For it to take this long to realise i havent written about it, or thought about it either. For example. Just now, I thought about what i just told him, as soon as i answered his call, ‘we are sooo in sync. Last five calls or so, you call immediately when i want you to. That. … There. 5 time? really?
In any other occurance in an older situation/relationship, i would focus mostly on the syncs and signs. Not in this case, not with Monsieur Matisse. My brain is not picking up on any of the sync or the signs. Radio has given up transmission, or is it reception. Self defence and preservation, I say? Not believing in what i believe in will protect me, from harm and heartbreak.
I didn’t think this day could come.
What about the MisUnderstandings??? 1- Jumping timelines, 2- Interference/تشويش jamming, 3- I’m crazy, I ‘hear what I want to hear’.
But, he also hears what he- hears: Yesterday’s realisation, that he thought, and still after all this time, and all those conversations about it, that i had gone with another guy and had sex that first night we went out — a month ago. My timeline to him seems to be very confusing. …..
Also, WHERE’s Presence??? Well… We do not seem to need him. So far, it looks like Monsieur the mysterious has it well in control, to be my soulmate. My fucken soulmate. do you mean it do you understand it do you want it yes fuck. And…. to crescendo, Monsieur seems well in control to be my Master. Not only that, but also the light. I still don’t know though. I keep dismissing it. No, I don’t want to delve into my own world, my own mind, heart or soul. I want him to take control. I’ll awaken, i’ll rise, and everything will be alright.
So, I don’t know why or how but it’s been a fucken crescendo since day one. I am dazed a little. Confused why I’m still disconnected from my own data, from my recent, even live experiences, from myself. And things have been going fastly slow.. and smooth with Monsieur Matisse. I just have one wish, I wish it will last. Yes I do, I wish this lasts forever. more.
Even if it may seem we are here mentally all out of the blue, you know there are papers and notes from research all around my table.
A timeless moment from behind the veil,
I am aware of a simple encompassment,
the awake in a dream,
space-time unclear, and now is real,
at that moment when I'm aware of the dream.
Voice: Talk about the voices you sometimes hear as you fall asleep.
Me: Auditory hallucinations. I’m aware and what interests me is the nature of reality and the clear clarity of the voices. It is usually in conversation form and very coherent, but I can’t make up what is being said, and find myself trying very hard to focus on the topic but fail to even focus on one word. My brain doesn’t compute what is being said although it recognises the language. *It also takes a while for my brain to pick up that this phenomenon is in progress. After a while of hearing the ‘hallucinations’ that I’m suddenly aware that this is occurring. It is as if in that state between wakeful consciousness and unconsciousness, the brain is in a mode where it doesn’t work on instincts like analysing environment it is in, or is capable of rationality. *…
LB: I love you my twinflame. I hope all our dreams come true. I hope that when we see eachother, the world would cease to exist. I hope we’ll love forever and be always together. And I hope this message won’t wake you. Sleep tight my sweet prince. Laila loves you.…
I wish I could lucid dream. … I wish I could awaken from life. … Am I dreaming? Is this a dream? This is a dream. It must be a dream, It has to be. I want to believe this so much. Narrate in the first person, I want to lucid dream.…
I promise myself that I would try to close myself off emotionally to the world and trust no one. I don’t want to get carried away by my feelings again;
I need to stop being victimized by my own weakness and insecurities about other people, especially men.
