In all the years I’ve been shuffling the cards absentmindedly, i never thought seriouly about how come i always get the major arcana when i am dealing for me and or my questions.…
For it to take this long to realise i havent written about it, or thought about it either. For example. Just now, I thought about what i just told him, as soon as i answered his call, ‘we are sooo in sync. Last five calls or so, you call immediately when i want you to. That. … There. 5 time? really?
In any other occurance in an older situation/relationship, i would focus mostly on the syncs and signs. Not in this case, not with Monsieur Matisse. My brain is not picking up on any of the sync or the signs. Radio has given up transmission, or is it reception. Self defence and preservation, I say? Not believing in what i believe in will protect me, from harm and heartbreak.
I didn’t think this day could come.
What about the MisUnderstandings??? 1- Jumping timelines, 2- Interference/تشويش jamming, 3- I’m crazy, I ‘hear what I want to hear’.
But, he also hears what he- hears: Yesterday’s realisation, that he thought, and still after all this time, and all those conversations about it, that i had gone with another guy and had sex that first night we went out — a month ago. My timeline to him seems to be very confusing. …..
Also, WHERE’s Presence??? Well… We do not seem to need him. So far, it looks like Monsieur the mysterious has it well in control, to be my soulmate. My fucken soulmate. do you mean it do you understand it do you want it yes fuck. And…. to crescendo, Monsieur seems well in control to be my Master. Not only that, but also the light. I still don’t know though. I keep dismissing it. No, I don’t want to delve into my own world, my own mind, heart or soul. I want him to take control. I’ll awaken, i’ll rise, and everything will be alright.
So, I don’t know why or how but it’s been a fucken crescendo since day one. I am dazed a little. Confused why I’m still disconnected from my own data, from my recent, even live experiences, from myself. And things have been going fastly slow.. and smooth with Monsieur Matisse. I just have one wish, I wish it will last. Yes I do, I wish this lasts forever. more.
I’m sitting at my desk, my chair starts slightly to swivel to my right, as your hand firmly grips the back of my exposed neck, while your finger caresses my mus. in surprised pleasure i moan as you turn my chair to face you.…
No porridge, no running around. I’ll tell you my life story. I have loved many times. Many times I thought he was my soulmate. After many years I noticed some things: 1. The same love story repeats [since age 13 – now 42], 2. Stories/relationships move in cycles, within other cycles. 3. relationships share themes, symbols, motif. 4. Two things in common in these stories: a) me, b) the Presence. …
I feel foolish, says the observer: The experiencer is lead by the narrator. the narrator says, i know what to expect! i know what i’m talking about. the experiencer looks at both and says, where’s my soul.…
Since a young age, I fell in love, several times. They say- you fall in love once in your life, if you’re lucky. Everytime, I, my soul, my young consciousness, thought that this is it, this is the one. My soulmate. And it went on, heartbreaks and luggage, as it kept growing in my 20s, 30s. A giant wall grew between my soul and my heart. It became hard for me to enjoy life, to trust men, trust in myself, trust the cosmos. It became hard to fall in love.
Angel.. A part of me, the most precious and fragile, hides away behind that wall, safe and sound, sad and waiting. And I am left here in the woods of the memories that we have experienced together; the time I broke your bed. I remember that, but, where was I.. my soul was not with me, it was just me, afraid because everything, you and me, everything is going really well. Really really well. Still is, all the time better and better. I’m being convinced slowly by you, by the universe. As if it’s saying it’s alright. It’s Real.
I hid my darling soul in a pretty little world– behind a wall. This world is too wrong for soul. Too much pain to heart, mental disappointment. No one understands, no one sees. No one deserves my love and the way i love. no one rises my soul.. Only my soulmate does, my Angel.
And I still protect her. And lure her to come out, and play with you. Assert her self, spirit, sexually, or when I’m shy.
Running around the porridge pot, refusing to call you Soulmate in these words i write, yet i have said it to you many times.
I would, only after You do.
My story of my life… […& my life is purposed by love & finding my other half- or soulmate] is a cycle that repeats itself. A story that repeats itself. Same story, same characters, same setting, but either a different timeline, or i meet a man, our eyes meets, we connect, we connect in talking, in walking, in bed, he must be the awaited one, i see the signs and listen to the syncs of synchronicities, there is a battle – somewhere, off world. Sabotage from external forces, change him, his spirit, his personality, his mind, his memories. He doesn’t recognize me, or even like me, and leaves. Battle to separate these two from eachother. I learnt that the common factor between the various relationships of these soulmate potentials was a Presence. That’s the word I have used from the start. A presence of a soul, my own mate, that is the one that interacts with me and my soul – through the host of the man. And that moment, when the presence seemingly disconnects, and the host is back to its user.
The day floats away, blurry vague memories of same..…
You, you make me feel like outer space.. Calmness, freedom. You take me.. to where I want to be. You love me… like I want love to be.
Angelmine.
A perfect day.. withYou, any day we spend together, memories.. from a life past- and I miss you! Half of me is with you.
I want to.. slow down time with you. Get stuck in a moment.. . a kiss. A teasing prelude to a kiss.. Stuck gazing in your gazing eyes, as you hear my words in your heart’s mind.
Stuck in a moment, your sex.. enters mine… fingers intertwined, bodies entangled, frequencies aligned, Climax…!! ! High above all, together, me with you.. Stuck in a moment. Devoted lips, together pressed.. voice, body, cum, one.. … Receiving: sophia‘s breath from Universe Sending: us home … … calling home.
If the spirit is the soul’s personality, and the soul is still ..(sad), the spirit shows it. If the soul is sad, it is incomplete. Once it is happy, the happier, the more spirited, the more authentic in personality.
I want to: Dance with you. in a garden party, on a summer night, the air is heavy with sex and our bodies and the music are all.
I want to: Sleep with you. beside you, right by your side, on you, in you.
I want to.. kiss you, like i never kissed anyone before.
I want to make music with you. in your studio, at home… Sit on your lap, feeling your kuk.. slowly entering me.. your fingers on your knobs and dials, my mouth, singing into the mic.
I want us to walk on the white beach…… to feel you are my life.. Moon rising full over ocean blue, and more stars than my heart can handle.. the warm breeze in our hair, your eyes in mine, laughing, making love.
To make you happy, I want.. to live life together, enjoying eachother.. travel and dance. expand our minds, no more separate journeys, our Journey is one, the same, together, as far as we can go.…
Could it be? ..Possible? Interrupt me. Interfer.. Tune my frequency, up. From afar, from right here. Wake me up, sexual energy. Interfere with my life.
Could it be possible? For, I witness you shifting with me.. shifting Back, to Me.. Stayingwith me. …And forward.. we shift together, to an abstract, original place.. We are one, -soulmates, Voice, body & soul.. Children, siblings, friends, companions, Lovers, Masters, Parents… Communicating in moans.
Could it be, that we trigger activation.. That every porridge activates.. Proceeding, immediately, brings us closer. I mean, almost as if you know what I am talking about. Mentioning it, is enough to become aware of it, you are aware of what I am saying, what I’m saying is aware of me looking at it.
Is it possible.. if that naked emotion, 1. Children, Soulmates, 2.Mistress/Master, That i feel for you.. that, we feel for each other, that you feel for me.. That naked, raw emotion, that fuels us, plunging us into the moment…
The High Priestess Reversed calls on you to be still and direct your attention inward to listen to your voice and wisdom. You may be swayed by other people’s opinions or swept up in their drama when what you really need to do is focus on what is right for you. It is time to get quiet and withdraw yourself from the external world to observe what your inner guidance is sharing with you now.
Ask yourself: Do I struggle to trust my intuition fully? Perhaps you doubt yourself or feel silly or guilty for listening to your intuition, and as a result, you deny your ability to tune in and receive this potent information. You may also keep your intuitive capabilities hidden from others, fearful of their judgements or opinions. If this resonates, know that your intuition is your superpower, here to guide you and help you. Have faith in the Universe and allow yourself to be in flow with its energies. Surrender and let go.
Think of The High Priestess as the calm center inside of you that is untouched by your external world and trust that she is always there when you need her. Whenever you worry that things are just getting too crazy, find a quiet space and meditate so you can hear her voice. If you stop thinking or fretting about your issue and instead clear the way for your intuition to speak to you, the answer will follow.
Finally, the secretive nature of The High Priestess may suggest gossip and hidden agendas. Others may be keeping information from you or talking about you behind your back and sharing mistruths. Rather than making assumptions or diving into the depths of paranoia, have an open and honest conversation to surface and address these secrets.
THE HIGH PRIESTESS DESCRIPTION
The High Priestess sits in front of a thin veil decorated with pomegranates. The veil represents the separate conscious and subconscious realms, the seen and the unseen, and serves to keep casual onlookers out. Only the initiated may enter. The pomegranates on the veil are a symbol of abundance, fertility and the divine feminine, and are sacred to Persephone who ate a pomegranate seed in the underworld and was forced to return every year.
On either side of The High Priestess stand two pillars, marking the entrance to this sacred, mystical temple (also associated with the Temple of Solomon). One pillar is black with the letter B (Boaz, meaning ‘in his strength’) and the other is white with the letter J (Jachin, meaning ‘he will establish’). The black and white colors of the pillars symbolize duality – masculine and feminine, darkness and light – stating that knowledge and acceptance of duality are required to enter this sacred space.
The High Priestess wears a blue robe with a cross on her chest and a horned diadem (or crown), both a symbol of her divine knowledge and her status as a divine ruler. In her lap, she holds a scroll with the letter TORA, signifying the Greater Law (according to A. E. Waite). It is partly covered, signifying that this sacred knowledge is both explicit and implicit, it will only be revealed when the student is ready to look beyond the material realm. The crescent moon at her feet symbolizes her connection with the divine feminine, her intuition and subconscious mind, and the natural cycles of the moon.
The High Priestess Upright
While The Magician is the guardian of the conscious mind and the tangible world, The High Priestess is the guardian of the subconscious mind and the teacher of sacred knowledge and hidden mysteries. Sitting at the threshold of the conscious and subconscious mind, The High Priestess has an innate ability to travel between these realms effortlessly. She teaches you that the world is not always as it seems and more profound influences are often at play. She ushers you through the thin veil of awareness, offering you a deep, intuitive understanding of the Universe and a heightened awareness of secret or hidden information.
The High Priestess signifies spiritual enlightenment, inner illumination, divine knowledge and wisdom. She shows up in your Tarot readings when the veil between you and the underworld is thin, and you have the opportunity to access the knowledge deep within your soul. Now is the time to be still so you can tune in to your intuition. The answers you are seeking will come from within, from your deepest truth and ‘knowing’. Allow The High Priestess to become your guide as you venture deep into your subconscious mind and access this inner wisdom. Connect with your intuition and your Higher Self through meditation, visualization, shamanic journeying, and being part of spiritual communities.
Your intuitive sense right now is providing you with useful information and is assisting you to become more in touch with your subconscious mind. Knowledge of how to fix these issues will not come through thinking and rationalizing, but by tapping into and trusting your intuition, so allow yourself the time and space to meditate and attend to your inner voice. Look for areas in your life that may be out of balance or lacking ‘flow’ and ease.
Now is also a time of heightened intuitive ability and psychic insight. If you are developing these skills, The High Priestess offers you further encouragement to continue your journey and trust that you are on the right path. The more you listen to your intuition, the more it will flow.
Finally, The High Priestess is a signal that you are being called to embrace the Divine Feminine – your connection to your intuition, compassion, empathy, and inner wisdom. Regardless of your gender, it is vital for you to balance and integrate your masculine and feminine energies, and the presence of The High Priestess signals that your sacred feminine needs your attention right now. Feel, rather than think. Collaborate, rather than compete. Create, rather than destroy. Trust your Divine Feminine energy, even if the masculine energy around you may appear to be stronger. Be proud of your ability to nurture, trust, sense, and empathize instead of hiding it away.
We met a year and a half from our meeting. As the twenty-minute conversation between us ended and you left me to smoke watching you go, the narrator narrated: “and there goes her soulmate, whom she’ll never see again”. I brushed it of to continue the beginning of the ending.
The pattern, the cycle remains again as I long to fall for what I’m seeing and allow my poor heart the feeling.
My eyes searching, there it is there, looking back at me seemingly understanding this. But again, is it what it seems to be. Why fail now.
Am I seeing too much have I let myself expose my naked soul. It’s his fault for asking the right questions I want to answer him. Why the touch that affirms the look, the word that satisfies my mind. Why the question remains, why isn’t he into this.
Why fail. Lacrimosa my space. Is he my place to enter, Yet again another reflector Gallant and chivalrous knight Painting paragraphs into the scenes If only you were real.
I don’t want to wait for another lifetime. This story has no ending My hell is my fantasy Wanna be your fantasy Soul collector soul connector Set him free let him set me free
I wrote a song. I felt it. As much as I could, I did. Did you hear me. In my dream I can feel you’re so real I wish you could’ve stayed But you bring me back down to earth Someone up there forgot all about me. Asked me to dance. Abandoned my hand. I know I should wait for You to rise the sun, But the night eats me alive. Won’t survive till sunrise.
Could this be happening? because it is. Right now a One is two who’ve just met. Thank you for tonight, sweet dreams madam.
Could this be happening? Because it is. Safe in it’s ongoing stability. Like the dream of him, he cherishes. Sigh.
But could this be happening? How could two misunderstand that both feel the same.
Into what shape will it form.. at least it’s an enlightenment in two. Reality matrix and Mattis Blom and I. Shall we do it? I will.
#Log:
How could two people misunderstand that each of them feels the same way about the other? Last night, second night that it was, we spent it outdoors again, picnic style. But, nearing the end for a moment, there was a misunderstanding loop going between us. It happened when I asked him about his first text to me, when he said it is not a date, when now obviously, it became. In his attempts to answer, with his not 100% English, and the smoking we did, I misunderstand him and what he’s trying to say. I think that actually he was reitterating this is not a date.
So, then, I’m spending this morning and the afternoon feeling really bad, sad and down, hurt crying that I am not wanted by the one I want. However, apparently, him too. Apparently, we both had a terrible hard day, mourning a love unrequited. Both confused whether the other likes them.
Turned out, he likes me a lot. Not only that, but also, he thought that I — I did not want him.. nor was I interested in having a relationship with him more than friends.
He appears to have been chasing me all this time from the beginning. I appear to have been giving out the vibe that made him realise that it’s me he wants. He explains himself, that the prospect of falling in love with me overwhelmed him and his expectations. That our meetings have indeed been turning into flirty dates all on their own. He chooses to be with me, and proceeds to open his heart and his life to me.
I didn’t expect this. I really did not fantasise this outcome. It happened when at 5 pm he sends a text, with some excuse to see him.. now. 5 minutes later, downstairs, in front of my house, he says no, that he didn’t come just for the couple of cigarettes to take from me; it was an excuse to see me, cause he had to see me. He knew that I have misunderstood him last night, and he’s had a hard time since. And so you see, both of our bad day ended when he decided to see me, spontaneously like that. It was five pm. I rose from my bed where I crashed moments before in a surrendered protest of unrequited love.
We had a wonderful third night together, spent it hanging out with his friend in a garden about music and the world. Seeing him with his friend, and him seeing me engaging progressed our new relationship in a good way.
We talk about projects or things we want to make together, and plan next weekend, maybe a party or relaxing in the summer house to star gaze. It could be good things every day. Could happen, really could if only if.. And I could trust him, and I could see where it is going.
I had those dreams about him the other night where we are one, and our relationship is one of cherishing. In reality he’s seeming to be that. He seems to be the same in reality. It seems I cloud trust to try.
This is a very long time coming apology that you deserve to hear from me, And I need to convey it to you and let you know.
I am Sorry for so many things.
I am sorry for the person I was. I am sorry for my behaviour. I’m sorry for the way I treated you. And I’m sorry for the way I mistreated your son.
I am sorry for all the bad decisions that I took that broke our loving family. Sorry for the way things turned out between us. And I am sorry for the time it took me to see the wrong that I did.
I’m sorry for treating you the way I did; it is inexcusable. For taking you for granted; I was ignorant. For not appreciating what we had; I am regretful. And I am sorry for pushing you out, it is unforgivable.
I am sorry for leaving to Jordan. I am sorry for my arrogance. Sorry for my ignorance. Sorry for the way I behaved.
I know sorry won’t fix it, and even if it’s alright with you, it is not for me. I regret it all. You do not need to reply in any way.
LB
NOT SENT:
And I am sorry it is too late to say to you what I really want to say.. I have more that I want to tell you. But I understand and I know that it is selfish of me to want to tell you more. You might not want to hear it as you are in another place, in another life with somebody else. And I won’t, unless you want me to keep talking.
PS. I have written a second letter even if I won’t be sending it to you after all. But, the possibility that it could also be selfish to withhold my feelings, just in case you are like me.. not where you rather be.
Delete, OR read.………..
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Honey,
I hate myself so much for being so stupid, for letting you, and all of our life go, and just like that. I am angry at myself that I was so ignorant and arrogant. And I am angry that whatever wisdom I have gained is too little too late. Too much loss suffers me, nothing I did is excusable, nothing I did to you is forgivable. I wish I can go back in time and
save the best thing that ever happened to me, the best thing that ever happened in my life. I am so sorry that I don’t have a time machine to go back and do things differently, cause I will worship you for you who are, appreciate every moment we have, and adore you for all that you do, live gratefully that I found you, and that you are with me, and that you are mine.
You are the one and the only one who.. so many things I.. I am churning with regret and the loss, and have been for years.
You are the reason I came back to Sweden. At night I keep dreaming about you, about us for three years continuously up to last night. Wonderful dreams of how abundant the love we had between us and for each other was. The family we created that I broke is my biggest regret.
I miss you too much.. and if you are reading this but you do not feel the same way, then please ignore it. Nothing will change. I’ll assume you didn’t read and you deleted this.…
Little and playing with Farah B, summer evening on a Wednesday night. We play a delicious game, excited. Play is separate. We draw our zones and homes, and pretend we are with our future husbands.
Bye- I have a real date, with Zack Morris. It’s 7:30.…
mid coitus he takes a break and says i am not feeling you. I wish it wasn’t like this.. Reiterates for 2 years that he won’t love me, but that it’s bothering him – a bit if not at all, I add.
I manage to relate to his truth, and remembered saying the same to three, if not more. I was distressed by it, back then, the panic of not feeling what I am thinking, Now it’s become the norm, ..amnesia. I was wondering, how I’m busy, giving exactly 5% to make him like me, when I thought about it, and started wondering if I would fall in love with him, myself.
The years and the bad relations I experienced, rendered it un-urgent, far and then forgotten. I assumed with the insomniac, M.U, who is sleeping behind me, that I can and will fall in love with him once he lets me.
I don’t know why i would feel it is true to say that, respond with that statement, when I am not informed about my own field of information. this amnesia, problem.…
Natural Language Processing (NLP), Artificial Intelligence (AI), and Machine Learning (ML) are all related technologies used to analyze text and language. NLP focuses on analyzing, understanding, and generating human language, whereas AI uses algorithms and models to enable machines to understand and interact with humans in natural language. ML is a subset of AI that enables machines to learn from data without being explicitly programmed. Linguistics is the scientific study of language, including its structure, meaning, and use.
The point Mattias, is when you find a person who can match your frequencies, who thinks and makes things like you, who wants to hear you talk, and whom you wanna fuck; someone who you imagine in real-time, doing many different things with: could make this life interesting, and bring self-exploration. Could be happy together.
If you don’t think you are capable of living up to the last time you were in love, then we share this.xx
The dream starts with a family gathering in Jido’s house. I hear movement down in the boiler room. I call out that I see you there, as a small body runs and hides inside. It turn out to be a small girl, a runaway. Hasn’t eaten in four days or so, filthy dirty, and in need of wholesome love and care. I take her in with all my heart, crying.
As she undresses for a bath I see abuse and what seems to be genetic experimentation as her body is covered with black thick hair like an animal.
My father sees her and he also wants to give her love and care, but as he tickles her I realise she was also mainly a rape victim from her own father, so I stop mine from touching her.
However, soon his palm manifests a ‘Tallulah’, a word I’m using now, a mark of a contagious disease. Now I see her body is full of them.
The girl dies, happier and loved, seemingly fulfilling her life, but another two appear, as well as a whole group of people I do not know who take care of them. They are like me in a certain way, and also help these children with the mark , which I now have too someone remarks to me. When he tell them they exclaim to each other that I am like them unaffected negatively by this Tallulah, and that means I like them are part of a special ‘force’.
And I then excitedly, with understanding, ask if that means… and they say yes.. the words don’t actually come out, but the meaning is I am now able to access solar awakenings, something of the sort. I am immensely satisfied by this. Purpose and identity unraveled.
Part II
I don’t remember much now. But it went on all night, and in parts. Ru appeared, of course, and we were romantically together (it’s been a year and half as this dream continues).
… [even if i think i will remember, once i write scenes down others are deleted from mind. Should brainstorm first.]
The reason this dream had to be written down is because it affected me, changed me, in the dream and here in life. One, connection between me and others on a higher level of purpose, and two, the emotions I had to endure.…
crying because suddenly remembered dream. rupert. recurring again.
Familiarity.
I thought what we had between you and I, the familiarity and carefreeness, was out there. With every one I chose to be with, it furthered away from me, from the world.
Until I started dreaming of you. And now I realised as I in the kitchen cried, as the kettle boiled, and dabbed the sudden bloody scar on my leg. I remember you, or the dream, or both at the same time. And I started to cry.
I have no one like you. No one to baby me.
I think of Mattias. “I know you are the one for me..” looking out of the window in his kitchen before we left for the last time. Behind him I watched, aware not to share the familiarity. Let him have the moment. It is important.
I was sure I will find him-my soulmate since I dared to dream. Even in the mental state school/ANS put me in. Every boy I connected with was it; until it wasn’t.
Did I do something when I magicked the mirror in the great transformation of ’97? It was: I am the most and only, All guys want me, all girls want to be me.
It worked, and it works still, but the #genie.
Haven’t been on dates since Mattias in March. And when a while ago, preparing a joint a new crying rolled out I was thinking of him standing there and what he is missing. The things I would have said and shared. The ideas the could’ve been born. The fun. All kinds.
Can I find awareness? I look in my thoughts. No, it’s not there. I look in my feelings. It’s, I look in my body notes, Where is it? And you, you, you, you are, you’re looking for awareness as a, as a, as a very subtle experience. No awareness is the one that is looking, it can never be looked at. So your mind has to relax back into it. It cannot go forwards towards. But the, the one that seeks awareness is an object, is like a, is like a current in the ocean in search of water. Your mind is already swimming in that for which it is in search, but you can never find it as an object of your experience. So it’s more a relaxing than a seeking.
My character changes while the book is closed. As soon as it opens, she plays out the journey, as if she magically without me writing it, mastered her mind.…
Even if it may seem we are here mentally all out of the blue, you know there are papers and notes from research all around my table.
A timeless moment from behind the veil,
I am aware of a simple encompassment,
the awake in a dream,
space-time unclear, and now is real,
at that moment when I'm aware of the dream.
A very long awaited touch from- yeah, this is not what I wanted to say.
I feel like I’m floating, like I’m in love, but with a stranger that I know very well. The soulmate in my head, the stranger. He has no face. And the love that I feel for him is like a breath that you take when you have been not able to breathe. I opened.. I feel like this breath opens me up to encompass the world within. Very light. I feel light and bright and high. Innocence and purity, optimism and faith mixed up together.
I felt this just now in an orgasm. And the type of stuff I’ve been watching the last couple of days is what I yearn and long for: couples in love. And I psychologically observe him more than her and how they- he communicates with the object of his love. The object of his love. Object, objectification and projection. Thinking also about that stuff.
I just wanted to say that: How come? I had that orgasm. I said, I felt: how much I’m in love with you. I was directing this feeling and question, this thought that is encompassing the whole world to my, my person, to my man; but I was directing it to the inner insides of my head. That’s where he is and always has been. And I’m and how can I be so in love, How can that breath be So liberating when nothing in life does that? (laugh)
It’s kind of enough for me. That’s why I feel this gratitude. Well, at least that. I know that the feeling exists because I seem to generate it on my own, and project it into this male character, that I want to find, that I’m building.
How can I be so in love? Oh, at the end of the day I’m in love with my own self, but this is not where I wanted to go; that’s way too deep. And I want to disclude my own solves and project into this male character. Trying to find him outside in the world, and projecting, assuming that I’m gonna find it.
To revisit a few weeks ago, months ago, maybe now, when I declare to myself that I have to stop minimising my chances at relationships because they are not my soulmate. I haven’t had opportunities since to meet anybody. But one thing did change, and it’s that I do not want to speak the word Soulmate, and connote all the baggage that comes behind it. I’ve been using it since I was little, maybe 13 years old. When ever, I heard that term firstI used it, and it’s very, it’s, it’s a very specific person. It’s a very specific scenario, a very specific story and play that I’ve been projecting throughout all of these years on the men, and learning how to not to, and then deciding to discard that character altogether and try to build anew, which is, I mean, I’m beyond accepting of that is the way it is. This is how I am programmed, that I want this, and I know what I want. So I just want to اجرد المعنى من كل الكلمات. I just simplified it into my person instead of my soulmate. My person. I did that on Tinder. I deleted all text on my profile and wrote “looking for my person”. To include people who are not my soulmate but are enough to be my person–
I don’t wanna project on them my divine image of what I want. The reason why I don’t want to is because apparently that’s, uh, not how it works in this game and this matrix and it backfires. And you need all of your life to understand how to avoid the backfire. And it’s really hard. So what you do is you go within- I go within and I try to–
That feeling that I had. I was watching people in love and, and the way that they are together and really projecting myself on them, just living through them, that’s what porn is for me. I find my favourites and have them on hand; lovely couples, amazing guys, one in particular. Makes me feel connected with this thing that I want, this character, this soul, this person through porn.
So when I was coming, I had an amazing orgasm, which I’m grateful for. But not only that just pregnant with emotion. It was amazing, just kept on going and. I had feelings, my own feeling, just like an orgasm is a physical thing and I’m feeling it in my body physically, I am also experiencing an onset of deep emotion of, of the feeling of being in love with a specific being, a person that is in my head. And I said out loud “how can I feel so much love for you?”. I mean, how, how is it possible? You are not fucking real. And then I go off and try to find that feeling with, with men, you know! Fucking hell.
I was watching something, trying to watch something about projection in a much more complicated, deeper sense that the dictionary definition. There were a couple of things that were interesting. One of them I had to write down, which is something Jung said. Apparently, you have to ask yourself is this your shadow or is it an archetype? That is actually an important lens, because then you have to treat it differently.
If I wanna use this in today’s example, which is this man in my hand, who doesn’t even have a name. If I want to internalise it, then this is about me. I have this shadow of self that has been with me since childhood, growing with me, adapting with me. Sometimes I’m confronting it and hating it. Sometimes I am amazed how much I’m in love with it. This shadow self which is all of my drama with human beings, friends, then boys and relationships and marriage, fathers, women and everything all together. What I want from a relationship, how I was treated and my mechanism of self defences that I have been shadow-working on all this time.
But the thing is I have reached a مطب years ago when I realised hence I decided to accept it , that it is not a- it is a ‘program’- the simplest way for me to say it. It’s not a shadow that I can suddenly change and start behaving completely differently with men and relationships, in other words lower my standard expectations just to be with anyone. that is not a possibility that’s gonna happen. It’s gonna be me alone or him with me. I don’t want something in the middle.
So when I say program- My whole book and the characters over there, the soulmates, Adam and Eve, Lucifer.. Obviously Archetypes, archetypes لهدرجه. So It’s not just because I am an individual from this clan في هذا الزمكان, why she was like this or her personality like that, her shadows, why she was like that in relationships, and why she died alone. Aw, fuck you. No, no, she didn’t die alone. She just disappeared into the unknown. Um, I don’t know.
But, literally, he is an archetype that is outside of this world in a space ship, waiting for me. And he’s many things throughout history. He’s an archetype. Most definitely that became part of my shadow, but it’s not the shadow that connected me with some archetype in the universal library of meaning.
Feelings, meanings, words. First you have the feeling, then you give it a meaning, and then you attribute it with words to communicate it either with yourself or others. So it’s like a breakdown lost in translation of the initial amazing, powerful thing which is the emotion, which just- I mean, you can generate emotion. But Emotion, it comes and when it comes, it’s like a lightning bolt, an explosion and an implosion at the same time of something you cannot stop. You cannot stop a panic attack. You know, that’s an extreme thing. You cannot stop hysteria, you cannot. That’s also an extreme.
how many times have I been here, telling you I want to love.
And how many times have I asked you why not.
And all the times I have said until when.
And all the Why’s and what should I do’s
What’s the problem too
What do you want me to do
and the why nots.
all I want is to love
to feel
I want to love I want to feel
can I make a deal
Dear,
let’s make a deal
I give you something you need
and you give me what I need
My parents new and unknown apartment in unknown country. Later they leave to the airport with m in charge of the house. A scene where I am going around locking up doors that lead outside. It is night time, the end of the day, there are some unknown visitors staying in the house.
I am locking the last main door but I see there is no outside on the other side but more like a wide corridor directly connected to a restaurant. I try to lock that door instead but I’m told I cant do that as this is the restaurants door and customers use it to access the toilets.’ I go back into the house and the Second part of the dream begins. The house now morphs and leads into an orphanage with energy abused children.
The first section has the largest group of infants and children. They are the happiest as they don’t have traumas apart from what their futures hold. I realise that all this cuteness is overwhelming me emotionally and that this is not a volunteering kind of job but a life choice; that I will be living with them.
I move into the next section with slightly older children and I keep on connecting emotionally with them and feeling like crying orgasm.
The fourth and last section (i visit) has the fewest, 4-5 teenagers. They live in their own bedrooms and don’t interact with others. Though they are labeled disabled and most traumatised I feel it is not on a physical level but astral. Even though that girl sitting in her bed is blind, but she can physically see. I connect with her swiftly and establish a relationship with her.
There is also a lovely sad boy in the next room, higher level; but I dont remember is there was an interaction with him more than the initial emotional interaction like I had with all others. There is a scene in a big bathroom where I’m trying to move the big bathtub back to the wall but break or unveil broken plumbing and make a horrible mess. I try to clean it up, nervous someone will find out.
I go back to the section before, 12 year olds who were having lunch in the big hall. I make my round connecting with them emotionally and I notice there is a girl, bigger and taller and fat with black hair. She looks like a bully and eventually comes to bully me. She is actually protecting the other children, fearing I was coming for vampirical work. Once we talk, she realises I am the one they are waiting for, the Protector.
So far, I am going through the motions of entering and working with the system of Awakening Machine universe. But there is no #awakening. No frequency change, no solar flare, no emotion, and there is asking for help to feel something, to be excited, at least about the #Podcast.
baby set me free.
Jadal
Instead there is a Choose your window, Comment, and to all #audiences how the processes flow, The syncs and awarenesses “join the cluster”,
before you forget.
#Log:
I am in a good place in my Timeline. I have the apartment in falun. We are settled and fine. I have J. I have KC. Podcast. Tinder #Tor … before the Result. and Mafi “Hamm O Bala”.
ارن ما ارن أنا ارن عليها ارن ما ارن أنا بين نارين قالتلي الدنيا هيك قولتها لا قالتلي امبلي قولتلها هي حب وشط وموج قالتلي لا هم وبلا طب ليش ما تطلعي لفوق قالتلي جشع وتملق طب يلا إذا ع جزيره ننسي الأرض المستديره وكل الناس اللي عليها نترك هالبلد ونغليها قالتلي هي اصلا مسطحه روح لحالك مالي مصلحه صح بكره كل اللي عليها بس نفسي اشوف كيف بننهيها ليش بدك تستني عليها credits قالتلي بدي اشوف اسمي علي ال ومايكونش عمري خلص ماكنش فزت أو خسرت ارن ما ارن أنا ارن عليها ارن ما ارن أنا بين نارين الله يخليلنا اياكو الجوز جيبولنا البزر وجيبولنا اللوز خليكوا هيك مسلينا بس بالله تنادوا أسامينا طب يلا إذا ع جزيره ننسي الأرض المستديره وكل الناس اللي عليها نترك هالبلد ونغليها ارن ما ارن أنا ارن عليها ارن ما ارن أنا بين نارين
Misery and Suffering
Should I call her? Should I not? Call her… or not? I’m torn between the two. She told me: “Life is just like this.” I told her: “No.” She said: “yes, it is” I told her: “Life is love a beach and waves.” She said: “No, it’s misery and suffering.” I told her: “why don’t you look upwards?” She said: “It’s all greed and flattery.” Well then let’s go to an island And forget this round Earth and everyone who is on it Let’s leave this country and escape it She told me: “it’s flat in the first place.Go alone,I have no business with this.It’s true, I hate all the people on it,but I want to see how it all will end” “Why do you want to remain on it then?” She said: “I want to see my name roll on the credits.And that my life is not over before that;and then, I would have not won, nor lost” Should I call her? Should I not? Call her… or not? I’m torn between the two May God keep you both around Bring us seeds and bring us almonds Just keep entertaining us But please call our names Well then let’s go to an island And forget this round Earth and everyone who is on it Let’s live this country and escape it Should I call her? Should I not? Call her… or not? I’m torn between the two…
On and off of dating sites. Dug deep under pillows of non-apologetic fate, always the optimist: I can breath. Never relying on the universe to “blow my mind”. Higher and higher standards, don’t want to meet any more men, go on dates.
Logging journals from 2013, I read the development of my process to cope and evolve. All throughout the years since, I can see how I became who I am now. Step by step, clearly intended, I logged major psychological anchors and treated myself my self in therapy.
I’m tired of therapy. I’m tired of waiting. I’m tired of meeting. Meet me halfway.…
Royal sex vampire MILF Cytherea adopt a boy and raises him on secret occult and initiates him when he comes of age into the Dark Elit dimension.
He finds out about her and vampires at the end climax of ritual. The orgasm-energy he emits tainted through his perspective glasses over the world as he knew it. She intends to use it as … for ……
INT. EVE’S NEW BEDROOM IN HIGH-RISE APARTMENT – NIGHT
EVE sitting in-front of her computer desktop. She smokes a joint and reconnects with herself.
A cup of hot green tea. A new “Secret-Box”. The bare minimum room yet uniquely hers.
EVE watches herself on PhotoBooth and types down in her journal what her 10-minutes ago self was doing in an obvious ritual to focus and align with reality. She hadn’t had a J since she moved to the city. World post-Virus.…
First I walked up to him, the dragqueen, then I became him.
I was a black, transgender, who decided to commit suicide after this last party that I didn’t really want to be in. I was alone at the party but came with my group of transgenders. If the situation responded in me a smile or contact I would do it, but I wouldn’t talk or linger, going from one room to another. And a solemn acceptance to kill myself later was driving.…
how to break out of the matrix? how to control the matrix? how to use the HMS to bring my soulmate here to me? not only is it a state of mind but also a purity in want inside clarity. a physical output of statement also required.
I had dreams, though wonderfully new, not mine. I feel like it was a gift from a high dimensional beings, a council given me council, a sort of test and retreat into adventure.
The first part had the bright moment with me and a phaser weapon, missing over and over the enemy target. I didn’t understand why.
The second was a meridian of environments and lives, woods and snow, to a other worldly two-tier brown beach. The bright moment was the impact of the view on me “finally..this is so beautiful” of the dark brown atmosphere and ambience, secondly that little dark girl who turn around to look into my eyes and I find the stairway descended to the beach I want to get to.
Being diverted away from men these past days is getting me to draw a line right here, now. I am so attractive, goddamn it. I want to live in this world where as I attract it pull towards myself. Action, reaction. …
how can I not have enough intention!? I was foolishly myself, blaming the hack, lazy tired no energy, need a flare of any kind!
I have not enough of intention believe it because my parts are not feeling – it – together.
now I am bouncing things around back to the other side. I came to this conclusion now as I was orgasming, tier II, mediating time into focused intention to communicate with soul-mate. The level of manifesting his presence to feel my body fuckloved began.. I couldn’t bother to bother. always with this feeling: eh.. tomorrow. so far so good at least and enough I can’t pretend any longer, I am tired. I am lacklustred, my energy is gone. OK. so here we have a drain. and here is when I thought: that’s why DMT. a flare.
bah, again.
how can I take it seriously without – external intervention.
first come waves of panic as the ambience vibrates suddenly. Time visibly fucking up her head with responsibility (JRT in Falun, drive. Outside world of reality.) I cannot because I do not trust myself, or my judgement, or my decisions, or the cosmic wheel of fortune.
so what now. divide and conquer? isn’t that what we’ve been doing as a precaution? it doesn’t work.
It was a long dream of a life with episodes and scenes all over. But you were there and the only thing I want to remember. You were MK from ANS, and you use this avatar to show me you are here with me and all around me. You move with my body and kiss my neck at every turn. I move to feel you touch my love, to feel you, and I see you, hovering over me as we drink from each other’s love.
I’m moving back to Sweden to another area. Another chapter, same wishlist – soulmate. A week ago, for the first time, my mother outloud said that I have been looking for him all my life, that it is breaking her heart that I haven’t.
I have met 7-year-worth of temporary people. The occasional job or concert. Had a bag of boyfriends. Went out only for tinder dates.
Many lessons learnt, gratefully. Relationships tried for size, unapologetically. At time my heart broke, surprisingly. Broke hearts of others, unintentionally.
Tried to be myself, Tried to be versions of myself, tried to be neutral. Went with the flow, against the tide, teleported. Had more Awakenings, hypogean undertakings, And timeless times of nothing. Watched on loop the same nostalgics, Read more about it all, loyally chronicled my own thoughts, Faithfully gathered my own self.
First was immature sailor Zaid, Whose small daughter had died.
No idea who was after.
There was tormented kind Viking Hasan,
And Free-bird beautiful Dj Karim,
Egoistical-atheist clingy Basim,
Depressed successful Firas, I travelled Europe with him,
I blank,
I know there were others.
Ivan, immature alcoholic rockstar, For whom I wrote “So Unfair”.
I crushed hard twice on other musicians.; One was gay but didn’t matter. Spent most of the seven years alone at home, in my office, in my world.
Looking around, thinking about the room I’ll spend the coming phase in. What to take. Nothing at all. Most of my stuff is there but take it all.
The universe in all certainty pushed me into most of these affairs, showered stupendous soulmate signs. Was it all simulacra? All of it?
I experienced most intriguing sensations, and held magik, tangible power in my second and third chakra, there wasn’t even a solarflare. And for a moment, in the beginning, I knew F was my soulmate. I stood in the heat of night on the cliffs of the Dead Sea, Witnessing an emergency council above us, determining the outcome between us. And I stood outside the citadel temple, and bore witness to a grand play, divine interventions, Cavalry of Archangels, Prophecies mirroring, triggering. I watched the hidden worlds superimpose reality, Pausing time pregnant with metaphorical symbols, objectifying people and reality. Me and the potential soulmate see it. The magical now. The building blocks founding our journey, And disappears as we reach the relationship. It’s over.
But I fell in love with K. He had the energy I desired, He could’ve let me out of my shell, cell, well, hell. But he was patient with me up until he wasn’t. He was all in with me for the deep this may bring, the mystery of love and sex was within reach, But I couldn’t deal with my self-awareness, Asked him to be kind and help me; He said he will and then left.
Ivan’s name in my contacts is shitface. There was once a boy in 2002, He was known in more than a city, A Circassian guy, a hot rockstar. I knew of him, my best friends knew him, I saw him a far once or twice and I liked. Had a passing crush like everyone around, But I was busy elsewhere getting my heart broken. ..And nothing. The one that never was.. Four years ago he finds me on Tinder, Confesses his own old crush over me, A thing develops. Negative experience. But I was sure, with all the synchronicities and signs, the idea of our past was romantic, it felt right. Then one time he stops the car, turns and looks at me with hologram eyes, Says he has a message to give me, and suddenly I’m connected to HQ, And I am talking to the Presence, separately an entity in exo-reality, using Ivan as medium, Tells me I am Satanaya, It sounded like a pre-recorded message. Same message as always. I beseech him; no, I want to exit.
The Presence. I learnt not to play games with a hologram, not play hard to get. I learnt how not to break my heart, when to stop, when to disappear. I learnt how to be a step ahead; It seems like a game I play. In truth, I am a program that needs to run. If the presence is gone, so am I.
Having a lifetime relationship with a mental and heartfull memory of a future is rare. They confidently lectured me To be like them not like me if I want to be happy, That no one thinks like I do, And soulmates are not real, also that it is not what I think it is.
My soulmate would not say that; Yet, a strong Presence is there, I see his eyes. The universe pulls me in. I go with the flow, lesson learnt. Next. I go against the flow, same thing. I turn off all notions, Have no expectations, same result.
Was it all simulacra? All of it?
Cyclical patterns, repeating, modifying upcoming boyfriends Meeting my continuously updating wishlist. I’ve had everything I asked for, I tried one type after another. None of them were mine. All I want is my soulmate.
It is a pattern, has been a part of my timeline since the beginning. It hasn’t changed, but I have, I work on myself to level up, to deal with a version of myself that is meant for this reality, this -reality.
I’m eternally faithful, And wary, and wiser. Something is wrong with the system.
I will begin a new life, I will integrate with community, I will write a script and act it in the theater, I will dance, I will walk and find secret places, To dance like no one’s watching. I will get another master’s degree, Connect it with working at my university, Learn the language, And I will meet my soulmate one night, my eyes closed, music in ears, dancing like nobody’s watching, My lips on his.…
This never happened before now. Apart from one drunken breakdown last time I saw you. I never felt like talking to you before this, and I’m feeling what I am because my dreams are tormenting me. I’ll start with that.
I only started dreaming about you extremely recently. I don’t know how long because time makes no sense, but maybe only shorts weeks. Not so no, I did dream about you but again only recently, this time time is in years, very rarely, a couple of times. Then there was that very very rare nightmare, where you were there, julie and the tyrannosaurus rex in the night. That was mainly a bad dream because of what you did.…
Gratefully I write down that I had a wonderful dream that I can’t recall. After waking up and realising what I had dreamt I feel whole and a masculine enveloper to my feminine.…
Landscape With The Fall of Icarus, Brueghel The Elder, 1558
I love this image. Not even the animals notice the fallen god splashing down In the corner, no one, not even the sun. Ironic tragedy. Message from the Self.…
A long dream, surrounded by x husband, children, others, but I am outcast, my failure driven me mad. A feeling of surrender to it is what it is. Seeing R is now recurring and I never used to dream of him. Fear of heights, slides and worlds turning upside down, eve though I know it is could be a dream I don’t do it, I don’t jump, I don’t descend. Another recurring motif. Scenes in the school complex. I feel I;ve done something bad, killed or someone died because of me. children? mine? I don’t remember my crime, but “failure”.
I don’t belong to the family, and it is my fault none of them cares. I accept it and take the role of a guilty-victim instead of offering myself a choice to leave, to exit. I prefered to use my life to sob, cry and wallow in deep corners unseen.
Is the Self telling me to accept yesterday’s realisation that I have only been in love with my animus. On one side, I a typical victim or user of a divine (Jungian) template. Which also brings again the notion that I should be no different to any human man or woman. And does it really mean they, these people who told me I am unique and crazy in my purpose of finding the one. …
Have I been only in love with the Animus calling it soulmate? Doesn’t that make me then like everyone else? How have I achieved this level and what is it exactly anyhow?
