#Ivan.B

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    #Song: So Unfair

    12.5.2018

    In this world I hear a whisper..Damn you fool, it should mean nothing.I was fast asleep and numb and fine in my world, and then:You.

    You think you’re a god, you think you’re a thing,You think you’re everything I dream of!
    You think I’m me, you think I’m you,
    You think that all I need in my soul is you, and it’s true.

    Life is so full of signs that lie, and so completely synchronised.
    The presence comes and the presence goes,
    And it’s almost full, it’s almost right, it’s almost mine!

    And, if it is over then it is over!
If it’s not then it is not.
No matter how high my walls rise I drop, drop, drop
Into a life that unfolds into events that I don’t want to participate in,
    Just fuck off..

    Am I hacked?
    Am I hacked… am I hacked!
    How do I connect to my own self?
    How do I connect to my own self?
    How do I connect to my own self?
    How do I connect to my own self?
    How do I connect to my own self?
    How do I connect to my own self?
    Am I hacked?How do I connect to my own self?Am I hacked?How do you connect to my higher self?
    Am I hacked?How do I connect to my own self?Am I hacked?How do you connect to myself..

    And I hate you, because you are asleep. and I am awake and it feels so unfair. so alone. so alone. so alone with my fucken self …

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    #Log: Dear Presence

    Never ever write anything to anyone. Write it for you. Spell out yourself. The truth, not the explanation.

     

    I am disappointed, and I am frustrated. I am not brokenhearted. I am saved by my own inability to feel reality.

    The same cycle, the same method, the same lesson, but this time I was incapable of falling in love, no matter how hard I forced myself. Cause I would forget. I’m in oblivion. I am not in any reality.

    I can’t concentrate on anything said or done. I can’t relate it later. I am unavailable.

    I am frustrated. For the first time I got to talk to you #presence, disconnected from reality and the person you are channelling through. I told you how angry and alone I feel and that I deserve a clearer instruction by now. I told you what I though was going on, what this life as a matrix is to me, and how I only want to exit the game. No answer. Just a pre-recorded message that comes through from time to time through different souls.

     

    I wrote a song. I felt it. As much as I could, I did. Did you hear me.…

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    #Letter: to Ivan – Closure

    This is my closure with you.
    I will say what I will say for the respect of the divine and good things we shared.
    But you are not who I thought you are. I know what I want and what I don’t. I want someone who is on my level or higher. Someone who respects me, someone who appreciates me through and through. Someone who sees the truth in me even if I am down and depressed. Someone who treats me the same way I treat him. Someone I can depend on and trust blindly. Someone who is not you.

    Saying thank you to me when I am there for you in your time of need is not enough. Either you took me forgranted, or you are one of the sick people I keep crashing into.
    You have showed me where I stand, and it is exactly: no where. I am invisible to you.

    Saying you appreciate me for being there for you is one thing. But seeing how you treat me is another.
    I didn’t appreciate it at all when you were telling your friend at Murphy’s about how great I am for being there for you and helping you. Because you never looked at me, not once. You didn’t even mention my name. I was sitting with you on that table, and I saw you talking about me as if I wasn’t there.
    Yet, when she paid for your drinks, she was everything that you saw. You even cried a little. She didn’t deserve your intimate hug or your love for paying a bill. You saw her, but you didn’t see me. I am invisible to you.

    It was the first and only time I went out with you and your friends. It was very unnatural to witness you being so cold and careless. You just spent weeks with me and you didn’t see any of them. Now I was there, with your friends, and I was expecting you to be near me, close to me, showing me off to your friends. That I am this person who stole you from them. But it was nothing like that. I felt like someone you were using to waste time with. You aren’t happy to be with me. You aren’t proud to be with me. You don’t need me like I thought you did.

    I don’t even know if you ever heard me when I say anything to you.
    You didn’t react the way you should have in Cube. I told you all about the dream I had the minute I woke up from it. About being in the wrong place with the wrong people and how it made me feel in the dream. How I escaped and jumped from reality to another. About how disconnected you were from me in the dream. Did you hear any of it. Did you see how the dream manifested into reality? That I was reliving it all over again? You didn’t feel me. I was invisible to you. Even when I managed to escape and ‘jump reality’ and leave the hell that is Cube.. you didn’t even follow. Just like you didn’t follow in the dream. That’s a sign for me. And I accept it. I accept that you are not mine and that you will never see me eye to eye.

