Bipolar express train, beginning and finishing chapters in moments. Speed of pain progress, mental psychological.
I thought today as you looked at me on your couch, or maybe it didn’t happen like that, how I wish you could get inside my mind and know everything and how gracefully I’m handling lifetimes in duration of words.
I’m happy we didn’t talk. If your body didn’t talk to mine, I would have not come back. I was struggling, to tell your body more, to tell you all, to show love, to show anger. But every time I’d stop.
I’m glad we didn’t talk about what happened. I wanted to, I needed to, I thought we should clarify, After I got home I felt glad we didn’t.
Then driving home from school I realized that somewhere I have allowed myself to fall in love with you. Rollercoaster ride handling notions, emotions. Things between us deconstructed, changed, leveled up. Until I found myself accepting my role as your mother, knowing well that there is no way I could really be that for you If I stop myself from falling in love with you- If I don’t fall in love with you.
This self-trust, Ever-progressing philosophies have been shaping me out of myself into my self. Speed reduced from years to months to days to minutes to moments. Blessings upon me.
Hear of this moment, unanticipated revelation of unprecedented proclamation of “Mama, I want you to fuck me.”
My lower insides are heating up just by writing it. Realizations led me to decide on taking up my imagination once more. The tarot concurred emphatically again and again. So I engaged myself sexually without porn, and gave you a scene of acquaintance and interaction with mama’s, that’s my fantasy.
I learned today from Emerald that fetishes relate to trauma, and so I allowed myself to start exploring the pedophilic incidents with the gardener. I’m aware I am capable of experiencing it objectively, without hating him, which was what I was told to do anyway. What an issue this topic is today though. I mentioned it to mama this afternoon, ‘they’re resetting social norms back to original, natural sexual norms, where there is no childhood.’
I never wrote this way before. I don’t include life snippets unless they are major anchors. …
Sitting here thinking about my ego; so let’s think it through.
Apparently, it is my Ego, of course. Or is it my Archetypes..
One thought at a time; My Ego is vulnerable to the rejection. I feel hurt, confused, insulted, That instead of telling me we’ll be together, you wonder what would happen to me when you’re gone.
And the Archetypes, starting with the great mother, who feels unnecessary, Aphrodite’s broken heart breaks some more. Eve, feels she has failed. Lilith, thinks there’s been sabotage. And Alial, who doesn’t know what to do, what wisdom lies here, and how to manifest my desire, she is lost but under a mercy of peace.
The song theme for this chapter is Enjoy the Silence. Been listening to it for days. Texted it to you, H. Heard a new cover on speakers in mall while tying Julie’s laces. Now looking for other versions, for ones that speak to me.
What wisdom lies here?
My genuinely pure efforts to love you, to earn your love to love me back. All that is left in your head are the last harsh word. harmful, unnecessary words. I wanted to hurt him. I can move on this fast and faster., Get lost in the great mechanism to go on, Lifeline of optimism, blind faith I will be loved by the one I love, for how I am, for how I love, for how he loves me.
I let my ego behave for me, as a protest, for the love of me, for the honor of gods and truth.
I’m not enjoying his silence. It speaks to me of how he does not need me. Won’t fight for me. I am always grateful that none of these Xs fought for me. I think of it often, how god forbid I would’ve been married to any of them.
Deconstructing relationshipspast:
From projecting my fantasies unto the poor bastard’s soul, and my ego reacting hysterically and far into suicidal extremities,,
To completely unattaching myself in any way shape or form. What remains is the same. Rejection is sword through heart.
I love him, and I want to fall in love with him. I choose to wait, Listen to the silence. …
“What will happen to you when I leave?” “What will you do when I leave?” “What’s gonna happen to you when I go?”
I don’t even know what you said. It’s not the first time you do. Whatever it was you said the first time. This time; not a word from my lips. Why bother, right? Here we are again, me. Here we are here again. Slapped in the face. Hit below the belt. You shot me with a gun. I thought about shooting you in Atlantis. I understood something that I have now forgotten.