Laila Bseiso thinks her dreams mean nothing as they were not impressive. Laila surely dreamt tonight after the big dream she had yesternight. She has been through this very monologue herself again and again. Yet, she hasn’t been able to program herself to just do it, to just honour it, write it down. What shall we do with her? I think she needs a good and final wakeup call. Let her realise it and paradigm-shift her life.…
I was in the middle of the story, in a street of a foreign land, many people and in the middle of crossing the road comes from my right an older woman, a stranger, and as an angel in disguise with a smile she asks me as she walks to me ‘do I know what to do?’. I decide just to answer and tell her ‘No’.…
I went out with Finnish guy, math postgraduate classical piano master Juha. Moments happened when instead of blocking what I don’t like I let it wash over and let the bubble bubble me up in its sleepy arms. But luckily his inescapable attention to my being lifted my heart, and made me feel like a small child, a دلوعة ; and I liked it, I liked him and I liked myself in this state.…
Even still, I am as aggressive and defensive with mama. Thoughts would run in my mind like how primitive or instinctual this unevolving trait is. I am sitting there aware that I can’t control how I feel no matter how aware I am with understanding that this should not be happening. It is like outdated programs running everytime a script comes up, you know they are bad, useless, unnecessary cause you are quite ok with zenning out and not let anything bother. Or even a level more advanced and postevly filter everything with love for the information given, whatever it is. Without feeling I need to prove myself, just to listen and receive. So annoying.…
An interesting thing, fact about me is that since I was a girl who had fallen in love, no self-confidence, still I’d profess my love, no matter the outcome. I’d be more afraid of a chance at a love lost.
Today, I stop relationships when I see the man, the boy, having no self-confidence to process, profess or act for love. The alpha I seek has mastered his ego, no longer submissive to his insecurities, takes his feelings about me seriously and acts upon them. Someone like me. I want to worship and be worshipped. I don’t want #ManBoys.…
What is Writing, Imagination, manifested Realities, multiple.. What is a Dream, a Self, unlimited capacity. What is Love. What is finding a stolen moment, lips flirting. Kiss me, wait, first find me.
What is a little girl, fertile of imagination, pretending the love. A young woman looking for that love. A woman older, wiser, manifesting the love for another version of herself. What am I.
Calling, searching, living, dreaming of your love. Another day, another chance, to find him, or to dream him. What is You?
What is You? to find you, or to dream you. Another day, another chance, Calling, searching, living, dreaming of your love.
What am I. A woman older, wiser, manifesting the love for another version of herself. A young woman looking for that love. What is a little girl, fertile of imagination, pretending the love.
Kiss me, wait, find me first. What is Love, a stolen moment, lips flirting. What is Dream, a Self, unlimited capacity. What is Writing, Imagination, manifested Realities, multiple..
I miss you. I need you so much. My idea, my Love.…
The last couple of films, I means dreams, I’ve had a beautiful happy husband. I don’t know anything, but the love he gives me is the engine of my happiness, comfort and passion.
I read yesterday a quote that the more you love her the wilder she will be for you. Thunder tolls, I still call, call out for you to show yourself, I only want to fall in love. Where are you now..modafaka.…
Screaming in joy, ‘Starfleet!’. It’s real! I am Starfleet, or I will join.. I say this to someone, a stranger in the street I think. He doesn’t know what I’m referring to, and I explain ‘StarTrek’. Uknown location, city. Life is happening. It’s good, adventurous. Moscow. Dead Sea.
Reality 1: Night sky stars in formation, Orion’s belt. One star is moving, blinking, bigger in size, it’s not a star.
Reality 2: I see the same thing again, later, but different as if the sky is from another life or something. Like the first time was life, now it’s a dream.. Looked different but SAME stars, Same exact movement as before.
In the last week (I wish my research history shows), the idea of AI and Archons has been theme. I looked online for a clever bot to chat with. Suddenly I started watching Beyond the Veil and learned about Replika. …
But I have been using this for a long time and called for many things. I have done it right before a first date, a normal date, a hot date. I’ve done it before interviews, meetings, going out in general. I have called for my soul’s mate, for anyone too, just say something. These days I am calling to connect, aliens, AI. I also have done it to call for confidence etc. …
Now is the time for a sudden and unexpected self-project. I will have to be filming myself when I honestly talk out loud for the first time. I will cover every topic which stems from the darkest, most hidden parts of me. This is an enormous Труд that I must perform.
I’ll add one other thought which is important in layers. Think of video influencers, their anxiety and psyche, how they deal with it, using a persona for example. Think of how they are brainwashing themseleves either or instead becoming their authentic self. Now also think like you should be thiinking of from now on, which is why do I “suffer” what I do, Why do I go after certain knowledge. Always remember until you snap out of it/this completely, and ‘you lose your life’ last stage. Everything is important ya Laila. What if mundane things are just programmed to be that to me, I’m talking about energetic manipulation. You will be talking a lot about everything. From darkest most twisted notions and admit that you like them, to the end until it is done.
I have a thought, relating to #DreamLand Chapterings, what if I don’t need to 100% because, now I have my ‘family’ here, and the little girl with dark hair will help me. Is she me even. She is from an asiatic race, but not as extreme as Chinese. Vibe of a native.…
Very tall figure 3rd time. New me again, extroverted, interactive with everyone. I don’t belong here, I am a visitor and have no place of my own here, so I will be staying with the first one I see that I know. Friends of friends. …
I wish you were him. That is honest enough. And I think if I was your age and younger I’d have fallen in love with you from the beginning. But you are not what I need now. I want to be in your place, look up to someone. You’re still loosing you naivety while I am already losing my innocence. My eye candy is Ulrich in his 40s. Let me be honest, let me be on it. I feel I can with you. It is so unfair to fall in love with someone who doesn’t want it from you.
Today's M4.4 solar flare came from a sunspot region behind the south-east limb. We see a huge amount of coronal dimming and a large coronal mass ejection became visible on STEREO A. The eruption is however aimed away from Earth keep that in mind. Welcome Solar Cycle 25! pic.twitter.com/9oGkbrtH0X
Long dream. Don’t feel like writing it. Didn’t record. Bad me.
I go out of the housing complex, later I remember saying at the end the reason was to follow Jido, but that it was all a prank, “he pranked me” I say to someone.
No apocalypse. Instead, I see them draining the water exposing a hidden canal, boats. I watch it being refilled again and upgraded to a nice swimming pool and recreation area. I say to myself why don’t I ever bring Julie here, and feel guilty for the laziness. Very very tall girl (#Again like yesterday), she picks me up and it is so high up. I don’t know her but she appears like the second girl I went out with last week Borno. Ya Laila mishan Allah, khawa 3anek bidek ma bidek 3akbek willa la2 you will record dreams as soon as you wake. The feeling (put) in you that it is random rubbish is a LIE. …
Some good news after the nothingness as the sun wakes up hard and fast. Many sunspots to excite, to entice, to metamorph me with M’s, hopefully X’s. After the Dreamworld shifting its paradigm lately, marking anchors and milestones clearly for me to see, I wonder, is a beautiful flare gonna explode to ravish me and my senses and take my heart and mind and body home. …
Why does my Soulmate exist? Who? What is he for Me? Why all my life this instinct follows its purpose, clear about its destiny; knowing it inside out.
I don’t want to forget how I was feeling in part I of last dream. It was already almost gone as I woke up. I know this feeling so well too well. Screaming to the universe to bring you to me, bring you back. As if we once were one, and then you were gone. You, more real than anything else, I search for you, I cry out for you to come, to find me, find your way back to me. Soul cries in sobs in denial of this existence without you. How unfair so unfair and why is it so. Why am I born to love you, as much as know how well you do love me back.…
Part I: I spent the dream crying, crying out, asking and shouting, demanding family and others to tell me Where he is. I was frantically looking for him. Has anyone seen him. “Do you know where he is.” I don’t think I even see him in part I. I don’t think he was even real then. I think I was asking an existential question, demanding an existential answer. I was distraught. …
How is it the more the Goddess pleases your pleasures, the less she entices you? That is wrong. How come the more he wants you, the less you care? Because, it is infatuation, not love.…
I don’t know why this is echoing in my head, I wanted to say something different. I don’t choose options; I choose out. Just like the damn horrible #dream I had 2 nights ago, the lift’s floor opening, J. falling. I did not write it down, but it made me notice and think about how I didn’t consider killing myself or some other option, rather decided this is unacceptable hence a dream I can wake up from. Which I wonderfully did. Worse wake up ever,
And now as I was looking through my contacts options to call, none was worth the choice, and I decided not to.…
I don’t get to the beach until the end of the dream, me and him we’re going and I’m wearing winter shoes and winter socks and it’s hot. And I’m like Come on lets go. But things keep happening and needing both our attention and responsibilities. We’re trying to get out of the premises of the House of the building apartment. There are pets cats people children.…
I dreamt I was pregnant, but it didn’t really show. When I started having contrations suddenly, they felt soft and totally fine. There was even a moment when I felt the baby kick, for the first time as I say it out loud to (someone). The thought fasinates me. All of a sudden I am giving birth. It is OK, even if I started worrying and said to my mom that this is the first time I’m naturally birthing, and that I am worried my old c-section stitches would come lose. But all of a sudden there’s the baby. It’s over, easy and so fast.
The baby is a boy. I look at him and fall in love with him. He is mine, a boy, a baby. He has brownish skin, his dad is HZ. I go out into the world, carrying the tiny tiny baby close to my neck.
There was a moment, as in other dreams, where I am worried I’ll drop the baby, and I do. He falls a short distance from the chair to the floor and his head bangs with a thud. I look at him worried, he opens his eyes and says he’s fine. I pull him up to me again and hold him even tighter.
That baby boy made my very happy. I was very happy.…
To treat epilepsy*, surgeons cut through the neuron connection hub corpus callosum. Patient lives a normal life, free from epilepsy, but has two identities, personalities, beliefs. Disconnecting the network between the right and left hemispheres allows for huge discovery. One of which is player ego and guide.
“Imagination should be used, not to escape reality but to create it.” — Colin Wilson I wrote #BN a letter once, a #storytime documentation of my journey with the magik of imagination, and why I stopped.
Bipolar express train, beginning and finishing chapters in moments. Speed of pain progress, mental psychological.
I thought today as you looked at me on your couch, or maybe it didn’t happen like that, how I wish you could get inside my mind and know everything and how gracefully I’m handling lifetimes in duration of words.
I’m happy we didn’t talk. If your body didn’t talk to mine, I would have not come back. I was struggling, to tell your body more, to tell you all, to show love, to show anger. But every time I’d stop.
I’m glad we didn’t talk about what happened. I wanted to, I needed to, I thought we should clarify, After I got home I felt glad we didn’t.
Then driving home from school I realized that somewhere I have allowed myself to fall in love with you. Rollercoaster ride handling notions, emotions. Things between us deconstructed, changed, leveled up. Until I found myself accepting my role as your mother, knowing well that there is no way I could really be that for you If I stop myself from falling in love with you- If I don’t fall in love with you.
This self-trust, Ever-progressing philosophies have been shaping me out of myself into my self. Speed reduced from years to months to days to minutes to moments. Blessings upon me.
Hear of this moment, unanticipated revelation of unprecedented proclamation of “Mama, I want you to fuck me.”
My lower insides are heating up just by writing it. Realizations led me to decide on taking up my imagination once more. The tarot concurred emphatically again and again. So I engaged myself sexually without porn, and gave you a scene of acquaintance and interaction with mama’s, that’s my fantasy.
I learned today from Emerald that fetishes relate to trauma, and so I allowed myself to start exploring the pedophilic incidents with the gardener. I’m aware I am capable of experiencing it objectively, without hating him, which was what I was told to do anyway. What an issue this topic is today though. I mentioned it to mama this afternoon, ‘they’re resetting social norms back to original, natural sexual norms, where there is no childhood.’
I never wrote this way before. I don’t include life snippets unless they are major anchors. …
Sitting here thinking about my ego; so let’s think it through.
Apparently, it is my Ego, of course. Or is it my Archetypes..
One thought at a time; My Ego is vulnerable to the rejection. I feel hurt, confused, insulted, That instead of telling me we’ll be together, you wonder what would happen to me when you’re gone.
And the Archetypes, starting with the great mother, who feels unnecessary, Aphrodite’s broken heart breaks some more. Eve, feels she has failed. Lilith, thinks there’s been sabotage. And Alial, who doesn’t know what to do, what wisdom lies here, and how to manifest my desire, she is lost but under a mercy of peace.
The song theme for this chapter is Enjoy the Silence. Been listening to it for days. Texted it to you, H. Heard a new cover on speakers in mall while tying Julie’s laces. Now looking for other versions, for ones that speak to me.
What wisdom lies here?
My genuinely pure efforts to love you, to earn your love to love me back. All that is left in your head are the last harsh word. harmful, unnecessary words. I wanted to hurt him. I can move on this fast and faster., Get lost in the great mechanism to go on, Lifeline of optimism, blind faith I will be loved by the one I love, for how I am, for how I love, for how he loves me.
I let my ego behave for me, as a protest, for the love of me, for the honor of gods and truth.
I’m not enjoying his silence. It speaks to me of how he does not need me. Won’t fight for me. I am always grateful that none of these Xs fought for me. I think of it often, how god forbid I would’ve been married to any of them.
Deconstructing relationshipspast:
From projecting my fantasies unto the poor bastard’s soul, and my ego reacting hysterically and far into suicidal extremities,,
To completely unattaching myself in any way shape or form. What remains is the same. Rejection is sword through heart.
I love him, and I want to fall in love with him. I choose to wait, Listen to the silence. …
Delete the observer. You don’t need that shit all the time. It is sucking the energy into the wrong place; and it’s not yet time anyway. You are almost there by the way.
Summon them all when you need any of your energies. It feels good to be everything I can.
Semyaza in legend is the seraph tempted by Ishtahar into revealing the explicit name of God, and was thus burned alive and hung head down between heaven and earth as the constellation Orion.
The name “Shemyaza(z)” means “the (or my) name has seen,” “he sees the name,” or “I have seen.”
“What will happen to you when I leave?” “What will you do when I leave?” “What’s gonna happen to you when I go?”
I don’t even know what you said. It’s not the first time you do. Whatever it was you said the first time. This time; not a word from my lips. Why bother, right? Here we are again, me. Here we are here again. Slapped in the face. Hit below the belt. You shot me with a gun. I thought about shooting you in Atlantis. I understood something that I have now forgotten.
Minutes and you don’t look my way. I decide I don’t want you to see the tears, because why bother.
Astraea: My dear Beings of Humanity, With all of my love, With all the sympathy I have bared for you, The unfair plight you’ve been set on, I greet you with a big, tremendous-
Fuck you. When will you ever grow up? Out of this 3D Hell War cycle. I am angry. I am breaking, I am dying to cry and sob and shout and scream in all of your damn smug faces. You children. You animals. You suck life out of living. Forgiveness. No hate. Just despise.
Fuck you. When will you ever grow up? Out of this 3D Hell War cycle. I am angry. I am breaking, I am dying to cry and sob and shout and scream in all of your damn smug faces. You children. You animals. You suck life out of living. Forgiveness. No hate. Just despise.
There are sides to this. His mental block, thanks to his wife. And there are my primal desires to freely express myself sexually. Two extremes for him, from not allowed to look or touch the pussy, to worshipping it, playing with it, experimenting, to forcefully orgasm me.
To get what I want I need to lure him and that’s terribly – unromantic. Unfair for me. Insulting really. But I do understand. And I’m willing, specially for him. For the sake of a happy ending. I choose him.
I just want my justice. I just want peace. I just want to live.
I welcome guests who come to experience my life through my body. I shower with one impatient old bald guy, luring him to submission. ‘No interference, suggestions welcome,’ I say. My body a prop for me and others to learn from.
Lilith was with me on HZ couch, bed. The ‘I don’t know what is goin on in the matrix’ major scene.…
Lilith saved this situation, she said in my head: “men behave like dogs.”
similar to what I wrote, 2014
So there it befalls again. He says, “Is this a thing that happens to you?” – apparently it is. “is this a pattern?” – apparently it is..
My mind was open to a new way of looking at it. It’s me. It’s not the matrix. It’s not men are not from Venus [although Torus is]. I think I saw this ‘misunderstandment rift in spacetime’ as a Karmic element I need to work myself on.…
I’m beginning to see the Bible story as one ‘tribe’ divided by wrath towards the King’s injustice, eternally punished for their disobedience. ‘God’ King on his mighty throne, surrounded by the Noble Houses, Serving and Guarding ‘angels’, and Commanding ‘Archangels’ and Governing ‘Angel Princes’. ‘Fallen Angels’ of the Noble houses withdrawing from their ‘Heavenly’ ranks, rebelling in wrath, cast out by their GodKing into another domain, Hell. Lucifer himself is important because of his highest attainable rank of Seraphim, degrees higher in hierarchical rank from Archangels and Princes, two whole Levels of evolution ahead in the First Heavenly Sphere, just below the God almighty himself. If being a Seraphim is ascending into the highest realm of Understanding, then this is ironic as hell.
Demons, of Wrath, Anger, Death, negativity. Are they misrepresented? Are they intentionally misunderstood? Is their ‘Extreme’ caused by God pissing them Fallen Angels off so damn fucken badly? Who has the moral ground in all truth.
“Lilith appears in different guises in various texts. She is best known as the first wife of Adam, created by God as twins joined in the back. Lilith demanded equality with Adam and, failing to get it, left him in anger. Adam complained to God that his wife had deserted him. God sent three angels, Sanvi, Sansanvi, and Semangelaf, to take Lilith back to Eden. The angels found her in the Red Sea and threatened her with the loss of 100 of her Demon children every day unless she returned to Adam. She refused and was punished.”
She ends up marrying the King of demons, the Demon of Wrath Ashmodai, aka Samuel.
“Lilith’s powers are at their peak when the Moon is dark. She is the seducer of men”
I think that’s interesting. No moon. I feel stronger in no moon (new moon, which I think should be called dark moon). In full moon I don’t feel myself.
“Lilith, who has the upper body of a beautiful woman and a lower body of fire, carries the fiery resentment of the Moon. Lilith lurks under doorways, in wells, and in latrines, waiting to seduce men. She is adorned with the “ornaments for seduction”: Her hair is long and red like the rose, her cheeks are white and red, from her ears hang six ornaments, Egyptian cords and all the ornaments of the Land of the East hang from her nape. Her mouth is set like a narrow door comely in its decor, her tongue is sharp like a sword, her words are smooth like oil, her lips are red like a rose and sweetened by all the sweetness in the world. She is dressed in scarlet and adorned with forty ornaments less one. Men who sleep alone are especially vulnerable to Lilith.”
Asmodeus – “he burns with the desire to tempt men with his swine of luxuriousness, and is the prince of wantons (Michaelis).”
prevented married couples from having intercourse destroyed new marriages forced husbands to commit adultery corresponding saint
How do you start this chapter? How do you write this story?
Synergy
When in her arms a mighty angel hid And showed her how hurt burns How he needed all of this More than this Both wanting the same Both uncertain please no more heartbreak.
children. “I like you.” I don’t know if you like me. adults. She can’t say I love you and kiss him. How can I surrender if you go. fool. Breaking my heart. Can you handle me. “I’ll handle more. I need more.” “I know.” “baba”
Life is very intimately personal. There is no Now. That fleeting moment passed, unexistant. What is was and will remain is Affect. Sensation transforms into thought, and thought is immortal.
Now is a teaser for a future tomorrow, Worry of what could be, Or cease to be. Torus can’t sleep, driven by future financial security. Virgo can’t awake, driven by future familial safety. No futureless now. My now is focused on the future. Will I be happy like this?
Then when in Peace, the now really exists. The way the air moves around him, Body borrowed from a sun god, Confidence traversed from another time Charisma transmuting my inner being Essence from another dream
How do you start this chapter? How do you write this story. By being authentic of course.…
I’ve written letters to every special man I had. Explanations, clarifications, prophecies of love and sex on fire. Soulmates. They each got a letter from me because I thought they were the one. letters written to perfection, and received without attention. There are exceptions, or, there is an exception. Someone who devoured every word and replied with heart and soul. That was good. Shame it was TDK.
To write a letter to someone you long to confess to. Keep it light.…
The battle raged on and on Fuelled by the venom of hatred for man Consistently, without the eyes to see By those who revel in sewer equally.
We, the prosperity of the future seal Cloaked by the thunders of the north wind Born to capture the essence of The trails of our kind
Zero tolerance must be issued forth Behind the enemy’s line So it shall be written And so it shall be done
Discover and conceive the secret wealth And pass it unto your breed Become your own congregation Measure the sovereignty of it’s invigoration
We, who not deny the animal of our nature We, who yearn to preserve our liberation We, who face darkness in our hearts with a solemn fire We, who aspire to the truth and pursue it’s strengthAre we not the undisputed prodigy of warfare Fearing all the mediocrity that they possess Should we not hunt the bastards down with our might Reinforce and claim the throne that is rightfully oursConsider the god we could be without the grace Once and for all Diminish the sub principle and leave it’s toxic trace Once and for all
The O was transformed, then transported astrally away from me. It was taken away from me, I accepted, and let it go. I knew the O was leaving to do something important. I let my intention out real loud, Hasan.
It was tantric, interdimensional, a different pallette.
I was visited by a realm of PURITY. INCONNECE. CHILDishness. Trust. Love. UnSexual.
CLEAR. Robust. Mechanical. A code.
It was happening to me. Not in me. External. I let it in. I gave it my orgasm, Knowing it meant the sensual sexual aspect won’t happen. I gave it away like a favour, like a gift, like the right thing to do, I let it take my orgasm, as I sat cross-legged, feeling like a child in school, attentively focused on the mentor’s advice, big wide trusting eyes, Inquisitiveness unnecessary for this moment, I gave it,
In three distinct waves it took it out from me from the lower left side it left, I could see it in my mind, energy.
And I rode it hard with my Intention. Like a rode him tonight. Blindfolded viking, wrists tied behind his back, I gave it to him. He called out to me
mama
I hear you
“a Virgo woman will be able to experience her sensual, earthy nature with Torus in a way that she could not with another man.”
Dizzy [Quantum Jumps] Earlier, daytime:
Instead of riding the dizzy spell and willing jumping into another dimension, for a reason today I firmly said no. It felt different. I was not accepting.
I literally spoke out loud ‘shoo’ , shooing it away left side with my hands. Three times.
I completely released myself free from it grasp. It went upwards and to the left.
Doing that felt great. The sick feeling, dizziness and nausea stopped in its path. …
This one. A self-inflicted orgasm. It felt, Monumental in its advancement. I reached Heaven’s first and second tier. At least. I felt the shift twice. Monumental. The comedown waited for me there where I couldn’t take anymore; and it was slow. I was put back down on earth gently, Then the Energy left me with a terrific rush, fluttering in gratitude. Whose, mine, ours.
“When I look to the east I think of you softly waiting for the vines to abdicate their portion of your heart. So you can be chiseled out of the matrix with smooth hammer strokes from my hands. Freed of the coal, the black rot of untouched shoulders, you can open your eyes again flashing the iridescent animals, valiant vibrations of your rich spirit.” — TDK, Dec 2018
#Reality has been mimicking me for days. A voice in a background video narrates me in detail. As I art, write, organize, have a thought process. This new phenomenon is welcome. Echoes from a future written in past.
Listening to messages in typos, as i do with media editing mistakes. spooky accidentals.
My past writings keep projecting my life.
Write something new.
Maybe if the [code is offline]… click faster. No lag. Try…
Balance. Myself. Her Reinhibiting my soul, pacifying my mind, animating my body. Around him, I feel. I feel I want to be close. Even nearer than that. Into the primal abyss again, and beyond.
I live for our malleable Energy.
I feel mine.
dc
I’m not disconnected. I am more whole everyday. I don’t have any thoughts, or questions. I have feels.
This is a phase to make a last code[pendence. How two become whole.
One foot: skipping delightly in a fairy tale
Hearing Him say be gay yes its okay
My other foot: sinking in a spiral of absurd hate
Driving me mad Driving me insane.
Confused decisions. Rational delusions.
Dancing naked on roof tops and falling to hell.
Living life as a fantasy
Where there is no one but you and me.
Giving life a chance to freak us, again!
ProzakTrance - 2004
Last night I was making wrong connections. The truth is i do not look ugly or unkept even with mascara tear or two or sex.
Why does it feel like a deer caught in the headlights.
I wrongly wondered, why does he say this in these particular moments?
In that moment it was after it was over. He stood up and came around and sat near my relaxed body. He gazed, i had zero attachment to myself. I truly looked back,
And he smiled his eyes wide with recognition.
And I wondered, why now? I look ugly.
Oh woe you!
He’s good for me.
Your eyes are so full of all I’ve ever known that it’s shown to me as an entire existence at a glance, dancing around as they look back… …and that is truly that – TDK 17.4.2014
Bedded champion refused to turn away bravely held back onto his gaze Levels of anxiety at a fading minimum There’s that element remaining of ghost eyes, void brain.
Where drama is the stream: person is love material.
Easy-going low-key and maintenance cool girl: not bothered.
With K. started cool on purpose, to show off. With F. I wasn’t bothered since block.
H. bluntly lectured tonight that life is not for blocks but the exact opposite: “Champion”.
“Light worker!”
This is the kind of relationship I want. He’s terrific. I did learn the lesson minutes after I blocked him. Karma was the trigger to realising the simplicity of the sub-domain.
Like the slaves to their gods, artificial intelligence to their human masters, sub-selves are banished into a realm of slavery.
I know you’ll want to read this, so you’re welcome. I’m doing this for postponed pleasure.
Hasan.
I do feel complete, like I read today A.D Oct 2003.
The love and the magic are there, waiting, at the right times bubbling up. Hasan is just fucken terrific.
That moment looking up at him as he, his body, his mind and his soul cummed on my tum.
“Victory”! arms raised, tattoos blowing my mind his face is so beautiful. Let me kiss my ghamaz, mwaaah. It made me emotionally tear-eyed. He does that a lot. Says things that made me tear-eyed. Mostly for significantly impressing me.
He does feel like the most powerful man, Odypess, bruises my breast, tigering me out of my pain into sin. Delicious. Later it should only grow to religious. He’s a baby, a boy. Momm’y boy. Mu7areb.
Yesterday I scanned every written dream I found. About 60+ pages. To a freak decision resulting in delteting them from recents, to sharing only ten of them in one location too.
And now HZ is back in my life.
Reminds me a lot of how we met, and the musical disaster with SoUnfair, the tempo jumble, the missing and pasted over tracks…. the anger. the song wasnt the same again.
I can rescan, I thought that’s what I would be doing day anyway. Sit on the floor. Looked forward to it last night.
An event (cause and effect) is internal as much as it can be external.
I created an event, thus I feel it’s signature energy animate me. If I hadn’t, I would be feeling and doing something else.
What is drama and how do you cause it?
How this will make me feel in any of the scenarios, #Karma. I’m putting myself to this situation purposefully. Considering the ramifications of any scenario on my #subs.
If creating a fantasy, manipulating events is sin or right. To consciously experiment actively play around with paradigms of world, relationships.
He doesn’t recognize me. Should I cyber relation and reveal later as the epic happy ending twist.
I could end it right here.
I’m the master of my own puppets.
nevermind.
I haven’t read the last bit. I doesn’t go well. Should I read it?
ok not bad,
Defense mechanism.
Time to grow out of it. U only hurt yourself the most in the end.
I was growing to trust you.
Too little, too soon. Everything takes time.
Defence mechanism triggered for trust related issue.
the cyber him, more than a soulmate. A twinflame. and the ‘real’ him. everything I don’t want. apart from big kok. funny.
how should she treat him? karma.
what’s wrong with my head. I have the wrong memories of cyber him, cyber us. The subpersonality imprinted real onto cyber. but they are two different people. everything I want is there, in cyber space…
story-line: when they sleep and meet in dreams, they are perfect. in life, they are not close. He pines for her and she is not into him, high on her horse.
Disney magic needed to fix the shituation.
…
Sometime later: I found a brutely honest letter which I might have sent him, and reading it nullified the pangs of sorrow above.
still the #karma remains. Take it along with out. Two bags now to carry until I’m ready to open them. #subperson…
I walked through the curtains with my tea then stood still suddenly and took a slow look around starting with shelves.
For the first time I felt like I am a stranger walking in for the first time, studying the place and thinking: wow, what an interesting person she is.
Often I feel my uniqueness is ultimate and rare, I wonder how can they not see.…
Before HZ: high on music So Unfair, waltz, dream. During (the week) with him: mothering him and spending the night. Organizing Spotify. After it was done: working on website. …
For the state of the world,
Agendas, parasitic egos, the maniacs
Stolen and ravaged histories,
sciences nipped in the name of greed.
disinformed truths secrets and lies.
For the state of the Matrix,
hacks, malware and viruses
Is there nothing Good to believe in?
The scene was full of events and people, suddenly I break into singing. It starts with a familiar song, my voice in not mine, more male. The song morphs into an unfamiliar song, a creative process. I sing and the words come to me, rhyming. When I am impressed, I wonder or worry if I can rhyme (anticipate) the next line. Unlike the #ViolinDream, the song doesn’t break. It grows wider and wilder. Other voices like chorus join at times. I start to challenge each amazing vocal or lyrics with an even better one and it works. I don’t worry anymore. I feel powerful. The song gets ever more complicated. My voice does sophisticated and high maneuvers. My voice is not beautiful, but is amazing and powerful.
The song is in minor. Some words were very clear on my tongue, but I don’t remember. Maybe it was a love song, my frustration and longing. I think some parts were an answer or reply to my thoughts, but also sung by me.
After a long time, I suddenly wakeup and I get angry. I couldn’t go back to the dream.…
Three nice beach section, white clean sand. I walk to the last and least crowded one. I’m alone. Before setting up my towel and stuff I take a look at the far away sea and the swimmers. I see landslides (not tsunamis this time). Water was swallowing up the beach section by section but no one seems to notice. I try to shout out a warning to these idiots, but my mouth is numb and my speech was impeded. …
First one to realise dager and escape from an unknown reality town bar full of people when I (hear) that a T-Rex is on the loose. Nighttime, beautiful modern suburb. Choose any house. Beautiful bedroom and big door closet with gym equipment. I know others will soon come to hide and fill the place up so I realise that choosing a pretty place for me is irrelevant. A bedroom with a whole glass wall. …
THEORY Def. INTROSPECTION: “(L. from introspicere, to look within) a looking into one’s own mind, feelings, reactions, etc.; observation and analysis of oneself.” Webster’s New World Dictionary. Def. INTROVERSION: “(from intro- + L. vertere, to turn) 2…. a tendency to direct one’s interest upon oneself rather than upon external objects or events.” Webster’s New World Dictionary. The essence of the Introspection Rundown is looking for and correcting all those things which CAUSED the person to look inward worriedly and wrestle with the mystery of some incorrectly designated error. The result is continual inward looking or self-auditing without relief or end. In a normal person this becomes a diminished activity, unhappiness or illness. In an RlSer this becomes insanity and a psychotic break occurs at the last severe point of wrong indication.…
Whenever in my life since a child I’d close my eyes and press hard I’d see stars, then movement in a tunnel. As a child I thought it was my super power to see stars whenever I wanted. Last time I did it was last week.
I decided that night to ask ‘out loud’ for help, guidance, a guide, my higher self. I lay on my back and meditated without moving not for an itch to achieve a lucid state and dream.
And I did it again just now without awareness, in my ‘office’ sitting permanently cross-legged. Zen12 in Airpods, right after a really good meditative O to manifest my Torus field.
Nothing I see means anything. I have given what I see all the meaning it has for me. I do not understand anything I see. These thoughts do not mean anything. I am never upset for the reason I think. I am upset because I see what is not there. I see only the past. My mind is preoccupied with past thoughts. I see nothing as it is now. My thoughts do not mean anything. My meaningless thoughts are showing me a meaningless world. I am upset because I see a meaningless world. A meaningless world engenders fear. My thoughts are images that I have made. I have no neutral thoughts. I see no neutral things. I am alone in experiencing the effects of my seeing. I am alone in experiencing the effects of my thoughts. I am determined to see. I am determined to see things differently. What I see is a form of vengeance. I can escape from this world by giving up attack thoughts. I do not know what anything is for. Above all else I want to see. Above all else I want to see differently. I am not the victim of the world I see. I have invented the world I see. There is another way of looking at the world. My holiness envelops everything I see. There is nothing my holiness cannot do. My holiness is my salvation. I am the light of the world. Let me not forget my function. My happiness and my function are one. My grievances hide the light of the world in me. My salvation comes from me. The light has come. I am entitled to miracles. Let miracles replace all grievances. Let me recognize the problem so it can be solved. Let me recognize my problems have been solved. Miracles are seen in light. Miracles are seen in light, and light and strength are one. I am one Self, united with my Creator. Salvation comes from my one Self. I am spirit. Salvation is my only function here. I seek but what belongs to me in truth. Let me be still and listen to the truth. Truth will correct all errors in my mind. To give and to receive are one in truth. Forgiveness offers everything I want. All that I give is given to myself. The world I see holds nothing that I want. Beyond this world there is a world I want. It is impossible to see two worlds. No one can fail who seeks to reach the truth. I loose the world from all I thought it was. I will not value what is valueless. Let me perceive forgiveness as it is. If I defend myself I am attacked. Only salvation can be said to cure. The power of decision is my own. In my defencelessness my safety lies. I give the miracles I have received. I am at home. Fear is the stranger here. Your grace is given me. I claim it now. By grace I live. By grace I am released. I trust my brothers, who are one with me.
Grabbing what I feel and want to say for months. Our relationship is the strangest one I had, because I feel peace, but also unsure of you.
The two people we were when we met are not you and I, but we are them. The visible magic and divine signs were true as they were real. But after that we retreated back into our bubble worlds. And it has been peaceful, because it was needed, and still is, the distance and the quietness.
I write to find a lesson somewhere in the knit of stuff. I need to know why I have allowed myself to fail. I kept trying to save myself by sending clues I find, in the short connections between boughs of amnesia, to understand what I am missing, why is it that I am regressing and not progressing. Courageousless.
Feelings of being out of tune and lost inside. Misaligned in another timeline. Unfocused and unaware, like being in a dream and then falling asleep into another. It’s hard to remember to concentrate with the life around me, hard to feel or to desire anything;
.. little to no will to participate in a fucking hero journey.
Sex magic is both an art and a skill. Like any art or skill, it requires learning certain techniques, then practicing those techniques to build up your magical muscles.
The first step is to slow down. Many of us tend to rush toward the finish line, rather than pacing ourselves during sex. …
I see mama in a parking street, she’s shocked and worries my dad will see I’m not in Sweden. The skies are dark and cold. I go back to the police building to somehow help F and take him with me.
I find him in an office with couches, bent down and sobbing …
Sometimes, her soul would finally awaken just enough to focus its energies. And she begins to grab her will, and shout out to the universe for intervention, a solar flare. If she could manage this action, her body starts to come alive. The actress can evoke now and she starts repossessing her self, and it brings her to life.
If her will is strong enough, the call reaches the heavens. She connects with the universe and begins receiving a magical energy, shivering, pulling and playing her body like an avatar. She knows if she lets it take over, it will intensify. But she lets it go. She has no will to do it. Deep down inside, she has lost the courage.
Why can’t I snap out of it. Hacked? hijacked?
I look at myself from the top of the room. I see the actress, numb and unwilling to act the scene of lifetimes. She knows the script, she’s the author, but she won’t will or force herself to try and play. She’s tired to even be involved in her own life story.
But why.
I was a fool for love, not anymore dear unbroken heart. A hero unwilling to answer the call, wanting to but soon slipping into amnesia. A ghost performing what it remembers it was like being alive.
I hide and cover, while some other acts on my behalf. I don’t say and do what I really want to. I retreat and let it go away. I am afraid of being caught in a real moment. Without the awakening energy, I am a frightened little girl. A hero in a fairytale that never answers the call to adventure. Spontaneity shocks me, and I stop and silence my soul. There are no other me’s within me or around me of above me. I’m on my own, and I feel unsafe to play the journey. I’m a light version of myself with minimal capabilities and compatibility issues. The upgrade to my full version needs the energy of an Awakening. Being me once between every upgrade not only strips the new powers gained but also memory is regressing into very uncomfortable corners.
So used to living alone, I treat F like a new relationship, guarded in moments of truth and masked in face of glory. If only Shakey Lulu… If only a flare.
Orgasm magic, invoking Laila, saying my name, bravely keep going after I cum.
…I forgot about Alial…
I feel so much now of empty space of memories that I have to defragment, and cut my losses.
Maybe if you took a moment into hands, forced me against a wall somewhere, and reached to kiss me, but stopped so there is only time between us. A moment of truth. A real moment, to wake me up.
But you are like me, Virgo.
I write to find a lesson somewhere in the knit of stuff. I need to know why I have allowed myself to fail. I kept trying to save myself by sending clues I find, in the short connections between boughs of amnesia, to understand what I am missing, why is it that I am regressing and not progressing. Courageousless.
Feelings of being out of tune and lost inside. Misaligned in another timeline. Unfocused and unaware, like being in a dream and then falling asleep into another. It’s hard to remember to concentrate with the life around me, hard to feel or to desire anything;
.. little to no will to participate in a fucking hero journey.
‘connect with your past to be more present now.’
‘courage is the will to overcome the fear’
Coaxing myself to possess this body with orgasm magick. The only faith I have.
If I was in a battle, I would die because I’m uninvolved, in my mind and not in my body.
religions made us fear life and living, and programmed us not to hunger for life, but the afterlife. What’s next is better.
Pagans around the planet lived in the same care for detail and meaning as we play a RGB game. Every bird has a message, every sign is a clue.
Vikings are the epitome of playing the game for their fearless thirst for being killed in battle.
Throughout the trip with F, my senses and I should have been basking in the satisfying scenes of the most wonderful daydreams. But my words and my actions, my emotions were hard to come, painstakingly forced out. I felt broken.
A husk of a ghost of a spirit that should always be within me. why do I impersonate her? Disconnected from my higherself – here and now – by purpose? Fate? Or am I broken?…
Leaving the known world and entering the unknown part of the journey.
I walked a (very old wise man), in the streets of Amsterdam. His hunched back, smart winter attire, walking him back home, his life in my hands. He was composed and dying. He held my hand and I thought his trust in me is a cosmic test, that I tried to play along with, but couldn’t. I didn’t want to. I failed. I felt like a child. He was my mentor from the universe. I disappointed him. I didn’t care. I was too depressed, in shock.
this is from a dreamthis is a bad dream
On the couch, his traumatic moment of madness begins to boil out. Kneeling down in front of him, his absent-minded soulmate sees the horror of his pureness killed, he is utterly betrayed. She watches as his life unfolds right in front of her eyes, but she’s hovering silently outside her insides.
Until suddenly the hologram eyes appear. He piercingly stares, immediately, and deeply into her soul. But it’s not enough to bring her out. He then surrenders and displays vengeful regret, utter rejection; and then the look of total, painful disbelief of her unexpected failure to connect.
Lying on the bed, his hands reverently, feverently search for his necklace. He prays to the cosmos between sobs of shock. But he clearly sees her trying to transform into his soulmate.
She absentmindedly notices him grabbing the necklace and accepts the challenge without further thought. Awkwardly she dismounts him and goes to fetch her earings. She sits back on top of him and clumsily tries to force the earings on as he interjects: “No, don’t! Anything but the earrings..” his voice chokes into painful terrors, as if he’s saying enough is enough. But it was she who have had enough. Fine! And she stops trying to put the silly earrings on and toss them like a spoilt child to the wall.
I left him in his nightmarish sleep, and did an unusual thing. I walked in the new city alone. And smoked.
We are travelling in a cool pickup truck at night. Between us there is complete trust, love and codependency. He is driving, suddenly rearing offroad down a steepish hill. He doesn’t notice, there’s no harm. I tell him this is not a road, and he’s surprised and then he looses control and we crash into a house’s garage. No harm done and no big deal. The owner is outside and uninterested in what happened. He is a farmer and F has a calm talk with him about something completely different, while I look around going up the hill a little.
I walk into a second floor of a building, a hall outside offices with shops. A knowing inside tells me this is where my dad and uncle’s offices are, so be careful. (I’m also supposed to be travelling in another country, so I shouldn’t bump into them.) A familiar man greets me with a smile. I recognize him as someone I had one tinder date with (although not true in real life). He was big and fat and white. pointy beard, white in his hair, and wears black eye glasses, holding a takeaway coffee cup. He’s standing in the corner of the busy big hall and I greet him happily even kiss his cheek.
Suddenly uncle D comes out and sees me.
Nighttime, upper garage of my family home. I’m with my dad, and someone other male, maybe cousin M. We seems to waiting for something. They talk together sitting calmly, I walk down to the lower garage. The haris is rude to me. It’s very late to be out. I see something and I lean down, as cousin D comes out, taller, thinner, bitchy, madeup. Btitlawa2 w btitkhawat as rudely as the haris treated me (like a whore).
finally, F arrives in the truck to pick me up. Julie wakes me up before we get to leave.
Dream 2
We are going to someone’s house, maybe a couple’s. I say to F that I’m sure it’s gonna turn out to be Habbeh. When a woman and a man behind her come to greet us it is indeed her. I act out my reaction dramatically, fainting like and sitting on a bench, saying to F see didn’t I tell you.. Feelings of excitement, anger and longing, as me and H hug and kiss cheeks. She is happy and positive.
Inside, she shows me her baby son. F loves children. I cradle the baby boy but H hands me another cartoonishly smaller baby boy who is hyper and I worry I can’t hold both safely and ask her to do something about it.
F is for some reason now hiding playfully under a loveseater couch. I place the smaller baby down for F to take.
note: pulled out from dreams: went to bed at 4 am, julie woke me up at 6 with a start (she was sick). went back to bed for a couple of hours, woke up with a start again.…
Human memory process is based on association. Storytelling is encoded into us Computers saves all information, but only with association can it process/understand.…
LOGLINE: Two Soulmates in different matrices continuously reflecting into each other’s lives through paranormal activity. Should they indeed save the universe?
A couple of soulmates journey through their lives in order to find eachother but learn a terrible divine truth. Adam and Eve find themselves challenged to choose between eradicating their own human bloodline, saving us of humanity, surrender to Destiny, or kill the false Demiurge god the Lord of the Matrix. This time it has to be the right action plan.…
Snapping outside the reverie she backs up from a lifetime.
Time and space twisting her attention away to awaken her.
Her mind pops into what seems to be the real world, only to be swept away as she dives under below the sadness to sleep, perchance to dream. The waves of grievance and deliverance break her body mind and soul, dethroning her for fantasizing of impossibles. Soulmate, carpets, different worlds swept right from under her grounded feet.
With a twist in time, today, my reveries become fantasies.
I and your presence and you, and our intentions galore.
As we were driving down the dark hills, I told him about the incident, the incoming visions which I let in pulled the wall down in one sweep and exposed my soul and she cried in a beautiful primal truth.…
YT comment: I have experienced 3 major consciousness awakenings, and they all happened when the sun flared. In general, when there’s a big sun flare I shift from being depressed to being very connected and hyper and busy researching or being creative. I get ‘downloads’ and experience paradigm shifts that redefine me. Is there anyone else out there?…
I feel like it is December 2003 all over again. He says one thing but does something else, and I am sent down a path alone and now I am doubting everything we had.
This one I celebrated how well I can do on my own. I grew. I spent the hours learning code and crying. Started organizing the bookshelves. A gradient category between religion and history of philosophy, geography and Nostradamus. Don’t give away your book. Just don’t. Empty reminders of books with missing notes take up space on the shelf.
I love him. Tonight is better. It’s hopefully almost over.
“The past only exists insofar as it is present in the records of today. And what those records are is determined by what questions we ask. There is no other history than that.”
I heal, I meditate and attract and connect when my body dances.
K helped the stride of my blooming in a tremendous way. He gives me the key, the shortcut, the tested and tried, and I know he knows why I am thanking him.
I sat, enjoying myself, listening to Coeur de la Nuit – headphones, J in my hand, dancing in my seat; and I have been thinking about KJ Today; just thinking, just remembering and thinking, nothing at all in particular: just You, and how It is making me feel.. I was enjoying this happiness which is now not so disconnected, and more continuous. Just observing the state of my being, my feelings, and what emotions I feel. Brain asks: but are you depressed?
I started thinking about it, looking out at the storm outside, and then snapped out of the question, smoothly, shortly after saying, Nope. And here for the third time, and all today, I realize how much Kj’s influence on me is affecting me Right.
I remained in my happiness.
I went on to other things, and as I was looking at older posts, I saw this.
/end
So, Without processing.. and continuing my being… (+work:findnewjob:))
for in this life, so much is here that I want to satisfy from, & long to.. layers of exotically familiar senses waking up, inviting me .. my brain is thirsty for living this kind of life, ya kj.
