#M.U

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    Sleeping Man Behind me

    mid coitus he takes a break and says i am not feeling you. I wish it wasn’t like this..
    Reiterates for 2 years that he won’t love me, but that it’s bothering him – a bit if not at all, I add.

    I manage to relate to his truth, and remembered saying the same to three, if not more.
    I was distressed by it, back then, the panic of not feeling what I am thinking,
    Now it’s become the norm, ..amnesia.
    I was wondering, how I’m busy, giving exactly 5% to make him like me, when I thought about it, and started wondering if I would fall in love with him, myself.

    The years and the bad relations I experienced, rendered it un-urgent, far and then forgotten. I assumed with the insomniac, M.U, who is sleeping behind me, that I can and will fall in love with him once he lets me.

    I don’t know why i would feel it is true to say that, respond with that statement, when I am not informed about my own field of information. this amnesia, problem.…

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    Mattias: Attempt III

    Swedes, alcohol, and Inability to love

    The point Mattias, is
    when you find a person
    who can match your frequencies,
    who thinks and makes things like you,
    who wants to hear you talk,
    and whom you wanna fuck;
    someone who you imagine in real-time,
    doing many different things with:
    could make this life interesting,
    and bring self-exploration.
    Could be happy together.

    If you don’t think you are capable of living up to the last time you were in love, then we share this.xx

    …

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    R. Familiarity | Crying cause dreams

    crying because suddenly remembered dream. rupert.
    recurring again.

    Familiarity.

    I thought what we had between you and I, the familiarity and carefreeness, was out there.
    With every one I chose to be with, it furthered away from me, from the world.

    Until I started dreaming of you. And now I realised as I in the kitchen cried, as the kettle boiled, and dabbed the sudden bloody scar on my leg. I remember you, or the dream, or both at the same time. And I started to cry.

    I have no one like you. No one to baby me.

    I think of Mattias.
    “I know you are the one for me..” looking out of the window in his kitchen before we left for the last time.
    Behind him I watched, aware not to share the familiarity.
    Let him have the moment. It is important.

    I was sure I will find him-my soulmate since I dared to dream. Even in the mental state school/ANS put me in.
    Every boy I connected with was it; until it wasn’t.

    Did I do something when I magicked the mirror in the great transformation of ’97?
    It was:
    I am the most and only,
    All guys want me,
    all girls want to be me.

    It worked, and it works still, but the #genie.

    Haven’t been on dates since Mattias in March.
    And when a while ago, preparing a joint a new crying rolled out I was thinking of him standing there and what he is missing.
    The things I would have said and shared. The ideas the could’ve been born. The fun. All kinds.

    It is mostly I who’s missing out. …