Bipolar PathChanger

So much to say.

Bipolar express train,
beginning and finishing chapters in moments.
Speed of pain progress,
mental psychological.

I thought today as you looked at me on your couch, or maybe it didn’t happen like that, how I wish you could get inside my mind and know everything and how gracefully I’m handling lifetimes in duration of words.

I’m happy we didn’t talk.
If your body didn’t talk to mine, I would have not come back.
I was struggling,
to tell your body more, to tell you all,
to show love,
to show anger.
But every time I’d stop.

I’m glad we didn’t talk about what happened.
I wanted to, I needed to, I thought we should clarify,
After I got home I felt glad we didn’t.

Then driving home from school I realized that somewhere
I have allowed myself to fall in love with you.
Rollercoaster ride handling notions, emotions.
Things between us deconstructed, changed, leveled up.
Until I found myself accepting my role as your mother,
knowing well that there is no way I could really be that for you
If I stop myself from falling in love with you-
If I don’t fall in love with you.

This self-trust,
Ever-progressing philosophies
have been shaping me out of myself into my self.
Speed reduced from years to months to days to minutes to moments.
Blessings upon me.

Hear of this moment,
unanticipated revelation of
unprecedented proclamation of
“Mama, I want you to fuck me.”

My lower insides are heating up just by writing it.
Realizations led me to decide on taking up my imagination once more.
The tarot concurred emphatically again and again.
So I engaged myself sexually without porn,
and gave you a scene of acquaintance and interaction with mama’s,
that’s my fantasy.

I learned today from Emerald that fetishes relate to trauma,
and so I allowed myself to start exploring the pedophilic incidents with the gardener.
I’m aware I am capable of experiencing it objectively, without hating him,
which was what I was told to do anyway.
What an issue this topic is today though.
I mentioned it to mama this afternoon,
‘they’re resetting social norms back to original, natural sexual norms,
where there is no childhood.’

I never wrote this way before.
I don’t include life snippets unless they are major anchors.