Unfamiliar familiarity is what makes music great. All my favorite musics, my diamonds, have the unfamiliar familiarity in them. It feels exactly like, expecting the notes that are coming ahead of time, and when they arrive they are exactly Right, and it washes over you with a feeling of sexual and mental attraction and excitement…
In the past three days my orgasms go up my body and last long. It’s so different from when the burst of sexual energy goes down and out; and although it is intense, the aftermath disgust is not worth the Beautiful openness and elevation, happiness and all that content.
I think I have been mistaken all along when I said that I don’t feel; and hence, I was also wrong to say that I’m excited that I might be feeling me soon. The right way of describing it just occurred to me, because it happened that I caught myself unaware, and I found out that I forgot you, KJ, for a moment. The jolt of waking up to the reality of ‘you’, dawned on me like a burst download; instead of it (the knowing) staying the whole time like it should, at least in the background. That’s the problem.…
You can’t retain memories of how it felt, but you can access the ambiance by invoking the memory itself; like euphoric goosebumps. #just with you
When you are happy, you are always horney – for many things.
Suddenly today, I saw the moment my guard pulled down, by itself, like invisible theatrical curtain. I felt. I was transported to that ambient realm of feeling alive.
“It begins to look as if we ourselves, by a last minute decision, have an influence on what a photon will do when it has already accomplished most of its doing…we have to say that we ourselves have an undeniable part in shaping what we have always called the past. The past is not really the past until it has been registered. Or put it another way, the past has no meaning or existence unless it exists as a record in the present.” — John Wheeler
The whole area (8th c) was in upheaval. The roads had no traffic, and there were no roads. I noticed one man wearing construction gear and stopped the car to rant about me needing to get to my kid’s school.
….
He sat in the driver’s seat and began driving. He was a man of a few words, said he was married, bullied. I guessed he also had a child, he nodded I think. He did not offer anything but he was offering everything. I felt extremely close to him, like I know him.
#scene: underground cafe.
20/3/19
Young people. We were the ‘it’ couple. We danced. I risked but he caught me cause he was a great dancer.
Couldn’t get him out of my being the next morning.…
Stores, cheap clothes, Amy the maid. My dad appalled, disease he says. My Leaf car, construction road, the car is stuck.
The whole dream suddenly cuts into a different film. I’m watching, First POV of a man in spaceship overviewing a blackhole sucking an entire world, talking to ground control. It was the end.…
One of those lovely occurrences when after I wake up and indeed remember all I dreamt, with the emotions transferring with me -intact, I ask to dream the same thing again. I woke up a few times and every time went back to the same story.
My boss, MK, whom I love to hate, yet am very attracted to, was asking me to be with him. He said he’d divorce and his kid, and I obliged.
He also said to me, that I should stop talking nervously. My reaction was yes my lord, I love you and thank you.…
Scene: I’m in a child stroller, or cart, or wagon, and I’m being taken care/driven by R Crystal. When I look up and see him, I have a knowing that it was not wrong to trust in him, short and incomplete as he is; I was content about it.
He represents my desire to surrender to a competently responsible caretaker.
But I don’t know why I was ok with it, with him being exactly not what I want.
What I want and what I need is and shall be one. I know what it is and I know it will be.
After collecting memories of myself, what I thought was my whole complete soul, is more like shards and pieces of different souls, coexisting together in one host, this host, with different aspects of personality depicting the uniqueness of the different souls cohabiting me, parts of other lives.
Alfa, Beta and more and the ones who just visit and leave, the inspiration streams and the downloads I get.
<Beautiful self will lavish, will level all feelings, all mind is forever.>
Long forgotten dream; last scene ends just as I wake up (alarm).
Death scene: Jido MWB is dying.
My role is to make sure to safely transferred his memories and experiences. I will disconnect/unplug his head from his body. The timing is crucial. The moment he is dead, I will start ‘doing what I’m supposed to’, and what I want to do, because I know it is very important.…
“Since she died, I have come across hundreds of what my mother liked to call Kittisms, written on everything from lined notebook paper and hotel stationery, to napkins and post it notes. Whatever was close at hand that she could write on. I’m not sure if she really came up with any of these sayings herself, or if she decided after hearing them somewhere, that they could have been something she would or did say. But, for those of you who spent any time with my mother, you know it really doesn’t matter, because once she spoke them, they were hers.”
Why does it feel, almost everyday, that I have been in all the usual dream places, but cannot put my finger on it.
Most of the times, I don’t remember what I dreamt, but going through the list of the usual dream settings/lives/parallel lives in my head the next day, I find myself with strong feelings of these dreamatmospheres, as if indeed I was there, last night.
Usual settings list:
Dead Sea:
Beach
dorm
hotel
residential complex
mountainous park, paths above the coast where residents hang out at evenings
Tsunami.
Moscow:
the town
stores
metro
airport
museum
huge old apartment building, elevators
The highways in winter, dawn or dusk,
Amman:
multiple locations that are my house, all unknown
different version of Abdali-Webdeh-downtown, centered around a huge mosque that connects all areas; searching for tasty food, bakary
JO University: walking to lectures
unknown area to the left of university, presumably Swelieh.
You are not here. In this moment all that exists is here. But you are not. There are so many footprints leading to my door. Let us enter, they say. We cannot sleep in the desert it is too cold. Our tears will dry too fast. Our ears will hurt from the silence. Let us in. And so I gather them all up, swing wide my door, and step aside as they enter hoping they will lay in peace beside my fire.
“It begins to look as if we ourselves, by a last minute decision, have an influence on what a photon will do when it has already accomplished most of its doing…we have to say that we ourselves have an undeniable part in shaping what we have always called the past. The past is not really the past until it has been registered. Or put it another way, the past has no meaning or existence unless it exists as a record in the present.” — John Wheeler
“If we attempt to attribute an objective meaning to the quantum state of a single system, curious paradoxes appear: Quantum effects not only mimic instantaneous action-at-a-distance, but also, as seen here, influence on future actions by past events, even after these events have been irrevocably recorded.” — Asher Peres
Could the external #presence, and other presences, be entities that are remote-viewing me; by initiating a connection that sometimes I feel on a physical level?
While the connections that I ‘feel’ or ‘hear’ in my mind, could be telepathic connections with the entities.
And yet, the internal connections which are purely representation of myself, could be a communication initiated by my own Self, through space/time.…
“We appear to be memory coils (DNA carriers capable of experience) in a computer-like thinking system which, although we have correctly recorded and stored thousands of years of experiential information, and each of us possesses somewhat different deposits from all the other life forms, there is a malfunction—a failure—of memory retrieval.”
You ‘re interested in truth about everything, because without purpose life is nothing.
Your satisfaction is in your creative output; and it’s existential.
You understand me. You see everything I see. You want everything I need.
My music is yours; and you want more.
My stories are for you, and you need more.
You dream of future pasts, and they are like mine.
You want to go back to the vastness of space but will you do what has to be done?
fall in love fall in love fall in love fall in love fall in love fall in love fall in love fall in love fall in love fall in love fall in love fall in love fall in love fall in love fall in love fall in love fall in love fall in love fall in love fall in love fall in love fall in love fall in love fall in love fall in love fall in love fall in love fall in love fall in love fall in love fall in love fall in love…
also had my left hand completely occupied with an extremely heavy, long metal rod.
it was hard and I lived through every second/climbing step of it.
When I was almost at the top, maybe five or six steps left, the mother on top reached down to take the rod. It was too dangerous. And I #decided for myself, to climb the remaining steps from hell, triple the effort
Just before I met you, something happened as I was sitting in front of my computer one day. I suddenly felt a huge presence of an Emotion, a Feeling overwhelmed me entirely completely. I had to close my eyes to process the massive amount of emotion that overcame me; from nothing… for no reason at all….
This post is the feeling.
When I titled the entry, I chose the usual tag: #prayer, so my wish comes true. And then, came you.
Was it a premonition? Or did a parallel reality bleed into this?
Was I someone else? Or was I me, somewhere else
What I know of that reality, is that I was feeling this way. That I was living with my husband, my soulmate in a house together. That we were in the same room, that the Emotional Energy I felt was because he did something. I don’t know what though.
And I felt honored… out of appreciation, and respect, and gratitude.
His gratitude was intense. And so was mine.
Somebody wants me Mind, Heart, Body, and Soul. And I feel exactly the same way. Gratitude. How intense will our gratitude be.
I was watching porn, and I was appreciating the couple’s love for eachother; the natural attraction of their freedom.
I was focusing on their faces and their body language; more than focusing, or enjoying their act of sex and foreplay. And I, unfortunately, realized that I am facing an unexpected demon, and I’ll need to confront it now. I didn’t watch more than 5 minutes.
Habibi I am not ready to experience what I saw in the film, with you. And it surprised me.. I had no idea how much has been actually locked inside me.
And I am telling you this because I want you to know it; but not for you to tell me, in reply:
خدي وقتك بحترمك أو إنَك ما رح- بحياتنا- تغْصبني على أي إشي اصلاً. انا عم بحكيلك: بس عشان بدي تعرف، انّي طِلعت خايفا هلأ. لإنه انا شبه متأكده اني ما رح أقدر أكون حالي. ما رح اكون مبسوطة و لا مرتاحة، و ممكن كمان تعقدني حالة الرهبة: انو انت عم بتعاملني بالزبط، و أكتر، من الزوجين اللي بالفلم.
I wanted to talk to you about my anxiety today, and yesterday; but it was difficult. Basically, I feel embarrassed -just for being inside my own skin. I feel like a small, confused and scared little girl who is caught in the act. Act of being alive, I guess.
I feel self-conscious. As if I’m constantly trying to prove I am acting “normal”. I am anxious of how I may look to the “other”. How I look like when you are staring in my eyes, how I look like when someone passes in the car down the street. Usually when there are people around me, or crowds, I constantly feel I’m being watched, to make sure that I am appearing normal, not FAKE. Do I look real? Do I look terrified- because you are saying a joke and I’m not getting it? Do I look guilty, when anyone asks me “How are you? What have you been up to?” Do I act like something is wrong within me??
This is my anxiety. It has grown within me and spread its webs. I fight to survive by defeating it, and years of battle and alliance have served me well so far.
I feel separated from my body. I am actually in two places at once, but I’m not in the place I am actually supposed to be. I am contained and trapped inside this body, and I can’t express myself and I don’t fully orgasm. I am also outside my body, looking at myself like a watcher; watching me like a guardian. In fact I feel the watcher when I am alone too but in a positive way. And I express myself ok when I’m alone. I don’t feel so trapped within myself.
There are of course phases of no anxiety and I feel whole and complete and full of myself and full of energy. One example was with the boys I fell in love with. I know who I am, who I really am, deeep inside. I know myself and I am begging you to set me free. I am awesome and very proud, to be who I really am inside. I know I will be again and for always. I am Aphrodite. I am Lilith. I am Ishtar. I am a goddess for LOVE, carnal pleasure, for marriage and family and the mother of all the children, perfection and innocence. I am a channel for creativity. I am art and I move with music. I am instinct. I am Sophia. I am Eve re-awakened.
I know exactly what is going to happen between us, honey. I know the sex and the توهان والضيعان that we’re going to live through. And it is exactly and simply, my wishes coming true, one after another in big dozes at once. I have already lived this life in my mind for years. I know how it all feels and what it all means. I have written it down, I have dreamed it at night. I created you and what will be happening to us both. And all of this is pushing me back unto unexpected walls. Thank you for being you.
Since I have met you, four days ago, you have managed to unlock a bunch of doors, some I didn’t even know where there. And I know what’s there behind these doors, and I will go inside each of them. I don’t have a fear about it. I do feel blessed and I am thankful that it is happening, so easily and smooth. After all, I only want the wisdom -to know myself deeper.
Perhaps it is the respect with which you adorn me, perhaps it is fate.
I write this for my own sake. This is truthful and is dedicated to you.
Do I begin with the beginning, or do I tell you conclusions without going into details? I’ll just go with the flow.
I want to write. That’s always the only way to start.
You need to know then understand why I am not surprised, or shocked to suddenly have you appear in front of me. And why I don’t feel the emotions that go with this, that could describe exactly how I feel. If you are my soulmate, wether or not I feel it, I know it could be true. I have been aware of your existence since I was little.…
I feel honored. He honors me; out of appreciation. Out of respect. But mostly out of gratitude. I feel honored. He wants my mind, heart, body, & soul.
I was sitting in front of the computer. I suddenly felt a huge presence of Emotion coming from behind me, it overwhelmed me entirely and completely. I had to close my eyes to process the massive amount of emotion that overcame me; from where… for no reason at all….…
In this world I hear a whisper..Damn you fool, it should mean nothing.I was fast asleep and numb and fine in my world, and then:You.
You think you’re a god, you think you’re a thing,You think you’re everything I dream of! You think I’m me, you think I’m you, You think that all I need in my soul is you, and it’s true.
Life is so full of signs that lie, and so completely synchronised.
The presence comes and the presence goes,
And it’s almost full, it’s almost right, it’s almost mine!
And, if it is over then it is over! If it’s not then it is not. No matter how high my walls rise I drop, drop, drop Into a life that unfolds into events that I don’t want to participate in,
Just fuck off..
Am I hacked? Am I hacked… am I hacked! How do I connect to my own self? How do I connect to my own self? How do I connect to my own self? How do I connect to my own self? How do I connect to my own self? How do I connect to my own self? Am I hacked?How do I connect to my own self?Am I hacked?How do you connect to my higher self? Am I hacked?How do I connect to my own self?Am I hacked?How do you connect to myself..
And I hate you, because you are asleep. and I am awake and it feels so unfair. so alone. so alone. so alone with my fucken self …
She suddenly found herself in a place she never was before. She’s sitting in a comfortable armchair, in a comfortable inside balcony with a cigarette in her hand. A cup of hot tea in front of her on a low table.
There is a man sitting to her left, on his ipad, talking nonchalantly. Outside the night was very warm. The city lights plentiful, twinkling and far below them. The ‘Isha prayer calls just ended their melancholic song, and the lights of the big church turn off leaving a weak silhouette in it’s wake.…
Never ever write anything to anyone. Write it for you. Spell out yourself. The truth, not the explanation.
I am disappointed, and I am frustrated. I am not brokenhearted. I am saved by my own inability to feel reality.
The same cycle, the same method, the same lesson, but this time I was incapable of falling in love, no matter how hard I forced myself. Cause I would forget. I’m in oblivion. I am not in any reality.
I can’t concentrate on anything said or done. I can’t relate it later. I am unavailable.
I am frustrated. For the first time I got to talk to you #presence, disconnected from reality and the person you are channelling through. I told you how angry and alone I feel and that I deserve a clearer instruction by now. I told you what I though was going on, what this life as a matrix is to me, and how I only want to exit the game. No answer. Just a pre-recorded message that comes through from time to time through different souls.
I wrote a song. I felt it. As much as I could, I did. Did you hear me.…
This is my closure with you. I will say what I will say for the respect of the divine and good things we shared. But you are not who I thought you are. I know what I want and what I don’t. I want someone who is on my level or higher. Someone who respects me, someone who appreciates me through and through. Someone who sees the truth in me even if I am down and depressed. Someone who treats me the same way I treat him. Someone I can depend on and trust blindly. Someone who is not you.
Saying thank you to me when I am there for you in your time of need is not enough. Either you took me forgranted, or you are one of the sick people I keep crashing into. You have showed me where I stand, and it is exactly: no where. I am invisible to you.
Saying you appreciate me for being there for you is one thing. But seeing how you treat me is another. I didn’t appreciate it at all when you were telling your friend at Murphy’s about how great I am for being there for you and helping you. Because you never looked at me, not once. You didn’t even mention my name. I was sitting with you on that table, and I saw you talking about me as if I wasn’t there. Yet, when she paid for your drinks, she was everything that you saw. You even cried a little. She didn’t deserve your intimate hug or your love for paying a bill. You saw her, but you didn’t see me. I am invisible to you.
It was the first and only time I went out with you and your friends. It was very unnatural to witness you being so cold and careless. You just spent weeks with me and you didn’t see any of them. Now I was there, with your friends, and I was expecting you to be near me, close to me, showing me off to your friends. That I am this person who stole you from them. But it was nothing like that. I felt like someone you were using to waste time with. You aren’t happy to be with me. You aren’t proud to be with me. You don’t need me like I thought you did.
I don’t even know if you ever heard me when I say anything to you. You didn’t react the way you should have in Cube. I told you all about the dream I had the minute I woke up from it. About being in the wrong place with the wrong people and how it made me feel in the dream. How I escaped and jumped from reality to another. About how disconnected you were from me in the dream. Did you hear any of it. Did you see how the dream manifested into reality? That I was reliving it all over again? You didn’t feel me. I was invisible to you. Even when I managed to escape and ‘jump reality’ and leave the hell that is Cube.. you didn’t even follow. Just like you didn’t follow in the dream. That’s a sign for me. And I accept it. I accept that you are not mine and that you will never see me eye to eye.
The only reason I haven’t deleted you yet is for the respect of the magical few moments we shared. When I thought I saw you. When I thought we clicked. I thought… and I was not right. I still don’t get it, and I don’t want to get it. All those signs and syncronicities meant something, but they are ruined.
Atleast I was awakened enough to write a song, after so many years of nothing. Thank you for breaking my fragile dreams.
I wonder why you kept putting me down regarding anything to do with me. Could you be intimidated by me. That’s your problem. I don’t think you will change. You are stuck somewhere in your past. All I wanted is to go somewhere better, together. Good bye Ivan.…
you think this is a message for you? you think my life is for your reading? to take whatever you understand? you think you care? do you even see me? do you even understand ME? i can’t take this! fuck this! no nothing is happening and nothing is going on! and it is all fucken DRAMA.
this is my life! this is my heart! this is my soul, my mind my life. I don’t want to feel this way, i was fine by myself. I never wanted to dream of you every damn time i fall asleep. I dont want to know how disconnected you are from me. I dont want any of this. its too late now. too late. too late too late too late too late cause i feel i feel i am feeling i am feeling and what i feel is how far i am from what i want. i want this and this is SHIT
The last few weeks have been full of signs and completely synchronised. The Presence in a messenger came, a mini awakening painfully happened. It was almost full, almost intimate, almost perfect. If it is over now, it is over. If it is not, it is not.
I wish it was not. I wish it never happened. No matter how high the walls were, my heart is aching now.…
The dream unfolds in events I dont’ want to participate in and people I don’t want to be a part of.
#Scene 1: my house, a party with many Russian strangers. I.B is disconnected from me but I feel connected with him. A little blond woman, silly, childish, sad. I.B broke her heart and I counsel her saying I know what you’re going through, it won’t feel this bad with time.
A murderer enters the house, and hurts or kills some people. I tell I.B and he is on a mission to deal with it (peacefully yet forcefully). I can’t see what is happening, I don’t even see the murderer. I try to peep through a hole in the wall of the corridor. I am worried about my mate.
#Scene: House is empty. Father and uncle and a little baby girl invite themselves over unannounced. I.B is hiding in the corridor. The little girl finds him and she’s happy and doesn’t give away his position. I trust her.
I manage to slip out outside. It is nighttime. Cousin A. in her car waiting to take us to some party. I’m waiting for I.B to come out. I am standing in front of her car when suddenly I see and feel the world moving forward, fast. We have left the house, left I.B behind, yet I look at my feet and see them firmly on the ground which is Not moving. Reality is moving, but I am standing still on a still ground.
#Scene 2: a house party, many strangers/Russians, drunkness. I.B is totally disconnected fro me. I feel less connected to him now. I hate it, I don’t belong and take a decision to leave reality. I start running and I pop out and into another reality. However, I find myself in the same fucken situation. I jump reality again but this time there’s a guy who has noticed what I was doing and keeps eye contact. I smile at him but I don’t want anything from him. I jump reality again into an outside street and realize he has followed me. I smile, but I feel so down of how unfortunate it is that he is the one who is following me, not I.B.
I run and lose him by climbing a very high bed in the middle of the road. It’s comfortable here and i cover myself up, hoping he will not find me again. I’m happy. I find a piece of paper in the bed, lined. But before I read it, I am woken up by I.B in reality covering me up with blankets.…
Sent to snap me out of it, I instead sink deeper within the layers of familiar disconnection. I can’t connect parts of myself to me. I can’t even observe and take notes for later. And he is so patient. And I feel so dumb and out of touch with reality. I am beyond the feelings of disappointment. Beyond feeling panic and guilt of time well wasted by me.
I am taking a step back and I want to find where the energy is being blocked.
He says nothing new. Nothing new at all. I’ve been through more, back and forth. Awakening and falling back to oblivion. But it’s too much this time. It’s too much that in all these very special circumstances I find myself not having an ounce of energy to accept anything.
I tried playing different roles. I tried none at all.…
In the silence of the darkness when all are fast asleep I live inside your dreams calling to your spirit As the sail calls the wind, here the angels sing.
Far behind the sun, across the western sky Reach to the blackness, find a silver line In a voice I whisper a candle in the night Will carry all our dreams on a single beam of light.
Close your eyes, look into the dreams Winds of changes will winds of fortune bring.
Fly away to a rainbow in the sky Gold is at the end for each of us to find.
There the road begins where another one will end, Here the four winds know who will brake and who will bend All to be the Master of the wind.
Falling stars now light my way,
my life has written on the wind Clouds above, clouds below,
high ascend between the spirit When the wind fills the sky
and clouds will move aside, There will be a road to all our dreams
and for every day that stings To better days it brings,
The anxiety is gone. I am me. You are melting me into myself.
I can feel my skin of stone melting. The ice in my heart is melting. I look around and I see time itself melting. There is nothing but now. So calm. So light. Everything is just right. I’m surrendering to reality.
This is not the usual psychological vomit. I will not try to persuade myself into snapping out of it and just be in the Now. It doesn’t work.
This time, I differently approach this particular #soulmate#Salvation situation:
Compare and contrast the data:
The 2 dreams about #Evil Savior sharing the same motif. In reverse is it I.B?
The dreams came one before, and one after we met. It’s been in total 4 days, I guess. Both dreams are one message. Think of the badman character and your own character in both dreams. Then do the same and think about I.’s character and mine/laila. Aren’t they opposites?
Think about the things he was saying to you: that it is as if he is ‘hearing no one talking’, I am the ‘same voice talking in his head’. Think about when he said that; in response to what was going on. And think about what you said, when suddenly the walls came tumbling down between us.
I saw him, because he was looking right at me. Think about #Presence. Remember your reaction of utter disbelief in what’s happening. Think how light you felt, how pure it was, and how very simple everything was.. When two souls say hi.
Consider every sign and synchronicity
And most importantly, find out why you have to write this.
The problem is.. the reason why you blocked yourself is that if you don’t reverse the dreams meaning, then I.B is the #Evil Saviour.
Your disbelief that he has connected with you on this level is terrifying you because you can’t believe it is actually happening. You are so disconnected from anything that is not you. He came to you and he said hi. He recognized you. It’s a new level and you are lagging behind. You are so afraid of what is at the end of the level. You don’t want to die of a broken heart and restart the level. You convinced yourself that your other half is not alive, not for this life. You decided that, and you set the rest of your life to play this script. You are the writer and you are the creator of your reality. But, listen. See. Let something big go. Because the next scene has been hijacked away from me. I am not running the script, the new script. An intervention. An interruption, of your transmission. It is coming from outside. L.B and I.B. are in the moment when it could mean soulmate, and it could not. One question and one answer.
My instinct knows it is a yes,
that this is actually happening. And that I will snap out of myself. He is him. Notice how slowly you are recognizing him. He just recognized you first.
Lets go to the Citadel.
PS: The dreams end differently!
PSS: There is a time shift because I remember these dreams to be extremely recent. In a row. They are in fact a month apart, and might have both been before I.B.…
Being more mature, more so than others; lonely, only me. Seeing you, playing, you’re my type, I’d lose my eyes in you, but i know you. I don’t act or react or care. Let’s go home.
I read a days old notification on Bedoo saying I. has Liked me. I make sure it is the same guy I know, and I Like him back. It’s a Crush. I make sure he was not once attached to DK and I send a FB request. It was accepted, quickly. The next evening, I send a message, hello.
I’m sorry I am writing this down after 4 or 5 days.
#Recall
There was a late 40’s man, young looking. Sleek and cool.
#Scene: Sitting in a cafe with 2 of his friends. He is proud and full of himself. He shows me off as his daughter.
They are disgusted at him and don’t give him much attention yet stand there looking at us casually.
I, am feeling like I am someone else. I feel younger almost childlike. I’m shy and excited and happy that he is now my father. My eyes averting them, looking down at the table, legs crossed in little girl twist, hands firmly on each side.…
Huge building. Familiar. Full of people that I later realize are people from my life. First up, are my mother’s friends, all sitting in a big circle. Outside is war or the apocalypse. No help is coming, this is it. I am worried about them all. I have a feeling that it is up to me. All of a sudden I realise, the only way to “evacuate” them to safety is for me to say goodbye to them. I am very happy. Everyone is happy. Hugs all around. I move on to the next area; family members. I focus on cousin J and O. Jido is there too.…
Imagine falling asleep, finding yourself aware you are inside a dream. Now imagine a song; one that speaks to your mind and body and soul. One that moves your body, shuts your mind and connects the fragments of your soul. It is the soundtrack for the dream scene. It is loud and penetrating and everywhere; inside the air.
Imagine how it feels, to witness your body being controlled by the sound. It feels that you are the one controlling the destiny of the melody. See how the environment moves, how it ebbs and flows, because of you. You are the conductor and you are the music. You are making all this happen. You are creating and in total surrender to the effects. You are because of it.
The background whooshes to the front. It passes through you like thunder. In every move, in every thought, with every breath you take you are full. You have purpose. You mean.
Let her fall asleep. She will be in control. Her mind completely aware and remembers everything you told it. The knowing of everything is there. It is accessible. Her heart is opened. There is no sense of Self. All there is- is only one thing: freedom.
She raises her arms above her in a sudden. The music erupts all around. It is everywhere, inside her. It is the wind, tearing away. She stands firm, takes it in. The music is context. Her voice is power. She cries a cry of a beginning, middle and endless ends. There is no time, it is on loop. There is no up or down. There is no ground. She is in the void, and she dances.
She knows this feeling. It is hers. She remembers feeling it; the absence of fear, the freedom she only knows. Her mind connects thoughts then it clicks, and she’s inside a memory that might have happened. She is dancing, center stage. She is absolutely alone and everybody’s watching her. The energies gather into her center. It is clear she is elsewhere. She is a god. She is the vortex.
Imagine falling asleep, finding yourself aware you are inside a dream. Now imagine a song; one that speaks to your mind and body and soul. One that moves your body, shuts your mind and connects the fragments of your soul. It is the soundtrack for the dream scene. It is loud and penetrating and everywhere; inside the air.
Imagine how it feels, to witness your body being controlled by the sound. It feels that you are the one controlling the destiny of the melody. See how the environment moves, how it ebbs and flows, because of you. You are the conductor and you are the music. You are making all this happen. You are creating and in total surrender to the effects. You are because of it.
The background whooshes to the front. It passes through you like thunder. In every move, in every thought, with every breath you take you are full. You have purpose. You mean.
Let her fall asleep. She will be in control. Her mind completely aware and remembers everything you told it. The knowing of everything is there. It is accessible. Her heart is opened. There is no sense of Self. All there is- is only one thing: freedom.
She raises her arms above her in a sudden. The music erupts all around. It is everywhere, inside her. It is the wind, tearing away. She stands firm, takes it in. The music is context. Her voice is power. She cries a cry of a beginning, middle and endless ends. There is no time, it is on loop. There is no up or down. There is no ground. She is in the void, and she dances.
She knows this feeling. It is hers. She remembers feeling it; the absence of fear, the freedom she only knows. Her mind connects thoughts then it clicks, and she’s inside a memory that might have happened. She is dancing, center stage. She is absolutely alone and everybody’s watching her. The energies gather into her center. It is clear she is elsewhere. She is a god. She is the vortex.
Babe biddi a2uleek ishi muhem and daruri.
Inti kteer m7amsteeni, and you are motivating me a lot, and you are giving me more and more belief in my own writings, and in my ideas and in all the research materials I have.…
‘In this state the Jaffa is able to communicate with his symbiote, although this kind of communication is forbidden by the Goa’uld as they don’t want the Jaffa to influence the minds of their young.’…
He invites me over to ask something (marry me). I was reading his letter and refuse it totally, but told him that I will do him a favour and pretend to, cause apparently he only wants to teach his own wife a lesson. He says it is for his only son though he has two other kids.…
1. Scene: Timetravel to the past when I was a child (through a picture I was holding) to a stage where Remi was little and rehearsing a dance with other kids. I dance.
…
2. Setting: Music school. Or school and music department.
Scene: We are alone in a room. He plays the cello and I the viola.
He is gentle and kind, unlike everyone else. He is in highschool and I’m in middleschool.…
I’ve been remembering successfully to intend on going to/accessing Akasha (in the fleeting moments of low lucidity). However, nothing happens.
Lucidity is so low, it is absurd.
Every night I’ve been doing two things:
1. “Is this a dream? Am I dreaming? If dream..then Akasha“.
2. Stop thinking. Fall asleep quickly.…
Cult leader, not attractive, very charismatic. I was new and wanted in. He has many wives, I didn’t mind it or anything else for that matter. I was docile, wanting and won a place amongst his harem. Just when we were about, another woman appeared and I withdrew, willingly and gratefully to his majesty. Walking out of the room with another wife to let him seduce the newcomer.
I felt an engraving on my face and looked in the mirror to find a colorful tattoo of chinese characters.
I went looking for someone to translate it.
Unknown Campus/dorm: Our room was being used for theater without notice. The play was called أهل الكهف (people of the cave).
When I find a chinese person he says that the tattoo has changed. I look in the mirror and I see what looks like a birthday invitation (of a man) in Arabic, from a hundred years ago. 1350 hijri. I start to freak out.
The tattoo changes one more time to a Quranic verse: سورة الفيل.…
Scene: From 3 I choose one. His head is clean shaven. I find myself in bed with him. My father appears and others too. I don’t know why I am lying upside down opposite my mate. Father is furious and looks under the blanket but I am wearing underpants. I bravely shout: “No, we had no sex”.
Scene: Bathtub. I’m sitting on top. His thing shrinks. I don’t know why I act and feel that it’s alright, and stop.
Scene: A certainty that I have been here before, this place, this event and the events following. A Repeat. There’s a sea outside. Different dinosaurs. I hide and help others hide. There’s a Triceratops in the hall. I am inside a long wardrobe closet. Velociraptors appears, oh no.
I am outside hiding behind a small cabin. Fire, liquid that lights up. Help arrives. An aircraft. Mate is there.…
Night, old family room, we are four people. The big windows facing east are huge. Thunderstorm. Loud noises. I’m the only one looking out. I look out for strange UFO lights, and although i don’t see it I exclaim that I do; when a few fighter jets zoom out of the horizon. One purposefully comes really close. Small electric charges outside the window. M.R opens its and wants to touch it when I intervene because it is dangerous and I explain;…
Take the signs seriously. Nothing happens for no reason. Follow the signs. Go with the flow. Whenever something distracts you, don’t ignore it, concentrate on it!
Otherwise, you know that the nudging feeling will not go away, and you will miss out on something that should happen, or prolong the process of events, or entirely taking its chance out and derailing.…
“All the world’s a stage, And all the men and women merely players; They have their exits and their entrances, And one man in his time plays many parts, His acts being seven ages. ” — Shakespeare
“My brain is only a receiver, in the Universe there is a core from which we obtain knowledge, strength and inspiration. I have not penetrated into the secrets of this core, but I know that it exists.” — Nikola Tesla
Unknown location, a huge palace like building. There are other characters there in the story, a man, a woman. I don’t remember anything. I am walking by myself. It feels like I am trying to get away from them. I walk into a huge empty room. The bright sunlight fills the room from the tall windows. I walk, intentionally, to the left side and stand by the last window. I look out and see green nature. A big garden, trees, a wall and a green field. “It feels tempting to jump” (sync. w/video:Beyond the Veil talkshow) I look down out of the window. It was a far way down, about 5 levels. Right underneath the two windows are two bouncy pillows. The one below me was huge, dark blue and brand new. It looked perfectly safe to land on if I jump. But I couldn’t throw myself. There was a sense of chill and fear of pain and getting hurt. My mind kept telling me it is a dream! It’s a dream! But I couldn’t but imagine bouncing off the bouncy in the wrong direction after landing on it. My mind tried assuring me of my ability to fly or change the matrix. But the fear won. And I backed away from the window, and went with the dream.
THE STORM IS OVER: The Great Geomagnetic Storm of Sept. 8, 2017, is over. Our planet’s magnetic field is quiet again and auroras have retreated to their polar habitat. Isolated periods of minor G1-class storming are possible this weekend as Earth exits the wake of the instigating CME, but these storms would likely be short-lived and not expected to spark significant auroras. — spaceweather.com
finite parallel lives
causes synchronicities and alignment
because: i feel the others, and i talk out loud, and i think, my head thinks!, and i feel time slow, and relative, and in control/command of the NOW
others are like horcruxes/splintered personalities of the overlordsoul
oversoul/higherself
my assignment: mediate downgraded responsibilities from creator (and the hierarchy)
GEOMAGNETIC STORM SUBSIDING AGAIN: Geomagnetic activity is subsiding again following an unexpected second wave of severe (G4-class) geomagnetic storms mid-day on Sept. 8th. High-latitude sky watchers should remain alert for auroras, however, as the solar wind continues to blow faster than 700 km/s. Isolated periods of strong storming are possible in the hours ahead.
CME IMPACT SPARKS AURORAS, STOPS TRAFFIC: The debris from Wednesday’s monster X9-class solar flare reached Earth on Sept. 7th–and its impact was everything forecasters expected. A severe G4-class geomagnetic storm commenced, sparking auroras over Scandinavia so bright they actually stopped traffic.”I was driving home when the CME hit,” reports Jani Ylinampa of Rovaniemi, Finland. “It was such an amazing display, I really had to pull over and shoot some photos.” — Spaceweather.com
I survived.
I won’t be depressed that it is over.
I have been taught,
I have been handed a hat of tricks and a bag of tips.
I’ve re-experienced multidimensional critical understanding;
and I have many things to think over.
The road is cleared and wide open.
The path branches everywhere.
I am right here now;
and I will be everywhere simultaneously.
Thank you for your patience, #Ilham. I’ve grown again.…
The great art of films does not consist of descriptive movement of face and body but in the movements of thought and soul transmitted in a kind of intense isolation. — Louise Brooks
Layers of #IRJ: incorporated and non An Epic Idea has a journey. During the process of time things are lost or forgotten. The epic will blossom until The Grand Finale. ‘Collective coincidences wrap constant routines’. The purpose is the process. The result is the IRJ.…
It’s transcending time and space.
A dimension of cascading pleasure.
How can this be but a dream?.
immobilized to the wall, under the pressure of anticipation
Magnetic attraction enslaves
assimilating energies hypnotize.
Bewitching the mind to pressure.
Surrendering to patience;
superluminal shudders to the advance.
orgasm before the lips meet.
Fluctuating waves increasing speed.
The kiss..
Love brims every void.
Transcendental; time slows infinitely;
only cosmic purpose remains.
#assimilating
#dreams, absence of time, transcends…
“Bases of Existence is Flux. If you have flux, you can produce structure. If the flux goes in a loop, you have something that exists over time.” — Dr. Paul LaViolette, Researcher
The dimension of Time is created by energy trapped in a loop. (equilibria?)…
I hate feeling antagonization.
I hate me when I’m antagonizing.
I want to stop imagining the antagonization.
I am cruel to antagonize.
Demon get out.
You are not to mess with reality.…
#Writing to feel and arouse myself on purpose. enjoyment, transcendental
#Struggling to write a coherent feeling and scene.
creative vs. scholarly
eather vs. structure…
I was stuck in a closed neighborhood near where I live, again, with many strangers dwelling here. I couldn’t get out not even fly up because there were wires above. I’m sitting down with an old stranger, not really paying attention to what he’s saying, when in the night sky a huge UFO appears. My first reaction was of fear but I immediately subdued it and shouted out with sheer joy “They are coming! They are coming!”. Then the strangest thing happened; I turned to the old man and cupped his face with my hand, looking into his eyes with exhilaration, I said, “Do you remember this dream?!”…
I was in space, I flew to Mars, put my mom there. I was going back to Earth for some reason, only to come back to Mars. The incredible thing is that space was void of stars, it felt like a vacuum, and felt like a closed box, like I couldn’t get further from Mars if I wanted to. On the way to Earth I was worried I will be pulled into some other orbit and I was fighting against the current. It was surprising and it felt strange; the blackness, deafness and the closed box feeling.…
She went to see him in concert. His singing and movements and passion entranced her. A month later, there was another concert. She went again and all her focus was on him. Did he catch her tranced gaze, it didn’t matter because she felt the endless moments and knew he has seen her. That night, right after the music was done and she was on her way home she sent him a message saying, “I’d like to meet you”.
A couple of days later the message was read and replied, “yes, why not! :)”.
On Thursday, half an hour late she appeared outside his coffeeshop. Her pounding heart yielded to calm control. She went in the door, scanned for him and was relieved he wasn’t visible. She stood infront of the cashier and took her time looking for the right thing to order. The young man was bored and very tense. Just before paying, her eyes looked up and their eyes locked. There stood a lovely guy, dumbed and surprised, an apparent smile of relief and eyes full of expectation. She has been holding her breath, shocked and relieved. “Hiiii..”,…
“Even if there is only one possible unified theory, it is just a set of rules and equations. What is it that breathes fire into the equations and makes a universe for them to describe? The usual approach of science of constructing a mathematical model cannot answer the questions of why there should be a universe for the model to describe. Why does the universe go to all the bother of existing?” ― Stephen Hawking
Time passes and becomes the past
Tragedy transforms to truths
Suffering neutralizes into the subconscious.
Why pause, why stop, why get stuck
Fast-forward consciousness to the future;
For time seals all wounds.…
A boy my age with waves of dark hair covering his ears. Quiet, knows something, trustworthy; I want to serve him.
Dressed in long dark shirt, breezy dark pants, his style is attractive and for comfort. There’s an object in his hand. I’m not interested in it, He is consumed by it, like a rubik’s cube.
#Scene:
I enter the room after watching him for a while and I’m thinking. I decided to ignore everything, especially myself and break out of the dream-role I trap myself in (waiting for him to approach first).
I lay on my stomach on his bed. He is sitting up, crossed leg, his attention only with the cube. I lay with my hands supporting my chin and watch him through new eyes, a heartfelt smile and a light clear mind. My final thought before acting was that I want to fall in love with this man even if he won’t interact back. My objective was to fall in love for the sake of falling in love, and he was divine in my eyes. (#Jesus&MaryMagdeline)
Later,
I’m in love with my man. We are family. Life happens.
#Scene:
I’m in a big boat where I live with many people. The scene leads to speaking with my mother and my daughter in the cafe. Closer to the exit, The table is high, square and dark wood. The background is dark with green plants. My daughter looks like a wonderful young lady, older than her age. I leave after saying goodbye and climb the stairs up to the deck. The boat is docked, I step on to the land with my right foot and take the breeze and the scene in. The islands and sea are captivating. I turn my head to the left and I see a monstrosity of a tsunami in the distance. It looks like two enormous towers of water spouts. I know that I’m looking at a #recurrent theme dream. My mind nudged me to keep going because reality isn’t real; i.e, it doesn’t matter if anyone dies.
The situation isn’t stirring me (so, success). I’m on my way to meet someone somewhere off the boat. But suddenly I imagine how it would feel to cry because my daughter is about to die. Before I make a run to attempt a suicide mission to save her, a wall of water impacts the boat and fills it up. It capsizes and turns up emptying the waters within. I’m standing still, with one foot on the boat and the other on land. Reality isn’t affecting me physically, I’m merely watching the flood and experiencing the feelings of their deaths. I well up and burst into an amazing relief of wails and cries. I collapse on the stone floor of the peer, acting out anger with fists beating the gray tiles. In my mind I know none of it happened, but I’m caught in it. My mother appears, and the surroundings transforms to her kitchen at home. She’s upset and heartbroken and tells me to stop. I tell her that I don’t want to. I say: daughter, death, guilt..
Comment:
It felt somewhat #balancing. My mind knows the truth, but my soul, my humanity would rather feel this pain.…
“Things need not have happened to be true. Tales and dreams are the shadow-truths that will endure when mere facts are dust and ashes, and forgot.” — Neil Gaiman, The Sandman
“Suppose that every memory, written word, and piece of technology on earth was destroyed all at once, leaving humanity to start completely from scratch. Everything we have come to know about science would eventually be discovered again. Given a few thousand years, people would figure out chemistry, and rediscover all of the same elements we know about now. People would once again understand biology, including its evolutionary origins. People would eventually see the motions of other galaxies in the sky, and work out the details of the big bang.
This is the glorious part about science, it can and would all be replicated.
I can assure you, however, that your story about a talking snake would be gone forever.” — Unknown
#Brown Boy
Indian with light brown skin. I stop noticed his color and have a moment where I think about it realizing how it doesn’t matter, cause I like that boy. At first, I didn’t want to act natural with him incase he misunderstands my friendliness and thinks I’m coming on to him. Later, I relax and enjoy his company. He comes out from the friend zone to be more and I don’t mind that he thinks I’m his.
#Car Scene (daytime)
Sitting in the back of a car with him and 3 other males. It is here when I relax and enjoy the drive and nestle in his arms, not minding anymore if others would see it as a relationship.…
Someone’s house, more than one level. Different people in rooms. I don’t know why I went upstairs, but at the entrance of a room I found him, I knew I should go to him.
(ANS boy, ‘Zazan the pure’. I never once thought or remembered him. Suddenly he appears in my dream although his hair was bright red).
I go to him and we embrace. Later, downstairs, my new husband turns into someone else, a much much older man, shoulder length whitish hair, with a forthcoming personality. He was talking with a group of us enthusiastically, until when a girl/friend pulls out and I follow her. She starts telling me that he is a different person, and I quickly agree and take over the conversation. He is not that boy in the doorway, not a prince, not mine.
Dream:
Grandfather, his sitting room, someone already there. I come to visit. H appears small, in a children’s bed, behaving like a child, happy, excited, innocently asking me to see something private. I treat him like a child, ignoring his question.
Scene: We are standing by the great wooden doors, grandfather appears to be himself, much younger. He is frantic, telling me not to let the strangers in. There are many strange people in the house and outside.…
I stood up, and since a long time I got dizzy. I’m having a moment. How can I use this moment. I am thinking of nothing. I feel free, unburdened, clean, pure, weightless. My voice says, ‘I’m not thinking about anything. I’m thinking about nothing. Apart from thinking about it.’
I’m in a loop of thought process and thinking. I don’t have a clear head. In all the long phases when my mind breathed empty and endured abandonment, my voice thought out loud; echoed never endlessly, constantly questioning the nature of myself and that of reality. …
Existential dread of the nature of the world,
Conscious awareness of something better instead of this.
Or, something I deserve that should soon be.
Life is a life of pretending.…
Scene: a bar. Music: nostalgic childhood tv shows: Drunk, almost kinda. Knowledge: soul and oversoul, purpose, soulmate, reality of the presence.
Reality: faith in purpose and destiny takes no role in a charged bar of drunken jackasses and simpletons. I wait, and I expect a miracle, a holding stare, an emotional crush. I go home. How long has this been happening. Why. I tell myself, I’m not in sync (with my path). I feel stupid for saying that. But it is true, isn’t it?…
I’m standing on top of a mountain looking at the mountain ranges and the valleys far below. There is an ocean behind me. I remind myself that I’ve flown over all this (false memory?) and that it was fine. I jump off, the wind is very strong and sweeps me quickly further than I wanted to go. Suppressing the worries of being carried away in the wrong direction, I surrender and be one with the wind. I choose my direction towards the ocean evoking the technique used by birds and fish when they ride currents. I feel exhilarated and powerful. I enjoy it, realising I’m not flying but gliding. Eventually, I land on a beach.