    The only reason I haven’t deleted you yet is for the respect of the magical few moments we shared. When I thought I saw you. When I thought we clicked. I thought… and I was not right. I still don’t get it, and I don’t want to get it. All those signs and syncronicities meant something, but they are ruined.

    Atleast I was awakened enough to write a song, after so many years of nothing. Thank you for breaking my fragile dreams.

    I wonder why you kept putting me down regarding anything to do with me. Could you be intimidated by me. That’s your problem.
    I don’t think you will change. You are stuck somewhere in your past. All I wanted is to go somewhere better, together. Good bye Ivan.…

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    #Song: So Unfair

     

    In this world I hear a whisper..

    damn you, fool, it should mean nothing.

    I was fast asleep and numb and fine and safe in the dark,

    and then you.

     

    And you. you think you are a god.

    you think you are a thing. you think you are everything I dream of.

    you think I’m me. you think I’m you.

    you think i need you in my soul but it’s true.

     

    And I hate you, because you are asleep.

    and I have woken up.

    and it feels so unfair.

    so alone. so alone.

    so alone

    so alone

    so alone

    so alone with my fucken self

     

    so unfair…

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    How dare you?!!

    you think this is a message for you? you think my life is for your reading? to take whatever you understand? you think you care? do you even see me? do you even understand ME? i can’t take this! fuck this! no nothing is happening and nothing is going on! and it is all fucken DRAMA.

    this is my life! this is my heart! this is my soul, my mind my life. I don’t want to feel this way, i was fine by myself. I never wanted to dream of you every damn time i fall asleep. I dont want to know how disconnected you are from me. I dont want any of this. its too late now. too late. too late too late too late too late cause i feel i feel i am feeling i am feeling and what i feel is how far i am from what i want. i want this and this is SHIT

    how dare you…

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    #Log: Almost Never

    The last few weeks have been full of signs and completely synchronised. The Presence in a messenger came, a mini awakening painfully happened. It was almost full, almost intimate, almost perfect. If it is over now, it is over. If it is not, it is not.

    I wish it was not. I wish it never happened. No matter how high the walls were, my heart is aching now.…

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    Lament II

    When all that was imagined,

    comes alive and meets you face to face..

     

    When you write a character and birth him to a life,

    and now he’s alive and right there..

     

    When you wonder how a dream can turn reality,

    why do think you have fallen inside the book instead?

     

    Why so tired to even live?

    Why.

    I’m deeply asleep within my self.

    And I wonder, is the sleeping sun to blame.

     

     …

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    #Log: Layers of Blockage in the Way of Awakening

    Sent to snap me out of it, I instead sink deeper within the layers of familiar disconnection. I can’t connect parts of myself to me. I can’t even observe and take notes for later. And he is so patient. And I feel so dumb and out of touch with reality. I am beyond the feelings of disappointment. Beyond feeling panic and guilt of time well wasted by me.

    I am taking a step back and I want to find where the energy is being blocked.

     

    He says nothing new. Nothing new at all. I’ve been through more, back and forth. Awakening and falling back to oblivion. But it’s too much this time. It’s too much that in all these very special circumstances I find myself not having an ounce of energy to accept anything.

     

    I tried playing different roles. I tried none at all.…

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    Lament I

    Waves of Endtimes, lagging.

    Behind a mute plan, rhyming.

    Gods from up high, sending their signs.

     

    Days that run by, daring,

    to satisfy with Meaning,

    But I testify, nothing matters.

     

    You are right here, darling,

    I don’t feel your soul, nor mine.

    You are like a trance,

    Just where I am.

     

    Shades fall over my mind,

    Disoriented within time, syncs and signs.…

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    Ivan Singing

    Master of the Wind
    In the silence of the darkness when all are fast asleep
    I live inside your dreams calling to your spirit
    As the sail calls the wind, here the angels sing.
    Far behind the sun, across the western sky
    Reach to the blackness, find a silver line
    In a voice I whisper a candle in the night
    Will carry all our dreams on a single beam of light.
    Close your eyes, look into the dreams
    Winds of changes will winds of fortune bring.
    Fly away to a rainbow in the sky
    Gold is at the end for each of us to find.
    There the road begins where another one will end,
    Here the four winds know who will brake and who will bend
    All to be the Master of the wind.
    Falling stars now light my way,
    my life has written on the wind
    Clouds above, clouds below,
    high ascend between the spirit
    When the wind fills the sky
    and clouds will move aside,
    There will be a road to all our dreams
    and for every day that stings
    To better days it brings,
    nothing is as bad as it seems.

