Storytime

ما في أي شي أهم من الحقيقة

I was watching porn, and I was appreciating the couple’s love for eachother; the natural attraction of their freedom. 

I was focusing on their faces and their body language; more than focusing, or enjoying their act of sex and foreplay. And I, unfortunately, realized that I am facing an unexpected demon, and I’ll need to confront it now. I didn’t watch more than 5 minutes.

Habibi I am not ready to experience what I saw in the film, with you. And it surprised me.. I had no idea how much has been actually locked inside me.

And I am telling you this because I want you to know it; but not for you to tell me, in reply:

خدي وقتك
بحترمك
أو إنَك ما رح- بحياتنا- تغْصبني على أي إشي اصلاً.
انا عم بحكيلك: بس عشان بدي تعرف، انّي طِلعت خايفا هلأ. لإنه انا شبه متأكده اني ما رح أقدر أكون حالي. ما رح اكون مبسوطة و لا مرتاحة، و ممكن كمان تعقدني حالة الرهبة: انو انت عم بتعاملني بالزبط، و أكتر، من الزوجين اللي بالفلم.

هدول التنين روسيين، متزوجين، بموتو برب بعض. انا كتير بحبهم و فاهمتهم لأنّي انا هيك زيهم.
بحب احضرهم لإنو كيفيّتهم بعرض حبهم لبعضهم بشوفوه آرتْ. أسمى نوع فنّ.

أوضّحْلك اكتر..

I wanted to talk to you about my anxiety today, and yesterday; but it was difficult.
Basically, I feel embarrassed -just for being inside my own skin. I feel like a small, confused and scared little girl who is caught in the act. Act of being alive, I guess.

I feel self-conscious. As if I’m constantly trying to prove I am acting “normal”. I am anxious of how I may look to the “other”. How I look like when you are staring in my eyes, how I look like when someone passes in the car down the street. Usually when there are people around me, or crowds, I constantly feel I’m being watched, to make sure that I am appearing normal, not FAKE.
Do I look real? Do I look terrified- because you are saying a joke and I’m not getting it? Do I look guilty, when anyone asks me “How are you? What have you been up to?”
Do I act like something is wrong within me??

This is my anxiety. It has grown within me and spread its webs. I fight to survive by defeating it, and years of battle and alliance have served me well so far.

I feel separated from my body. I am actually in two places at once, but I’m not in the place I am actually supposed to be. I am contained and trapped inside this body, and I can’t express myself and I don’t fully orgasm. I am also outside my body, looking at myself like a watcher; watching me like a guardian.
In fact I feel the watcher when I am alone too but in a positive way. And I express myself ok when I’m alone. I don’t feel so trapped within myself.

There are of course phases of no anxiety and I feel whole and complete and full of myself and full of energy. One example was with the boys I fell in love with.
I know who I am, who I really am, deeep inside. I know myself and I am begging you to set me free.
I am awesome and very proud, to be who I really am inside. I know I will be again and for always. I am Aphrodite. I am Lilith. I am Ishtar. I am a goddess for LOVE, carnal pleasure, for marriage and family and the mother of all the children, perfection and innocence. I am a channel for creativity. I am art and I move with music. I am instinct. I am Sophia. I am Eve re-awakened.

I know exactly what is going to happen between us, honey. I know the sex and the توهان والضيعان that we’re going to live through. And it is exactly and simply, my wishes coming true, one after another in big dozes at once.
I have already lived this life in my mind for years. I know how it all feels and what it all means. I have written it down, I have dreamed it at night. I created you and what will be happening to us both. And all of this is pushing me back unto unexpected walls. Thank you for being you.

Since I have met you, four days ago, you have managed to unlock a bunch of doors, some I didn’t even know where there. And I know what’s there behind these doors, and I will go inside each of them. I don’t have a fear about it. I do feel blessed and I am thankful that it is happening, so easily and smooth. After all, I only want the wisdom -to know myself deeper.

Perhaps it is the respect with which you adorn me, perhaps it is fate.

I love you.
LB

https://www.pornhub.com/view_video.php?viewkey=312180493…