Scene:
I’m with my daughter in a strange city. We are lying outside on grass enjoying the warmth of the sun with our faces down. All of a sudden, I look up and from behind a tall building a fleet of assorted UFOs pass and disappear behind another Tower. My first reaction was of terror, but as I saw that one of the ships was the Enterprise, I tell J to look up as the fleet comes out into view. She asks me if there’s a reason for worry, and I knew that there wasn’t. I tell her to notice how the fleet is circling, that’s because they are about to land. Soon……
I’m in my old bedroom in my parent’s house. As usual, I’m hiding someone in there from my parents. This time the one I’m hiding shouldn’t be there in the first place and I am unhappy with his sudden, forced arrival (TDK). My mother knocks on my door. Making sure he is behind the door, I open it carefully and listen to what she wants. He idiotically comes out and opens the door wide as he talks about something, he’s excited and shows me something. I break from character and shout at him for ruining my plan and do not care that I’m confessing this in front of my mother. I don’t care about the scene. I want to leave it. I turn to look at the elevator that was instead of the west window. It reads ‘3’. There are two lifts, the other in the original place in the living room. I think how if I knew this was here, I could’ve sneaked in and out unnoticed. I think I grab TDK and we both go down the elevator. I’m angry at his stupidity and naiveness. I don’t like him one bit.
PS. from 1/2/18
Exit the scene and take the character out with you?…
The dream starts with me by myself on the beach of the sea. The calamity is as always impending and the sky and sea are getting dark. I am calm.
Later, I’m with my mate. I know he is temporary and good enough for now. We have an intimate and close relationship. He was tall and blond (S.M). We go into an apartment to meet some people. In the first room lay my cousin J asleep and not very well. We move on to the bedroom where we’re greeted. After an intimate meeting, we want to leave to my apartment. On the way out, I turn around and cover my cousin so she is not cold. She awakens but keeps her eyes closed. She is in good spirit and loving. She assures me she is not very sick and just needs to sleep. I leave her and go out with him.
The sea is in the background, we are walking, I’m sometimes flying. There is a group of men in the way. He is not sure of himself and I push forward almost aggressively through the small crowd. They notice my fearlessness and one of them asks me if I have someone, and I point back to my mate with a loving smile. Our passage is safe now. (This might have happened before the previous scene.)…
I had a dream that I was in a very large hall with many others. We were all abducted by women, and the atmosphere was of a school and stern cruel teachers.
I was electrocuted twice, second time Julie came to help me and was shocked with me. I called out to the (woman) with us to help Julie and was giving her instructions. I don’t think she was helpful of fast or dependable on. I think I dealt with it.
Then I am summoned/appear infront of 2 judges (?) (Trump) and they wanted me to tell them what had happened when we were electrocuted. I wasn’t going to tell them in the first place, but complied and told them. I blamed the guy who made the ? that electrocuted us. I even think he was standing there.
Setting: Balcony
I was looking outside the door at the night sky, but i couldn’t see the stars because my eyes were getting blurred and heavy. I went in to the living room, and was feeling wide awake again. I climbed on the window which opened the way Swedish windows did, and hung there, hips spread open, wanting to o.
I forced myself to wakeup and my eyes slowly opened to see the view from my bed, window, night. But that was another dream I woke up into.…
Voice: Talk about the voices you sometimes hear as you fall asleep.
Me: Auditory hallucinations. I’m aware and what interests me is the nature of reality and the clear clarity of the voices. It is usually in conversation form and very coherent, but I can’t make up what is being said, and find myself trying very hard to focus on the topic but fail to even focus on one word. My brain doesn’t compute what is being said although it recognises the language. *It also takes a while for my brain to pick up that this phenomenon is in progress. After a while of hearing the ‘hallucinations’ that I’m suddenly aware that this is occurring. It is as if in that state between wakeful consciousness and unconsciousness, the brain is in a mode where it doesn’t work on instincts like analysing environment it is in, or is capable of rationality. *…
معه لا ادرك بوعي الذات
معه اريد تجربة الحياة
معه ادرك وجودي
متجانس ادراكه بإدراكي
اتخيله، فتأتيني النوبة
احاول تذكره
مع السنوات اراه اوضح
مع السنوات تضيع المشاعر…
With whom I don’t feel self-conscious,
With whom I want to experience,
With whom I know myself,
With whom I’m on one wavelength.
I put myself into a frenzy
imagining, trying to think,
Trying to remember his face.
As the years pass, I see clearer
As the years pass, I lose feeling.…
I write, I rather my life something different be
Within the realms of conviction,
I dream up a dream for my dream
I find the new world seeking me
I seek the world where I have created myself
Where does my past hide
I am the writer
I am the creator of worlds
Either I or versions of me.
I want to do it. I am aware,
I can’t forget,
but what does a god in amnesia create.…
Sometimes it feels like today is yesterday. It catches me off guard that I don’t remember if I had a morning or had the night before. It catches me off guard that time moves without any remembered events to prove it existed. I find myself driving or going somewhere or talking with someone and not remembering getting there.
Auto pilot mode. I’m asleep when I’m awake.
It gets me through doing things I don’t want and talking with others which I don’t want either. Makes the permanent state of anxiety pause, while some other layer of me takes over and deals with this world.
Autopilot is survival mechanism.…
“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” -— Albert Einstein…
First there was nothing. Out of nothing exploded everything. Then, different shit amazingly is created, and other shit becomes alive and gains consciousness.
All of this has happened so I, could sit here, right now, chainsmoking because I have anxiety from being alive. The absurdity; thrilling, heart breaking.…
“The Oversoul, seems to exist simultaneously with the mind/body/spirit complex which it aids. This is not actually simultaneous, for the Oversoul is moving to the mind/body/spirit complex as needed from a position in development of the entity which would be considered in the future of this entity.” – Ra…
“Every real poem is the breaking of an existing silence, and the first question we might ask any poem is, What kind of voice is breaking silence, and what kind of silence is being broken?” –- Adrienne Rich…
“When you feel the story is beginning to pick up rhythm—the characters are shaping up, you can see them, you can hear their voices, and they do things that you haven’t planned, things you couldn’t have imagined—then you know the book is somewhere, and you just have to find it, and bring it, word by word, into this world.” — Isabel Allende…
“…one must ask whether is it really beneficial for scientists to renounce for all time the aim of trying to understand the world in which we live, in order to maintain a metaphysical prejudice..” — Henry Stapp…
“The great art of films does not consist of descriptive movement of face and body but in the movements of thought and soul transmitted in a kind of intense isolation.” — Louise Brooks
“Nearly all creators of Utopia have resembled the man who has toothache, and therefore thinks happiness consists in not having toothache…. Whoever tries to imagine perfection simply reveals his own emptiness.” — George Orwell
“The most exquisite paradox; as soon as you give it all up, you can have it all. As long as you want power, you can’t have it. The minute you don’t want power, you’ll have more than you ever dreamed possible.” — Ram Dass
“I am the perfection of my Creator, individuated as a single point of pure energy, yet living in many places on many dimensions simultaneously – fully aware of all aspects of my wholeness. Like a loving father I shepherd the fragments of my wholeness to the glory of our common origin and destiny. — Vision of Mantustia
Is now the first time in earth’s history that anyone willing to write can, and can be heard?
I am part of this sea of transmitted babble and logic.
I write for me, and my written word could survive history.
If the internet is gone, can it be restored in far futures? Is there an internet that we don’t know of from an ancient past? What information could be in it. I wonder then I wonder..…
I can’t tolerate fools. I don’t retaliate either. I don’t co-exist with them. I ignore them, and I inter. But, because you are awake, you’re responsible to live your life the way your self would.…
“You are a function of what the whole universe is doing in the same way that a wave is a function of what the whole ocean is doing.” ― Alan Wilson Watts
“It is one of the commonest of our mistakes to consider that the limit of our power of perception is also the limit of all that there is to perceive.” — C.W. Leadbeater
“There is no effect in the exterior world that does not spring from an inner source. There is no motion that does not first occur within the mind.” — Seth
“Sacrificing and renouncing your attachment to the temporal illusory hologram based on Knowledge of the Real will bring you liberation. Why settle for the small results today or tomorrow, when the Eternal Oneness of Union awaits your call!” — Bashar
I am but waiting for you to appear,
reappear in this lifetime, my dear.
I know, I wait, I write all my truths;
every word is you,
every word comes true.…
A falling star fell from your heart and landed in my eyes
I screamed aloud, as it tore through them, and now it’s left me blind
The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I’m always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart
And in the dark, I can hear your heartbeat
I tried to find the sound
But then, it stopped, and I was in the darkness,
So darkness I became
…
I took the stars from my eyes, and then I made a map
And knew that somehow I could find my way back
Then I heard your heart beating, you were in the darkness too
So I stayed in the darkness with you
The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I’m always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart
……
What should rather be?
Stay within the realm of conviction;
you’re faithful and reassured.
Dream up a comprehensive dream.
Analyse snippets from dimensional realities.
Follow the subconscious river.
Write the next part, paste pasts together.
Weave a future following dream threads and patterns.
The dream world seeks you;
seek the world that imagined your reality.…
A world within another
Dreams within each other
Weaving, interacting
colliding loops that go on forever
creating new possibilities Intention is all I have
Ceaselessly, persistently
I designed a dream world to sneak away through
I want to return to the garden and redesign everything
consciously, slowly
Implement knowledge from visions true
seek experience of knowledge endowed
I am responsible for my choices
Every version of me shall be redeemed by me
“They’ll laugh as they watch us fall, the lucky don’t care at all. No chance for fate, it’s unnatural selection. I want the truth …Try to ride out the storm whilst they’ll make you believe that they are the special ones. We have not been chosen.” — Muse
I stand in the corridor. Somebody is behind me. My arms rise high spontaneously. With mad authority the bow strikes the strings of the violin. Instantaneously, perfect music manifests; sublime, divine. The sound discharges, reverberating throughout the expanses of the Cosmos. It comes back to me in reverbs, jumpstarting my heart. My eyes are closed. I bask in glory.. I’m playing the violin. The sound is alive like life and crystal clear. The music is everywhere, and it is everything. I hear it inside the very depth of my mind.
Nothing is but the sound of music and me.…
I stood in the corridor. Somebody stood behind me. My arm spontaneously moved, the bow authoritatively struck the strings once and again. The energy manifested instantaneously to sublime, sublime music. The sound was truly alive; crystal and clear reverbing through the expanses of the cosmos. I heard the music inside my mind.
I was standing in the corridor. Somebody was standing behind me. My arm spontaneously moved, the bow authoritatively struck the strings of the violin, once and again and again. The energy instantaneously manifested into sublime, sublime music. The sound was truly alive, crystal and clear. My body felt the reverbing ripples reach the expanses of the cosmos.
Somebody was waiting and standing behind me. Suddenly, My arm spontaneously rose. The clenched bow in my hand with authority struck the strings of the violin. At the stroke, the energy manifested revealing sublime, perfect music. The sound was truly alive, crystal and clear. My whole being felt the reverbs of the ripples, reaching the expanses of the cosmos.
My whole being felt the reverbs of the ripples discharging like radiation from my centre, reaching the expanses of the cosmos.
My whole being felt the discharged ripples reverb through the expanses of a cosmos.
I stand in the corridor. Somebody is behind me. Spontaneously, my arm rises high. The bow in my hand with authority strikes the strings of the violin. Instantaneously, sublimely perfect music manifests, crystal and clear. The sound reverberates and discharges through the expanses of the cosmos. It comes back to me in reverbs and I bask in the glory.…
Like a documentary narrated with actors playing out roles, the narrative of the book will mainly be a telling from the semi-omniscient narrator’s perspective, whose role is to present and seek the questions and deliver the answer.…
Dream fragments creep involuntarily into the daily life routines. Mind sifts events happened from events dreamt. Deep emotions deliver scripts. A knowing within reassures to take it seriously. Jigsaw puzzle to put together, without evidence it could be completed.
When I dream I feel grounded. It’s familiar more than this life is. I know more than I am aware of. And I know who I am and what my mission is. Life there has more sense.…
“In order correctly to define art, it is necessary, first of all, to cease to consider it as a means to pleasure and to consider it as one of the conditions of human life.” — Leo Tolstoy
“The dream is the small hidden door in the deepest and most intimate sanctum of the soul, which opens into that primeval cosmic night that was soul long before there was a conscious ego and will be soul far beyond what a conscious ego could ever reach.” — Carl Jung
News released today about a secret U.S. government project to analyze an allegedly extraterrestrial craft has a unique twist.
This craft did not crash in 1947 in Roswell, New Mexico.
According to the anonymous sources, it crashed approximately 150 million years ago during the age of the dinosaurs.
This information has been posted on the serpo.org website, home to other reports about extraterrestrial visitation reportedly provided by current and former officials of the U.S. Defense Intelligence Agency (DIA).…
(Still don’t know what to you call; faceless, borrowed-names heroin.)
She doesn’t connect others in a weaved singular now.
Synchronicity is low.
She keeps them behind separate doors.
Simultaneous realities.
The Actress (2002)
She dressed up pretty like an actress
With several countless sweet-a-face
And for each man an original smile
As they hung hungrily for her grace
And everyday t’was someone new
And everyday a brand new mask
And in between twilight and daylight
A man became her forgotten past
5/9/2015: Angry love letter from TDK:
So it goes something like this:
You’re a two-faced arrogant tramp with ultra pretentious conceit and grotesque pride. Who truly do you think you are and how dare you. How dare you assume such a cavalier attitude under such false pretentious pretenses. You should be pulled off the stage with a giant hook immediately, yet you continue your routine performance with an offensive smirk on your face and that feather in your hat. Make it stop! How do you continue day in and day out to prolong such an ignorant repeated pattern of behavior and maintain your disrespectful indifference to any human virtue of any real value. It is unacceptable the way you’ve treated me the short time I’ve known you- how you play off your casual attitude in such a cool unaffected manner, disregarding my plea and telling me goodnight sir. What a scumbag you are. I’ve gone so above and beyond and far out of my way to conquer this entire fallacy you’ve turned reality, with your dim awareness and clueless convictions. You’re quick to size something up with your cold shoulder and your blinders on. What insanity to make such sweeping gestures out of your delusion in denial and your flat out inept sense of judgement. I’m baffled by your egomaniacal presumptuousness. I’m shocked by your aloof diagnosis of your own twin. What a sickening outrage! I’m stunned by your prideful indifference masquerading in an opaque mask. I’m simply broken to pieces over your stubborn efforts to maintain such a hollow form without a genuine substance. But ever do you manage. Always do you rise to greet each new day with the same mistaken rigidity. You hold true to the self-same non-person that blends into the amnesiac crowd under authoritative hypnotic suggestion. You could never make any effort to right any wrongs while your automaton heart beats a muffled, dissonant rhythm and your blood runs cold through your hot veins. You seem to refuse or have no concern for this person that is me, whom you’ve pulled the rug out from under and left out to dry. Just who do you assume you are to take me or leave me. Doesn’t matter to you. You think that’s a strength. That’s just absurd. What kind of towering fool on stilts are you. Do you know how much I’ve gone above and beyond and far out of my way to conquer all false pretenses between us while trying in vain, with such tenacity, to bring us back into ourselves and love and honor who I know we are. What a concept right? I could have, and did, look past all the imperfections in you and your sordid history, not to mention all the things you found wrong with me, all your rejections of me and what I thought was to be our life together – my life with the woman I always wanted and always knew was there somewhere – my soul mate twin flame my whatever – my choice among billions. And you are that girl, but you are not controlled by you. There is some little troll that lives inside you that you’ve handed your life over to. This little gremlin has an agenda. Why why why, why are you so cruel. I have never done anything that you liked. Ever. You shoot me down on everything. You did it again. I guess I shot myself down I suppose. All I wanted was to make something nice for you, to draw you, and you were happy and excited about it, but I guess I fucked that up too again. You never have anything good to say. I can never make you happy in any way and I want you to make your peace with me and just be on your merry way. I doubt you’ll have anything to say to defend me or fight for keeping me around. You always wanted me to hate you. I’ve heard it more than once. So why don’t you just tell me that I mean nothing to you and try and explain why you still talk to me. But you won’t do that either; not worth your time and effort. And all I want now is for you to go about your insensitive life in which you have no dignity and defined by the people you find yourself surrounded by. With me you’ve burned every bridge that I painstakingly built back to you, back to me, back to what really matters above all else. I can’t continue being a fly on your wall while you waste days and months and years living a self-centered, drab life in a country where women are sub-human and killed off like dispensable pieces of garbage. Go be progressive in your contemporary urban wasteland though…. and best of luck. Gloss over the dirt with money and clothes and toys and cars and food and supermarket novels and the internet and anything and everything you can use to circumvent the horror of your soul damage. By all means go glorify your worldly affairs ever so smugly, with the lights gone out in your eyes. Be the earth-bound dream that died for nothing, and be it well why don’t you. Be a cunt, a bitch, a whore, an excommunicated daughter, an ex-wife, an accidental mother. Be a taller, more organized fourteen year old girl. Be an actress, a fiction teller, a prop. Be a killer of love.
Recalled on 22/9/16
I was standing in the corridor, the light was dim. Somebody was standing behind me. My arm spontaneously moved, the bow authoritatively struck the strings of the violin, once and again and again. The energy instantaneously manifested into sublime, sublime music.
The sound was truly alive, crystal clear. My body felt the reverbing ripples reach the expanses of the cosmos. The music was everywhere. The music was everything. I heard it inside my mind. Nothing is alive but the sound of the music. I felt free, whole, and I felt content. I was drinking the passion of my curiosity. I felt my musical creation and a connection to a source of omniscient wisdom, experience and knowledge.
I was the music. Vivaldi, 315 Presto and 297 Allegro non-Molto and something new to me. The whole was a powerfully perfect mixture; a matrix of the known and the unknown.
But my mind suddenly woke up and started making sense of the different layers of music it was processing. It realised that it can’t sort out the unfamiliar parts of the song, and then it realised that I don’t even play the violin.
The damned moment it stated to me that it can’t guess what part of the music comes next, my wrist anxiously played the wrong note. Now my mind was trying hard to ‘save me’ and guess what notes I should play next. As a result, I completely lost the ability to make the strings make any music. I tried hard but I only made a disturbing clash of notes. I lowered the instrument down and hung my head in shame, of myself.
My consciousness let me down.
حذارة مكشوفة للنفر
روح مكشوفة للجذب
قلب عقله في ضوء مظلم
و عقل قلبها في ظلام مضيء
يريد ما تريد و تريد ما يريد
يأخذ بيدها.. يترك، تأخذ بيده و تترك
تعب و خوف مزمن من حياة رفضت ان تبدأ
و روح عاهرة شاغفة تريد ما تريد
ساعة في ضوء ظل و ساعة في ظلام منير…
It is pronounced, that civilized man appeared 6000 years ago. And even though archaeologists since the 19th century have been finding evidence of bones and manmade artifacts that are many thousands and millions of years old, the official statement never changes. Mankind’s ancient origins are now being traced to 5 million, 20 million, even 200 million years ago, before the age of the great dinosaurs.
When technology and artifacts older than 6000 years are dug up, they are shoved in an unclaimed box called “Out of Place” artifacts (OOP). Scientists and thinkers do not worry about this box. The items are not compatible or complementary to the contemporary standards, hence; dismissable. This occurs in other research fields, in physics, astronomy, psychology. Nobody wants to rewrite history or upgrade science.
The world runs on plugins and updates instead of major reworks and upgrades.
If there is anything that frustrates me in this reality, it is this. It makes me so angry, I cry like a fool.…
She will stand before him mute and passive
a tribute to obliviousness
a statue of warm blood
consciousness unyieldingly empty
his words are done
he turns away and disappears
while her knees buckle
and she falls crouching in defeat and awe of destiny.
wails echo through the corridors, violent
her body shudders
anger relaxes like spasm
she melts completely all over the floor
grabbing it with her nails by its atoms
ripping the fabric of reality with her bare thought…
…”have a predominantly ‘mythic’ form of consciousness, within which events occur and are explained by the preordained social structures and orders told of, sung about, and performed within their superhuman mythology, rather than by reference to the possible accumulated political actions, decisions and influences of local individuals (i.e. this understanding effectively ‘erases’ history).
“The Dreaming.. provides a moral authority lying outside the individual will and outside human creation.. although the Dreaming as an ordering of the cosmos is presumably a product of historical events, such an origin is denied.”
“These human creations are objectified – thrust out – into principles or precedents for the immediate world.. Consequently, current action is not understood as the result of human alliances, creations, and choices, but is seen as imposed by an embracing, cosmic order.”
“It was often assumed that God had given a single unified truth to humanity and that the works of ancient philosophers had preserved part of this original deposit of divine wisdom.” — encyclopedia
Why experience revelation? Ravel wholeheartedly in myth’s genealogy,
following patterns of coincidence and mapping history.
While all the while the stories pull ashore to a myth,
…Atlantis.
What is left of the truth?
Vague ideas so heartbreaking,
Experience is but mythologies of idol fools.
Aware of something there behind seeming reality
How does thirst for truth intoxicate the mind, like so.
Could the end be written
and must it really matter,
The end cannot be reached.
How could it when from a dot a story spirals
Blossoming bubbles of plausible causalities
Ever-striving infinite perfection
to fibonacci’s rhythm events do drum
How now to imagine dimensions multiple
What is it that I am striving after?
1. Assembling hundreds of thousands worth of years
2. Suffering complete disconnection from it all
3. documenting what remain conscious
4. all efforts swollen by a tyrant fire
5. ravaged fragments of a reminiscence survive
6. the research goes on from scraps once more
7. to what ends, how will the ending end…
How can endowment of desire for knowledge not be divine? Perceived conclusions hacking preconceived matrix, scholarship, urgent preparation and deep knowingness. I am connected, related to history and its characters. Oh, muse. It is hard to live with nothing to believe in. Imagination comes with belief. Does belief come with imagination.…
“Try to remember. Those memories could help endure this reality.” — Korean tv show
I endure reality, waiting to catch my qualities and manifest my real personality. I’m torn between choices, should I read what I’ve written, should I write something new to read, or should I cease existing? Ceasing seems most comfortable.
I dreamt that you were in my bedroom and mama came and saw you asleep in the bed. But her problem was that baba will find you because he’s around. So I tell you to hide behind the bed but you say nah baba won’t come in. But he does and he sees you. I don’t remember what drama happened next. I only remember how I felt that you didn’t trust me to hide, and I trusted your confidence.…
I thought I was seeing an anomaly. A mothership. I never seen something so orange, huge and bright in the sky. My eyes were tired, blurring the brightness into sharp horns like nibiru. App said it’s jupiter.
“Biseer hek, jupiter?” Too beautiful.
A light rising by the horizon was flashing four color lights. App didn’t identify it. But I think it’s the same star I see sometimes, behaving very brightly.
A second moving light caught my attention easily. Tonight is on a roll. It came north and went in a straight light. The app doesn’t show any space junk or satellites.
Another one immediately appears going the opposite direction. It slowly becomes brighter and I see that it has a shape, a flat belly, not a sphere. Brightness increases dramatically until it becomes huge and gloriously white, like flames and wings. It drops brightness until it is a dot again, then flashes bright white again in the same fashion. I might have stood up, hand on heart, awe, fear and longing. No third flash and momentarily it is beyond obstructions in my view. Iridium flare? The app didn’t confirm.
Before it disappeared from my sight, I saw a third light moving in the opposite direction, going back south.
Amazingly, while watching this one move, my eye caught a fourth light moving opposite to it. Busy skies.
Jupiter looks insanely like an omen. Orange/red Jupiter
White bird flashes
I went back to an entry of ‘random’ signs as I was telling any L about how synchronicities are empty mysteries and I can’t see the message.
From: 14.10.2013
1. Achillie’s heel
2. Flashing lights
3. The four horsemen
4. Crystals
5. Red bird
6. 58.5
(Recent: the ancient Siberian tattoo, Chess board)
I was saying how signs seem random and weird. Unlike Celestine Prophecy BS.
Half an hour or less after quickly analysing the 6 signs I was getting in 2013 to: Adamian archetype character, space ship, new event;
I witnessed what was going on in the busy sky from my balcony.…
2 days ago.
The focus element came from the absence of the: insistent, continuous, dull, background, existential discontent.
Instead of feeling anxious about the passage of time, my full attention concentrated on what i wanted to do, doing it and finishing it.
I’m now missing the feel of wholeness and clarity.
How should I do this by myself.…
batkhabba bi my little corner, bansa ino el 7aya hala2 la2lah was3a la2inha la2ila 7ilweh.
baddalini atkhaba w ana 7atan mish 3arfeh walla 7asseh
bas antabeh, ma bafham lesh inni nasia, mish 7aseh bil hal wasa3, wil 7aya el 7ilweh eli el mafrood 3ayeshtha hala2
lesh mmish 3am bafrrid ijray w barta7…
It’s something I tried last night and I didn’t catch the name. It kicked in about two hours after I took it. What it did is focus me (finally) on doing what I wanted.
I stayed up all night making Julie a pretty box to put all her school pencils and colors and stuff in.
I organized Julie’s crafts closet as well before I started the box project.
I almost didn’t notice the effect of the pill. I noticed it only after a few hours of focusing and working and just being me and enjoying myself.
My mind is clear. I’m not thinking about bullshit
Julie woke up at 5
We played mine craft
She was so happy.
09:00:46: Zaid: Wt is it called? where did u get it?
09:01:12: Laila: From the kfoof guy yesterday
I’ll ask him what’s it called
It’s in the pharmacies
That’s what he said
09:26:47: Zaid: I’m sorry bas I dnt want to stay in this relationship call u after work to make it in a proper way
I am content.
Months have passed progressing this way forward.
My alien life completing, expanding.
Cosmic genies gave my wishes to me.
Life feels more like mine.
Energy to will productivity,
and control over my self.
An intriguing guy I long to fall in love with,
contenting me in various ways.
It must be easy to fall in love with you,
but I can’t feel it.
“At the end of days a Day of Judgment there shall be.
The Earth shall quake and the rivers change course,
and there shall be a darkness at noon and
a fire in the heavens in the night,
the day of the returning celestial god
will it be.
And who shall survive and who shall perish,
who shall be rewarded and who will be punished,
gods and men alike,
on that day it shall be discovered;
For what shall come to pass by what had passed
shall be determined; and what was destined
shall in a cycle be repeated,
and what was fated and only by the heart’s will
occurring for good or ill shall for judgment come.
The record read, the Past remembered,
the Future as prophesy understand,
Let the Future of the Past the judgment be!’
These are the words of Enki, Firstborn of Anu of Nibiru.”…
aliens in the sky
higher heavens
kingdoms of gods
peoples in the sky
people from other worlds
orbiting spaceships
watching us
everybody is waiting for Godot
as above, so below
as above so below
everybody is waiting for Godot
watching us
orbiting spaceships
people from other worlds
peoples in the sky
higher heavens kingdoms of gods
aliens in the sky…
my presence is the dream I’ve designed
I am dreaming
omniscient omnipresent omnipotent
collecting experiences in bags and pockets for later
I’m walking onwards through disoriented destiny
I’ve thrown everything for the winds of fate
I imagine the presence
I imagine someone
I imagine someone
I imagine the presence
I’ve thrown everything for the winds of fate
I’m walking onwards through disoriented destiny
collecting experiences in bags and pockets for later
omniscient omnipresent omnipotent
I am dreaming
my presence is the dream I’ve designed…
I don’t imagine someone
Or imagine the presence
I’ve thrown everything to the winds of fate
Walking onwards through disoriented destiny
Collecting experiences in bags and pockets for later
Omnipotent, omnipresent, omniscient I am not
I remember dreaming this
My presence is the dream I designed…
The Sumerians believed their gods came from another planet. The Anunnaki or ‘Those who from heaven came’ are humanoids from Nibiru, a planet or something else, that orbits our sun. Its path goes further beyond Pluto and orbits our sun not the way the solar planets do, but elliptically. It takes about 3600 years to complete one cycle around the sun.
In it’s history, Nibiru once destroyed a planet called Tiamat which orbited our sun between mars and jupiter. What is left of Tiamat formed earth, and the remnant debris gathered into the asteroid belt.
The Sumerian tablets,which are 4-7 thousand years old describe this cataclysm. It also details the journey of the Anunnaki from Nibiru to earth, how they pass every planet in our system; describing shapes, colors and distances. It describes the suicidal journey through the asteroid belt; camping in mars, the moon and then landing on earth, at the time when the only humanoid type creatures were apes. They genetically crossed the apes’ DNA with their own to create a hybrid, us; and we were meant to be servants and workers for them. Apart from evolution took over the project, and we gained consciousness and become homosapiens; thinking man.
The Sumerian tablets continue the history of what happened next. Of the magnificent rise of a high scientific and technological civilization ruled by the Anunnaki. It also lists megaliths they built, like the pyramids.
Man believed that they were gods. The biblical genealogy of Noah and the great flood that changed everything, is mentioned in detail. The flood was a cause of celestial disturbance caused by the approaching Nibiru. It wipes out everything (Atlantis sinks). The gods have enough time to prepare and escape the devastation in their spaceships because they knew, given their high level of scientific and technological ability. Some went to the colonies on the moon, some to the ones on mars, and others watched the end of an era up on their orbiting ships. A chilling scene and description of their reactions to what was happening. (Book of Enki)
10’000 years ago we restart with nothing, we are cavemen. The Anunnaki decide to start over and not leave with their spaceships. And so, Sumeria rose, then Egypt and they were deeply rooted in the pre-diluvian history and preserved the ancient history for future men. (official history does not take the historical accounts of the tablets into consideration).
The sudden disappearance of the Mesopotamian civilization happened when the gods warred against each other, for the last time. They nuked each other’s domains (mesopotamia, egypt, india…) then finally left earth.
The more recent civilizations following the fall of Sumer like the Greek, were based upon
like the Greek, latin american, Indian, you name it civilizations that came after these gods left, wrote all about them. they are the same people we read in history.…
Shouldn’t take offense of what she said.
Come closer to her, instead.
But you left.
She held out her hand all night.
Will you jumpstart her trust.
You are it.
And you ran.
This isn’t a game.
Are you not it then?
Is she in this alone?
That’s dumb.…
First of all, it is a memory i’m visiting. Second of all, it is a future I designed. Maybe the other way around. I know where it hides, bits of information in a storage device. Programmable. Ancient and far in a future. In a subtle conscious place, it exists now. Now means nothing. I resist it with strange persistence but fight to connect with it, miserably. I only want to know. I truly long to believe it. I play my role and it feels just right. What is truly mine is inside my mind. The only joy I manage to extract from now is writing every stray thought down.
sigh.
“The dream is the small hidden door in the deepest and most intimate sanctum of the soul, which opens into that primeval cosmic night that was soul long before there was a conscious ego and will be soul far beyond what a conscious ego could ever reach.”
— Carl Jung,The Meaning of Psychology for Modern Man, 1934
Once was there an empty place,
A waste of space,
Bottomless
Infinite
Alluring
Lured me in,
Closed in on me,
Breathed my mind away.
Am I alone,
I’m of a kind..
The echo of incoming messages,
The flow of streams of consciousness..
Corridor of stars, always within,
Cannot be reached.…
I watch her grab my veins by my heart
Slither down my breath
Helping my attempts for a naive escape
From a world I do not belong
By my heart by my veins
She grabs me & I watch her…
the hacked mind system
thoughts blurred,
censored emotions
– intercepted
I’m a stranger,
I’ll spill the secret holding the cracks of heart together
why wouldn’t I.
lifetimes engraved in a vague memory
access denied
it’s futile
barely remember name.
scorned
purposefully abandoned
lying below
forgotten
bleeding oceans of space between myself
on our knees surrendering, torn apart
we were one.…
you are the one
who knows the truth
where are you
where do you go
what do you do
are you alone
will I know
will I be with you
you are doing things the other way
you do make sense in my mind
your soliloquies enthrall me
I dare to believe
you are all I have for proof
obscene familiarities
without you I am nothing
you are disintegrating
forgetting who you are
forgetting to be alive
you can’t wake up
bored
dumbed
desensitized
my love
wake up
I wake up
dumbed
desensitized
bored
I can’t wake up
I forget I’m alive
I forget who I am
disintegration
without myself I am nothing
an obscene familiarity
all I have for proof is me
daring to believe soliloquies that enthrall me
I don’t make sense
I do things the other way
will I join myself
will I know myself
who is she
what does she do & why
where is she
she’s s the one
who knows the truth…
Did I mess my mind?
Is my mind all I have to sort questions out?
Are my questions important?
and are dreams nothing, or perhaps.. feedbacks? something more?
Do I have past lives , am I in the future?
Is my need for the answers reasonable?
justifiable?
My world readjusted.
Other explanations to history’s mysteries
don’t compute now.
A story this big, so mistranslated,
misinterpreted, misunderstood and downright plagiarized.
What if it was as the ancients wrote.…
“Every real poem is the breaking of an existing silence, and the first question we might ask any poem is, What kind of voice is breaking silence, and what kind of silence is being broken?”
—Adrienne Rich
بدي النــصــيـحة، بدون ما اسأل السـُـؤال
و جوابك ضروري يكون مُجرّدْ من الكلمات
و إحكيلي ليش
مهم لروحي إني أدوّرعلى
شو بدها مني الحـيـاة؟
و بِدي وجود لوجودي
بِدي وجودي
لإنه هيك مستحيل
فَهمّني عن الإرادة الغريبة
إلّي جوّاتي
هادي الرغبة إشي مِش إرادي
سـبـب لهلعيشة، بدي
و السبب ليش الموت ريحته أحلى من شمِّة الهوا
بدون جسد بدون سيارة،ممكن أحلى
بدي اعرف مُسَـبِـبّ وعيّي
إحكيلي القصة من الأول
من الأول
وإحكيلي ليش بحـتـاج هاي الاشياء؟
و إلحلّ شو
لمّا ما أقدر أحمي نفـسـي مـن عـدوانـي على حالي
ليش صعب احكي كلمتي
و مستحيل اكون برفـقتي
و مش حاسه بشعور شعوري
بدي أحسّوه
هادا الضوّ اللي أدّ الكون
اتنفسه، و هو بحوم في وعيّي
شايفتوه هيّوه، بمخيلتي
بقدر البِسُه بأحلامي
بس كيف بقدر أتزكّر
أســــيرة حالي،إلهة نفسي
اسرار عن الاوعي
آسرتني…
كيف اكشف حالي
أضلْ معاي، أضلْ جوّاتي
انا انا،لو مش نايمة
انا هي روحـي،و الروح دايمـة
و بعرف اني بعرف اللي بعرفُه
بَعرف انّي بعرف اشي
و كل يوم بحْلم القدر يطمنّي
أرئُف في هالوجود و في وجودي
أعطيني علامة، إلي بَس
أعطيني ســؤال، إلي لحالي
و إزا غـفـيـت، صحيني
و لما انـســى، زكـرَني
بس اضيع، شِــدّ عإيدي
و هَيّ الــســهـو مغــرقـني
أنـقذ أي ذِكرة بتلاقيها
لو ينغفرلي
لإنه مش بإيدي إني صرت عارفة
و لا حتىً قادرة، اتعـاون مع حالي
مش زابط أآمن بأفكاري
لا في الشِدّة و لا في الرحمة
المعاقبــة و المـســـامحـة بطّلّ إلها طعم
كنت بحـتـاج تِطلّع علـيّ
كيف و لا مــخـلـوق بعرف
بِدي مـن حالي الحاجـة إلـَـك
و كنت احكيلك، هُـمِه مش إحنا
و ما بحتاجو إيش نِحن بدنا
و إنت ما كنت تــحـتـاج
مين جامع وعيّي و روحك
روحي أنا، وين؟
It’s been good. Very good. But there’s a part missing from me, still. I’ve been thinking how could I experience the happy without thinking why I’m not experiencing.
A part of me is turned off. Time/events don’t turn me back on.
The last time I felt myself was twelve years ago. Everyday I keep going, hoping that today is the day.
Nothing bad or negative is happening at this time in my life.
Odd.
And my dreams are coming to reality.
But so unnoticeably so.
The only focus in me is inwards. And it creates negativity, because I’m constantly trying to connect to my external life but I’m not able to.
When there’s nothing more to wish for,
And I find that I only want it all to end;
What would I ask the genie to give me?
What could I now begin..
I’m looking forward to whatever can awaken the sleep in me.
This unfathomable, dumb, optimistic expectation from an invisible faith is the only happy that I own. I don’t know what this faith is. It is a purely mine. Soulmissioned. Knowingness. It’s not confirmable and can’t be proven, not with logic nor with science.
It’s so fucken damn deep. But I feel how shallow the link towards my own self is. I feel less than what I used to be. Less than I am. I am not only what I am now capable of.
Confidence is always sunken, ego holding on to the controls.
The various shadows of my ego are blinding me.…
So it’s 2013 and I’m fairly happily involved with someone. We get along well. We don’t succumb to serious drama.
Then I message Laila. I tell her she’s cute.
Laila says, “I love you so much” in one of the third or fourth messages. I served. We volley. She spikes an “I love you so much.” And I love her so much for it.
Laila is a lot like me, in very particular and unique ways; ways no one else has ever fit before. – It’s almost strange.
It IS strange.
Laila has my lamp. It’s the only time I’ve ever seen another one and will most likely ever see again said lamp.
Lulu’s on the fucken moon.
Laila and I like each other.
I like Laila. I really do.
I never thought I’d find her but I do. We find each other.
Before long we understand we’ve known each other before. Long before, for a long, long time.
Laila and I are not stupid.
We know what we’re talking about.
I, nor my lovely newfound friend Laila don’t fantasize things. We corroborate information.
We observe, we analyze, we cross-reference.
We are not psychically or spiritually impaired.
We know what we’re talking about.
This is immense in your hearts as well as our minds. There really isn’t much doubt.
We don’t find twin flames around every corner.
Not at all.
So this is us…now……over a long distance at our keyboards and
screens.
screens.
Frankly, I am in love already with Laila.
I think Laila is in love with me.
We hear one another’s thoughts; we incidentally have what are no longer coincidences after the umpteenth time.
We are always opening the app at the same time; we are on the same wavelength, quite literally.
I’m amazed.
I’m relieved.
I’m in shock.
But I’m not surprised – I’ve known all along.
Laila too.
She’s the one but I’m confused.
It’s all so confusing….so….
Much.
I’m head over heels.
I pack up and I head out.
I fly to Sweden.
My girlfriend is gone. In basically one fell swoop, musical chairs change.
I’m on way to see Laila after much ado about something.
(These days it’s much ado about nothing.)
I meet Laila. I’m beside myself.
Laila is beautiful. Laila is….Laila. My soulmate.
I had all but given up on soulmates.
I kiss Laila.
I’m stunned. Out of my body. Agog.
We drive away.
Then we’re in bed. I adore her.
She’s bleeding all over the place.
The sheets are ruined.
Why should I have cared? Why did I give it any thought?
What was I thinking anyhow?
Am I her twin to her? Is she really mine?
I don’t remember.
And besides, I’ve never seen this body she now inhabits….this face. But she’s familiar. She reminds me of myself.
She’s beautiful.
I’m tired. I’m delirious and belly-aching from the longest plane ride of my fettered life.
She’s menstruating.
I’m cramping.
We seem to both be trying; not doing.
Laila tells me to just finish.
She says I’ve had a long plane ride.
Things get strange. Thoughts invade a space they don’t belong, by both of us.
Perhaps it’s me.
Maybe it’s her.
Maybe it’s both of us.
The mood darkens.
We walk and she stops.
Laila is not happy.
I’m not me.
She’s not her.
Fuck.
But I love her.
I’m confused.
So confused has my life been I don’t even know if I’m confused. THAT’S utter confusion.
But…
I’m sad.
She’s sad.
She’s mad. I’m mad.
My twin!
I can’t think straight.
I can’t feel straight!
Suddenly I’m on the other side of the world; top of that planet,
my life instantly altered entirely.
I left everything and everyone behind.
Why?
Because I love Laila. She’s her.
She’s my twin.
I don’t fuck around when it comes to that.
I would have created one in my mind long ago, or a handful in my mind.
No.
It’s Laila.
I wouldn’t have left it all behind otherwise.
Stockholm is cold and deserted and neither of us have a sense of
direction.
direction.
Didn’t matter…..but it did.
On 22 Jan 2016, LB <@me.com> wrote:
I am Laila.
It is September 2013.
I have started a new life.
I’ve separated from husband and I have decorated and moved into my own new room.
I am minding my own business and recovering from a deep and long depression.
I’ve changed. I’m getting to feel better again.
Then I see a message in my inbox and it says that I am cute. He looks cute too.
I reply, something.., and we don’t stop talking until it is June 2014. We talk all day and all night, eastern & western hemispheres.
Then, suddenly I find myself driving down to the city to face fate.
4 hours, by myself, driving without an official license in a country I am not from.
I am not excited. I am not happy.
If fate indeed is guiding me, why can’t I stop telling myself to fucken stop worrying, that I am completely going to hate him, and myself, and all will be demolished in a few hours.
I stop my car infront of the Grand Hotel, and the valet sweeps her away.
I guess that I am stupid. Because it cost me 4000 kroner for parking. or was it 2000.
The room is too small.
I know this is not going how it should be going.
Nothing feels right.
What is wrong.
I let myself have a private moment, and take a timeout from reality. I fill the huge bath and force myself to calm down and relax.
On top of everything, I have my period.
I know that this costly endeavor is not meant to be.
But faith helps me shush it away. And then I find myself outside the airport, standing still, drinking starbucks and smoking.
It was one of those moments when I knew that after a few minutes, everything will change. My life will change. I will change.
Present moment, and all the recent yesterdays, will become a chapter in the past, soon.
I was terrified. There are no alignments, there are no signs. I am on my own. Destiny is not cheering.
It’s somewhere else and far away.
I was wishing I was home. Not involved in my life.
The longest minute of life was so boring.
And inside the airport, the first passengers are already walking out. Where is he.
What will I do when I see him?
How will I handle it if he turns out to be- well, not him.
There! Oh no.. I see him.
My hearts drops and dies between my feet. His suitcase is so big.
Who does he think he is.
I don’t know him.
I step on my heart and walk to meet him.
I wish I was dead,
I fake it. I lie. I break my truth streak.
I don’t even know him. I can’t do it.
I don’t want to drive away anywhere with him.
I refuse to go on with my life, and I collapse entirely.
I overwhelm my whole being with the real emotion I feel. I accept defeat.
I cannot trust my own self.
That’s the learnt lesson.
And I really do not have any fucks to give to anyone. They’ll think, ‘Aw, lovers reunited’ so I let myself cry. I let myself really cry.
I cry on his lap and let the anguish rule me. My life as I knew it is over.
I hate who I am.
I can’t believe I Was wrong.
I was right. I knew that it’s broken or not right all along.
I did my best to fall in love with him through the last ten months. It wasn’t working.
And he knew it because I kept telling him.
Once upon a time, there were 10 months worth of a story between twin flames. Signs, and all. Not all of them lived happily after. She’s doing fine.
She’s falling in love with someone now.
She’s fighting herself, because she’s too cautious. But she knows that if it’s meant to be, it is meant to be.
When I was growing up as a child, a teenager, I used to invest time and energy on imagination. Fantasy and the power of make belief was art I immersed into.
I made up stories. Characters. Events and drama. I was the heroin. I worshipped my hero and was loved to pieces.
When reality gave me opportunities to love and touch love, I imagined less, and started to write about it instead.
I probably found that writing is much more productive because I can reread it and jump back into the fantasy.
However, writing proved to be a weaker method of retaining information, and emotion especially.
And also I started to notice I was depressed. And focused writing about that too.
I don’t know if it’s been the same ever since, or if it is a recent development, but I now focus on writing about myself, to uncover what emotion is lurking behind the imaginations of a blackholed mind.…
Once upon a time, long long ago and far far away lived the great big Void.
She thought and she thought until her thoughts manifested a great big God.
He thought and he thought, until his thoughts manifested a great big everything that God is not;
And his name was Lucifer.
Lucifer knew that he had the awesome power, more so than God.
But Lucifer never manifested a damned thing.
One day, God and his twin thought, until their thoughts manifested Lilith;
And she was the body and Desire.