Minutes and you don’t look my way. I decide I don’t want you to see the tears, because why bother.
How do you start this chapter? How do you write this story?
Synergy
When in her arms a mighty angel hid And showed her how hurt burns How he needed all of this More than this Both wanting the same Both uncertain please no more heartbreak.
children. “I like you.” I don’t know if you like me. adults. She can’t say I love you and kiss him. How can I surrender if you go. fool. Breaking my heart. Can you handle me. “I’ll handle more. I need more.” “I know.” “baba”
Life is very intimately personal. There is no Now. That fleeting moment passed, unexistant. What is was and will remain is Affect. Sensation transforms into thought, and thought is immortal.
Now is a teaser for a future tomorrow, Worry of what could be, Or cease to be. Torus can’t sleep, driven by future financial security. Virgo can’t awake, driven by future familial safety. No futureless now. My now is focused on the future. Will I be happy like this?
Then when in Peace, the now really exists. The way the air moves around him, Body borrowed from a sun god, Confidence traversed from another time Charisma transmuting my inner being Essence from another dream
How do you start this chapter? How do you write this story. By being authentic of course.…
The O was transformed, then transported astrally away from me. It was taken away from me, I accepted, and let it go. I knew the O was leaving to do something important. I let my intention out real loud, Hasan.
It was tantric, interdimensional, a different pallette.
I was visited by a realm of PURITY. INCONNECE. CHILDishness. Trust. Love. UnSexual.
CLEAR. Robust. Mechanical. A code.
It was happening to me. Not in me. External. I let it in. I gave it my orgasm, Knowing it meant the sensual sexual aspect won’t happen. I gave it away like a favour, like a gift, like the right thing to do, I let it take my orgasm, as I sat cross-legged, feeling like a child in school, attentively focused on the mentor’s advice, big wide trusting eyes, Inquisitiveness unnecessary for this moment, I gave it,
In three distinct waves it took it out from me from the lower left side it left, I could see it in my mind, energy.
And I rode it hard with my Intention. Like a rode him tonight. Blindfolded viking, wrists tied behind his back, I gave it to him. He called out to me
mama
I hear you
“a Virgo woman will be able to experience her sensual, earthy nature with Torus in a way that she could not with another man.”
Dizzy [Quantum Jumps] Earlier, daytime:
Instead of riding the dizzy spell and willing jumping into another dimension, for a reason today I firmly said no. It felt different. I was not accepting.
I literally spoke out loud ‘shoo’ , shooing it away left side with my hands. Three times.
I completely released myself free from it grasp. It went upwards and to the left.
Doing that felt great. The sick feeling, dizziness and nausea stopped in its path. …
Balance. Myself. Her Reinhibiting my soul, pacifying my mind, animating my body. Around him, I feel. I feel I want to be close. Even nearer than that. Into the primal abyss again, and beyond.
I live for our malleable Energy.
I feel mine.
dc
I’m not disconnected. I am more whole everyday. I don’t have any thoughts, or questions. I have feels.
This is a phase to make a last code[pendence. How two become whole.
Bedded champion refused to turn away bravely held back onto his gaze Levels of anxiety at a fading minimum There’s that element remaining of ghost eyes, void brain.
An event (cause and effect) is internal as much as it can be external.
I created an event, thus I feel it’s signature energy animate me. If I hadn’t, I would be feeling and doing something else.
What is drama and how do you cause it?
How this will make me feel in any of the scenarios, #Karma. I’m putting myself to this situation purposefully. Considering the ramifications of any scenario on my #subs.
If creating a fantasy, manipulating events is sin or right. To consciously experiment actively play around with paradigms of world, relationships.
He doesn’t recognize me. Should I cyber relation and reveal later as the epic happy ending twist.
I could end it right here.
I’m the master of my own puppets.
nevermind.
I haven’t read the last bit. I doesn’t go well. Should I read it?
ok not bad,
Defense mechanism.
Time to grow out of it. U only hurt yourself the most in the end.
I was growing to trust you.
Too little, too soon. Everything takes time.
Defence mechanism triggered for trust related issue.
