For it to take this long to realise i havent written about it, or thought about it either. For example. Just now, I thought about what i just told him, as soon as i answered his call, ‘we are sooo in sync. Last five calls or so, you call immediately when i want you to. That. … There. 5 time? really?
In any other occurance in an older situation/relationship, i would focus mostly on the syncs and signs. Not in this case, not with Monsieur Matisse. My brain is not picking up on any of the sync or the signs. Radio has given up transmission, or is it reception. Self defence and preservation, I say? Not believing in what i believe in will protect me, from harm and heartbreak.
I didn’t think this day could come.
What about the MisUnderstandings??? 1- Jumping timelines, 2- Interference/تشويش jamming, 3- I’m crazy, I ‘hear what I want to hear’.
But, he also hears what he- hears: Yesterday’s realisation, that he thought, and still after all this time, and all those conversations about it, that i had gone with another guy and had sex that first night we went out — a month ago. My timeline to him seems to be very confusing. …..
Also, WHERE’s Presence??? Well… We do not seem to need him. So far, it looks like Monsieur the mysterious has it well in control, to be my soulmate. My fucken soulmate. do you mean it do you understand it do you want it yes fuck. And…. to crescendo, Monsieur seems well in control to be my Master. Not only that, but also the light. I still don’t know though. I keep dismissing it. No, I don’t want to delve into my own world, my own mind, heart or soul. I want him to take control. I’ll awaken, i’ll rise, and everything will be alright.
So, I don’t know why or how but it’s been a fucken crescendo since day one. I am dazed a little. Confused why I’m still disconnected from my own data, from my recent, even live experiences, from myself. And things have been going fastly slow.. and smooth with Monsieur Matisse. I just have one wish, I wish it will last. Yes I do, I wish this lasts forever. more.
We met a year and a half from our meeting. As the twenty-minute conversation between us ended and you left me to smoke watching you go, the narrator narrated: “and there goes her soulmate, whom she’ll never see again”. I brushed it of to continue the beginning of the ending.
The pattern, the cycle remains again as I long to fall for what I’m seeing and allow my poor heart the feeling.
My eyes searching, there it is there, looking back at me seemingly understanding this. But again, is it what it seems to be. Why fail now.
Am I seeing too much have I let myself expose my naked soul. It’s his fault for asking the right questions I want to answer him. Why the touch that affirms the look, the word that satisfies my mind. Why the question remains, why isn’t he into this.
Why fail. Lacrimosa my space. Is he my place to enter, Yet again another reflector Gallant and chivalrous knight Painting paragraphs into the scenes If only you were real.
I don’t want to wait for another lifetime. This story has no ending My hell is my fantasy Wanna be your fantasy Soul collector soul connector Set him free let him set me free
I wrote a song. I felt it. As much as I could, I did. Did you hear me. In my dream I can feel you’re so real I wish you could’ve stayed But you bring me back down to earth Someone up there forgot all about me. Asked me to dance. Abandoned my hand. I know I should wait for You to rise the sun, But the night eats me alive. Won’t survive till sunrise.
Could this be happening? because it is. Right now a One is two who’ve just met. Thank you for tonight, sweet dreams madam.
Could this be happening? Because it is. Safe in it’s ongoing stability. Like the dream of him, he cherishes. Sigh.
But could this be happening? How could two misunderstand that both feel the same.
Into what shape will it form.. at least it’s an enlightenment in two. Reality matrix and Mattis Blom and I. Shall we do it? I will.
#Log:
How could two people misunderstand that each of them feels the same way about the other? Last night, second night that it was, we spent it outdoors again, picnic style. But, nearing the end for a moment, there was a misunderstanding loop going between us. It happened when I asked him about his first text to me, when he said it is not a date, when now obviously, it became. In his attempts to answer, with his not 100% English, and the smoking we did, I misunderstand him and what he’s trying to say. I think that actually he was reitterating this is not a date.
So, then, I’m spending this morning and the afternoon feeling really bad, sad and down, hurt crying that I am not wanted by the one I want. However, apparently, him too. Apparently, we both had a terrible hard day, mourning a love unrequited. Both confused whether the other likes them.
Turned out, he likes me a lot. Not only that, but also, he thought that I — I did not want him.. nor was I interested in having a relationship with him more than friends.
He appears to have been chasing me all this time from the beginning. I appear to have been giving out the vibe that made him realise that it’s me he wants. He explains himself, that the prospect of falling in love with me overwhelmed him and his expectations. That our meetings have indeed been turning into flirty dates all on their own. He chooses to be with me, and proceeds to open his heart and his life to me.
I didn’t expect this. I really did not fantasise this outcome. It happened when at 5 pm he sends a text, with some excuse to see him.. now. 5 minutes later, downstairs, in front of my house, he says no, that he didn’t come just for the couple of cigarettes to take from me; it was an excuse to see me, cause he had to see me. He knew that I have misunderstood him last night, and he’s had a hard time since. And so you see, both of our bad day ended when he decided to see me, spontaneously like that. It was five pm. I rose from my bed where I crashed moments before in a surrendered protest of unrequited love.
We had a wonderful third night together, spent it hanging out with his friend in a garden about music and the world. Seeing him with his friend, and him seeing me engaging progressed our new relationship in a good way.
We talk about projects or things we want to make together, and plan next weekend, maybe a party or relaxing in the summer house to star gaze. It could be good things every day. Could happen, really could if only if.. And I could trust him, and I could see where it is going.
I had those dreams about him the other night where we are one, and our relationship is one of cherishing. In reality he’s seeming to be that. He seems to be the same in reality. It seems I cloud trust to try.