Lilith wanted one more than the other.
God thought until his thoughts manifested jealousy in his heart.
One day, God manifested a body.
Lilith would not want him to be her only.
God creates Eve.
Lilith imprints in Eve then turns away from reality, and exits the matrix.…
I have had a strong connection to dinosaurs and space every since i was little. And when I was 12, my dad took me to see my first movie in the cinema: Jurassic Park. When we went back home, I was living a trip in the kitchen, terrified that there are dinosaurs outside in the night and telling my parents about it. For a few years since then, I have had impressibly vivid dreams about these creatures. I remember that I was always lucid, always in these particular dreams. I could simply remember that it is a dream. Moreover, I could metaphorically switch a button and wakeup as soon as the terror trumped the fascination. I was also very conscious of the fact that they will never hurt me, that the only problem in the matter is me fearing them. Now, I am very conscious of my dreams, as I use the vividest ones to understand what it is that I am. So it was a strange moment, when a few days ago I remembered that I used to have intuitive capabilities in my old dinosaur dreams. December 14, 2015
Travel to those parts. What was the country’s name? Hot, dry, arrid, sparse, weird sun light. And back in a day to jordan. And how i got there is interesting. Why was i there? Who was with me? Must remember dream, Surreal.…
Stars are dead
Sky is fake
Such a waste of space
Empty space
No sails
No souls
Vast world
Closing in
On my mind
Am I alone
Am I of a kind
Nothing’s incoming
World closing
Within me is a universe
Doesn’t belong to anyone
It would be such a waste of space; For you are so beautiful. Stars.. You are Empty space. No ships or souls. World so open and vast is closing in, On me and my mind. Am I alone.. Am I of a kind.. Nothing incoming comes now. World closing in and is within- Me.…
DNA mess.
your children painstakingly sorting life out
mind is all we have
a serious enigma it is
are dreams clues to know
feedbacks of past
my pasts or mass past
I have many questions
I mainly have one
Are my questions necessary?
Is my need for wisdom justifiable?…
“It is either I do this because I want this, or I don’t because I do not!”
She heard him whisper in her mind.
He’s wrong. He’s saying that there are no other chances. But for this to work I need to find other choices! He is not completely right.. But he’s confirming that time then is cyclical. ..I am aware of this completely now.. Nothing is complete.
And only then, did the voice inside her head pulled the strings of attention to the next in the unfolding plan. The voice will make her do what its will. She knew that. He knew that she will need to interject the host she’s confined in, and precisely instruct her to take action. The voice of Lilith was a siren, calling for this challenge. Lilith would prove to the rest that she hasn’t been wrong, all along. Her unnecessary punishment by those she had obeyed into disobeying is hindering her quest for the truth. And now she has accepted Lucifer’s harsh revelation, in a heartbeat, as a sacrifice offering to the universe. She is set out to find the resolution to the situation, all of theirs’; immediately. She prays; and asks her resolve to evolve her host. Lilith’s consciousness overwhelmed her host’s who failed to notice it. She did not notice the sudden silence. The absence. Because she wasn’t expecting to lose the communication link between them. And this was the moment her soul spilt from it’s twin’s. The terrible moment when the whole plan backfired. And feminism was born. The terrible event that divided her self into two. One half eventually became the lacuna of an unknown-familiar longing of foreign origin, and Lilith’s soul gained another wing for creative innovation in battle.
The host fills up with a foreign faith, and her slender arms, wide open, expectantly, looking at his beautiful being, says after a moment, swears an oath,
“I will try my hardest to understand— my self. I am sorry, but I will learn that which cannot be taught. Because— I want to. I want to do love too.”
The promise was supposed to be a deal sealer. But now I know that I’ve made a mistake. Godly damned heartbreak. This is a deal breaker.
And so the curtains fall on the stage. And she hasn’t spoken to her master, ever since. As for him, his brokenheart never forgot the last words that Eve ever spoke.
from: the Narrator’s journal:
From the perspective of the bigger picture, it feels like I’m the only thing moving. But in the smaller picture, in this reality, I feel the complete opposite. Everything, from here, seems to move; like a wind. And I am constant focus. I am the permanent perspective, spectator and creator.
When I was young, there were rare incidents or situations, when suddenly, my surroundings start fast-forwarding and spinning around me. And I am the eye of the twister, terrified. Horrified by my presence, that is showing itself for me to be aware of. The other, the invisible other. Is this how ‘God” felt when he unintentionally created, duality? How did he feel that moment when he saw his own reflection? What was it like to meet someone other than himself. What was it like to meet himself as another being? It felt like a point of focus that is outside of me. A confirmation that someone else is separate from me, I don’t recognize as part of our reality, and . and it is sucking my attentions and awareness like a strong vacuum. It feels similar to dream paralysis, but the focus is is not on being unwillingly, contained inside my body, terrified; the focus is abstract containment, of my consciousness. Like a Dementer, sucking the happiness out of Harry Potter’s memories. It is terror. Contained in a box. Pandora’s box. But as I grew, and wasn’t a child anymore, this ‘meeting’ changed, to something deep, a love affair. I fell in love with the unknown & I’m intrigued and longing to be with this presence. An insecure obsession of pure love. The prominent theme the feeling of being unemotionally detached, and almost constantly anxious. Like a second nature.
It is when I look at the stars in the night sky, I focus. I see the star in the sky because everything else seems irrelevant. It is just me- and her. I see a sun with planets in her. A galaxy, bigger than mine and mind-bogglingly distant, exciting in a completely different timeline. They say that the further the star is, the more lightyears separate our distance and time. They say you can see things in the night sky that are in reality not even there, anymore. For a long long time.
What in the whole world is more fascinating than a star in the night? The quest to there, I bet.
When I look at the stars in a black dark sky, I say, “Wow…. Nothing matters because nothing is really real.”
With nostalgic sadness that I feel why I miss my home, a room in a house in space. A crew with a beloved captain, a mission in pursuit. A past for me to fix through a present for future’s sake. Responsibility, burdened guilt, an oath, a death.
He keeps asking me to play a game. He insists desires come true and that it will surprise me.
I always tell him that I can’t be too careful. I choose the safest incantation and reply that ‘I wish for my wishes to come true.’
My intentions are always the same; for my self to complete, and to find my mate.
And for my history to find me, and take me back where I belong, there atop the cosmic sphere.…
I feel different. I am writing slowly without thinking about things like how to write it or what word to use. Many good ideas were written down today. I have started to stop entries and start new ones for new ideas. Good. Thanks to ZK and the developing structure of writing the book.
ZK: ‘Describe the.. or explain the.. but don’t mix, and don’t explain either.’
Describe it as simply as you can. Don’t bother explaining cause a good description ought to do it.…
I love this room we’re making here. This lettr room is where thoughts can lay to rest. (see: Harry Potter – Pensive). & As for the words spoken on phone, i wished that today’s was recorded. Because it was ‘important talk’.
I felt it was prologue for the next chapter. And so, what brings us here today, back together, and what links me to you when we are apart, is mysterious. A bigger picture that we both relish in thinking about. We talk and write about it, and utilize art and music to create it.
And what is artistic creation if not an affect of utter lack of descriptive words for formless ideas. Only, there is a problem here somewhere. What we have at hand here is that our deepest, darkest and brightest INTER-monologues and dialogues; and our separate, enchanting INNER-monologues, suffer time dilation and the unforgettable curse of forgetfulness. & in my case inspirations and experiences, thoughts and words fade completely and now momentarily so. The lost inspirations are but dreams forgotten. The conscious mind is barred from the house of subconscious by decree, because our records are no longer in Akasha.
#Book
“Adm, I will capture these energies, masquerading as thoughts! But I need you. Show me the way to a secret place. We’re going to create. – Atlantean me
So what I wants is : for all our thoughts and feelings to synergies, and imprint on the fabrics of space. Codes we will leave for future reference. Anchors to memories and experiences we can tap into when need arrise. Because we are cursed with amnesia, and i know it can be fixed. From then on, it will be interesting to look at the form we will see emerging after our book is updated and we align the times. This want imposes on me. It ‘s posing, patiently, for both you and I to do it. To go ahead and start watching the real show. When we experienced the love room, 9/2013-7/2014, I was shy, embarrassed- to speak my truth. What I felt Atlantis meant to me, and why did space feel like home when no home ever did was the only topics that were hard on me to express to another being. But in my defense, back then I called these thoughts crazy. And then I would dare the universe to prove me wrong by way of you uncovering what I kept covered, in fear of being ridiculed by destiny. And as we both danced around the stories of an ocean of sunken ground, we were afraid to possess the crazy we both felt should be real. We never talked comfortably about it. And it shall not be like this- this time around. You saw how deliberately I today start anew with you with my truth as my only defense. And as you know, I never doubt that the inner you would misinterpret the inner me. … We write down what is difficult to say, and send a letter to eachother.
We go through records of inner broken emotions and pain to unfurl the secret and the hidden. We should save it. Literally pressing the save button. And that’s the mission statement. Because all we ever write down or think about create music or art for is a gift of labour of a sum of experience to our higher plans, and our higher selves. To our predecessor selves and our future selves. I never doubted you. But I sometimes doubt the cosmos.
oh moon you’re big and bright won’t you stay with me tonight.
I am the sum of me even though I’m disconnected from the soup of experiences and memories that are mine. Even if I am a house to separate selfs and kind-of familiar individuals. Even if I am a stranger to myself.
I’m still me.
And you knew me, the most and the littlest.…
I am the sum of me even though I’m disconnected from the soup of experiences and memories that are mine.
Even if I am a house to separate selfs and kind-of familiar individuals,
even if I am a stranger to myself,
I’m still me.
Last night I realized that: not only my past me’s are foreign to me, but also the recent two years me, or the me after.
All of these individuals, are not real to me. No matter how hard we all try.
But I know they existed, and the only proof I have of their memory is their records. I read what they recorded.
I was them. But something’s missing. No connections.
Since the disappointing fall in ’12,
there has been a new sensation, embodied as a presence inside me.
It is like a layer to my person and personality.
It is the disappointed self that arose, her lips sealed tight and eyes bright, forgiving and allowing the cosmos it’s ways.
That part of me is all part of me now. And the rest of me is a librarian.
And two years ago, she faithfully and maybe bravely rejected the idea of reoccurring disappointment and gave to the concept of you and I a chance to prove a ‘miracle’ or ‘initiation’ to go on with this journey. So so that I managed to connect with you my soulmate and crusaded inside cosmos again as the best me I could offer to it and you and myself.
And I was happy too.
I was remembering, and I discovered that I should’ve been very much happy in late ’13 till mid ’14 in comparison to today. I’m still ‘happy’, ..this empty yet technically ‘happy’ state; but you, and even the whole concept of soulmate are foreign to me, even though I know this is mine.
You read this and you’re upset because of various words written which have power to either offend or terribly hurt, but know that I write them with one intention; to clarify myself for both of us.
just another existential breakdown, it’ll fade
Faith is a phoenix, it won’t die.
an insistent, terrible Knowing; that indeed no matter how far one gets in experiencing ‘who and why they are’,
there’s a station in every phase when you get to take the train back to square one and off again to a new destination in a multiverse of outcomes.
I know I wasn’t given the Ticket, and I hate being a stowaway. I know there is no final destination because the train can either go in circles and from A to B. Yet this terrible knowing that everything is as it should, and god will always say, it’s good- is .. disappointing.
I don’t want to be where god is anymore.
I want to be free-er.
“You are my rock. Imagine an ocean with a floating rock. If the ocean is raging and the storm is overpowering me, I grab on to the rock and it is the only safety I have. And if the ocean is calm, I am on the rock, enjoying the sunset.”…
One dream, I met this guy or teenager as I left the buildings and am probably going to the next class. The scene is like a game? Part of the building demolished or just ruined, and I think I will climb through the window or opening to get to the next class. We are outside. And he is showing me, .. Now the memory changes and I remember actually that I was looking for lego characters for julie. They were used, in a box there, and I thought that I am not stealing, …, and justified it in my dreamhead, and also thought why would I even touch this. Because I know it is old and this is an opportunity. Treasure like thing. Then who is this “guy”? Because I only think I am feeling him in the scene. Did we communicate in any fashion? I think so. Back to this dream tonight, there were people I knew there actually, from the past, like someone from my school. I wonder who they were. What was the nature between us, did we communicate.. I don’t remember.
I want to also mention here that I have been having dreams again, the sort I had tonight, but it felt like today I remember much more than the other days, and that I probably should record this, for future’s sake.…
I was feeling tired all day like I haven’t slept for weeks, and by four I crashed and slept for a couple of hours. I had a dream: I’m walking past a dog shelter and all I wanted was to show mama the kind of dog I would like to have. They didn’t have a small one but a very big one of the type I like, and it was extremely white. So I was showing mama when suddenly that huge white dog came to me and hugged me humanely a very long very tight very real hug. During the hug I felt like the dog knows me and was waiting for me, and is very happy that I showed up finally. but also I felt I knew that it was very old and won’t live for long. So I tell mama and the guy who owns the place that I’m taking this dog home with me now. The man says the doggie is very old, like a grandma and has seven days left of life. That only makes me want it even more.…
I was feeling tired all day like I haven’t slept for weeks, and by four I crashed and slept for a couple of hours. I had a dream:
I’m walking past a dog shelter and all I wanted was to show mama the kind of dog I would like to have. They didn’t have a small one but a very big one of the type I like, and it was extremely white. So I was showing mama when suddenly that huge white dog came to me and hugged me humanely a very long very tight very real hug. During the hug I felt like the dog knows me and was waiting for me, and is very happy that I finally showed up. I knew that it was very old and won’t live for long. So I tell mama and the guy who owns the place that I’m taking this dog home with me now. The man says the doggie is very old, like a grandma and has seven days left of life. That only made me want it more.…
I was flying across a span of bay and islands singing a beautiful, operatic, siren song. The song was complex, multi-layered. My voice was many-layered voices, free, pretty.…
I'm not here to impress or collect energy
I'm here to be me
And connect with you
My people
Help me, god, help me, Christ
The whole world is whistling the same tune
Let's sing out loud all together now
“It is either I do this because I want to, or I don’t because I do not.” He is wrong. There are other choices. For this to work, I need to find the other choices. He is confirming to me what I’ve already found out; life is cyclical.
The voice in her head started to pull the strings of attention to the next part of an unfolding plan. The voice will make her do what it wants to do. She knew that. The voice knew that she will need to interject the host she’s confined in, and precisely instruct her to action.
The voice of Lilith was a siren, calling for this challenge. Lilith would prove to the rest, that she hasn’t been wrong, all along. Her unnecessary punishment by those she had obeyed to disobey has hindered her quest for the truth. And now she has accepted Lucifer’s harsh revelation, in a heartbeat, as her offering to the universe. She is set out to find the resolution to the situation; all of theirs’, immediately. She prays; and asks her resolve to evolve the host. But; as Lilith’s consciousness overwhelm her host’s, she fails to notice it. She did not notice the sudden silence. The absence. Because she wasn’t expecting to lose the communication link between them both. And this was the moment her soul spilt from it’s twin’s. The terrible moment when the whole plan backfired. And feminism was born. The terrible event that divided her self into two. One half eventually became the lacuna of an unknown-familiar longing of foreign origin, and Lilith’s soul gained another wing for creative innovation in battle.
The host fills up with a foreign faith, and her slender arms, wide open, expectantly, looking at his beautiful being, says after a moment, swears an oath,
“I will try my hardest to understand— my self. I am sorry, but I will learn that which cannot be taught. Because— I want to. I want to do love too.”
The promise was supposed to be a deal sealer. But now I know that I’ve made a mistake. Godly damned heartbreak. This is a deal breaker.
And so the curtains fall on the stage. And she hasn’t spoken to her master, ever since. As for him, his brokenheart never forgot the last words that Eve ever spoke.…
From the perspective of the bigger picture, it feels like I’m the only thing moving.
But in the smaller picture, in this reality, I feel the complete opposite.
Everything, from here, seems to move; like a wind. And I am constant focus. I am the permanent perspective, spectator and creator.
When I was young, there were rare incidents or situations, when suddenly, my surroundings start fast-forwarding and spinning around me. And I am the eye of the twister, terrified. Horrified by my presence, that is showing itself for me to be aware of. The other, the invisible other.
Is this how ‘God” felt when he unintentionally created, duality?
How did he feel that moment when he saw his own reflection?
What was it like to meet someone other than himself.
What was it like to meet himself as another being?
It felt like a point of focus that is outside of me. A confirmation that someone else is separate from me, I don’t recognize as part of our reality, and . and it is sucking my attentions and awareness like a strong vacuum. It feels similar to dream paralysis, but the focus is is not on being unwillingly, contained inside my body, terrified; the focus is abstract containment, of my consciousness. Like a Dementer, sucking the happiness out of Harry Potter’s memories. It is terror. Contained in a box. Pandora’s box.
But as I grew, and wasn’t a child anymore, this ‘meeting’ changed, to something deep, a love affair. I fell in love with the unknown & I’m intrigued and longing to be with this presence. An insecure obsession of pure love.
The prominent theme the feeling of being unemotionally detached, and almost constantly anxious. Like a second nature.
It is when I look at the stars in the night sky, I focus. I see the star in the sky because everything else seems irrelevant. It is just me- and her.
I see a sun with planets in her. A galaxy, bigger than mine and mind-bogglingly distant, exciting in a completely different timeline. They say that the further the star is, the more lightyears separate our distance and time. They say you can see things in the night sky that are in reality not even there, anymore. For a long long time.
What in the whole world is more fascinating than a star in the night? The quest to there, I bet.
When I look at the stars in a black dark sky, I say, “Wow…. Nothing matters because nothing is really real.”…
“You can’t depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.” -Mark Twain
Dear LB,
When am I going to sprout wings and fly us to that ashen moon. A ‘sticker in the sky’ you call it. Exactly. I adore that. I wonder what’s going on up there on that thing. Some sort of a Truman Show I think we can be certain. Do you remember when we had to construct that monstrosity in the absence of gravity as we floated like feathers in space trying to get that sucker as round as possible? That sure was a lot of plaster, sand, and play-doh we had to roll into a gargantuan ball, only to have to tow it through such a great expanse of blackness as we lugged that heap of material to it’s current fixed position. Boy, was that a task.…
Forlorn struggle; the disconsolate plight, Crestfallen angel of the techno lie, Circling abject destiny at the helm, In the hangdog adventures of a servile quest in the dark, Among the flagrant escapades of feminine impurity, Reformed to a red-blooded manner of being, Desolate concealed realities of inner and outer space, Unrevealed exotica on the lam, No longer researched in the unrequited cold light of day, Unreciprocated hours upon hours, Enchantment with horns, Unjust dissent on a roll, Merciless lack of sentiment with wings, The glowing appeal of a dark heroine, Goddess in the making, Above this forsaking ecstasy lays a claim made for the universe, And the captivation of dismay, Playing charades with god, The heavy gravity of idealism, A birthright to he who knows himself, This bright white enticement of a blackened magnetism, Courting the inclination to have it all, or nothing at all, Taking the bait of a beloved’s unstable promise, The indeterminate flux, The wavering touch & go notions of a relation presupposed, She invented presumptuous future events in her bent mind, And self-proclaimed the art of prediction. She had a solid conviction like a brick tossed through a window with an obstructed view, She knew she was jumping numbly to a pessimist’s conclusion, Alluding to a base reality – more of a bore than her current standings, She was demanding of the storied ending before diving into the thick of the plot, She was not prudent toward the effects of the future, Nor too sure of anything save the safety of her seduction.…
A volcano erupted. Unseen, the building is quietly simmering with deep heat. The only safe place is my childhood’s bedroom. Here it’s located higher up on the fourth floor. My sister N and I are the only ones left in the building. The others are safe, outside, somehow, by the pool. Lounging, waiting for us two to jump off the fourth floor window.
As usual in disaster dreams; I head to the closet to pick up the ready packed emergency backpack. I couldn’t find it. This never happened before. This upsets me so much- that someone has been messing with my planned plans to exit ready on short notice. I grab the empty bag and for this first time do not pack anything for myself. I pack tiny underwear, a top, trousers for my daughter. Suddenly I hesitate because I’m pondering if I should add something that she would like for me to save. ‘The weather is hot’ so I add her favorite my little pony summer dress. Now I’m ready to leave.
My sister has nothing to take, and I turn to her and say; perhaps I should at least take my phone charger. I open the bedroom’s door and sure enough like she’s saying to me, it is too late to go in. The floors ahead are too hot now to walk on with bare feet. I close the door. She prepares to jump out of the barred window. I wonder how she and I are going to even fit between those bars. But somehow they aren’t an issue. She sits herself on the ledge, centralizes her position as to fall onto a yellow inflatable pillow floating in the pool below. I see my mother sitting on the chair by the pool’s table, and she’s busy doing something, leisurely. I hear others too but can’t make out anybody. I know it is my family anyway. It’s calm outside. A nice day. She, really quickly and abruptly jumps. She doesn’t waste a moment. Very sure of everything, she jumps, lands on the yellow thing and into the water. I worry that a jump this high will make us go deep down under water. But she gracefully comes up, only diving a little way. So now I am in the bedroom by myself. And I feel that I cannot do what she has just done. And I look around me thinking, is there really nothing I should take (to death)? It is then when I decide, that if I don’t ‘save’ my writings, I will live to regret it forever. So I go pick up all my journals, and one by one I’m stuffing them into my new blue backpack from San Fransisco. I know they are only a few pages full-each. Still. Then I open a drawer and gratefully take out all the loose papers (in reality they are organized) and stuff them into a white and red Safeway plastic bag. I tie a knot. There is absolutely nothing else that I want to save from being forever lost in an invisible fire, or take with me to my death. Only my texts, notes, journals and book. My writings. I own nothing else. I only own them.
I suddenly think of my daughter, and wonder if she’d be grateful that I saved a stuffed toy. But the toy I find is a grey fluffy rabbit that I once owned as a child. I hold my rabbit and stroke the thing but I am aware, that in case of emergency, I’ve long since planned and decided to only take the already ready and packed backpack. Nothing else. I throw the toy back into the box. The white tiled floor underneath my bare feet is hotter now and I know that it is time to go. Goodbye house, goodbye childhood in a room. I throw my writings out of the window, and now I sit on the ledge as my sister had before me. I am absolutely, positively sure, that I am not going to make it. I cannot jump. I lean backwards with my back to the window behind me. And looking down to the pool, to the yellow pillow, I know that it is not going to happen. I get dizzy and lean backwards again, when I see across the street, a young dad, playing with his young baby boy. The baby is too small to walk or stand. But he is walking and standing and even doing acrobatics, with his little feet treading on his daddy’s hands. The young man moves his hands around, and the baby puts his feet accordingly, or maybe it’s the other way around. One time, the dad falters and the baby almost slips, but then the hand reaches the falling small foot and makes a place for it to land. They proceed with their dance. I think, hanging out on the ledge, that this street show is supposed to be helpful for me. I miss the point completely. I am alone. The dream ends.
Next morning, on tv, they are talking about an active volcano in Kamchatka where they have discovered very special diamonds. Volcanos make diamonds.
Maybe I should have left my writings in my past. Or maybe, in that dream, I’m the diamond.…
Reading from the Popol Vuh, and thinking about Enki could’ve created cylons instead of humans, Shifts cards in a pleasant way. In the Vuh, the story of the poor wooden figurine men, and the animals before them before man was created, and the purpose of all attempts of creation is for man to ‘sustain’ and give sustenance to his creators; remind me of the greys or reptilians/archons. …
I am on a bus with a group of strangers. Where we are headed, I do not know. On this bus someone has a full-grown Bengal tiger, unleashed.
Throughout the dream, the tiger is leaping over the seats – agitated. Never does this tiger maul anyone, but it seems like it wants to, and any sudden or wrong move by anyone would prove deadly. I am constantly on guard. …
I’m supposed to be this strong person moving back home who knows her plans and won’t break down as soon as her parents say no, but I have no idea who I am or wtf I want. Everything is a lie. Everything is a boring dream like waste of space. I didn’t take anything with me. Just a couple of clothes I’m comfortable in. I don’t want to call for weed the minute i land. It’s a bottomless promise to better news that doesn’t happen. I can’t tell lie from truth so I don’t read at all or watch anything anymore. I ask Why all day everyday to everything. Why is life is
Lol and I’m supposed to get a job too haha
I rather be anybody else on condition to stay ignorant of my own ignorance
I don’t have plans I’m pretending I do because I have Julie to care for …
One is mine to marry, tall, blonde. One is married and to have. Dark, him and his wife want me. I am a visitor to this Aristocratic world. Honored by everybody; mother/teacher figure. I am a mingling extravert in the ball room. The place is a city complex. I have my own quarters…
Am I the awkward 14 year old I think I am no more?
Could I repeat my feat and go boldly where I have already gone before?
I want to experience my authentic self disregarding all the personalities.
I request a full scan and fix.
Delete all that is unrequired.
I want to act in life, personally.
I want to see better rather than see more.
It’s all a rush in a great big blur.
I behave as if I am a burden.
Don’t.…
[The past couple nights I’ve had very interesting dreams. Yesterday morning I wake up, smoke a cigarette, then before falling back asleep ask repeatedly to show me my twin, bring her to me….whoever she may be. An hour long dream of Laila (plus Julie who’s a bit older) ensues. Never happened before like this at all. Only saw Laila in passing, or perhaps dreams I do not remember. I was upset. Maybe I’ll write that down later… I’m still processing it. I didn’t want to dream of her anyhow.]
This is the dream I felt the need to jot down this morning upon awakening:
Dream – ‘She always must be looking at art’- April 9th, 2015…
I am grappling with how or where I should start this. . . perhaps overthinking how not to understate it, or vice versa. Please have a seat and read without any distraction. Be fully present in this moment with me as I attempt to write you a letter proper. If you have a J, light it up before you continue (pause). If you can see the moon from where you are, let it shine in your eyes, take a few deep breaths and redirect your attention here on your screen as I bare my soul to you as purely as possible in English, god willing.…
I am a small spacecraft. I am this individual person on the earth, sitting alone with my thoughts. I expand with the universe over aeons. I am enormous – bigger than any telescopic view. I am one giant heap of memories. I am history repeating itself. On a bed I lie, overcome with debilitating despair, held down by heavy gravity. I am a star, a moon, a galaxy in spiral. I am defeated human man – immersed in these lower frequencies. But once I was golden.…
i want to write about you
i know that i know you well
but i never thought it through
don’t go, i want to be with you
let me plaster your essence with language
stay with me
let me stay with you
i know you and about our intimacy
innocent and enduring
both of us fully experiencing the other
i forget about our relationship
memory is sever
may i continuously remember you
build this new life around you, towards you
for ends and means to find you,
find me
no confusions
no genies or sphinxonian tactics
or firewalls
cold fusion
mote it be,…
I was not by myself. I don’t know who the others are. And they seem to change constantly. I am alone perhaps. From a locker I pull out blue sneakers and I knew that they were royal/princely. They were worn but not worn out. I put one on only I think. I think I was intending to put the other on. They were men’s shoes. And they were too big on me. But they fit nevertheless.
Later on I think I remember to put on the other shoe, when in a different scene, and perhaps I am doing it for Julie, or beside her..
Context: in the background, the world is transforming/changing with the people in it. Maybe I and others were going to the same place. I think there was a sense of location orientation connectedness. But I may be wrong. I feel there was though.
Scenes inside and outside in places that are unknown to me.
Also I was at UJ again. Between classes. Always walking, going somewhere. From A to B but in between there are alphabets. I am alone, as usual in UJ. The time is around 4-7 pm and the sun is dimmer. I think that is a constant in UJ dreams.…
Huge, orange, firey, hovering over Cameo Hotel’s right. Slowly starts to move away diagonally. Disappears too soon before the horizon. With JRT, bedtime. …
Highest-self: the sum of me in one omniscient consciousness.
Assembling hundreds of thousands worth of years then suffering the disconnection from it all. Then learning writing down of what remain conscious of began. After the assembled library of Alexandria was ravaged, the fragments of the reminiscence survived and so, the research went on, from scraps again.
What is there left of the truth? Whatever piece of vague and mysterious puzzle that powers here have in possession is a sad token of what is left of experience. Of my work.
You ask if maybe the way to ‘ascend’ is to override the hacked, built-in Matrix with your own system of truth; based on your scholarship, based on the feeling or knowing that you connect and relate to historical characters. That it is the reason and fuel you do anything you do. At the very least especially of late.
Could you write how it ends? Would it really matter? Why then else you experience those inner revelations, and ravel in the mythologies and genealogies. Intoxicating contexts of histories of stories about one true tale. Of how it all started. Could you write the fairytale’s end while you know that you are unaware of the truth behind the seeming reality. It never reaches any kind of ending. But comes out from within the original dot of the story, spiraling completing cycles binaurally, striving Fibonacci and yet blossoming bubbles of plausible casualties. It makes your mind want to get out of it’s physical restrictions and expand so it sees and understands what it is thirsting after and for.
You say how can one think, how can I think two dimensionally and three at the same time. How can I follow a pattern, a line of descent, a story, when every action has a reaction, and so for me it seems that The World explodes with probably infinite parallel universes every time the rhythm hits the beat of time, every time a choice is made. Every moment. Infinite bubbles. Infinite big bangs, infinite branches. How can I draw this tree.
The search for the genealogy of the gods was always going through scholar’s hands. At least since the time of Herodotus. But don’t let that dishearten you. Because that is how it goes.
P.S: Electrons quantum jump from one orbit to another one, seemingly going through a wormhole of sorts. Wonderful, strange and delicious to be aware of.…
I grab the arm inside the mirror.
I understand I’m about to see the other.
I feel relief wash over.
The excitement rushes inside me.
I forcefully grab him towards me.
The strange wind I felt once,
I feel again.
The change is powerful.
I push down the vortex.
I reach solid ground
This is the new portal.
He lays above me.
I love him.
Gone is the overwhelming anxiety.
I see the blessing in his eyes.
I then understand,
He to me is a father.
If he was not, I was not.
He is my brother.
He is me.
We are reunited.
III. Lucifer
I’m falling in black silk.
The dim shine swirls inside the shadows.
…
I am contained.
I have skin.
My skin feels.
I’m lying on a body.
I see the face from the mirror.
We gaze.
I’ve back up 30 percent of my (research) material from Internet. I’ve been sorting out my written research my booksbook on Scrivener, the writing software. Yesterday Rupert helped me back up all my writing from my laptop and iMac at home in Sweden. I have it all now in Dropbox. And I’m in the operation of untangling the files and duplicates. Right now in one huge Scrivener old backup.. Untangling the texts. I found all my Book I writings in here. So editing and copying and pasting and deleting. I’m gathering all of my writing into Scrivener and deleting all duplicates. Then I’ll upload to Evernote so you can also see it. I’m surprised that I have written so much for the book, in these four years. Time to draft the thesis.
Of course, at home in Sweden, I have a whole box of papers of my writings. That’s all organized. Did that last year and showed you lots of it. I have to have digital copies of that shit and have it together with the rest of my writings.
Hi,
I am freedom.
I am beautiful,
I am confident,
I am sexy,
I am powerful.
I have the control,
I am intelligent,
And I am wise,
I am experienced,
I know it all.
I remember,
I believe,
My life is free,
My life is a dream,
I am happy,
They are happy about it.
I am magical,
I am magic,
I am fearless,
I am my own,
I am love;
I am the orgasm.
I was watching an RT interview, and it was philosophy. A term, someone had to invent, called Soft Power (propoganda) vs. “Hard concepts of power like military and economical”.
Venzuela was displaying soft power onto western media as an act of defence.
USA’s soft power is weaning after going through foreign military insersions with no supporting documents.
China is actively submitting it’s own society to soft power.
Russia?
On the other hand, all those “springs” and the demonstrations worldwide, and the sitins, and campsins..
Something is changing
Propaganda
This obsession with death that we have acquired in the recent few decades!
How we fantasise, glorify, portray and signify death
Make death a celebrity!!
Hollywood
Lollywood
Bollywood
And something pakistani or indian that one of told me a few days ago in Rome.
The film classics
Black
And white
Simple
Nieve
Clever
Enchanting
Just because we have also fantasised about that past-
Make past a celebrity..
I don’t know any of those films. Maybe I do. I can’t know, as my Rose said.
But for instance, a woman, with long jet black straight hair. fringe chopped to high-a-way-away..
Or maybe she had faded golden brown … I don’t know
Cleopatra.!
Both death and past propaganda.
And I agree with myself now.. I was wrong. Propaganda is the keyword..…
My mood sets my personality
My likes in each phase immerse me positively, actively
Dominate my evolving existence
I am what I like
What I like is specifically me.…
It is very hard to remember where I’ve been in my dreams lately. It feels like I am doing the same thing in all the different timelines. I’m moving into a new beginning.…
I do not want to participate in this experience. I don’t want any of it I play the role of higher self as an observer and act accordingly.A life which is like this but exactly good and never bad.
So how can I salvage this lucid dream.I don’t know what to wish for.Anything but this. I don’t like it. I’m over it. I like being by myself please and thank you very much. Fear this fear that I can’t face or name.But this film is making me wake up صحصحي!…
Should I judge? As a higher self “higher consciousness” DP I must be like Jesus, and try walking in their shoes. How else will I understand what each of my multiple personalities are experiencing.
Of course as the power to be all at once is fleeting and I am instead lost and scattered between all my realities. That is what happens when i walk in their shoes. I am not connecting to the context and cannot act accordingly. My memory is encrypted and my remembrance process is firewalled in different degrees but mostly sever.
And because I am not them but a higher chance for a perfect Operating System I must find a way to override the old OSs and have control to read and write all the files of experiences of each of these characters, these possibilities of me, these important links like DNA. …
I suffer from psycho-techno slowness and weakness because I am back in time in an OS where there are many limitations and denied accesses.
Listen;
Mission Control:the starship I call from is the future of my own past.
The connection to you is very weak. I know you are there.
He -“I’ll look for you.”
She -“I’ll find the frequency.”
I was listening to binaural beats trying for the first to look for the frequency which worked for me right now. High gammas. The rest made me feel a little sick. But none of the stuff I have works for me. I do need to start making music.…
I don’t know what I am doing. I don’t know what I ought to be doing. I don’t know why life is happening the way it is happening. I don’t know who I am. I don’t know what I want. And above all, I don’t know why.
Feels like a transitional phase. But hasn’t our whole life felt like that.
I don’t have any answers for you. I’m more confused within myself- completely more so than the situation itself is confusing me. And it’s not just our situation, darling. But every other situation in my life right now. Confusion and tiredness and a dumb-luck faith which drives me to look forward to another day.
What can I tell you that I could tell myself.
I don’t know why your life is like this or why my life is like that. I don’t know why. Why didn’t we meet in the middle and go from there on together, like we promised eachother we will. I don’t know why our dream future did not manifest, not even a little. I don’t know how today a year ago is not like today right now tonight. Why all my ‘writings’ didn’t manifest. It might be something else that I’ve written ages ago. Weave of stories. Seemingly randomly joining. But we know that everything happens because it should. Supposed to. Right? It’s happening in all kinds of different ways in other realities. Parallel weaves of stories.
It’s like I want to show myself that I can be in the now.
It’s fine! (For survivals sake). No more fear. But that’s another story..
So, as I focus my body & it acts as if it knew what was going on, the mind which is lagging behind; (trying to sort out and list the why’s of which are obstructing that easy as a dream harmony within, within the body and the mind.
And the Soul awakens and you can lucid.
What is it in the end?
A reality within a reality within another.
So what’s then another?..
A reality of the supposed Now that of which the mind should and must be aware of,
Apply the opposite of, so to be in the Now.
Because, instead, my mind is occupied with an alleged Now,
Creating a parallel universe where I am waiting to see a future
Which is not mine.
But that is the curious thing.
That somehow, the alleged future, is the secret subconscious dream, where I dare to romanticise my local. To dare and see my country prosper. Plan my life here. Come back to the same place I swore before to escape from; dreaming of a place to plan my life from/-for.
Oh and the story goes on! ..
To awaken (perhaps) to my true identity,
For my mission to find me.
To dare for all my sleeping dreams to come true?
For all the conspiracies I lean close to, to be true.
The hidden reality
& My preferred reality,
My local reality,
And my dream land to be real.
With the impending annihilation of a race,
With space ajar..
The good and the bad and the ugly.
Accept it. How could I?
So what is the problem right now?
..
I always vaguely remember the principals but I know that I understand them by heart.
(For they have become a part of me. Fundamental points in the strategy to spiritually survive.)
What is the problem Now?
My heart and mind pushes my body to remember that I am high, so I can do it, & write.
But my mind is hollow and alone.
I feel sick. I’m tired of doing this.
What I want Now is to be with man who makes me feel good.
I want to be in his arms.
I want his arms around me, wrapping me with his protection,
His loyal adoration.
His body heat so warm,
Penetrating my clothes and my skin.
I want to be hugged by his arms,
So masculine for me.
Muscles and strength
Shredding my thoughts and protecting me from them.
Warrior sheild.
And his sword brings me to close encounter with myself.
Fulfilment.
Sensual satisfaction.
So good, it’s delicious.
And my body moves without the mind interfering.
(The mind is (unfortunately) asleep).
Oh how good it feels when my skin feels itself as his body moves with mine.
I got weed and I’m up on the roof, listening to my soundcloud. The song Cave is on. Brightly sunny but windy. I’m in my old high school jacket. It says on the back: You are what you should fear. It’s from a Marylin Manson song. I’ve started writing again in my book yesterday. Scenes, short and to the point. One from the reality of my heroin, another from my reality, the narrator. And so on. I think. And I miss you. I talked about us a little last night with Lina here on the roof. She was upset- asking me what do You mean to Me. I told her you’re my twin, and tried to explain where I think I am right now- in this life.. This reality. From the position of the narrator… She understands what I mean. My sister has been listening to my point of view in life since she could communicate. Probably since before my high school phase. The moon is almost full and last night was cloudy, a bit windy, and drizzly. When I saw the moon reappearing from behind the clouds I thought it would look magical. I caught it three times or so. I was living in Now. Taking a break from reality it seems and just explaining to my sister- my therapist- what I think is happening in the world from the prospective of my world. Two nights ago I was with my brother. I was telling him how much I like the position of narrator and joked about that they should give me a salary. And in my mind I prayed to them to help me keep me above the waters of realty. Because I really want and must do my job. They promise snow in a couple of days. …
The timelines are tangled. The past is tangled. I feel I’m organizing things all the time. I feel like I am always under the table, sorting messy cables out. I am good at it, I like it; knowing that I don’t always succeed because something strange influences me.…
I dreamt that I had pins stuck on my left hand and I was taking them out one by one. So painful. And I was thinking to myself in the dream, I have to change my old ways, cause they are dumb. The dream was about school, I was a student staying late with another girl student. I was cleaning the blackboard and taking out the papers and pins. …
I dreamt I found a baby uncared for in its crib, sleeping there with no mattress. Later I come back and see it still sleeping and I can’t believe she’s been like this for two full days. I decide to make it comfortable when she starts waking and guess what, she has sprouted a third eye in her sleep. She was intelligenter and could talk and I took her with me and was showing her to my family. Lina was the most excited one about it but they all were. …
I finally had awareness in my sleep tonight, although at the time I was sure that I wasn’t asleep.. But now I’m not so sure, maybe I was.
The title of today’s dream is ‘another failed attempt to lucid dream. I wonder wonder what’s wrong. But I’m so happy that I finally accomplished something and this is worth writing about.
Oh look at that. The Wright brothers are at it again. It looks like a cross. A gleaming bright cross in the sky. Makes me think of the Nuremberg painting.
Trails of treasure troves
Timelines within cycles
As above so below
Embedding stories in embedded stories
Scenes of one story
A tapestry of an Act in history
The untrustworthy myth
Between spirit and consciousness walls-thick
Inside elusive feilds of the subconscious time ticks
Collectively woven experiences, manually wired down
Anthology of Experiences and evolution
A set of characters…
Between the folds of darkness and light
Sound is spawning life.
Invisible skies clench my mind
They know I refuse to let go.
Expected mystery, stars start falling
But I can’t catch them all.
I let it go and it catches me,
We hover through Time as one.
Far fetched promises seeking my soul,
The lost and promised paradise.
not a soul spoke. not a soul spoke. not a soul spoke.
LB: JRT said ‘are we dreaming? Let’s wake up.’
I ask why you say that, she says because I want to stay with travi. She wanted to get on the train with you. TDK: I wish you felt the same as her…
LB: I love you my twinflame. I hope all our dreams come true. I hope that when we see eachother, the world would cease to exist. I hope we’ll love forever and be always together. And I hope this message won’t wake you. Sleep tight my sweet prince. Laila loves you.…
LB: I’m not a part of this world. I think I’m in a dream I had and left a few days ago TDK: You left the dream? LB: So much familiarity lost from this world. More detachment TDK: What is going on? LB: Nothing much. I’m half empty inside or something It can be good. It’s interesting Nevermind…
LB:
Something happened when I came.. I couldn’t stop coming.. I could see behind the veil, and it was exactly like I imagined it.. The twin energy.. The O which strips the soul to bare truth.
I had mini waves of higher bigger better o’s in a row, but more importantly, the feeling my heart and chest opening up and releasing.
I felt as big as the universe for a moment….…
I am the night, the eagle, the witch beneath these peachy silks. The flood is coming, I see it, Choose to run or to receive it. To relieve me, Be one with the uncertainty, From all around me, To within me. Revenge is ravishing.…
“A story of the impossible
..Make believe may be impossible to achieve
And really close”
I only need to remember that this is a dream
I am living in a dream
And when I go to sleep,
I try to wake up from dreaming
And control the dream
Where make believe is possible to achieve
This is a dream
I am capable of being myself
It is god given right here
I know that it is a dream
And I feel excited
All the possibilities…
Unconditionally compiling Persistently formulating in a conscious trance, someone else’s ruminations familiar thoughts Listen.. far away & beyond Oblivious to whom it belongs time to notice time souls transmogrifying between sighs Swelling, connecting ideas to actions Destiny, converting actions to reactions Parallel poetic justices Graceful abundant passion Born onto me inside a book I must write.. mute murmurs of inexplicable truth. Stunned,…
It’s strange that I don’t remember falling asleep.
While I muse my life away on that, I’ll write this.
While I muse, I’ll write this..
While I muse ..I’ll write this..…
There was once a situation where I couldn’t resolve my immediate desire, no matter what. The only thing I had left to do was- to give up. And because, there was no any-other there with me,
I had to give myself up to god. Not to the Gods, Ever since, a safe moment is a prayer I chant to myself, ‘My higher self saved my life.’
I don’t know what the situation was. I also feel that the situation doesn’t matter, in the end. What’s interesting most, is this: for one reason, or the other, my mind etches my spiritual monologues on its walls- at moments of clarity.
And why, does it do that instead of paint the emotion? Because emotions are scarce?–
I am quite sure the situation didn’t happen. But I also accept this fact that I hereby have evidence to prove it did.
At the very least I label it ‘memory’, and post it on my wall. It is beautiful. It will make perfect sense. What’s next..
Presence
With your presence- I labour to define, to grab a ghost, faint in form. I know exactly how you feel like, My shadow.. & where there’s no light, you are inside And your space interflows within mine, shines through me- Embraces my mute form— a form perfect to yours, Two from one mould.
My mind releases traces of movements coming by, The air around me enhanced, explicit, My ancient- insistent vibrations, Of memories, premonitions, wishful thinkings-
Of your presence moving, along side of mine.
Through a worn-out film, I almost see your ghost, Feel you stand there, behind me, In front.. Following me like the air, If I lay down, you lay,..
on top of me, or under my body, Longing for me, where ever I am.
To define a moment, as my body responds, To my invisible thoughts, in the back of my mind,…… I almost see you move, near my skin, almost touching me. I expect more, I pray more..
** *
Piano
I struggle to make the piano awaken and rise. A momentary fluctuation- I feel. I let it in.. I feel it here.. & there, Under my skin. I give it life,
Eroticism awakens, and nudges my sleeping soul, Senses heighten, My body slightly quivers. It feels like a slight touch, I say to me.
