RJT

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    #Letter to RJT: Apology & Confession

    Dear R…

    This is a very long time coming apology that you deserve to hear from me, 
    And I need to convey it to you and let you know. 

    I am Sorry for so many things. 

    I am sorry for the person I was.
    I am sorry for my behaviour. 
    I’m sorry for the way I treated you.
    And I’m sorry for the way I mistreated your son. 

    I am sorry for all the bad decisions that I took that broke our loving family.
    Sorry for the way things turned out between us. 
    And I am sorry for the time it took me to see the wrong that I did. 

    I’m sorry for treating you the way I did; it is inexcusable.
    For taking you for granted; I was ignorant.
    For not appreciating what we had; I am regretful.
    And I am sorry for pushing you out, it is unforgivable.

    I am sorry for leaving to Jordan.
    I am sorry for my arrogance. 
    Sorry for my ignorance. 
    Sorry for the way I behaved.

    I know sorry won’t fix it, and even if it’s alright with you, it is not for me. I regret it all.
    You do not need to reply in any way.

    LB

    NOT SENT:

    And I am sorry it is too late to say to you what I really want to say.. I have more that I want to tell you. But I understand and I know that it is selfish of me to want to tell you more. You might not want to hear it as you are in another place, in another life with somebody else. And I won’t, unless you want me to keep talking. 

    PS. I have written a second letter even if I won’t be sending it to you after all. But, the possibility that it could also be selfish to withhold my feelings, just in case you are like me.. not where you rather be.  

    Delete, OR read.………..

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    Honey,

    I hate myself so much for being so stupid, for letting you, and all of our life go, and just like that. I am angry at myself that I was so ignorant and arrogant. And I am angry that whatever wisdom I have gained is too little too late. Too much loss suffers me, nothing I did is excusable, nothing I did to you is forgivable.
    I wish I can go back in time and

     save the best thing that ever happened to me, the best thing that ever happened in my life. I am so sorry that I don’t have a time machine to go back and do things differently, cause I will worship you for you who are, appreciate every moment we have, and adore you for all that you do, live gratefully that I found you, and that you are with me, and that you are mine. 

    You are the one and the only one who.. so many things I.. I am churning with regret and the loss, and have been for years.

    You are the reason I came back to Sweden. At night I keep dreaming about you, about us for three years continuously up to last night. Wonderful dreams of how abundant the love we had between us and for each other was. The family we created that I broke is my biggest regret. 

    I miss you too much.. and if you are reading this but you do not feel the same way, then please ignore it. Nothing will change. I’ll assume you didn’t read and you deleted this.…

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    R. Familiarity | Crying cause dreams

    crying because suddenly remembered dream. rupert.
    recurring again.

    Familiarity.

    I thought what we had between you and I, the familiarity and carefreeness, was out there.
    With every one I chose to be with, it furthered away from me, from the world.

    Until I started dreaming of you. And now I realised as I in the kitchen cried, as the kettle boiled, and dabbed the sudden bloody scar on my leg. I remember you, or the dream, or both at the same time. And I started to cry.

    I have no one like you. No one to baby me.

    I think of Mattias.
    “I know you are the one for me..” looking out of the window in his kitchen before we left for the last time.
    Behind him I watched, aware not to share the familiarity.
    Let him have the moment. It is important.

    I was sure I will find him-my soulmate since I dared to dream. Even in the mental state school/ANS put me in.
    Every boy I connected with was it; until it wasn’t.

    Did I do something when I magicked the mirror in the great transformation of ’97?
    It was:
    I am the most and only,
    All guys want me,
    all girls want to be me.

    It worked, and it works still, but the #genie.

    Haven’t been on dates since Mattias in March.
    And when a while ago, preparing a joint a new crying rolled out I was thinking of him standing there and what he is missing.
    The things I would have said and shared. The ideas the could’ve been born. The fun. All kinds.

    It is mostly I who’s missing out. …

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    Dear Rupert | Do Not send

    This never happened before now. Apart from one drunken breakdown last time I saw you.
    I never felt like talking to you before this, and I’m feeling what I am because my dreams are tormenting me. I’ll start with that.

    I only started dreaming about you extremely recently. I don’t know how long because time makes no sense, but maybe only shorts weeks.
    Not so no, I did dream about you but again only recently, this time time is in years, very rarely, a couple of times.
    Then there was that very very rare nightmare, where you were there, julie and the tyrannosaurus rex in the night. That was mainly a bad dream because of what you did.…

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    T-Rex, R uses J bait

    First one to realise dager and escape from an unknown reality town bar full of people when I (hear) that a T-Rex is on the loose. Nighttime, beautiful modern suburb. Choose any house. Beautiful bedroom and big door closet with gym equipment. I know others will soon come to hide and fill the place up so I realise that choosing a pretty place for me is irrelevant. A bedroom with a whole glass wall. …