    …

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    #Log: السكون

    (A moment of silence and emotion @carpark)

     

    The anxiety is gone. I am me. You are melting me into myself.

    I can feel my skin of stone melting. The ice in my heart is melting. I look around and I see time itself melting. There is nothing but now. So calm. So light. Everything is just right. I’m surrendering to reality.

     

    I am.

    And you’re here.…

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    #Others: Ivan B. “Hard to Prove”

    Babe it’s hard for me to tell the truth
    how it felt inside u never knew

    Walls are always built between you and I

    and I am trying to break through

    Hand in hand we can break down the mountains

    I will be there for you till the end of time

    We are one don’t pretend are you blinded?

    give me a chance before it’s gone

    I am not the best and I really care

    trying to prove to you I am a man I am real

    Believe me girl I never meant to hurt your pride

    listen close and you will see the proof

    Hand in hand we can break down the mountains

    I will be there for you till the end of time

    We are one don’t pretend are you blinded?

    give me a chance before its gone

    Are you really there do you really care

    my screams are reaching everywhere

    But it makes me sad cause u never heard it my way

    I wrote this song with heart and soul

    about you and me in this cruel world

    Dirty masks turned our life so cold

    So cold

    It’s cold 

    …
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    #Log: Don’t Dare to Believe

    This is not the usual psychological vomit. I will not try to persuade myself into snapping out of it and just be in the Now. It doesn’t work.

    This time, I differently approach this particular #soulmate#Salvation situation:

    Compare and contrast the data:

    • The 2 dreams about #Evil Savior sharing the same motif. In reverse is it I.B?

    The dreams came one before, and one after we met. It’s been in total 4 days, I guess. Both dreams are one message. Think of the badman character and your own character in both dreams. Then do the same and think about I.’s character and mine/laila. Aren’t they opposites?

    • Think about the things he was saying to you: that it is as if he is ‘hearing no one talking’, I am the ‘same voice talking in his head’. Think about when he said that; in response to what was going on. And think about what you said, when suddenly the walls came tumbling down between us.

    I saw him, because he was looking right at me. Think about #Presence. Remember your reaction of utter disbelief in what’s happening. Think how light you felt, how pure it was, and how very simple everything was.. When two souls say hi.

    • Consider every sign and synchronicity
    • And most importantly, find out why you have to write this.
    • The problem is.. the reason why you blocked yourself is that if you don’t reverse the dreams meaning, then I.B is the #Evil Saviour.

    Your disbelief that he has connected with you on this level is terrifying you because you can’t believe it is actually happening. You are so disconnected from anything that is not you. He came to you and he said hi. He recognized you. It’s a new level and you are lagging behind. You are so afraid of what is at the end of the level. You don’t want to die of a broken heart and restart the level. You convinced yourself that your other half is not alive, not for this life. You decided that, and you set the rest of your life to play this script. You are the writer and you are the creator of your reality. But, listen. See. Let something big go. Because the next scene has been hijacked away from me. I am not running the script, the new script. An intervention. An interruption, of your transmission. It is coming from outside. L.B and I.B. are in the moment when it could mean soulmate, and it could not. One question and one answer.

    • My instinct knows it is a yes,

    that this is actually happening. And that I will snap out of myself. He is him. Notice how slowly you are recognizing him. He just recognized you first.

    Lets go to the Citadel.

    PS: The dreams end differently!

    PSS: There is a time shift because I remember these dreams to be extremely recent. In a row. They are in fact a month apart, and might have both been before I.B.…

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    #Log: #Normalizing

    I cannot believe it that I feel it, myself normalizing, my life normalizing. Waking up to an authentic reality, for me and for myself.

    Blocks fall into place and it is the place I would rather be. And today is only the beginning.

    It’s so nice.

     

    #Gratitude

     

     

    PS: acute up down up down connect disconnect happy nothing happy meh…

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    LB & IB

    I read a days old notification on Bedoo saying I. has Liked me. I make sure it is the same guy I know, and I Like him back. It’s a Crush. I make sure he was not once attached to DK and I send a FB request. It was accepted, quickly. The next evening, I send a message, hello.

     

     

    Simple.

     

    #But

    #desensitized #trance

    #wakeup #Find_Presence

     

     

     …