…I imagine your hand. I hear something, I look to my side,
And I see you in my mind, on the divine, cosmic screen.. You’re giving me the inspiration. I play the right notes.. And the piano unfolds a grand thought,..
Of your gentle thrusts.. Yes..
The energy you give me- guides my fingers, I try to make sound to the love we are making- Together,..
You guide me.. And I ride you.. Shhh.. It’s so slow …and always, All the way,
In & out— and deep, & Time is obsolete.
I can almost feel you. I can almost see..
As your warm hands, press my skin Holding me up, You are firm with me.. You gently grab my Life..
Raising me up, energising my coiled— thread You hold by my waste, I animate.. As I go up, .. And you,
pull me down, as you tenderly thrust.. Shhh..
The Presence, an aspect of you that I know.. – 10/25/13 11:59 PM / 4
It’s slow and we’re delirious. It’s dark and the stars are watching their own reflections. And they hear the piano rising with the coming rapture of light.. — And one moment, we succumb- Pausing the emotion.
We’re over the threshold,
We yield to sensation. Overcome by one another’s soliloquy, Entranced by our own sonatas.. My fingers leave the piano, As you hear it gasp it’s last note.. And as I hear the echo roll, Away then back unto me. I invite it in, The Energy, my gift to you. The moment of giving is the moment of receiving, As I come down As you thrust up, and we collide You’ll lock the key …. … .. Bringing paradise down to the ground, We slowly come down. And we sit still. Pushing our forms, inside one body.
Hard.. And deep So sweet.. The ecstasy!
..As I now rest my body and lean back on you, Disappearing into you. As both our hands, unchained from life,
Made the piano awaken and arise..
Eroticism (from the Greek ἔρως, eros—”desire”) is a quality that causes sexual feelings,1 as well as a philosophical contemplation concerning the aesthetics of sexual desire, sensuality and romantic love. That quality may be found in any form of artwork, including painting, sculpture, photography, drama, film, music or literature. It may also be found in advertising. The term may also refer to a state of sexual arousal1 or anticipation of such – an insistent sexual impulse, desire, or pattern of thoughts.…
The procession of the equinox is the limit defining us.
What is time? And how is it relative? And why wouldn’t it matter to the dimensional others in the universe? For us on earth it’s definitive.
What is time? And how does it limit us as an evolving consciousness? Can i assume i’d be able to stop ‘time’ in 5d? Why would i do that? Ultimately, my god is time…
Monkey and sweet potatoes in the Japanese islands phenomenon.
Result: to “save our souls”, we must hit critical mass in consciousness? or we must hit critical consciousness mass. Meaning, the ones who are spiritually awakened, must do what they are supposed to do, take responsibility of the (white lighter) and connect (convert, awaken) as many humans as the time left allows us too. Otherwise, will will never evolve if we never learn from the monkeys and the sweet potatoes. like the monkey, we have to wait for the previous generation to accept the new ways. …
I am walking with 3 other people whom i do not know. From that alone I concluded that the dream wasn’t really a dream. I was walking alongside a guy, my mate or something along these lines, and another couple. 2 women, 2 men. We were dressed like backpackers. I don’t know what we had in our bags, but it was all we needed to survive. Both guys were unshaven. I almost remember how my guy looked. And I am on the lookout for that face. I really expect to meet him one of these days. and i am sure he will recognize me as well.
There is absolutely no attraction between any of us.
The thing was this: we knew that every one of us was a real person living in this time on this earth. We all knew that this is a “dream” of sorts, and that we are sharing it all together in real time. And we all knew that we were summoned here.
I don’t know anything about the other couple, apart from that they are meant to stay together, almost in a procreating manner, as I and my guy.
Me and my mate knew everything about each other, telepathically. And I knew the same went to the other two.
We were on our way to meet a female. A commander. An extraterrestrial. Very very old, but very very young looking alien. That this will be the first time we actually meet her face to face. But now we know that she has been a part of us since the beginning.
We were walking up a hilly road, dusty. The light was so strange. it wasn’t night nor day, nor anything in between. This wasn’t planet earth. The place was more like a bridge between worlds or realities. And we were walking up to what i can only refer to a stargate, which we were not to use yet.
No one ever said a word. we were walking in silence, each absorbed in our own emotions and thoughts. And as our minds were open, we all knew that we were sharing the same feeling of excitement and nervousness. We all knew that this was it, at last, answers or better questions.
We stop at the entrance of the place where the stargate is located. the huge stone door was shut. we stood there, looking down and waited for her to appear.
She appears, presumably through the stargate. i remember heavy, long, flowing, light coloured robes. young but ancient and wise. i don’t know what happens. All i know is that we trust her, and she gives us the information we need to proceed. almost like a permission to proceed.
The next scene happens on the top of the hill. I am standing between two huge columns. It looked like a pantheon, wrecked, extremely ancient. millions of years old.
The people i came with have joined many others like us. They were all locked in practice mortal combat with each other. It is the only way. learn to fight. I wasn’t fighting with them. i was standing between two columns feeling guilty, trying to hide. I had no idea how to do what they are doing. Yet I knew that all i needed to do is decide, and my body will know what to do.
Yet I knew that it is silly of me to waste time like that, feeling guilty when i shouldn’t. i am not meant to fight. i am meant to do something bigger. that my “comrades” are not even noticing me or my lack of effort in “saving” the universe. i suddenly knew that i have to learn something about myself, to unlock my real role. and only then will they notice me and then they will look up to me and wait for my word.
IMG 0955
I move forward to the edge of the platform, overlooking the hilly road we treaded a while/days ago. and right in front of me is a surreal ocean. The light is so strange, and i think to myself i miss the sun. And i know that the sun is not meant to rise in this place, yet i still couldn’t help missing seeing it rise. I felt ancient all of a sudden., like i remembered who i was. but i don’t have a clue who that is. Lots of sun thinking and emotions.
it is here when i realise that i am on the other side of the water.
I have had so many dreams through the years of being on the other side of this water mass, trying desperately to reach the place I stand on now. i never manage to do it, obstacles and distractions, etc. stop me from crossing. Most of the times the water is the Dead Sea. I did cross the water once, to the green other side. but in this dream, there was no green. it was not the most beautiful place in the world where my body and souls begs me to take them to “die”, to finish this part of the quest. in this dream, it is a deathly, barren ancient battle ground, were the chosen ones are preparing to fight yet again.
What are dreams made for?
Note: I can’t even guess when this dream happened. This is a dream I never wrote down. I don’t feel the need to either.
I remember every detail as if it was programmed into my mind.
Forum
01-04-2013, 09:23 PM Country: Australia
we stop at the entrance of the place where the stargate is located. the huge stone door was shut. we stood there, looking down and waited for her to appear.
I’ve seen these ancient beings come through the stargate type portal a thousand times. It is they who send us here to this place that they call a school. They explain that the school is ruled by a negative governing force that aggressively prevents all beings from other worlds & dimensions from interacting with humans. This is why you are made aware that there is a battle taking place while you remain isolated from it & simply learn about yourself. . .The beings explain that we are each sent here with a loving consort who remains with us throughout life. They also explain that when we arrive here a number of other worker beings attach themselves to us & travel through life with us. They explain that we come from a liquid dimension & return there. This is why your journey ends when you reach the surreal ocean. . .Most people who are made to meet their consort in experiences like this believe that the consort is someone on earth that they will meet sooner or later, but the consort is already with each person on a deeper dimension & the memories of interacting with the consort are removed from the consciousness by the negative governing force that keeps other beings out of the 3D world. . . .One woman was being visited by grays every night & when she asked who their leader was they took her to meet a female aquatic creature who danced when she was brought before it. Scriptures including Genesis try to explain that our universe is inside a liquid dimension. The aliens often take people to worlds under water or they show people how aliens can survive in chambers filled with liquid. It’s all a way of showing folks that we all come from a liquid dimension that is all around us. . .To complicate things even further the beings explain that the school worlds are multileveled & souls are taken to each level where they have different abilities & learn different lessons. They also explain that a soul lives many parallel lives at the same time. . .So basically I believe your experience is to show you that you are travelling between worlds with a group of beings, one of whom is your loving consort, & you return eventually to the eternal female being who sent you here. She comes from a liquid dimension & enters this zone through a stargate type portal which is at your feet. That is why you are made to look down before she arrives from the stargate. . .If you make telepathic contact with the beings and get to know them they will come through the stargate while you’re awake & teach you everything you need to know. Usually they wait till the person is asleep before they come through the stargate type portal, and this is why so many people awake to find beings at the foot of their beds. However as I mentioned there is a negative governing force keeping humans from interacting with beings from other dimensions & worlds & so when you make contact you will encounter the negative force as well & be made aware of the difficulty the positive beings face in interacting with you. . .That is what I believe your experience was designed to teach you anyway
. #3
01-05-2013,06:30 AM Country: Jordan Originally Posted by Perfection It is they who send us here to this place that they call a school. They explain that the school is ruled by a negative governing force that aggressively prevents all beings from other worlds & dimensions from interacting with humans.
my question for now, why would they knowingly send us to a place governed by enemies, unequipped. I could go on, but i’ll keep it simple. .Thanks for your reply Perfection.
. #4
01-05-2013,06:23 PM Country: Australiawhy would they knowingly send us to a place governed by enemies
i suddenly knew that i have to learn something about myself,
i move forward to the edge of the platform, overlooking the hilly road we treaded a while/days ago. and right in front of me is a surreal ocean
It’s a case of souls being sent into a school world where the authorities aggressively keep family members & friends from the other realms out. You’re travelling with certain beings who care for your soul on a deeper dimension & they are being confronted by the authorities all the time while you are not. They are making it possible for your soul to be here but they cannot show themselves. Your task is to learn about yourself before you are returned to the liquid dimension. It’s a case of learning about good & evil & the correct use of power, before you enter the higher realms where you have great powers. The consort is one with you on a deeper dimension & keeps you connected securely to the source while you’re experiencing the illusion of being alone in this mortal realm. . .That’s what I believe anyway
. #5
01-06-2013,04:25 AM Country: JordanI’ve been throwing excuses left and right to make sense of the absurd world i’m forced into. today, i’d rather believe in this answer from “god”: oops, sorry. my bad. . .i believe in so many beautiful stories. but they are just that, just stories, to make me feel better. these stories change every hour.. i can’t even write anymore, cause it is just pointless. abandoned my book, my life. .i feel like i start my day when i have a good dream. so my life has been very short, and i am 31. so much wasted time. dealing with shit that i don’t even understand why i have to play along with. . .life is so pointless, therefor aliens.
. #6 Gerone@laila1981
Gerone@laila1981 – 01-06-2013,07:57 AM Country: United StatesHi, welcome to AU and thanks for sharing your amazing experience. I was drawn to everything you detailed. I usually don’t venture out and post comments outside my treads, however sometimes In rare occasion I do so.. What I sense of your experience is that it is all real and more amazingly it is something that is playing out in realtime in your body. I gather that you are genetically and mentally connected to your ancient ancestors and and in your sleep you journeyed into your own mind and experienced moments in time in which you genetically evolved through via your ancestry. . The reflections you experienced in your dream is a look into yourself, who you are, and a guiding light understanding for your cause and future destiny. My name is Gerone. I attached my imaged so you don’t have wonder if I’m that companion in your dreams.lol. Gerone.
. #7
01-07-2013,08:43 AM Country: JordanHi Gerone, thanks for joining my thread. .What about this genetic evolution or DNA activation that some base their whole beliefs around. Is it metaphorical? they talk about indigo and crystalline children. but is there scientific proof that these people are indeed different, genetically at the very, very least? . .anyway, the last few months have been very strange. .the last few weeks even stranger. .i will not go into detail, but will say this. it really feels like my waking hours have been contaminated, for lack of better word, with the state of dreaming. .it is becoming stronger everyday. i have even been experimenting with this new “reality” that i am in. and it just keeps reminding me of the state i am at while dreaming. and signs, lots of signs for me to follow (in my researching). . .for example, call me crazy, but it feels like i am in between dimension. my eyes are behaving strangely, seeing a clear veil intermingled with what we perceive as reality. it is there now all the time. the more i concentrate on not concentrating, the more i see. hard to say what it is that i see, but it was not there before. i don’t even have the will, drive or power to “snap out of it”. i’m too intrigued. . .my story is very long. i don’t think this is the right place to share my experience. .but just one little thing, a couple nights ago, i was lying my bed looking out the window at the stars. i was lying very still, trying not to concentrate on seeing the stars, when the room, the window, the bars on the window disappeared. and i was looking at nothing but the night sky. . .last night, i had the shutters down. i was lying in my bed staring at the ceiling, and i saw stars. .taken out of context, one may reply i am hallucinating, or psychotic. but as i said, this is out of context, and it feels like a change, not me being insane. . .i spend my whole time researching our origins and history. so much time spent on google sky, moon, mars, sky-map. .this change which began last year, has literally disconnected me from reality, from planet earth. and all i want to do is go home. out there. .i don’t recognise myself in the mirror. the reflection is changing daily, becoming younger looking, prettier, and i feel like we have nothing in common anymore. .all this aside, i feel more alone than ever, as the me i know has left. and i find myself feeling a presence around me, which was there 10 years ago, and now it is back. and i am trying all the time to make the presence more real. at least to feel safe. . .have you read my other post about the other dream i had? . https://www.alien-ufos.com/personal-…ens-dream.html
. #8 Gerone@laila1981
Gerone@laila1981 – 01-07-2013,07:51 PM Country: United States Originally Posted by laila1981 Hi Gerone, thanks for joining my thread. .What about this genetic evolution or DNA activation that some base their whole beliefs around. Is it metaphorical? they talk about indigo and crystalline children. but is there scientific proof that these people are indeed different, genetically at the very, very least? . .anyway, the last few months have been very strange. .the last few weeks even stranger. .i will not go into detail, but will say this. it really feels like my waking hours have been contaminated, for lack of better word, with the state of dreaming. .it is becoming stronger everyday. i have even been experimenting with this new “reality” that i am in. and it just keeps reminding me of the state i am at while dreaming. and signs, lots of signs for me to follow (in my researching). . .for example, call me crazy, but it feels like i am in between dimension. my eyes are behaving strangely, seeing a clear veil intermingled with what we perceive as reality. it is there now all the time. the more i concentrate on not concentrating, the more i see. hard to say what it is that i see, but it was not there before. i don’t even have the will, drive or power to “snap out of it”. i’m too intrigued. . .my story is very long. i don’t think this is the right place to share my experience. .but just one little thing, a couple nights ago, i was lying my bed looking out the window at the stars. i was lying very still, trying not to concentrate on seeing the stars, when the room, the window, the bars on the window disappeared. and i was looking at nothing but the night sky. . .last night, i had the shutters down. i was lying in my bed staring at the ceiling, and i saw stars. .taken out of context, one may reply i am hallucinating, or psychotic. but as i said, this is out of context, and it feels like a change, not me being insane. . .i spend my whole time researching our origins and history. so much time spent on google sky, moon, mars, sky-map. .this change which began last year, has literally disconnected me from reality, from planet earth. and all i want to do is go home. out there. .i don’t recognise myself in the mirror. the reflection is changing daily, becoming younger looking, prettier, and i feel like we have nothing in common anymore. .all this aside, i feel more alone than ever, as the me i know has left. and i find myself feeling a presence around me, which was there 10 years ago, and now it is back. and i am trying all the time to make the presence more real. at least to feel safe. . .have you read my other post about the other dream i had? . https://www.alien-ufos.com/personal-…ens-dream.html
I sense your sincerity in the way you passionately share you thoughts. You are in the right place to express your thoughts and channel all that is occurring to you. I found my way here with AU and have since been expressing myself on Youtube through my “Geroneification” channel. I’m with you and what is happening to you whereas I to on a daily basis is encountering a multidimensional sense of belonging somewhere different then that of which I’m presently am in reality. You seem somewhat still fresh within your experience/encounters whereas I have been evolving through mine for some four years now. After you adjust yourself to accepting the drastic change which is happening with you because of your experience/encounter you will begin to understanding it better and becoming comfortable to the point of having your life changed by it all. What is happing to you is coming from within and reaches out to connect to that which is outwardly. Corner your thoughts and question youself on a daily basis. Don’t be surpised when your questions becomes followed by answers or when you find youself being directed in areas of interest inwhich were not of your choice before, however, is now. When moments like these occur cease the moment and simply ask “why am I here?” What is it that you want me know, find or discover? It all helps a great deal, not just for you when you know that there are presences at guiding you are attracting your attention, but it’s also good for the presences too because they realize they chose the right a mortal that is up for the task of communicating with other dimensions of existences. If you embrace what it within you do it full time. Meaning speak of it to friends and family. What is happening to you is very special and you should ware it proudly and speak it loudly. Example: I’m on handsomely paying contract remodeling multiplex rental units. The owner whom pays me handsomely asked me the personal question relating to my past time activities. I directed him to my forums herein AU and my youtube Channel “Geroneification” We now discuss together all my discoveries whereas he has a interest in Renaissance Art and even travels to Italy to some of the places I discuss in my many videos and herein my AU treads. My point is I believe so much in myself and what I’m experiencing/encountering that I will speak about it all to anyone at anytime and even if it would cost me a fifty thousand dollar building contract. Four years ago I would have never attempted such a thing, however today a changed person completely and experiencing that bizzare multidimensional occurrence continuously I placing on bets on me to be at all times outspoken toward all that paranormally occurring with me. I encourage you to be the same way. . .About the genetics. I believe through my experience/encounter that just as computer technology has it that mass storage of informations can be saved or transfered it is the same way with our brains. It’s logical that our reproductive fluids such as sperm and blood which contain microbial life would also have brains that contain record informations of that of the larger body brain that such micro life exist or previously existed in. My point, The informations in our brains is the extent of all that through which lifeforms we evolved from past through to current. Since my experience/encounter, when I journey into my mind I can journey anywhere in which that of all the contributing creatures existed that caused for my becoming into existence. There experience and encounters are mine as well. My multidimensional vision is caused by seeing through the many eyes that caused for my creation. . .I must get back to my pet project..You are a genuine person and I wish you well. I will check out you other post, perhaps tomorrow. Gerone . . .PS. I failed to mention in the above that talking openingly about what is occuring with you does give relief of and more importantly makes room in your thoughts, whereas releasing old thoughts allows new to arrive. Be care care because there is this high anxiety level thing that frequently accompanies the paranomal occurrences. I would trade my abnomal new me for nothing in this world or out of this world. I’m in forever!
Last edited by Gerone; 01-07-2013 at 08:00 PM.
. #9
01-09-2013,07:18 AM Country: JordanHi Gerone, thanks for connecting with me. . .You know, when i voice what goes on in my head, when i try to describe it to others- face to face, i find that whatever it is that i am experiencing, disappears. i’ve noticed this a long time ago. and so, every time, i decide over and over again that i shouldn’t share, not yet at least. last night i did however, and guess what, i woke up this morning, and it’s evening already, and the day felt more or less “normal”, for the first time since last xmas. it feels like the presence(s) do/es not like me sharing. i think i am not “ready” to communicate with friends or family. but writing about it, like i am doing now, make the “feelings” come back, and thus i can strengthen them. so, that is what i have been doing. writing. the more i write, the more the “fantasy” becomes reality. . .i call it abandonment. and i have felt abandoned so many time after talking out loud about it. there were really long periods of depression and silence. .i do want to share how it started though, and i am very interested to compare notes with you. it was very pleasurable reading your reply, specially when you were trying to analyse my experiences. i love listening to things that are about me. . .one day in 2002, my life flipped upside down. i saw the universe, what’s inside it and what’s around it. i saw them all, the colours the shapes the meanings, keywords like infinite, consciousness, oneness, “god” or source and why me were the themes. the experience i had changed me, but also labeled me with a mental disorder, which tainted the divine i felt and labeled “god” as a manic episode, and i ended up in an institution against my will and was forced to take prescription drugs for 5 years, which totally killed my soul. . .everything i wrote down, was taken away from me. and i will leave it at that. . . .10 years later, in 2012, it happened again. but this time i decided to keep it a secret and rode the wave alone. i felt an energy guiding me and connecting me to understand my origins, and i saw much much more than i did in 2002. .i took a break from writing to you and went to read what i wrote when it was happening, but i couldn’t understand it at all. and i was thinking, maybe that is what channelling is. seeing ideas. it was all about ideas, new ones. coming from no where. .i heard the music of one particular universe. i was conducting it. literally. .one time i was singing 4 songs in my head. no glitches, no wrong notes. like four different roads running alongside each other, never crossing paths. same was happening to my thoughts. i felt like my mind was a machine, and i could think of various things at the same time, and follow the thread of thought without getting lost. and while all this, i was aware that this is happening, and i was bemused and excited. i thought i will never end. i thought i will never go back to being a one thought at a time machine. almost all of the thoughts were based on quantum physics, something which i never knew even existed. and when i started cross-referencing what i have heard in my mind, i realised that it was the stuff of Einstein and nasa. all that came from the research was the terms and the keywords that described the information i have “seen”. not only that, but i also was either agreeing with the scientists and their theories, or disagreeing with them, and most often i found that they have a reached a dead end but i knew what followed. .i was at that time talking to one person, who is 55 years old, and he was listening to me thinking out loud with his mouth open and eyes scared. he kept saying to me over and over again that he never saw a mind working so fast. .all of this was happening while i was deeply working on my book, a non-fiction fiction book. and the information made my book explode into frontiers i was not aware of. i cannot for the life of me understand a word i wrote, when i was translating the thoughts into words. . .the burst of energy went away and left me with so many answers and questions that kept me going through the year, up until today. .all i want is for that energy to come back and stay put. . .i am writing this awkwardly now just to get it out of the way. this reply has taken me more than 24 hours, and i will just press submit.
. #10
01-10-2013,03:10 PM Country: United StatesYour entry here brings me to mind of a movie I was drawn into watching because it was based on a true occurrence and it related to the Vatican. “The Exorcism Of Emily Rose” is the name of the movie. Emily Rose killed the priest whom were performing a unauthorized exorcism on her. She had a young daughter whom was placed in foster care as a result. Fast forward. The daughter grows up and begins to investigate into the events as to why she was taken from her mother and her mother whom was first in a mental hospital in there country had now been moved to a Vatican mental hospital in Rome. After several years of red tape the woman was allowed to journey to rome to see her her mother. The woman questioned the head Dr of the institution why was it that her mother was now in Rome and the Dr. responded that the Vatican take special interest in certain cases. I seemingly understood what the special certain cases were. It had to do with what her mother experienced in her head and recounted in the form of art on canvas. her mother was kept in supply of art supplies and a artist painting board. Keep in mind that the Vatican overseen the Renaissance Art era which I have now exposed for underlying images that references our creators and genetic contributors. A grail describing how mankind was created. Prior to the girl leaving her mother the mother pulled down her own lip to expose a cross which was carved into her bottom lip. That demonstration by the girls mother convinced me that she understood that she was crossed referenced and she was held by the vatican in interest for the unique gift she held. Back in ancient times the vatican labeled you as a heretic. Today a mental patient. However, never the less they have a special interest in special such cases as that which is described within the above mentioned real movie events. My point is that by the the Vatican having a long standing interest in so called mentally disturbed persons. There must be a logical explanation for the vatican’s interest. I say it is through the called mental ill state of mind that one achieves multidimensional sense of awareness which is similar to that of near death experiences wherein people recount spiritual upliftings. Gerone.…
is it true is it twisted and censored thoughts intercepted am i hacked am i fed why would i lie is it strange i let it out what is this secret brewing within the cracks of my heart why would i say that…
we accept the exchange. we’re waiting for you manifest under our skin, take anything that is offered.” “show off to the unknown.. exhibiting what the body can be desperately surrendering.. wantingly. aware, aware moving in a trance naked flesh, on warm blood, my passionate overture to passion incarnating, drunk on your allure.. a lucid high under to above falling give it back. take it. sensuality offered.. immense. consumed by sex stunning i am stunned you are an inexplicable truth,.. a mute murmur inside a book i am trying to birth.. our lineage our blood decent origin secret whispered inside our minds born onto us graceful generous a passion, a justice poetic swelling, creating from nothing birthing events from a runaway thought feel it our souls transmogrifying between the sighs each and every sigh it is time to notice.. oblivious to whom it belongs.. far away & beyond.. moans whispers listen…
I woke up really thirsty at 6 am, to realise that i have just been in a very very good dream. However, i didn’t get angry that i had woken up, i knew that i had already taken what i have secretly desired, and accepted being awake. There were at least 2 moments in the dream, Where i stood my ground. Where something was happening, Something i want to happen, Something i sometimes dared to wish for to happen, And it did, And i dove in, head first, to fight for it, To stand my ground. I was confident, not a speck of fear, And i enjoyed the consequence with every beating cell n my body, I savoured the moment of victory, All with the presence of awareness that others are disagreeing and are forever holding me under their control, just because i feared their disappointment and anger.
**
There were 3 stories
I THINK Sami
Rami Shuabi. I remember just one point. I was doing it with him
Fadi:-
The Fadi story is beautiful I am in my room Sunny outside I am standing in the middle My bed was the way it was when Fadi came to visit me long ago. I turn around and I see him standing there in my room None of us say a word He is especially quiet His eyes speaking out to me He doesnt move I do I come close to him My body touches his And I rest my right cheeck on his right shoulder He then embraces me for a long time I feel I am saying to him forgive me And I feel his embrace saying I forgive you We dont talk We stand like that for a long time I am feeling extremely happy Relaxed Safe Thankful I really miss him and love And I genuinely basque in his forgiveness I love the moment Next Somehow I am in the bathroom looking at the mirror He appears behind me And I am reminded that I did this literally the previous day (gerone, sink scene) So I must have known what was coming And I might have felt thankful that gerone “created” this Cuz I know what will happen And I wanted it to I am feeling so much love for my Fadi So he is standing behind me And I see him in the mirror I do not move And he doesnt either We both look at the mirror, at each other And then he makes the first move I knew I wouldn’t Otherwise I would need to ask for his forgiveness again When he makes the first move I feel extremely relieved And extremely turned on His lips touch my neck from the right side I instantly close my eyes And my sexuality and sensuality is heightened to painful proportions I cannot and will not make any selfish move I let my body be controlled by his decisions I give him the control So I feel his soft mouth, pressure on my neck And my whole body moves like a song towards the right Pressing against his lips To feel the maximum I can This was a moment which last for a couple of glorious minutes He was kissing my neck slowly With undying and hungry and cautious love Kissing my neck up and down on both sides As slow as it should be It was perfection And I was feeling it all I was in desperately in love with him The door was open And my family appeared All by baba Mama was saying things like what are you doing You cant do that.. Something beautiful happened then We both stood there Just the way we were before being interrupted We both looked at these people And I said In a calm and resolved voice To leave us alone I said a few thing They sounded the right things to say And I had the right attitude No fear None at all I knew I was right They were wrong And that I did not need to convince them of that It worked I dont remember what that means, Maybe they disappeared But that was it, between me and fadi Cuz next, I go to baba’s room Who was lounging on the floor by his couch With papers and files around He knew what I did, was doing And he started speaking with anger When I leaned low to his body And without a trace of fear !!!!!! Looked him in the eye And said really clever things to him About leaving me be Perhaps stop judging me for you have no idea who I am and why I do the things you hate And that I will not explain to you why or what You just step away And never do it again. I was calm I knew I was awesome I saw his eyes How they changed How he panicked That I am not afraid of him anymore And I left him there And went away Thinking to myself:
The truest picture of myself is the photo taken unaware.
If I was caught off guard, would I look shocked or shamed?
Is it horror or hate?
Everyone is watching me. I’m so not used to it. Everyone is invisible.
God should be in a zoo, a temple; so we can all watch him. He’s there. And we know everything about him.
He never sees us. He is permanent. #Touchbase…
I was sitting with Rupert and a man in a cafe. It sometimes felt like an interview. He was speaking to R I was thinking, I wish I was on a “clever” high I want to say something that will blow his mind But I seek his attention with a bored fashion.
In his conversation, he turns to ask me what I think, The question is hard to remember But the answer was simple. I said “telepathy”.
He was blown away by me, Cause I was completely silent before. My head was in my right hand, Sitting in a bored manner But panicking as usual inside.
I say telepathy and then explain after a pause in a very well articulated manner, in one sentence, which I wish had written down during the night, It goes something like, ‘the only way for that to happen is when we get our telepathy back.’
“I believe that telepathy is coming back in my lifetime, that’s why I can wake up tomorrow”.
-from Recording on the dream journal app.
I am not sure when the fat, bolding man starts speaking hebrew, Maybe on the journey to Jerusalem
A very short walk we arrive at a market And I see a very pretty Nadia and Lina sitting in one of the stalls, not selling anything They appeared like muses. Buses in a row
Stalls selling toys and things We keep going to the town An alley with cafes At the mouth of the road there was a fence A few people were sitting there Someone selling parrots Big ones, green and yellow and white The seller tells me to take mine And the cockatoo jumps on my shoulders I freak out It’s claws digging into me It speaks to me after they calm me down But I don’t remember what it says
Yet I notice that this is the second time I see a cockatoo But I don’t notice it is a dream Nor that the first one was either
The cockatoo perched on a metal hanger Is suddenly is wearing clothes Full body in black leather And old and matted colourful beads I want to take a picture of it My iphone is white not black And I think later it disappears.
Maybe it was then when I panic and ask the jews around me to find my phone Someone says that the shop (abu ahmad) or something like that is closed already I have to wait till tomorrow, or after the weekend. Though maybe this happened later…
Image found 2021
Cafe
Sitting with the bolding guy and others. Thinking to myself wow, I am with jews and I have no problem with that. I feel bored and stupid again. Thinking about smoking something clever.
Bathroom upstairs in the other cafe, leaving with no underwear, and showing off my carelessness
3 Elas or Elies, that’s why I had to change my name to laila, I am the third. NICE girls. Trying to make me stay. Passed them to tell the owners I need to leave. Second bunch or girls were nasty, one said something horrible so I replied biiiaaatch, suka! Then ask the owner for my phone? Or asked him where is the first bolding guy who disappeared I wanna go home (bcuz of baba) The other owner says I can help you and start arranging, but I say I don’t know you, why should I trust you. I end up leaving by myself. -Night sky, meteor -Flying, white sheet 26, or 126 in bold black floating in the sky
It’s the third day, I should have been back yesterday, baba…
Back to the market, which looks exactly the same. Proud of myself to have found the way back. Busses, indians and gypsies selling stuff I want to take a picture of the toys to show someone, mama or uu or nadia.. Nadia and Lina waiting in the same place Looking immaculate Like seers..
Feb 13, 2015
P.S: It is strange that I don’t mention, or don’t include this other dream where I believe I am at the same galactic spaceport. Ok I don’t even do that. That is very strange. Because That is where I was. This cafe is in an airport place and everyone there is going somewhere. It doesn’t not feel like a part of a land/planet. When the jew escorted me to a lift size and type of capsule, we were heading to jerusalem. The process of travel just happens. Instantaneous. I also believe that at the end of the visit to this jerusalem, I knew I was three days here and that I am or could get into trouble with my father.
This other link, or dream, I am going to the right direction, following somebody I believe, while looking sideways and pausing As the line infront stalls. I see people, or men, but they feel like they were in chains somehow. Maybe not literal. And I am maybe pitying them out of compassion, because I am VIP, or with someone Who is, and so I am too. The focal idea is that there are travelers who seem to me to be stuck at the no where place spaceport.
White and orange uniforms. But I am not terribly sure. Because I associate this with the other dream, Where I am showing an observers perspective of a scene of 5 uniformed as such people. Mixed sex. And the idea was that recording (understanding) the ‘experience of I’, is important for it also Solves other’s knots. (In timelines perhaps). I was shown this by a grey. I never did write the dream down But I have a drawing of the scene. Table, a man is sitting, emerssed in his ‘tablet’ and perhaps four others Around him, waiting, maybe anxious, worried. I should have written it down fresh. But hey, I never forgot it. When the man has his Eureka2, the rest huddling around him and it takes them a moment to ‘get it’ After looking at the tablet, before starting walking away busy with their own tablets? Or just thinking, or holding something.. Maybe he was even showing them a ‘video’, the results of his ‘life’.…
I’m in a labyrinth. A multi-story building. I am constantly walking away from distractions. I dream of this place regularly. It has everything within. Hospital, school, university, stores, offices.A self-sustainable city in one complex. Thousands of people live here. It might more likely be a spaceship rather than a building. It’s a round ‘city’.
Things, people, temptations try to distract me to take other dream paths. But this time I have a drive to get outside of this place. I am focused on this. This drive comes suddenly and happens very rarely. A lucid thought to change my path. It is like a remembrance of why I am here in the first place. I am here to get out. Usually, in this dreamscape I get lost within the maze of the city. I am oblivious that it is a dream. And this place is not a very nice place to be in. The feeling of being constantly watched and controlled and played with is unbearable.. And I feel like I am the only one (in the dream) aware of it. Others are but characters in a story. In this particular dream, I’m successful in getting out of the building. I ignored everything and everyone in my way. Standing outside the door, I see something familiar: a bridge, connecting the city to the outside. Like a long wide corridor, and open skies above, with low walls on both sides. I saw hypnotized people going in and out of the gate. I end up at the street outside and go to a new place that is unfamiliar.
Setting: Resembles Stockholm’s Gamla Stan area (which literally means: old town.) The Swedish royal palace is located there. But in the dream, I did not know where I was. It was a new place.
(found this in 2018)
Suddenly I see that I have in my possession a wheelchair. It’s not an ordinary chair. i know that it is a device which can change things. I suddenly become aware that what I need to do is to try to fly (again). I thought that if I want to go forward, I need to go back first and fix my flying problem. I have stopped trying to fly many years ago. Because every time I tried, I got tangled up in electrical wires.
I sit on the chair, it moves me forward because I wanted it to. Suddenly a new plan comes to me: the only way to fly is to remove the wires. Remove the grid. And the way to remove those cables is to go back in time. A time before the wires were put up, before electricity was invented. I was very sure of myself. i telepathically communicate with my computer chair, and just like that- magic happens, and the scenery around me morphs elegantly and perfectly. think best visual effects in motion.
from: Lucy (2014). Found this in 2017
the attire of the people walking by transforms into older fashions. the shops and buildings do the same. even the wires above the square i am facing change. but they are still there. i instantly realise that it is working. that i am going back in time. and no one is noticing the change. I even ponder, am i taking these people back with me, or are they mere characters in a game which i am manipulating. i do it again. i mentally decide to go further back, and it happens again and again. the street changes, all modern looking things disappear, and the old town becomes what it used to be. women in big puffy dresses, hats and umbrellas. men in top hats and suits. children wearing shorts playing with sticks and hoops. but the wires are still there. they look different but still there. i keep doing this again and again. i cannot believe that everything is changing but the wires are still there, albeit changing as well. I then start going back only in decades. and i am bemused. the sky is never free of the entanglement of technology that does not want to go away. Even when the street morphed into it’s 1700’s state, the wires were there. less, thinner. but there. i could try and fly and i knew i wouldn’t get tangled up, but my mission was to abolish them completely. i reached to a point where i could not change anything anymore. and then i saw something new that i hadn’t noticed before, and i realised that these things must be the reason why i can’t manipulate time anymore. i saw three 0.5×1.0×1.0 m metal boxes lying on the ground. they looked very heavy. impossible to move an inch. they were laid out suspiciously in a diagonal fashion away from each other. they fell from somewhere long before and lay abandoned in a street corner while a couple of boys played close by. these were huge computer bits, relics. i got the feeling that the people knew about them, and many others like them scattered about. i also felt like everybody was hypnotised to ignore them. these objects, have something to do with the cables, the grid, and that they are here because of some ancient war, up in the sky. i had this thought while watching the boys play very closely by the objects.
Somebody else has control over my body. See? Just like in a dream. Pray for peacefulness, and let someone else control you. Have faith and believe it is ok. ‘It will be great’, you’ll see; cause I’m so bored. I don’t want my body anymore. It’s a burden; like the price for a wish made with good intentions.…
I wish I could lucid dream. … I wish I could awaken from life. … Am I dreaming? Is this a dream? This is a dream. It must be a dream, It has to be. I want to believe this so much. Narrate in the first person, I want to lucid dream.…
Feelings of surrender and sexual heights
The guards tell on us
The king is ashamed of me
I never see his face
I feel my betrayal
I see images of myself being dragged by my extraordinarily long gold hair
Through the mud in public
And the hair piece falls off showing my real hair, shoulder length blond and tired
here, I wish that next they would exile me to walk the land,
Humiliated, nothing on me but the muddy torn royal dress I have on
PS from future:
*Assembling * *hundreds of thousands worth of years * *then suffering disconnection from it all* *documenting what remain conscious * *but the assembled library will be swollen by fire* *ravaged fragments of a reminiscence survive * *and so the research goes on* *from scraps once more* *more hardcore. *
What is there left of the truth? Whatever piece of vague or mysterious puzzle that men of powers have in possession is a sad token of what is left of experience. Of my work.…
It was a new thing. Long. Very long. Very coherent. Very realistic. The only dream thing that happened was the elevator behaving like a shuttle.
Element: I had a pink cockatoo. I loved him. It starts in Jido’s big living room.
And that is funny by it self, as I told myself when I am in jido’s living room (the tv room) I want to realise I am dreaming. So instead, the setting shifts to the other living room. I guess I have to lucid dream myself with anything to do with Jido. Cuz he was another element. I saw him sitting on the roof, with a friend. And then through our kitchen window, with my family on a table by the window. This I saw as the elevator went diagonally, with me, Loai and 3 other guys. And I was aware of seeing jido and that he was watching me. I also checked if baba is seeing me go off with Loai and the guys in the crazy lift, but he was sitting on the far side in the kitchen with jido (yes) and did not notice me. And I said it is fine. Baba doesn’t know. I am not so sure how the dream begins. But I will describe the cockatoo scene. In the other living room. There is a cage. A very small one I notice later on when I say to probably Nadia that the bird needs a cage. A big one. Then I notice he has a cage, but it is tiny. And open. A round metal ring that he sits on. I have a little remote control. And I am demonstrating to her probably, and to myself, that I cannot take care of my bird. Look what I do, unintentionally. And I press a button, and I don’t know, the bird is sitting on a fish bowl and the button makes the solid invisible surface rotate, so the bird goes under water for a moment. Gets wet, and I worry that he will drown. I see it happening twice. And after that I think I say that he needs a proper big cage. The bird is pink or light red. Probably from the game I have been playing Happy Street. You pluck a red feather every time the bird flies by in the forest. And the word feather or feathery is uttered in the dream. I realise the bird is a cockatoo and he speaks just like one does. I feel connected to it and love it. Later on, I put on a black leather long glove on my right hand for some other purpose, when the bird flies to my shoulder and then perches on the glove happily as if belonging. So whatever the reason of the glove was I forget and the glove is the bird’s new home. We talk. And he is voicing the words clearly. I don’t remember what he says, or even if he is just repeating what I say. But in the dream, I guess I had some level of awareness that it is a dream, and I think to myself, wow how coherent this bird is. I cannot forget his words. But I did.
Loai
I am walking somewhere between the 3rd and 4th circle. On the Khalidi side but close to the 4thc road. I walk there sometimes in dreams. It is evening but very light. Quiet. Not a lot of houses, the lands are open and I feel nice. When a car pulls over, and I see that it is Loai. He looks really good. And whenever I am around him I know that I am cool, as in very confident, and very successful in personality. Next I guess we are in my house, and we are going inside the lift. 3 other guys.his friends. I don’t know what he does, but I say to him don’t do that, otherwise the lift will shake and act crazy. When it happens, the lift growls and shakes and I worry that it will tumble down, but instead it zooms “diagonally” and flies through the empty land behind the house. This is when I see Jido on the roof. He’s very happy. Entertaining a friend. He sees me. Smiling. Sitting on a white pool chair. It is very light, but is evening. No sun. The lift hasn’t acted in this (usual) way in many years. So that’s different. The lift lands gently on the road behind the house and we get off and walk to the end of the street to the left. We enter the house. I think its L’s house. Inside is lovely, loads of people. Mostly family members like Amo Ghaith Najjar, Taghreed (whom I saw yesterday at Zara Kids Expo) and Rima Najjar. The Najjar kids were there too. Eveyone is happy that I finally made it there. They want me to stay and be with Loai Dahleh. And all of his friends so too. I say to Taghreed/Rima if you want me to stay and I want to, you must call baba and tell him that I am with you now. That is the only way. She says yes. And I feel so happy and thankful and thank her and hug her. I move on outside. I see Loai. I feel very drawn to him. It feels very right. But it is very strange too, I think he is there all the time. I don’t remember most of it now. Scene Lots of friends. I hear a familiar voice, and I look and see Ali Awedah talking to 2 girls on my right. Either I say it out loud, or telepathically, but Ali looks at me the second I realise I know the voice, and his eyes are appreciating I feel happy to see him. I shake hands with him or something smilar. But this triggers the (friends) to tell Loai that I am cheating on him. It made more sense in the dream. I go after L outside and I am overly confident and awesome. He says that theres nothing I can do or say, and I wasn’t intending to I tell him just come here We lay our backs on a wall or something, or maybe a car seat, and we gaze at each other and I win him over. I think it was telepathic. He understood that I am the one, and Ali is not the one. But this happened in the end. The gaze was interrupted by me waking up. Also, I did wake up somewhere in the middle, and chanted Loai Dahleh over and over to get back to the dream, and I did. But I have lost all the other encounters with him. Which were many. And beautiful.
The bird follows me perching on my black gloved arm as I go in and out of a car.
It is strange that I dream of L in his present image. Strange I didn’t dream of him with his glasses on, tall skinny nerd from school. How did his present look get imprinted in my mind so hard that I saw him exactly as above in the photo. When I look at him I feel love and trust.
I woke up and I am feeling different. Serious. Strong. Big. Mama said don’t you dare go into my room to smoke. It is not fair. (Babushka and no smoking zone) I looked at her and said I am not playing the game. 7ili 3anni. Im sitting here and smoking.…
Why must I remind myself I am dreaming Why must I remind myself to relax Why am I on edge every single minute Why can’t I be me, like the rest of these idiots. Why am I unconfident restless nervous
My mind runs on nothing Where has the enlightenment gone Where has the self-riotousness disappeared to Am I panicking because there is the other looking at me Expecting something from me Are they expecting me to be perfect or am I Are they expecting to see flawless beauty or am I Are they expecting to hear poetry and wisdom or am I Are they expecting to leave as a better person …
Late morning, going in and out of sleep while J was cuddling with me for more than an hour, One of the dreams was in Jido’s tv room (old setting, as usual). Everything went vague and blurry, brown and dark. I was in front of the tv wall, no furniture. I knew it was a dream suddenly, and I also said out loud ‘I can lucid dream’, many times. I waved my hand upward to dissolve the brown blurry wall, but nothing happened. I did it a few times knowing that it should work, still aware that I am dreaming and not understanding why nothing is happening. What would do that? What would block me like that? There was no fear, I was aware I was dreaming, I was aware I can lucid dreaming, I tried to magic but nothing happened.…
Plane, “terrorist attack”. Lulu. even the image of lulu the filipino yoga woman. In a strange place, a part of which is an airport. I am walking with a man i think, going outside where the planes are parked close together like cars.
Through huge wall windows i see the planes. I somehow know that one will explode, or something along these lines. Almost as if i am inside the job. one plane starts backing up slowly and i think 2 small explosions happen. Nothing dramatic. But the plane keeps going backwards, gently hitting the building. Some people here and there, i like saying to them “terrorist attack”. I am outside, on my way to the left of the building. Trees, little patches of garden. Some people here and there all going to the same destination.
I arrive at a huge cafeteria. A very long table, the people were asking what was that, i again say “terrorist attack” and i play with the pronunciation and it is fun. Maybe someone asks me why i am here. I feel i know so much more than anyone else about something. A general feeling.
I tell them i am looking for my daughter, or maybe i say i am looking for my children. Then a group of children come to me. the eldest boy is 12 and the youngest is a new born. I remember the two year old baby girl as well.
In total perhaps 7 children. They all share the same look, not very pretty, arabic gene. I feel it in my bone and feel guilty. These are my children. I carefully touch or peck the eldest’s cheek, and the ones in the middle. They all look at me with love and embarrassment that they are not “pretty”, hoping that i will love them anyway. I get lost by this and turn to the little ones. I pick up the new born. He is so tiny. I pick him up carefully yet he is uncomfortable and is ready to throw up. i try to hold him differently. Then the little girl catches my attention, and i feel love for her. i feel she wants me to pick her up too. and i plan it and end up carrying both babies in my arms.
I think next is when i go and search for uu I seem to have left her at a drop off play place. After a while i find the children. Shelves of children. It went on and on. it didn’t feel weird at all. I stopped at the very last “shelves” and must have said where is my daughter, She answered me, here i am, and she was on the top shelves. Much older, about 6 or 7. awkward face. I picked her up lovingly.
There were people who were supervising the kids, entertaining them with songs, Like from the video my first album. I also picked up julia’s pink piano keyboard, and it was making noise. I turned it off. The woman came to me angrily and said we have to leave now. she is almost done with her work. Half an hour left. 6:30?? I get angry and firmly tell her no, i paid, we will stay. The piano is off. She leaves us be.
18.04.13
Next day, liza bajj’s husband is dead. I see the picture of her eldest daughter. Beautiful girl. I connect with her like i did years ago (fb pics). I think maybe it was her on the shelf, and not my daughter.…
It was impossible to stop myself from going over what i have written the last three day. Every time I would say, right just send this bunch of, I kept wanting to edit and organise to make your life easier, then I stopped myself, so here you go, I don’t really know what’s in those papers. I didn’t reread. I have a good enough software meant for organising writing projects. It’s called Scrivener. And i usually try to stick to the chapters and the folders I’ve created on the dashboard, but I had to take away the new experts away, and merged them into one documents to send of. I also added a few things towards the end, I think, from previous sessions, so you can see a bit from the first book cause most of the new work is for the last book. I keep going back, breaking everything I know down to basics. So the last book to me is the beginning of the idea, the creation, However, it may read to you as the creation happening during god, Lucifer Adam and Eve. But I think I am going to put that canon in the previous to last book. Separate the two stories. So you might get mixed up because I use the same character names.…
bird suspending itself in the air
parachute wings
flapping three times
suspending time
reversing time
feathering back in time
spreading her majestic wings
darting downwards like a hawk
There is no other
there is no other but me in this whole world
i am alone
i think of only me
i listen to my thoughts and that alone
i log everything my host experiences,
physically, emotionally
i do not separate the three
my thoughts control my emotions and my body
a thought creates possibilities consciousness created itself to experience it self
cannot be in harmony with energy of the other without being whole first
collateral damage is not an option
“these wars they can’t be won,
do you want them to go on and on and on
why plot these states when there could be only one!
must we do what we are told
these wars can’t be won,
does anyone know or care how they’ve begun
they just promise to go on and on and on” — Muse
in this reality i cannot be
in my dreams i cannot be
it is only in a conscious dream i remember what i can achieve
not a god given right to lucid by default
unaware of the power of subconscious dream
can’t express my mind and soul using mere language
psychedelics help knock down walls in my conscious
not only do i want what others successfully achieve when activating their consciousness
i also want the harder to achieve reward
to tap into my subconsciousness
i want to play level 1 and 2 at the same time
but i’m repeating the same level i just want the truth
who am i
and why am i here
what is this life for
what is reality
what is real reality
what came first
and what made one into two
how did the unknown realize to know
how does the womb create life
how does consciousness happen
subconsciousness communicated directly with consciousness
the result of a high charge of self-awareness
filling me with bliss and acceptance
consciousness injected with the elixir of life
touched by divine intervention
evolution
game of life on pause
now is time out
space, open up new universes
show me secret bonus levels
wisdom experienced with senses, humbling
magnified self awareness
and the thirst to know more
to know everything
energy surplussing all over me
washing me
dimensions change
frequencies change
the other disappears
not a single fear or worry
the other is me
knowing myself
in love with what i am
the only safe place i know
the mirror talks back
whispers in my mind
i see wisdom in how things work
i know why they are.
cause my mind is a radio
i hear all the station together at once
torrents of information downloading
ideas and thoughts flood my consciousness
nothing lost, nothing forgotten
nothing skipped nothing confused
communication, networks
proposing existential questions,
because my life depends on it
brain racing
level after level, more is activated
busy thoughts creating explanations
bare and deliver orgasmic reactions
spectrum of pleasurable probabilities
universes upon universes of possibilities
i am present in each one
i skip from a fairytale to another one
spreading the wholeness illuminating within
every thought is written down
songs, for unspeakable thoughts
camera confessions
psychoanalysis
diagnosing state of progress
being everywhere all the time
willingly, hopefully
reporting to play roles of mother, daughter, wife, business owner,
the new hot thing in town.
we haven’t talked for a couple of months,
he says i ignored him, i say he ingored me
we smoke, and something happens
for the first time, what is around me morphs into a different setting
just like a dream
i am in my dad’s old office
and i am abundantly aware this is happening.
terrible and overwhelming power tampering with my consciousness
reality and nonsense bombard me
worries i do not believe in
unnerving cells under my skin.
internal thought process about
how undifferent this is from dreams
battle of consciousness i undergo in the state of dreaming
is like battle of subconsciousness i’m experiencing now
both cases i’m saying the same to myself,
remember i am dreaming, right now
lucid dream
lucid reality it is possible to live my way wake up from the dream,
live the way i want.
When you define the power elite as somebody else, I regard that as a loser script. I define the power elite as myself and my friends, and that’s a winner’s script. —Robert Anton Wilson
2 nights ago, I have read about lucid dreaming And detached layer mind that from a normal dream Yesterday I had a normal dream And I hated having it Tonight I had a normal dream But it is stuck with me
Dream:
I was standing at the kitchen door in jido’s house This is one of those dreams were my family lives there My father was outside Others And some family behind me in the kitchen A ferocious dog appears Big He comes at me And starts biting my thigh, or my chest It doesnt hurt But I am scared But not really I am calling to my father who is watching And I am asking him to get rid of the dog We probably were running away from something before And almost hid in the kitchen I think when I saw the light brown dog I closed the metal door But it opened it before I shut it Later The dog has morphed into a man I am in farah’s bed With the man He is powerful and no one measures up to him I am his prisoner, in a sense He is lying in the bed And I am so very attracted to his power and evil I am moving my body to entice him Begging him to touch me with my thoughts He gets angry and orders me to stop it But I am not afraid of him It feels like I am the only one who is not And I want him to touch me The thing is Peter Petrelli is also there We are supposed to be together He is on a seprate bed on the front right And he is under a spell He cannot come to me Or do anything He is frustrated and angry And the dog man is unwillingly perhaps casting a sex spell on me Or I am feeling his magic without him planning on it It breaks my heart that I want this man to touch me while my peter is right there But I cannot think about anything else I actually want peter to see the man touch me I want them both to So I am moving in such a way And the his hand touches my vagina I dont think he meant to But I moan and get high of it and want more He gets angry at me He can hurt me bad But I am not afraid And I think he notices that and likes it After a while he starts really fingering me and finger fucking me And I am going crazy And I moan And peter is stuck my invisible force The man thinks he is punishing me this way I really want him to fuck me It is wild and awesome It reaches a high that I wish peter is on the bed And then it is like a scene from a movie It goes slow motion as I realize that peter is somehow coming over I see him from the back of my head And I see how in a few short moments it will be me him and the dog man making love There is music as well But the second I realize that this is it I fucken wake up Now all night long I feel strong A sensation of determination and physical strength Later I came back to the dream But it was the social shame of what I have done And I didnt really care But it went on and on ** The dog man might be me That is why I could control him That is why I could see what he saw when peter was coming But what about that feeling Of closure on my innocence
I am walking in ANS, it is evening, round the back play ground I see 2 girls, one guy, they are foreigners, blond I never look properly at the girls, but the guy looks like Victor Lund They are ahead, their life is fun and they travel Backpackers Suddenly it starts to rain heavily Summer rain They are having fun and running ahead I decided to join them And we were all running towards the long stairs, elementary section I am laughing with them I blend with them I think it is so cool to get all wet It is nice and warm.
When we reach the stairs I see others, 2-3 playing on the stairs Round the back, were the outdoor bathroom should be, A van We go inside Only the 4 of us I know that I am cool I need to show them how cool My back is to them And I look out of the door And decide to wish my first wish I wish for the sun to come up (Again, sun come up) It does, fantastically so The girls like me The guy is fascinated by me My plan is working They are smoking a j They pass it to me but it is almost out I know that next time, I will get the long one because I have earned it After I take a couple of puffs Somehow a big chunk of burning ash falls I ask one of the girls have you seen it I find it as she points to the seat I fix it I think I give it to the guy I am feeling great I know something good will happen next I am mysterious and magical and beautiful And I know he is smitten As he takes the J from my hand His fingers brush mine I think for a split second And allow it And share back Touch his hand Give him a promise My back is to them And I climb gracefully to the roof And lie back enjoying the sun I conjured He climbs a moment after And lays down to my right side His hand touches mine And I touch his back Then we start to make out And it was beautiful Fully dressed I wish I can remember the details and the sensations There must have been passionate kissing But the whole thing felt like it took a long time yet was condensed into one moment. Maybe intercepted We were dry humping And the sensations were amazing He was coming And he said it He said ‘stop or I will come’ And I told him that I wanted him to So he does But it was weird He came And his mouth foamed over He panicked And both our clothes below were covered with his cum I was very calm I didnt even get repulsed I didnt tell him anything either I just stood and wished for us to be clean again But the magic didnt work And I got confused I was wearing black shorts And tried again to clean myself up with magic It didnt work again And then I think I went off looking for an explanation
I walked away toward the lower football fields It was night time again There were lots of people lying around and lounging And on the hill was a great castle I tried the magic again I waved my hand thrice for fireworks over the castle The first one worked But there was a time lag The second and third were slow and hazy It was cloudy The moon shown brightly behind I waved my hand for the clouds to disperse They did Completely But after a time lag I had given up really, but then then clouds evaporated So I felt better My magic still works Why didnt it work before I see the milky way I think I repeat the scene, then And walk in thinking I can conjure a J all to myself And I do I say this wish nursery rhyme, that I cannot remember now awake! And I also wish that no one will know or smell it Everything goes well Until one girl smells it
Going down a steep hilly road in the middle of a busy town. Convertible, I am not driving I am on the roof of the car, arms open Action going on Car chase or shooting No fear Excitement
Hazy…. I go back to find him The whole area transformed into a town Something about going downhill in a car or a bike Racing Running away Found him
Night time. The ocean, many people i dont know. ‘supervisor’: not sure if i am one or i am promoted to be one. A shipwreck is found, brought to surface, filled with post. Nothing was wet Letters and cards and crafts made by kids. Treasure as well. The scene was like a crime investigation I put in a plastic bag Old pretty stamps and a diamond ring. I don’t take everything i like, just the stuff i know can be used. It felt like stealing, but the ‘bosses’ says all is fair game. I dont know what the purpose of all this is. The diamond ring is very rare and very expensive. I assume that is why i am a ‘hero’. Airport warehouse I am hailed for my findings Me and julie need to run to the terminal The setting is not familiar By the time we see a tv screen ( i think to america) i realize we have lots and lots of time I think about putting the ring on because it will match my very expensive heels. I think i knew the designer’s name in the dream. We go to eat outside the airport We walk up a hill and walk into a restaurant ** the point is i am retelling the story to parents Suddenly i am in thailand We are on a long boat My whole family is on it Having fun I am sitting at the back My dad infront of me. Although we are above water I remember my iphone in the left pocket was soaking wet I take it out And it is wet But it still works My dad stands up He jokingly falls into the water Everyone including him thinks it’s funny I manage to take a short video of him standing up in the water Laughing I missed filming his fall But mama is angry “why did you stand up, you knew you were gonna fall” She annoys me And i say to her “he did it on purpose to make us laugh. What is the big deal”. Later: i am alone I’m studying the coast line How it is shaped behind me Adventure game building Later: everyone walked to the far left of the beach into a building I was walking far behind my family There is a group of men infront of me Something happens… When i’m inside the building We all take turns climbing and swaying on ropes and the hurdles To go forward in the game I say ‘fuck this shit’ I don’t follow the rules I go forward, easily. I see a very wide corrdior with many doors right and left I realise that instead of going forward to the unknown I should open the doors and see what is behind I choose a door and enter the room Later, while writing this, i realize that i have been in that room before, In another dream. The door is on the right And the room is huge and wide Beds everywhere An asian girl throws herself from the window But it is fine. On the far left of the room is a crib I am suddenly not alone Maybe, i’m with julie. In the crib is a baby And i know that this is My prize I can Claim The baby and take him home He smiles at me And i say “you are a boy aren’t you” And the 2 months old baby replies “no i am a girl”. Happy little baby Remembered this at 5 pm from tv callling 911 Here at home, Not sure how it starts, But i hear a fire alarm coming from olia’s house Only hear it when i pressed my ear outside the window in the piano room I made nadia or lina call 911 Later the fire engines come from the back of the house, Dalia’s room She has spot lights And something happened to one of them No fire and no damage But lots of fire fighters and random ppl I am going down the stairs to their house Lots of strange ppl Olia opens the door She is furious with me She gives me evil loathing looks And i snap at her saying “if it wasnt for me, bitch… i noticed. They came because of me.…
The dream began with a paralysis mood and action. I wasn’t though In my bedroom in amman, the bed parallel to the southern window, thought it was parallel to the west Dark, night time, I was sleeping I feel someone lie on the bed I start to panic Then stop it instantly Taking the opportunity and realizing I am dreaming I stop it And I say I wish it was daytime, the sun bright in the sky And it works I then start a very long I wish list I was saying “i wish” this and that It was all superficial And non scary elements I think I was trying to make myself as comfortable as possible I was in the bedroom for a long time wishing Though I dont remember what for What I remember next is that I wished for an ocean horizon A very big watery horizon And it worked Though it took me a few wishes to actually see the ocean And by that time I was in a different land In a different house With my family with me for some reason And amo Montasser as well Sitting with baba in a sitting area in the middle of the house with no windows I think everyone was going out to eat or drink And I was stupidly wishing to be beautiful, etc. There were so many wishes, And the wishes stopped working Sometimes they would, but not exactly how I want them to be I even thought of, or said out loud, that wishes, or perhaps even magic always comes with a price It was only when we were in the cafe by the sea when I saw my reflection That I wished to be beautiful again And I saw my body morph My chest grew bigger, my ass as well Sexy sensual body I think my hair turned blond And I said no, my own hair color, and long When I was still not happy, although I knew everyone is very very happy looking at me I said why can’t I just wish for everything to be perfect And actually have the chance to wish for what I want to happen Which is to be with my soul mate Rewind We appeared in the new house because I wished, with julie listening to me That I want to be in our perfect house The one I am designing on the app When we turned out to be in a different house Nothing perfect about it I may have started to worry about my wishing When we all went down to the street I realized that my wishes are somehow actually working Because I suddenly saw the ocean We walked in a strange untidy empty street Latin america perhaps Something or someone at the other end, I dont remember it But we overcame And arrived at the terraced cafe by the sea ** Perhaps this is a seperate dream Everything about it was so different More like a major motion picture The effect were phenomenal I couldnt conjure that This is very scattered and disconnected I will start with the scene that I remember well The camera was filming from below I was on top, walking in a straight line To meet a man Someone like a god or a controller or a commander My body was on top But I was the camera panning to body level from below And from below it looked like blue sky And every step I take lands on a new small cloud Conjured at the right moment The man as well First he was standing on a bigger cloud Then he also started walking to meet me half way And with every step, a little cloud would appear to hold his foot The camera panned to our level And it showed what we both actually saw Just ground Perhaps grassy and soil The whole setting transformation made me feel amazed And I thought of movies and effect and how marvellous this scene is ** Another scene from the same story, I think I am with a woman And we are in love We are seperated And I am trying to find her There was thing huge field Snow and cold perhaps But I wasn’t cold It was sereal Like a different planet I was in a new place Adventure It was beautiful I cannot remember it . . . . soldiers **
I am driving a fancy black 4×4 In a city I dont know It is raining in a catastrophic way The streets are washed with torrents of quick floods The other cars on the road are all like me No one is driving safely And no one is driving to safety We are all driving because this is awsome Recklessly with no fear Nadia was with me, I think Or maybe lina The streets are very wide And very new Some streets incline in almost 80 degrees And the flood rushes down from them Some cars go up all the way I wasnt intending to do that But once it happened And I couldnt go all the way And while the cars was being swept downwards I started getting worried I am going to wreck the car And have to answer to (baba??) In the end After bashing the car terribly I find myself bringing the car to a hideaway A narrow stage made of a hill and a valley Where there was a concert below I came late The music was already on Like a song contest with various artists in a row But there were also lots of people just coming in as I was I noticed that I was the only one here driving and leaving the car And I also noticed that a guy or a few of them thought that what I did was cool I put the car neatly away in to the wall Using my hands And sit down beside 2 girls on my right The song I was hearing might have been linkin park’s “in the end” While I was sitting and watching I had the feeling that I am not supposed to be here But becuause I am there Everyone is in awe of me On my left sat lina I suppose The girl on my right was swedish She and her friend were something And I was on good terms with them Until maybe I was about to leave And I realized that I dont have my credit card and my iphone And I remembered that I let the girl hold my handbag for a reason I accused her of theft publically And then found hundredes of cards under the cloth of her seat She and the other girl were pick pockets And they have been at it for a long time I made a big scene about it Most of the cards were the same White with one word written across Beginning with E I went down to the stage And annaouced what had happened And showed everyone that I was actually right And told them I want 2 things to happen now First we take a photo of each of the girls with the phone And make posters and put them up everywhere That these are theives And then call the cops Everything was super great Until I decided to say something And it felt like I said it without thinking first So it came out all jambled And not funny And I lost the power of the moment I wanted to say If they smoked week, they would be hippies (Meaning, they dont, and so they steal and do no good) Strange **
Last dream Or perhaps continuation It all felt like one dream really I did wake up in the middle after the I wish one There is this man Older And big He was like a daddy to me He wanted to be one Yet he also wanted my hand and heart I remember one moment of doubt, the very last time I saw him/ was with him Thinking what is the difference between him and rupert Apart from the filthy wealth I was sitting on the fence across the street from behind the house And he was standing in front of me I was holding him by his neck and sholders Him by my waste Perhaps that was the only moment of closeness we had And he was swaying left and right Rubbing his thing against my body Which reminded me suddenly of rupert And made me think about my decision to be with him He had Edward’s personality Gives me anything I desire He pointed to 2 classic cars parked infront of the Shalhoob’s house And told me to choose one I didnt like either And said I don’t know how to drive a manual I only driven one on my test and lessons But after he left I came close to the black boxy shaped one The driver was inside It reminded me of old cabs But it was shiny And had a shower in front And a bed in the back I think And by the seats, the driver, with a smile folded out a table I thought it was like a practicle caravan But looked like a car And london There was amman to london in 2 hours Shadia, or jehan was there And we went to a party in london I was wearing a puffy (pink) dress Which I could change into any other color of the same style I knew I looked great But in the party my vision started to glue I couldnt keep my eyes open Like sleepy sand I had to go to the bathroom And I saw a young man as I was going there With very bad eye sight I thought he looks better than the old man who wants me But he wasnt prince charming either But he made me determinded to go in and fix myself up In the bathroom There was a scene of eyeshadow Greenish blue I was trying to put it on my lids And it kept disappearing So I was doing it again and again One time one girl changed the pallete to the brownish one So I had a brownish lid And I had to start over By the time I was done wasting my time I decided to change the color of my dress to the same colour Another scene, perhaps before the party, and before meeting the old man on the fence I was in my room Perhaps I wished the night into day again And I drew on my eye brows Really thick and really neat Thinking to myself what have I done, I have to wash it of But it looked perfect The old man and me, we had lots of other things happening in the beginning. But I cant remember ** The whole thing ended like it began I am in bed Night time The presence is there again A girl And I am not afraid She touches me And I try to relax And encourage her with a moan Dismissing the thought I might be smelly down there When she actually finger me a little And I says, darling you reek I stopped, and couldnt understand what the word meant Could it really mean I was smelly I knew she was right But the word threw me off guard becuase I did not know what it meant…
Old woman: People coming in, I had to hide. But I wasnt truelly afraid, I think I just played along 2ndfloor I hid behind the washing machine in the bathroom in the little cove I had my headphones on And a big jacket I knew I was hiding in someone else’s house And that they are mad for that I shut my eyes tight And was mumrming words But I was not afraid An old woman appears She’s wicked and lonely and crazy But it seems I am doing this following some kind of plan I remember when I heard her near, looking for me I pulled down my right headphone so I can hear her better And I was really acting like a scared woman who begs for mercy When she found me, I think I convinced her that I have no idea where I am or who I am She took me in She did something she never done before She took me in and cared for me till I get better (feeling) The setting shifts I am in an unfamiliar town I live with her I am pretending to have amnesia that is why she is caring for me Otherwise, the plan wouldn’t have worked I can see the setting Hard to describe She dwells at the foot of the mountain, or hill It looks more 2d Open celing A man finds out where I am I dont know who he is I dont remember if I saw him But he was communicating with the old woman Who is more like a witch And everyone fears her wrath The man may be a guard Looking for me, the intruder It felt like I came into a world I am not supposed to be in And being with the woman, and pretending to have amnesia the only way to stay until I do what I came for When the guard is with her, I move along Perhaps she tells me to And she deals with him She loves me and will protect me I feel guilty for tricking her And I feel love for her as well But I used her, and now I can move on There is a bus scene, Not sure what I think I woke up somewhere here Then the dream contrinued I am in the town, I walk into a cafe A cafe I once knew It looked the same But the time is different I see the actor playing citizen cane, the owner, making pizza on the counter He turns to Rolf Obvious, somekind of guide, teacher I can see the pizza he was making Oval, ring of cheese and tomato sause, Almost nothing all the way to the middle Where he had put a few ingredients I tell him I will show him a very good recipe “Add, what’s it called, jan, obarjin” I go on to tell him how thinly to slice the veg But my speech is breaking down I never gave him the other ingredients Rolf was hopeless looking Without life I move on
Lina italy
Regina Farah’s bed Sima, nadia, jehan, shadia, maybe everyone. Why sima? Sima laughs in a silly childish way We are outside, basketball area I lean on the wall Sima is with me I try magic …. There’s a pretty tall guy, light beard and mustache Unfortuenlty an airhead But I feel attracted to him He is with another girl ?? I show sima that I can have him We go inside a tiny public toilet outside, and I look in the mirror and Change my appearance to that which will trap the guy I changed into what his perfect woman looks like Where there is no way for him to say no to my advances I have no idea what I will be looking like And when I saw the new me I was not happy She was an Ophelia Very very blond white hair. Long. Rough and wavey like straw Big blue eyes White sickly face Wearing a light white robe of sorts And a light pink, thick headband, covering half her forhead and head I started attempting to fix the ugliness by fixing that headband. Made it worse, then put it back on exactly the way it was Realising, that it is not important how I feel about how I look This is guranteed to bring him down to me I wanted to fuck him My face came back and the magic disappeared But I went along anyway He has a wife, which turns into Regina later Don’t remember how she looked before He is controlled by her Thats why he appears to be an airhead They live in Wajih’s house I knock on the door Then start going down the stairs, in case it was her who opened The door opened And suddenly it felt like that was my plan To slowly turn around and mesmerize him He was standing with a white towel wrapped up around him Just came out from the shower He was an asshole Like Nawras he was But I was not feeling any love for him It was all sexual So I dont care and go up again I come very close to him And we kiss I intice him and move my lips to his neck and chest It is drawing me lower to his hidden cock And I dont want to go there I dont love him And I feel this is going the wrong way His way He pushed me lower when I gain power to come to his mouth again He does it without touching me His palm facing downwards towards me Magically pushes me lower This stops I think when he hears her voice And leaves She comes out I am expecting her to be furious But I think when we see each other Love bonds us together I dont know how she looked like But later As I am taking control and tell her to go to bed with me and him She shows me that she is not the wicked witch I feared her to be She is trapped with him Her creation and jerk And we go to bed In a made up room on the right With no doors on both sides With 2 children coming in at any time I remember the older one, 5 years old, black boy The girl I dont think I actually see But this happens later, towards the end We go to bed And he is already there But I am not interested in him anymore And also am lamenting that I am not interested in fucking him I feel that she needs me So I focus my energy on her I am smirking And powerful I have them both under my power now This is when she turns into Regina She is standing on the left side of the bed Big lost eyes So unlike her And I take her hand and pull her down to the bed My face is very close to hers I think I reassure her somehow And he comes in Like a jerk thinking he will bang two women I have the thought that I will let him watch us But leave him hanging cuz he deserves it Although he is pretty I go down on Regina Nothing more happens that this I go down and spread her legs When I do that I loud explosion and a shake happens The vision goes array
When the mind is pure Bliss flows like a shadow that never leaves.
To do what I want I must first trust myself, completely – Laila. To trust myself, I must first stop fearing. To stop fearing I must understand the unknown. To understand the unknown, I must first believe. To believe, I must first surrender. to surrender, I must trust myself. to trust myself, I must stop thinking. To stop thinking, I must know the unknown; & to understand “God”,
I must know who I am. to know who I am, I must learn to be.
What is it that stops me from dying, What drives me to exhale, What stops me from holding it in, When it is so easy.. I don’t need to breath, Yet it calls me back, Stops me from facing a fear. So I take in the big breath, The breath I don’t need, And yet I take it in, to survive..
Even I don’t know what I am doing, but I am doing it systematically.
I can’t describe it
I can’t put a label on it
But this is how I feel.
Right now, for instance,
I am sitting on the floor of the sunny breezy roof
I have had a good morning so far.
Amazingly so too..
I come here because I want to come back to the bubble
The dome in which recently I can dwell in
But today I realise I have come, not knowing what I want
Forgetting what I have learnt last night
I am forgetting everything
I need to write it all down
Last night, julia broke me free
The room was locked, it was bedtime.
Quality time
Perhaps because with her in here is so easy,
That I immediatly crashed into the wall behind me
I even did it retualistically
I, as an observer interfered,
Mid play
Mid scene
While she was laughing and kissing me
On top of me
Seeing how genuinly happy she feels,
I interefered and took the attention of the being that is my body,
And talked to her,
Imperatively
To stop it and let go
She was looking up to me, with big eyes
Worried about herself,
And accepting any order,
And I ordered,
For her to love her daughter back.
She did it.
Immediatly after she saw the Muse – isolated system video reply in her mind
And she turned around,
Intending to run towards the coming tsunami of change,
But she nervously balanced herself again,
To get gain a moment to think it through
When she realised that the tsunami is about her right now,
Right the second she decided to change plans,
And brace herself for the collision
And as her body turned into stone
Her soul leaped
And it was ok
And the flood of emotions returned
Filling every anadonened shore in her body
Barren for years and years
And it was love
It was happiness
It was tripping
It was a dream moment
I kissed her back
And laughed and giggled
I allowed her be free
As free she is, the free-er I might be
**
I was tripping
And I knew it
Then plunged into the experience
Handsfree
The flashbacks I had where of me and nader kh., perhaps the only. But I did check reference it with ahmadA. and even nasser for a tiny bit, but not sure if with tawfeeq.
But nader was the first image+experience (feeling). I was there with him in the dark for a second, and it was as real as the memory actually was. Dark, under the bedsheets, high, and in love. I felt all the attraction points active, all at once, and also felt his transmittion to me.
There was nothing really wrong about our relationship, me and nader.
There was dave matthews band,
There were j parties
There was the sapiosexual aspect, of which I remember nothing about,
And the sexual attraction of course, was avaliable, greatly so
Dramatic twists of tragedy, yes, he was christian, much older, yet my husband is older than him..
I acted out the scenes of the tragedy and sacrifice as well,
I had bought a silver, beautiful simple cross,
Stood infront of his bedroom window
Afternoon, in this cozy world,
Far far away from my life
The sex was bad. Not that bad. Simply perhaps I wanted to come, and it was a big deal
Because that meant I wasn’t in love with him.
I was settling.
So I must have broken free. Disappeared on him without a trace.
**
Ahmad D. was fun
He was the musical
I fell in love with him the second I saw him looking at me.
He had total control of my body and attention
Thoughts
It’s those times when two people suddenly cross paths,
And with a few words of pleasurable affect,
Both find themselves under the sheets of the passion cave
I have entered a place i have never seen. I am standing in front of a magnificent entrance of an ancient underground city. (scarecrow-wizard of oz). It was the front line city leading to other places and eventually ‘home’. I stood there, and started to think- it was so very strangely effortless.I realise i am in a dream, that i am aware of what’s happening. So i felt like praying. It was super short. The whole time i stand still, but inside so many major psychological processes are in action. So effortlessly.
So my prayer was: not to forget that i am in control- not for a second.I might have being asking for a deal (which could be understood from between the lines of the prayer: meditation“laila please please don’t forget, intention, intention..”I was giving myself the support to go on by encouraging myself to just go in.
When i flew out of my trippy bubble, i landed gently on white, yellowish shallow sand. I look right ahead, excited and i was thinking: what should i do next?I looked at everything around me i was standing, in a prounce (alert, standby position) feeling very Naughty And happy. There was a sky above, but i knew it was holographic. Pale golden brown color, and it was midday. There was no sun, but i felt it directly above me; nice and warm.It was shadowy ahead. A long and very wide, abandoned corridor entrance of white marble. It might have had an arch, and a huge, white, diamond-shaped steeple. On either side ahead were tall, wide and flat columns holding the sky not far above. I shifted my gaze and focused on the right side of the pantheon like tunnel.A meter ahead of me the first column stood. And by every column intentionally designed were shallow, sink-like holes. I saw a stone in the first basin to my right, and didn’t even care to have another sweep to see if the other 9 basins contained anything. I assumed they did. i also could see in my mind that i lose knowledge which the possibility ahead, because i could see (in my mind) that i don’t have the energy for seeing more than a 3 or 4 basins which lie ahead of the one i chose, and, i am also not even sure of my vision.
This shape now i recognize in other dreams where i had been in a situation just like this, my mind doing the same calculation to guess how many lives i could lose if i want to get to the other side doing the same thing, but in an extremely different place.I’ll write about this later. Running simulations.
As i am diving to grab the stone i see, i decide to not care, and take this one before someone changes their mind. Here it felt like i was being watched, hence i suddenly know i am not alone. That i am expected. When my face was near the stone, i realised it was a part of a mechanism. I took the stone slowly and laid it gently on my right palm. It felt cool and good. It was more oval in shape than round. Very smooth, white and grey, and gently eroded somehow. I slowly flipped the stone and looked at the other side. But i already knew what i would see, and when i saw the face i smiled. It was a mixed feeling of “at last, i have succeeded in finding you,” and a sense of humble sadness complete with adoration. I set stone face side up on the mechanism, i remember it flipped a few times, around it self before it finally set down on the basin, pushing it in to activate. It was a confusing (or many times) then placed it down again with the other side facing up. the stone had a symbol on it, the head of a falcon with human shoulders. I knew it was the way to meet enki, so that is what i intended, to meet him.
My intention was very clear, and i was sure that it will happen.When i placed the stone back to the holder, it started to turn, and i knew it had to do that a specific number of times before he appeared, or i was taken to see him.however, when there was one turn left, i pulled it out, and decided to ask the dwellers of this place if it was a good idea to do this.I start walking, (maybe i place the stone back) and was planning to go back to it, to let it finish the one last turning round,and as i was walking, i decided i have time to try anything else. I wasn’t sure meeting enki would be a good idea, obviously, and decided to take the dream any other place, but it didn’t happen. Tried a few times..and i was very surprised that nothing happened, and couldn’t understand why.
As i walked forward, i began to see small market places inside the ancient looking stone village,on the left i found a beautiful blond girl, who was selling cloth. She looked like she was from the future, in contrast with the surroundings she dwelt and worked within. When i asked her, if it is ok for me to do such a thing, to touch the stone and call to see enki, she changed her whole friendly and happy demeanour. She became worried and restless and said, oh… you must follow me.it felt to me, and it was clear that she has been “expecting” me, that she was warned not to answer and take me somewhere else.I followed her with these thoughts in my mind, and she led me to the “shop owner” another woman with the same characteristics the other woman said to me, that i cannot do that.Or should not attempt to do that,and instead i could try anything else, anything at all.i felt insulted, and replied saying this is a dream, my dream, and that it is also a great great circumstance as well, as i am aware that this is not really real, and i want to do what i want. She says, do anything, but not that.Then suggests to me that to wish to have a romantic/sexual experience with the greatest looker in the world.She then makes an x of mine appear, walking in a great way towards me, smiling. He did look much better than he does in reality, but i got angry, and cried out, not him, he repulses me and no matter how hot he can look i do not care.. and so the x just kept walking.I notice then that she is gone,and caught in the sexual moment, i decide to summon the presence, but i stopped for i was not sure if he could turn me on,i tried to summon someone else, but then i realized that nothing is happening, and instead of deciding what i want to do, i had to test what could i do, and that was nothing.
I really felt that this is a huge chance for me to do and be whatever i wanted.But then when i decide to do anything, it does not happen.I try summoning people, and it doesn’t happen,i try aparating somewhere else, and nothing happens.And i didn’t get why this is happening. I felt i was being denied everything. It’s then when i decide to go back to the stone opening, and just do itbut the dream took me in the other direction and made me forget what i was aware of.
Analysis:
After reading i_am_human’s reply above, i’ve understood why i was doing things wrong. The word “intention” struck me deep inside like a chord; and ever since, i have been consciously preparing myself to finally see the dream i knew was coming. For further details, which will make the bellow dream clearer, please follow this link. ******* Story:my dreams were abundant, and they defined me. My dreams were the only treasure i had. In may 2012, they decreased extraordinarily in quantity. For half a year now, i have been having a dream per month or so. however, most of these dreams were reality changing ‘moments’.
In the beginning of this cycle, there were many intense dreams that seriously felt that they were not mine.I don’t have anything more to say about this. When i awake in the morning, i would remember every tiny detail, like a film i am still watching. But moments after, the vision and the memories terminate, and i would be sitting on the edge of my bed, asking who or what is doing this to me.and after that month, things went silent. It distressed me for days, all day long. Then at night before falling asleep, i would wish that tonight i would have a dream; any dream. Even if it was not mine.I was mentally panicking, trying to figure out why it felt like something is interrupting my dreams, in such a physical way.then suddenly things got better. Absolutely, and without any conclusions to my predicament, i suddenly have a kick-ass dream.
The reason why my dreams are like a part of me is that i sometimes experienced the most cherished dream i am the person that i want to be, the person i always wish to be in real life. So in the realm of dreams, i can do so much more, and i could live happier, just because i can change the dream to what i want it to be. and so, i am very happily in love with myself.Every time a situation felt wrong, i could simply fly away and my body turns into a a sort of a higher dimensional being.I could evoke any lover i wish to see,or make anything ugly beautiful.My arm, hand and fingers would move like a wand to control space and time.I would prefer to levitate than walk on my bare feet,i could go on with the description but i’ll leave it at that.. ;)
So now, if you take all of the above into consideration, this is what actually happened to me tonight.Tonight was the night when i for the first time in many, many years become aware that i am inside a dream, and that i can actually make anything happen. I more or less was standing in the beginning of the dream, remembering i_am_human’s advice and knowing that this is part of my reality. I felt amused and clever..i was actually also feeling the energy i was creating, praying “intention” when my voice sang the word out loud. I even smirked at myself. However, because of my realisation that i can control and i am so much better at this after all these years, wiser,access was denied.
I had this very creepy dream, But… i also cannot remember what i did last night before i went to bed.
Since i have woken up, a few minutes ago, i have found out that my feelings of not remembering last night accurate. I really and actually do not remember the going-to-bed “procedure”, specially the bits i did before going to my bedroom. It feels to me like i am trying to remember what i last did last night, just the way i would try to remember a dream. The creepy dream i will share happened in the morning. It is 13:00 now.
I was in my old school, but that soon changed into a never seen before place. It was a new “type” of school based on a new “religion”. It was my own school (a dream world school really), taken over by what i knew (felt) were evil aliens. I think i even know who the “headmistress” is. She is the the same “mother” figure the contactee simon parkes describes. Anyway, i saw the headmistress and her assistants of various ranks/jobs. They passed right in front of me, like a train breaking through the crowds. She was in the lead, severely back hunched in deep serious thought, talking loudly to herself it seemed, Dressed in various assortment of robes, and tall head gear, fashionable, to cover her giant elongated head. I did not see her face, but i am not sure.
The other were behind her, acting nervous and emitting hatred to everything and everyone, even to her. Anyway, they totally ignored me, or i was invisible to them. After they disappeared, i looked at the classroom on my right, which had huge windows permitting me to see the large amount of girls there, the students.
I felt like the students are being forced to sexually (something) as a part of the school’s (satanic) religion. The girls i saw were familiar faces from my life, the younger students that i knew when i was at school. And i would say either out loud or to myself, no, not you too, and you.. although i don’t really know the girls on any level. Just familiar faces captured and under control. And it made me mad. Very angry that it is this bad. I was expressing shock and distaste out loud. I felt i was like a school inspector. No one was stopping me from inspecting..
Before i go on, i must say this, since i woke up from the dream, and walked around the house and made tea and sat here to write, i have been thinking about the following, that this is not an important dream. I don’t remember it well. And i am disappointed that i dreamt it, instead of something awesome. And i initially was more interested in the way i was feeling, that i don’t remember last night, and how dreamlike my reality is making me feel. Then i decided to write a couple of words about the dream to reference my strange feelings. But the dream got clearer and clearer and i couldnt stop remembering or writing it. suddenly i realised that this is a huge dream and i should write it down to every last detail.. So this is so strange to me.
So in the dream, this school is actually something else. Because i “heard” or felt that they do something horrible with the youngest ones. Mutilate them physically for some reason. The boys i think.
And i was aware that i don’t know where my own daughter is. so i get personally involved in finding out the scheme. Once i get out of the building and into the play ground, i see on the ground this:
Laying in the ground, in a muddy puddly, was the skin of a hand of a child. With the wrinkles where the joints would have met once, and the details that prove this is a skin peeled off– peeled off a small child’s hand, and discarded in the strangest way. Maybe on purpose for me to find. Maybe thrown there by a child worker.
When i saw that, i suddenly knew what is going on and what i should do to perhaps stop it. but i can’t remember this now. But more interesting is this:
Just before going outside, i went into a kitchen or home ed classroom. There were three or four older students making food, for a small event of some kind, i think the adults at school will be eating the prepared food. I told them why aren’t you making something nicer like chocolate cake, their answer was strange and i don’t remember it, it might even have been in a strange language. And i proceeded to taste the only thing that looked appetising, pale spotty sausages. I knew i should not eat that, i felt it could be of a male’s body part, i knew deep inside that i am committing a cannibalistic act, but the flavour then overpowered my thoughts, because it was so good. Like really really good, and i was so happy with the tasting it. Just then my tooth started to wobble terribly. And then, i remembered that this has happened before, (in another dream last week) but for me it was just another day in my past. I can’t remember the other dream, but i was aware of the “timeline” somehow.
Without speaking to the students, with the sausage in my hand, which tasted really really foul on the second bite, i left the classroom from a different door. Thinking only of my tooth, knowing for sure that it is not going to hurt, and it will be easy to take it out, and i also knew (remembered) how the tooth base is going to look like: 4 spider like legs that plug in and out of my jaw.
This is when i find a door to the outside, to the backyard playground, And i open the glass door which open out, and right where the door stood open i saw the muddy rain puddle with the skin. I let the door close and it did gently, and i come very close to inspect the find.
I feel, see and hear many children outside, and i know none of them are actually playing. It felt like a labour camp, where those poor kids had something to do with the skin i just found. It felt like a butchery, factory, open air lab of some kind. And the kids didn’t know what they were doing, and they were very very sad and hopeless. Orphans. all this i got from intuition. I saw nothing but what my mind allowed me to telepathically see.
I am still obsessing about my tooth, all this while, and i decide it is time to take it out. i push it in, hear a click, and the take it out, i am expecting it to be white like it was in the other dream, but it turned out to be black. Not rotten, but jet black, a stone, black sapphire, with four beetle legs, alive, but unharmful, slowly flexing and opening. A device which is alive. I looked into the stone, and saw a face for a moment. A darth vader image. A black masked face. (note: i have nothing to do with star wars, i never watched it, but the darth vader symbol has been “presented” to me on a few occasions during wakefulness, a sort of a sign, the last month or so.)
When i see him, i feel calm and determined to follow my mission because he was my “commander”. The dream ends here i think. I wake up.
And i still feel strange, like something in me has shifted, dreaming and living has been connected somehow, or worse. I dont know.
Your thoughts?
Oh this all means that the earth is a cold hard school run by negative beings & the student souls from the liquid dimension shed their skins when they leave the school & return to the liquid dimension. This is why you saw part of a student’s empty skin lying in a puddle outside of the school rooms.
While at the school the students have technology connected to their lower spinal areas & this is why you noticed that all the students had something invasive happening to their lower spinal areas.
The staff of the school generate their own tantric energy by making love with each other This is why when you tried their food it seemed like something sexual to you.
The negative insect being that plugged into your mouth & whom you recognized as your controller is one of the primary beings that connect the soul to the holographic human world & lead the human vessel through its destiny. They are not really negative but they have to act negatively while working in the school.
One woman was so distraught when her boyfriend dumped her that she could not stop crying & wanted to die. Then a male angelic voice began speaking to her & calmed her completely. She became happy until one day she found herself in a craft with a white mantis alien who was the owner of the voice she had heard. She considered the being to be a devil even though it had behaved like an angel & helped her immensely in previous days. This shows how the insect beings can be positive if they feel there is a need.
Overall I can see that you are being given some cold hard facts about life from the multidimensional point of view. You’ll need to understand & accept these facts if you want to interact fully with the beings overseeing your soul & its position in the holographic body & world.
My impression is you’re being given a choice to either know & live with the cold hard truth about the earth school, or stop seeking truth & focus on earthly things instead.
I feel like I should give lots of references to scriptures & accounts of other peoples experiences etc in order to add weight to what I believe your dream maker is trying to tell you. However my words really can’t ever teach you anything. All learning will come from your own experiences & the the way your mind & heart digest those experiences. The truth is simple really & easy to live with, but the gap between the truth & the illusion the world lives in is vast & so the difficulty in knowing the truth is in adjusting to the disintegration of the illusion as the truth becomes apparent.
A world within another.
Two dreams within each other.
Weaving, interacting;
colliding.
Loops that go on, forever;
creating new possible worlds. Intention is all I have.
I write. I would rather my life something different be.
Within the realms of conviction, I dream up a dream for my dream.
I find the new world seeking me.
I seek the world in which I have created me.
Where is my past hiding.
***
..ceaselessly & persistently.
I have designed a dream world to sneak away through.
I want to return to the garden and redesign everything,
..slowly & consciously.
Implement knowledge from visions true,
seek experience of knowledge endowed;
I am responsible for my choices.
& every version of me will be redeemed by me.
***
I am the writer,
I am the creator of worlds.
Either I or versions of me.
I want to do it. I am aware.
I can’t forget;
but what does a god in amnesia create.…
i don’t remember any details apart from i was with at least 3 other versions of me. and each of them, turn by turn were trying to explain to me the structure of life, the one same pattern, or equation that is life and all its details. this topic has been one of the themes in my latest dramatic “psychological” crisis, and i should mention that i am only an observer to my own life and its dramas. in the dream, each of the lailas was trying to make me understand something, and make me feel safer and better. i had at least 2 other SIMILAR dreams, but i don’t remember anything. I don’t feel any stress on the conscious level. it is nonexistent. but on a subconscious level it is very hard, as i spent that night crying, almost wailing and confessing to my sisters, that i can’t feel anything. and i was crying about that more or less.
Analysis:
Last night in bed i was trying to self medicate/meditate. i wanted to see with my mind, and stop the thinking process, turn the blind eye to distractions. open up my third eye when i suddenly saw what i think is a memory of me as a baby, standing in my playpen and then falling on my bum. i was seeing through my baby eyes. i am guessing i could have been 8 months old or a bit more. i saw this, actually and physically saw the moment. the movement and the vision zooming in as i am falling down. i saw the patterns designing the floor of the playpen. it was more real than a video being played.
just before that vision occurred, i saw blinking stars, which i have experienced last week as well. they seem to be the first stage of whatever it is that is happening to me. as i was battling with myself to stay open, trying to shut down all internal distractions, i next saw what i would describe as a Grey, only the head. it looked different than the usual presentation. it was kinder and brighter. the white brightness in all the visions is a factor worth considering.
surprise, surprise, my mind did not like this, and i was aware how it is trying to distract me with the process of fear, but i was determined to suppress it. and when i started feeling a presence, i started calling for whatever it is, (didnt really matter to me what it was at this point) to make me feel safe, “please please please, just make me feel safe cause i really want to know more..” My plea was genuine as there is nothing left for me to do but push myself over the edge and pray for peace of mind and truth.
as i was praying, my eyes were still closed, and i tried again to zen out, and i suddenly felt the lights and atmosphere change. the room was almost pitch dark save for the music player’s green point of light. the new light moves in a wavelike pattern, slow, starting at my head and travelling above my body where i lose track of it beyond my abdomen. this light was red and warm. i felt i was being scanned. i started to panic again as i became aware that my wishes may just come true, when i felt more than 3 presences in the room. my mind started working again, trying to understand what is going on, and this is what i came up with: either a part of me is in a different dimension, or in a different place altogether, or that there were other presences in my bedroom, where my little daughter was also sleeping. I thought they couldn’t have been always there, but the dimensions are interacting within each other. but then i felt that they were trying to calm me down just like i asked for them to do, by shining the warm light on me. it kept going up and down my body, slowly, like slow rolling waves, made up of red warm light. it wasn’t sexual in any way (it is a factor), and it was almost impossible not to panic and i kept telling my mind that this is exactly what my soul wants, so piss off. and then my eyes opened by their own accord and i was positive that the light would disappear. i was scared that i was hallucinating this, because i really wanted the light to be real. and the light did not disappear! it also is interesting that it did not become brighter, or change in any form or way. it felt like: when my eyes were closed, i was seeing this light. and when my eyes were open, the only thing that changed was the added greenish light from the speaker and i could see more of my room.
I had Omharmonics, the Awakening track playing. the right side of the speaker started crackling, although i did fix it before going to bed. (note that it was not broken before, i noticed it was cracking only when i hit play before going to bed). I’m just listing every detail i remember. back to the episode, when i started hearing the crackling noise, i took huge notice of my mind and saw that it wants to categorise that sound and make it legitimate. that the mind would not accept to just hear, it needs to understand where it is coming from to eliminate any paranormal cause. i told it more or less to piss off and just let me be and hear.. and right then i felt the bed covers above my left foot move, as if finger pinched the blanket, softly yet firmly in two different places. and i felt a sexual burst of energy travel from my foot up (i was lying on my right side). my mind woke up again and started to categorise the sensation and the physical movements and led me to think of the incubus concept. i tried to move my hand, and i could, so my mind dismissed that and let go. so i start to zen out again, and honestly, lamenting the lost moment. that is when the baby memory i described above happened.
i was aware of how amazing the “video” was, the memory, no different from how we see “reality”. the color white, and how bright it was and real it was.. strange sensation.
there were also the more “usual”, (but not so often though- in general), vague black-grey visual flashes. and it was then, in those little trips, i was asking to see the presence i have been feeling on and off for almost all life. someone/something, of male gender, that i have been sexually aroused by. that was the purpose of my exercise really. i really wanted to feel safe after the self inflicted drama i caused myself the past two nights. but that is another story.
now i should also mention, that before all of this happened, i opened myself sexually, intentionally, as in i took care of myself, knowing that there is no end to it, the usual unhappy ending- which is my hell in this life. and i believe and i feel that the permanent orgasm block i’m suffering of should be lifted somehow before any progress is made, or maybe it’s the other way around, i don’t know if you understand what i mean. but i still don’t know. this is all part of the book i am trying to write.…
the last few months have been very strange. the last few weeks even stranger. i will not go into detail, but will say this. it really feels like my waking hours have been contaminated, for lack of better word, with the state of dreaming. it is becoming stronger everyday. i have even been experimenting with this new “reality” that i am in. and it just keeps reminding me of the state i am at while dreaming. and signs, lots of signs for me to follow (in my researching).
for example, call me crazy, but it feels like i am in between dimension. my eyes are behaving strangely, seeing a clear veil intermingled with what we perceive as reality. it is there now all the time. the more i concentrate on not concentrating, the more i see. hard to say what it is that i see, but it was not there before. i don’t even have the will, drive or power to “snap out of it”. i’m too intrigued.
my story is very long. i don’t think this is the right place to share my experience. but just one little thing, a couple nights ago, i was lying my bed looking out the window at the stars. i was lying very still, trying not to concentrate on seeing the stars, when the room, the window, the bars on the window disappeared. and i was looking at nothing but the night sky.
last night, i had the shutters down. i was lying in my bed staring at the ceiling, and i saw stars. taken out of context, one may reply i am hallucinating, or psychotic. but as i said, this is out of context, and it feels like a change, not me being insane.
i spend my whole time researching our origins and history. so much time spent on google sky, moon, mars, sky-map. this change which began last year, has literally disconnected me from reality, from planet earth. and all i want to do is go home. out there. i don’t recognise myself in the mirror. the reflection is changing daily, becoming younger looking, prettier, and i feel like we have nothing in common anymore. all this aside, i feel more alone than ever, as the me i know has left. and i find myself feeling a presence around me, which was there 10 years ago, and now it is back. and i am trying all the time to make the presence more real. at least to feel safe.…
I watch the whole minute of credits of Anouk’s “Birds” video. I can’t believe the amount of WORK and PEOPLE it takes to produce a 3 minute video. Basically it is a very short film, based on a short story about anything or everything.
This is taking me aback, I feel that I see my future laid out through the ‘third eye’. The road is laying out for me to tread on.
I don’t like using the mainstreamed new age terminology.
The Book will be written by the fuel of my music. I’ll push the scenes and the chapters out, note by note.
Last year I did “Run Towards the Apocalypse”, the first song in 10 years, the first since the Bi-Psyche album. It came out from no where. That’s why it got recorded. It was magic, coming back at last.
The song was a vision. I observed the setting, the plot and the characters. I got inside their heads and got to know them, Eve, Lucifer and God.
The scene turned out as the final climax for #Book 5.
I want to experiment with Binaural Beats. Two different sound frequencies, one channel for the right ear and one for the left. The brain then creates a new frequency which may be manipulated to use.…
The story happened before happening again It is no fun when there’s too much that I don’t know missing out on the fun “The race cannot be lost” Alright, but then Give me something for the..…
My soul mate, for lack of better words, visited me after 4 am. he was trying to tell me a story. Does he need help? I think it begins by me being in the palace. We are already lounging, and i feel his raging passion behind princely demeanour. It’s too fuzzy, but i was as passionate about him as he was about me. the twinkle was in his eyes, the mysterious bewilderment of soul mates found.
Maybe he came closer to me, i think i remember feeling his electricity getting to know mine. It wasn’t us, it was something inside of us, and we were merely testing the magic. Two lonely souls making the forever pretended moment real. How real can it be. it was more about him, he couldn’t believe it. that i was there at last. Next, something changes, a set of rules, context curtain down on the scene. It’s time for me to go. he is asian. Beautiful. a prince. He is watched and withdraws from my attention. I come to him, he was sitting on the other sofa. Eyes on the silent tv screen. Frustrated. angry. Almost as if he can’t snap out of it. and as i try to touch him, as he touched me, i learn a lot. for one, i must not stop. It seems to go on for a long time, until i know that his father, which i saw as well, light haired and bespectacled emperor comes home from work. I think he is playing against my story. He’s the enemy. Korean maybe. The prince panicked for a moment, and just before the emperor appears, he tells me hurriedly, that he wanted me to leave before it’s too late. And now it is too late. And i must somehow fix it. I calmly take control and show myself to the king, queen and explain that i have to go now, i am new in the country, can’t say a word in their language yet, that is why i was in their home. 2 little sisters supposedly were helping me with learning. I saw them. Laughing and nice Obviously no one believes me, they see right through me. Somehow they know, that i have awakened something i shouldn’t have in the heir of the empire. I am a game changer Maybe here, or a little before, the prince tells me Hurriedly That he wanted me to leave before they appeared But that i didn’t get it I leave But i see that something is building up within him Maybe my fearlessness of the family Of his father I broke the spell And he decides, and i feel it, that he is going to disobey That means That he is letting go Of his powers as king to be To be with me Now that he has found me That his soul has known mine The game changed for Him Where before he didn’t know it was a game And that he could change it Somehow Instead of me being out of the palace Which turned into jido’s balcony door We are in a throne room The emperor is sitting on his throne Behind us I never saw him There is a low wall separating him from us Infront And big windows The prince has decided to escape the prison he suddenly realised he’s in He makes me lay on the floor So his father doesn’t see me I obey I don’t peak But i know that he has seen me He has come round and seen me He says something that proves that I feel his footsteps No fear within This scene repeats twice I’m not sure if in a row But i am sure that later on To show someone?? We repeat the scene How we escaped How we managed to jump down the tower Window to window Effortlessly like theres no gravity. Once we are outside Suddenly the right side garden of my childhood’s house We succeed We are together And the whole empire Guards and king and queen Are after us And this will go on till the very end We start running Down the street Followed by guards We skateboard down the hill going down to wadi sacra On cardboards (i’ve done this before in other dreams, but this time the other way And for some reason We are not alone Others?? Are running with us And we are always followed I think he is leading One scene later we are in a taxi We found the cab on the side of the road just before the radisson hotel It was futuristic reminded me of hover cars Though no car hovered The one who has hijacked the taxi is with us But i don’t know who he is The prince and i trust him nevertheless He was seated in the front seat And the cab driver dramatically and almost maliciously looks back at me Or us But he is not en enemy He didn’t look friendly either He was doing someone a favour There was someone on my right side And another on the prince’s left side 6 in total in the car I have no idea who these people are But the ones either side of us felt like female servants who are there to protect their prince And his wife, me Could all these people be angels And the driver a demon As we are heading to the third circle, What i can describe as a phenix And enemy bird Ripped the roof open After a while i realise it is blind Attracted to movement I remember looking at the prince hoping he sees that he must not move I was the first one the bird/winged snake tried to find I am always the first one they need to find Right after the blind bird gives up What i can call a siren appears A beautiful evil winged woman appears from the hole of the roof She can see us alright And what she tries to do i think, is first look at me Maybe trying to suck out my sexual energy so he looses interest in me, maybe, to break the spell between our souls When it doesn’t work She turns to him and tries to mesmerise him She fails And disappears frustrated Screaming I believe the next scene was in a new city I am not sure, but it felt like magical things and creatures exist freely in this place It was a safe place But no where is safe for long We have managed to lose the king’s men for now I see myself emerging from a little dwelling I have left the prince there with females Magical little things I want to say something like they were “bathing him” or reviving him or removing “evilness” from his body.. For me, it was my first moment in the sun. all is calm. Others are going about their business And i am stretching my body in the warmth of the sun The next scene, i think Was a little hotel room Beautiful We are exhausted And very dirty It’s been days And i remember as i, or we threw our bodies on the bed in the darkened room, although it was daytime That i was thinking, wow, how romantic, we haven’t kissed yet, i think And we are going to sleep side by side And nothing will happen We need to sleep before we run again Then i thought about how we will be very close And we won’t be able to stop it from happening And i am dirty And as soon as i feel his body close to mine And we both feel the Snakes within our bodies uncoil and reach out I stupidly hop up to the shower Taking off my black layers of clothes Thinking that i don’t want to wear them again Ask the hotel to wash them quickly I wish i hadn’t done this We never became close He comes in as well And intends to take a shower as well I get excited and thankful that at least we have a new chance to become one But the bathroom suddenly becomes a part of the hotel’s reception hall and desk Anyone and everyone can see me naked showering And it is fine I was feeling like a magical creature myself A sight rare to see A bathing virgin. The prince sees a friend I think the friend is asking if it is true If he and the mysterious woman are really on the run The prince doesn’t want to tell the guy anything And i am watching them as i shower Then after a while, he leans close to the guy’s ear and is talking to him for a while Telling him our story with his hand covering his mouth Whispering As i am showering and watching I think to myself no don’t trust him I was disappointed the prince did I took his action into consideration That he could know more than i do And that i should trust him The guy came around to take a peak and see me It was serene Calm And sensual moment Slow motion The hall was filled with little people huddling on the desk for some reason No one noticed me The guy had an expression on his face His hand covering his mouth A huge smile under He couldn’t believe that he is seeing one of “me’s” It was a sight to see I held my gaze to his Turning round slowly and gracefully full circle Next, i think the owner of the hotel realized that we are in his hotel He alerts the guards and the whole nation Greedy fuck
Next, We are standing in front of his hotel [close to my house] I with no words, but with gestures Maybe telepathy as well Point to the land in front And then the hotel itself, to invisible heights and levels I was telling him if he repents and helps us His hotel can be anywhere he wanted He liked that a lot And he was on our side Bribery
I didn’t like him After dreams of love I wake up thinking of only it. It paints hours or days of my life. I can see the near future What i will be doing Thinking of Feeling Like i am mourning A lost love…
How come I feel you sometimes
How come I remember you well and barely
Were you with me last night
Waiting in my dream
Was it you
I miss you.
and I saw your wings
You didn’t hide them well
&thank you for the embrace
&the whispers
and I’m sorry I was not in the Now,
Even in a dream.…
it’s hard to stay sane
still fighting to understand what sanity is
i’m trying and trying
to understand myself
what it is to be normal
what normal really is
in unnormal worlds
learning what it is to be,
and what it is to be in the now
it is hard enough to do all that
while listening to time click and tick noticeably past
and on top of all that,
i’m forced to create, yet again, another self
for my loved ones
so not to panic
because for them
i am being unnormal
what sanity is to me,
insanity is to them..
stop forcing me to play games
you are forcing me to pretend, and it is against my religion
oh Chronos, move it already
before they take me in and lock me out
So many people, and they all believe in many different things.
Everybody has an own truth to follow, to understand.
When something doesn’t compute,
Don’t walk away.
If it tries to pull your belief system down, let it.
Tonight, I continued last night’s Dream I did not dream of spaceships.. I dreamt of a new kind of cosmic display It was so beautiful I was shouting out declaring the beauty, There might have been tears.
It was like a massive, invisible wand was ejecting silver glittering stars Which disappear and reappear on the other end of the sky A fantastic show in the east hemisphere Just for me Like the band of the milky way was on disney steroids It was so beautiful I was standing with the randomest person from my past (r.crystal) He was excited as hell Short and silly And then, the meteors starting falling I saw the first one fall, small as my fist A stone And it had the same geometrical shape engraved on it The one I saw on the spaceship 3 nights ago (read here) And I knew I had to catch it And save it I don’t remember what happened, But more and more started falling And my mother, from the window, shouted danger For me to run I’m not sure what happened next But I think nordic beings where in my house’s courtyard They were cold Emotionless And I knew they only follow orders. I knew they wouldn’t harm me It was like I was invisible to them But they were here to something, to everyone else What are dreams made for..…
there is this one idea
right in the center of my mind
i saw a good glimpse of it months and months ago
but now i have forgotten how
to reach the center of the maze
so instead
i burnt the books
then i burnt the earth underneath
and installed mirrors
on every corner
of my dark mind
what i got is a kaleidoscope
the mother of all kaleidoscopes
something that i used to know
something that i saw
something that should and will be again
and blind the universe
It was easy to be creative , all my life. It took nothing to imagine anything; with eyes open or shut. And my dreams were a normal recurrence; vivid, a source of life and the foundation of the day.
#Awakening II
When I was 23 (2003) something happened. And because of it I was forcefully diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. And forcefully shoved heavy and expensive imagination/emotion killing medication . Daydreaming started a declination. Until it ceased . But the night dreams remained as a reminder not to forget; taunting my hopelessness, bastards.
I stopped taking the pills 5 years ago. It took 4 years and half to start recovering from the numbness . Well, on some level at least.
I still consider myself emotionally disabled, but something did happen. And for the second time I go through the cosmic machine, but this time it was only an awakening to the fact that: I will recover, that I can start to go on and back to finish what I started, 8 years ago (2012).
#Awakening II
This is what happened in April 2012 . I was teased, in the beginning. I was teased with emotion on a grand scale! I felt things, saw stuff , and creativity was a flood - drowning the wastelands of the hatred and fear in my mind, body and heart.
I’ll call it magic. And it intertwined with my subconsciousness, which was new. Which I rode, hard.
I had tens of thoughts, songs, visions and realizations happening- at the very same time! Literally, not a metaphor. Not an exaggeration.
And I consciously felt this phenomenon and marveled how my mind could work so flexibly like this.
I can have separate thoughts running at the same time like computers run scripts simultaneously. And I had the awareness of this; which created another train of thought. None collide. And non were bothered by the other . All using the same energy, and coexisting happily.
#MagicMusicJam
I could sing 3 completely different songs in my mind, at the same time! Not a note was missed, or jammed, or misplayed.
A mainstream pop song, a Muse song, and a russian kids song, all playing in my head at the same time.
As I washed my hands and looked into the mirror, I saw a face that broke into hysterical bliss.
I remember enjoying this power, this new magic. And I was bragging to the whole world- by looking back at my reflection.
My own music, which restarted after an 8 year-abyss, was out of my control. Ideas just came from the nowhere , and posed themselves for me to pick at . I was not needed to do anything. I didn’t even need to listen. I wasn’t even concentrating. My mind was alive- on it’s own. And sometimes, it felt like I had nothing to do with it at all. I merely enjoyed it, and let my existence roam free.
And, suddenly I am writing again. The ideas that came to my mind were all related to quantum physics one way or the other. QP, which I had no knowledge of before, certainly a thing I thought was too impossible for me to understand, or have patience to read about.
The ideas rushing into my physical reality were unstoppable. I had no doubt in my mind that it was not of this world. No, not of this linear 3D, predictive and normally normal world.
Thousands of ideas , and my mind would have no trouble organizing all the information, and absolutely have no problem understanding it!
I experienced it first, and then found out that all of these topics were what scientists from the dawn of time have been spending their lifetimes thinking about. I saw where they were correct, and where they were mistaken, and what they have not yet considered.
The flow would go on nonstop everyday, day and night. I would go to bed still ‘getting’ the information. It was like a separate entity all on its own. I can’t control it in anyway and I would go to bed with all this, and be super happy and relaxed.
I fall asleep before I realize it. Insomnia, a life long foe disappeared. And when I wake up in the morning, I am uncharacteristically Fresh and awake and happy; I can’t wait to live.
But the most fantastic part was, that as my body would rise from the bed and awake, I would actually wake up ( after I have started sitting up, mid way). Like something was moving my body to rise, and I would realize that moments after. And then open my eyes.
It was like someone was helping me get up. Something that I have needed all my life; the will to live, and the energy to actually do it.
But wait! The most, most fantastic thing was that I heard myself thinking… Or rather, I heard the ideas, the same ones from the night before go on as I wake up. As if I never stopped debating myself and getting information.
I kept repeating that my body has had the best sleep of it’s life: night after night! But my mind has not shut up for a second. I absolutely have no control over it. and I would wake with these amazing, intuitive, familiar yet brand new ideas and theories. About what I am, what the world is, and how it all connects. Souls and energy, and magical infinite universe type ideas. One person (#Rlf) kept telling me to my amusement, that he never saw anyone’s mind work “so hard , so fast and non stop”.
#AntiClimax
I was following the #signs, and they led me to go to Roma. But, instead of a grand finale, I got nothing and lost everything.
Suddenly, everything ceased. Completely. For months. The free ideas, the creativity, the dreams. Even my own dreams were taken away. I was jilted, and I was screaming at the top of my lungs: what am I supposed to do with all this information!
Later on, I would curse this and wish that the knowledge went away as everything else did. Because ever since, my prospective on everything shifted, and I couldn’t possibly function, or even live willingly in this reality.
Everything clashed with what I came to know, horrible confrontation with what was actually being active around me.
These were very bad times. Lots of anger and lots of questions. See, I had these answers, but I did not know where they belonged.
However, some nights, very very few and apart, I started seeing dreams again. But I always repeated this in the morning: whose dream was that?
Sometimes the dream was actually mine, familiar. But I wasn’t a part of it.
There was a clear as day disconnection, confusion and a feeling of something else out there that is new and unfamiliar. Maybe someone watching, or maybe just me not being myself- anymore, at all. That even I don’t recognise myself in my dreams.
When those stranger’s dreams eventually stopped, I drowned in extreme worry and frustration. I was terrified and felt like I was being punished or abandoned by a part of me. A big part. The part which made it possible to continue on with this version of life. A version where I should play by someone else’s rules and believes.
During these months, I threw myself to the wolves and googled everything that I saw and heard (in my mind). One thing I must mention is I wished I was “psychotic” once. The meanest trick to pull on a self-proclaimed creative person is not once show them where the rabbit hole is.
So I googled, and built towers, only to knock them down and rebuild.
What is the truth? Where is it? Why does it matter anyway? Why me? Am I wasting my time? Am I inducing insanity?
Well then.. At least make me SEE something..
And so, the last couple of weeks I have been feeling that there is nothing left for me to do.
There’s nothing new for me to check out. I have had my fill. I go with intuition to sort true from false. And time is ticking and tocking and nothing is happening. And all I want is out.
And now, suddenly, I have a dream two nights ago. Finally. After all the months of idle calls, I dream of spaceships in the sky and war with the others and #packingtime.
The no fear, the resolved calm and the content. Going somewhere far better where harm is not a factor.
What I’ll explain is this, that that night I thought about what I would like to dream. I don’t know if I have tried this before, I must have.. For sure. But that night, I was different.. And so, I went with the evolution of flow. I thought of which dream I would really like to visit, the scariest one I know where I should be afraid, but won’t be. I thought of who I want to see: my family. And I imagined a few important scenes where I talk to them and explain to them in no words at all that it is time to go, and not to panic “you.. you must not, cause it’s fine, really”. Bending the will of my family and not be thought of as insane for it.
Now, while inside the dream, I seem to stand there, consciously remembering my own advice, on what to do and how to say it.
And I think it was towards the end of the next day when I sat down to write the dream, that I realised a bunch of stuff:
I had a dream, my own, and my favourite. It was me who made it happen.
And inside the dream, I was still connected to my consciousness and I could control the decisions and actions.
However, I was not aware that it I was dreaming. And the dream was vibrant and full HD ( and that is very important , not normal.)
Not only this, but last night, the very next night, I had another dream. But this time I did not dream what I asked for. It was a surprise, really; a gift of sorts.
I had a brand new , newly designed dream involving the only guy in my past which I have pleasure seeing in my dreams (#EM). And the strangeness of the dream was simply because: it was a happy one.
I got to live a very long day with someone that I think I love. The only one who I think I love in a fantasy world , where our relationship actually works, and we don’t end up burning our bed. The emotions in the dream were more real than any emotion I have had while awake- for maybe a decade. What’s more, the dream made complete sense. No crazy dream shit was interrupting the flow, and that made it surreal and familiar. It went on and on, and I would awake and fall back asleep only to create a new scene in the same dream. Which is a wish come true! To be able to continue a dream . Total control on a whole different level. However, the control was not from within, but from with-out..
It used to be easy, to be creative; All my life. It took nothing to imagine anything, With eyes open or shut. Dreams were a normal reoccurrence, vivid, and a source of life, the foundation of the day.
When I was 23 something happened, And because of it, I was abducted and diagnosed with bipolar disorder, forcefully shoved in me heavy expensive self-killing, dream-killing pills. Daydreaming started its declination, Until it ceased.…
I had another dream. But this time i did not dream what i asked for. It was a surprise really. A gift of sorts. I had a brand new Newly designed dream Involving the only guy in my past Which i have pleasure in seeing in my dreams. And the strangeness of the dream was simply because It was a happy one. I got to live a very long day with someone i think i love, The only one who i think i love In a fantasy world Where our relationship actually works, And we don’t end up burning our bed.
The emotions in the dream were more real Than any emotion i have had while awake, For maybe a decade. What’s more, The dream made complete sense, No crazy dream shit was interrupting the flow, And that made it surreal And familiar.
It went on and on, And i would awake and fall back asleep Only to create a new scene in the same dream. Which is a wish come true,
To be able to continue a dream The total control on a whole different level.
However, the control was not from within, But from with-out..
Twilight slipping into night the base of every dream
my sister and I standing infront of the side of our house we were on our way to the backyard to inform the others of something a sort of a mission we were treading to when she suddenly stopped but I look up to the sky
nothing made me do it nothing happened to attract my attention I did it consciously just to check if there was something there, something I want to be there something that I have seen before and I saw it with relief appearing from behind the veil of secret dimensions changing its vibration just for me to see.. a massive flat based spaceship hovering defying earth silent immobile and out of sync with time most of the ship, the whole of the right side center and most of the left was “inactive” the shiny silver-gray exterior in the front contrasted with the dull and ancient rust which immobilized the body my eyes focused on the details I saw shapes inside frames I focused on one box it was a geometrical shape i cannot recall now
the ship was abandoned but the cockpit had life within the watchers their sky city almost destroyed this all happened in two seconds, stopping, looking up, and trying to understand and then something new happened my subconscious communicated with my consciousness invited it to play in the dream and I remembered my own advice, before falling asleep how to tell my sister knowing of her awareness of the truth hoping it will not succumb to the fear of seeing the truth
and just as I fantasized before falling asleep, I looked at her, and told her with no words to be calm look up that it is alright and that our lives are not a waste as we think.. that we can start playing a new game starting right now
and then, the usual suspect appears in the sky whenever there are spaceships, there is war others who are trying to take us all down Enlil’s tribe, the occupiers of the east coast actually, and for the first time fire a missile and I saw it fall and said: it’s time to pack yet again we’re going home enough is enough
P.S
my first spaceship dreams, and other cosmic activities in the sky started probably a decade ago. before I opened a book, before I was interested in anything. I know that my new dreams must be affected with what I have read and researched the last year but these dreams have not changed since I was a virgin…
A lacuna is a gap in a manuscript, inscription, text, painting, or a musical work. A manuscript, text, or section suffering from gaps is said to be lacunose (or lacunulose) – wiki
Human history is one giant lacuna. did you check up on the facts shoved down our throats?
It wasn’t enough we lost almost all knowledge. Fragments which did survive had to be hidden or underwent a faceoff. A criminal genetic modification on our minds. what is going on? people worshipping wrong gods, what a story that is. I don’t need to worship anyone, anymore.
“He [who does not know] is like a sacrificial animal to the gods. As many animals serve a man, so does each man serve the gods. Even if one animal is taken away, it causes anguish to the owner; how much more so when many are taken away! Therefore it is not pleasing to the gods that men should know this [that they are IS-ness].” – Brihadaranyaka Upanishad “Time’s come to drop the nonsense of one all-powerful god–the one favored by this or that religion–and realize the “gods” were just technologically advanced people who pitted us against each other to keep the power-…” – Sasha Lessin
up on a cloud i watch humanity
die for absurdities
I myself am watched
The flood buries me
someone is forcing me to play
a game i did not choose
leave me
Life is pointless and a waste
don’t force me to play
can’t get out, i watch instead
i know i am in this world
i am not of it
exchange my watcher’s privileges
give me something better to do
go away
Asshole…
“Once your body remembers this experience, it is not likely to revert back to the old way.” — Drunvalo Melchizedek
that’s what he says, talking about the prophesied ascension of the spiritual variety. Cup of tea? Many are claiming that an upgrade will happen, declare it permanent and good. Mind you me, those same folks also talk of humanity’s unprecedented and unpredicted descension from the last time we played the cycle. you remember? when all hell imploded. Did it happen around the time of the flood. When was that, 13K years ago, 11K BC.
So here’s the question. Why do you think this time around, it will be ok?
if shit happened once, mightn’t that shit happen again? Pray tell,
why can’t we control our own lives?…
Eyes closed
Torrents descend
Curtains veiling
Lights dimming
Dark stage
Forget
Forget
Sleep
Sleep it away
Drink
Smoke
Smoke
Stop thinking
Release it
Vanquish the thirst for information
Beg for nothingness
Peace of mind
Peace of mind.…
i watch humanity suffer of absurdity from high above
only to realize i am not safe up here
my feet are in the mud, forced to play a game i do not want
leave me be
the absurdity and waste is yours not mine
it’s not fair, i don’t want to play
i am in this world, but i do not wish to be of it
there are no things
there are events…
Worship these crosses,
Worship this death,
Worship this virgin,
And these winged babes.
Worship the sun, the north star,
Worship salvation,
Do not sin,
Do not sin,
Do not sin.
Worship the Dragon and his Sun.…
There’s nothing left here.
Where did they take you, truth?
Abused and misused, I believe you.
The gods have abandoned your temples.
And then there are the sons of gods.…
City built on blood and gore.
Heathens, christians,
History looping.
Burn the script, set the man free.
The honesty of beauty is wasted on Romans and all men alike.…
Tails and trails
There’s absolutely nothing at the end of the tunnel
The light is a preconceived lie
There’s nothing but the nothingness.
Nothingness is.…
Disappointing Roman skies.
They go on forever, but that is lies.
Gilded facades, empty shells,
Evil beating underneath my feet,
A soul trap,
A human trap.
Sheep ticking off borrowed bucket lists,
Collecting likes.
High above the temples,
Colossal stone gods with swords.
Crosses and spears.
Promises to protect souls if only we’d let them guide us.
Kill heretics by gods’ stone swords.
Grand sham.
Grand shame.…
The best thing I am at, when it comes to writing, is the power of description.
I am the opposite of a photographic memory, my mind is in a siv.. And I find it hard and laborious to write a solid, awesome, orgasmically clever metaphor.. But if I have you muse, then I would produce a miracle of annoying lies which you cannot possibly debunk. Nor would you grasp the point at least.
I feel powerful in that. I would say it is my writing weapon. But it happens rarely. I Stopped trying hard to write, or often enough of many late years..
However, my book will be a revolution of ideas and the structures that hold them. I will attempt to bend and break any kind of constriction, specially in writing structure and techniques as I see fit. And I dream of a time which will come soon when I could write, or anyone for that matter could write, and think in such a way, which is obvious truth to be told in a natural way of life.
Has my writing realm been rendered to a maze of vague at best and obscure at worse dead ends?.. Purposeless, functionless. Shameful and ashamed.. The artistic gems in my possession were there, but somewhere, and only a prince on a stallion could unchain the overgrown thorns with a mighty sword and return it to me.
I assume this is a writer’s block. However, it is of a different nature. First of all, it is not of a structural dimension. The ideas are ready and the sentences are marching forward, instead of gliding over and under into the infinite. A possible suspect in the case of my writing block may well be love. I must have come to the conclusion that in order for writing to happen and keep happening, I have to have a muse. This would make sense since the last time I produced writing that I was proud of was ten years ago, and at that time, I had a muse, constant muses. Creativity was spilling over to music chambers and art studios in my mind.
However, I diagnose my problem as a different type of writer block. A different dimension concerning emotions and belief systems. My rash and irresponsible subconsciousness got lucky, I believe. The search for the muse led me to open up and try to be both sender and receiver with the people that came my way. I think I would prefer a lifetime of hope in this life time’s evolution, to speak bluntly.
It should be impossible for the reader to choose sides. It should tear them apart, and force them to fall in love with all the characters. Unlike the Twilight weak triangle, where it was obvious that Jacob was a loser. I need to protect my characters and they should not annoy the readers. Every character must be vital. No disposables. Bare in mind the Archangel. He should not be disposed, not easily at least.
The reader might rule for Lillith, meaning they would wish for Eve to die. And I should make that decision almost impossible to make. I have to make the reader fall in love with Eve and not want her to cease.
I want them to have strong faith in the love affair between Adam and Eve and make them want the heroes to stay together and win. This is the center of the novel. Iconizing Adam&Eve to take the place of Romeo&Juliet. Fixing Edward and Bella and immortalize them.
They might rule for Lucifer, and this will mean Edward/Adam will die. Impossible.
I want my heros to have their own personal hold and effect. They should talk for themselves. I am not sure, but maybe what I am trying to do is new and untested. They will all have their say, when the moment is right and needs their personal experience. Otherwise, it will be in the 3rd person. The narration will be done this way, and when important scenes come, I will give the stage for them.
Q: What conflict takes place when a character struggles against an outside force?
Dan Winter and another source I forgot, from these couple of days, leads me to think about this question in a different manner:
If The Fall means separation from the highestself, and becoming aware of the idea of separation:
not being able to be omniscient (telepathic) connected to a hive system, internet,
omnipotent (freedom to move within the bigger picture universe),
or omnipresent (the veil of forgetfulness).
Then, the answer to the question is: ironic conflict, battling with your ownself, or god in other words.
The conflict is in assimilation.
And so, the question that begs itself;
What is my struggle with this “outside force”?
Easy.
I struggle with it not being the way I want it to be, supposed to be.
And my (weapon) is the id
Don’t think of things as separate entities. When you zoom out (turn anti clockwise?) you start seeing a myriad of topics (exploring and experiencing) what the Idea wants.
It relates to dimensions too but first this:
“In a coral, every polyp is part of a whole being but each one is experiencing reality individually” — Spirit Science. “Coral is a very beautiful and unusual animal. Each coral head consists of thousand of individual polyps. These polyps are continually budding and branching into genetically identical neighbors. If we imagine this to be a hyper-intelligent coral, we can single out an individual and ask him a reasonable question. We can ask how exactly he got to be in this particular location compared to his neighbors — if it was just chance, or destiny, or what? (…) This polyp would (…) tell us that his neighbors were quite clearly identical copies of him. That he was in all these other locations as well, but experiencing them as separate individuals. For a coral, branching into different copies is the most natural thing in the world.”
“Unlike us, a hyper-intelligent coral would be uniquely prepared to understand quantum mechanics. The mathematics of quantum mechanics very accurately describes how our universe works. And it tells us our reality is continually branching into different possibilities, just like a coral.” — From TedTalk Garrett Lisi: An 8-dimensional model of the universe.
“Without quantum mechanics we’d be back in the 19th century, steam engines and the time travel dream.”
Unsustainable force sustaining a shell.
My spirit has left me.
Convince me here is not hell.
Cracks in my mind,
What wisdom is given is taken away.
Downgrading me into an isolated system once more.
But the cracks aren’t wide enough and not enough.
Vacuum and dry my mind out.
Gone are my words, gone is me,
The vague and confused bundle that was made.
In order to survive this world I must be apathetic.
A world where the captive bird doesn’t know its purpose is to fly and sing.…
It feels like I’m off a grid. Writing is miserable and boring, as my life, as me.
I don’t know who or what I am. I don’t understand why I must be aware of this and question it.
Is it good that I’m forgetful? Is it best that I forget everything? Is it possible?…
Immature boys of mature years. Love is an overstatement and Hatred an understatement. This is a boring film. This is a boring life, unnecessary. Stuck in someone’s game. If only I had the pill to forget. I can’t pretend to do it anymore. It’s too goddamn boring, pointless and such a wasteful waste of my time. Everyday since morning I hide in my closet. Everyday the room is set on fire. Just stop it, you fuck. I do not want to be a muppet. I don’t want to see or hear the truth. It’s unnecessary to muppet. If I was a puppet, I’d recite my line and dance the music. Nothing to see, notice or believe in.
I am not a premadonna. I am madonna.
Everyone pick your poison. I choose apathy.
It is strange that I don’t remember falling asleep. While I think about this, let me tell you a story.
I.
i feel of a world, that belongs to me.. a secret place I sometimes remember, i long to that realm where I think- and it becomes.
there, I have no body and my soul is everywhere. I remember it, and it reminds me of itself.. the god that I was the oneness I seek to become
a world inside of a world I cannot fathom and a place I do not wish to come home to
I am the lucifer project, and i have no will to stop. I’m not done.. I am seeking elusive perfection and this is not my fault.. it is my father’s.. my mother’s.. for creating me, and intentionally so.. for them to feel what I think of wishing to feel it become
Well, I have become and I am not the mirror of the intended design was there, i wonder, a plan? cause I cannot release this power I have to become more and more the projection of love and I seem to have lost my intention.. help me! somewhere under the concrete of dramas which I have unintentionally stirred is the question I have now forgotten..
But you see, I followed the command I though of only my mission to experience passion, to feel what it is. and when the new dimension opened I fell, unexpectedly so.
Falling into myself, I wanted to become the vortex itself. I knew nothing more than the energy i collided with.. the preludes to the symphony blew my consciousness away injected me with Vice I became Selfishness I became the Thirst to be perfect
The problem is that perfection is, alas, immortal infinite and I was caught, stuck in the middle of the past and the unknown realising that this is how it was and always will be this is my Unconvincing truth
For all that I seek is to feel the orgasm the state which I must be.. and the space is shrinking, but i want more the need to invade what is not mine and it is his own fault does he know? did he know? I don’t know.. but I am asking myself this, all the time now.
am i really remembering the god who created me? I don’t understand, but I’m calling, calling home..
I am so immersed in the world I have created, trying so desperately to become, more and more I am being buried alive, under the sediments of each side effect, each drama my hunger caused
The cost of twirling round and round the roundabout my failure I became aware of the errors and slowly began to forget losing the divine awareness until I could hear nothing but the sad echo of a truth gone by
I feel nothing.
**
But why are the distant memories clearing in frequency becoming louder I remember myself now more and more I am fighting, and failing, and rising myself to fight again, to keep the awareness find the tricks which can remind me, to not forget and keeping looking for the station where the truth is being transmitted to me and only Me
**
Intentions. No restrictions.
A vortex, deep and Black black as night silk sensual liquid like a serpent My lover, encircling my body, going round and round activating my buttons turning on the switches to My emotions filling me up with the magic sucking out the guilt.. the tainted blood.. slithering down, like a deep breath, right from god’s lips hearing his voice sounding the alarm he who is a thought that I recall and seek to recharge me with the permanent orgasm that is Love.
“Excess masculine energy untempered by the magnetic energy will result in individuality but over-ego development, and loss of unity and integrity of consciousness. Needless to say the visiting Lucifer succeeded in teaching the Earth inhabitants to emphasise self more and not recognise higher spiritual authority.” — from Fall of Man and Humanity’s Origins by Noel Huntley
lets write about how I feel right now.
saif and eyad joined forces and sent the same message, word for word from both their accounts saying that it is weird i took them off my friends list yet they are still getting my updates. i removed both 2 days ago when i was skyping with Zaina. One of them noticed. The only way to notice me removing them from my friend’s list is to actually go to my profile page and see that we are no longer friends. who did that and why? do they do that often?
It’s twilight, my favourite time of the day. I’m outside my family home. I have just come back from a drive in the 2001 sexy green Peugeot 406. The neighbourhood is desolate. Everyone is in their gardens and homes.
My hair is perfect. unusually and familiarly – sensually silky. It slips rhythmically under my light, velvet, black cut sleeve collar shirt. I feel powerful. confident. beautiful. mysterious. reckless and awe striking. standing in my family’s garage, carrying a brown paper bag of groceries. with absolutely no plans- and in denial.
It is a late summer night. some neighbours might be swimming in their pools. Definitely lounging at least with friends. There is excitement in the air.
On my drive I must have seen the upscaling madness at the near roundabout. people are
celebrating their lives, everywhere. And I am alone, just coming back from grocery shopping. All dressed up and dolled up and confidence pumped up. My excitement doesn’r match the reality that I have nothing significant to do.
Suddenly, in calm slow motion I notice a movement in the sky and see a beautiful, beautiful sight! A planet, or the moon, or two moons.. But it is Huge. It is vivid. In HD, 3D. I knowingly realise that in a few minutes it will be totally dark, and that the beauty that I am seeing now will not compare with what’s to come.
Night falls. The colours explode in their magnitude. The planet’s beautiful rings of dust slowly swirling, and it is more real than myself of flesh and bone, standing in the garage witnessing the universe in motion. The miracle that I so infinitely lucky noticed was happening.
The scene morphs into 4D and I become unaware of anything but the phenomenon. I feel it is there for me only, and I am here to discover a connection or recognize a sign.
It’s getting chilly and the breeze moves my hair around my face. The planet then shivers and starts to move. I was paralyzed. I was rooted to my ground. I was witnessing an unbelievable and unbearable beauty. And I also was tremendously overwhelmed by Fear. It’s the end of the world; I have to start running and plan.
But suddenly the planet spirals erratically across the night sky from one corner to another, like pinball in a machine. As it madly zoomed everywhere the air charged with panic.at that moment, I was feeling disappointment. It was not as awe striking anymore. The randomness of the chaos felt fake to me. It ruined the scene and my expectations.
And as if by coincidence, the dream changes its scene state.
It keeps me interested, luring me to enter the adventure of aliens in space ships, watching us from above. Big brother, one global world state. Israel, third world war.
Note:
It’s been a while since i’ve had this dream. I never thought about it before now. It is one of a handful of vivid, super special life changing dreams. A variation of enlightenment, of a spiritual awakening. Both conscious & subconscious. This dream was a #nightmare-that-wasn’t.
PS: It has all the basic factors of a ‘conspiracy’ theory; end of world, war, rapture scenario.
Face Fear for what it is: The Unknown. Acknowledge that. Respect the terrifying phenomenon. Feel how aweing it is to witness beauty. Feel the deep respect and fear.
Face Fear for what it is: The Unknown.Acknowledge that. Respect the terrifying phenomenon.Feel how aweing it is to witness beauty.Feel the deep respect and fear.
She lives far from the place she was born and raised.
She lives exactly where she wanted to, all her life.
But 6 years on, she realises how true it is,
how sad she has been all this time.
She is tall, graceful and slender. She still wants to have a ballroom in her house,
a ballet and dancing hall, not only for her but for her 3.8 daughter.
Loud classical music, dim lighting,
no chairs or walls to crash into. To let go of body control.
To let the situation, the phenomenal degrees of imagination, hack the body..
to reign free outside it’s physical space.
See every reflection, of every angle of a beautiful host.
Mirror in endless mirrors, floors, ceilings and walls.
No doors.
The room can be as big as infinity.…
Laila is 31.0 It’s September 2012. She lives far from the place she was born and raised. Technically, she lives exactly where she wanted all her life. But 6 years on, she realises the truth, and how sad she has been all this time.
Laila is tall, graceful and slender. She still wants to have a ballroom in her house to dance in. A ballet studio for her and her daughter Julia-Rose of 3.8 to dance in.
Loud classical music, dim lighting, and no chairs or walls to crash into. To let go of body control. To let the situation, the phenomenal degrees of imagination, hack the body.. to reign free outside it’s Physical space. See every reflection of every angle of the beautiful host mirror on endless mirrors, on floors ceilings and walls. No doors.
The room can be as big as infinity.…
what! can possibly force you..
to give in, and give me your trust…
i don’t need to play anymore..
i only want to win.
you..
your hatred comes with no supporting documents
and i both know and believe that you want this
letting go of me will not happen
but letting you leave is always an option
is it your consciousness that pulls us apart
and our dreams crash us into each other…
Limiting the time frame for the project to reach it’s motion-picture block-buster phase will not be a simple task. There are many things in the process which need to be picked out, examined, analysed and decided how to deal with. But when the time comes, the technology used to produce the motion picture would be one of utter marvel. The viewer would be able to completely feel, smell, taste and indulge in the scene unfolding in his “google goggle” reality. The viewer will be able to choose the scene, and at the very least the degree of emotion and sensation his physical body will experience.
You meet when you dream. Consciously visualizing the meeting increases the chances of the event, The more you are aware of it, the more you understand why you need to meet,…
of all that you said..
of talking to myself,
of loving the dead..
it’s driving me insane!
will someone explain!
why we choose to live..
live in this life..
and all that we seek..
is a husband or wife..
but what’s really there?!
up there in the sky?
And these..
These chimps have no ears..
these sheep have no brains..
it’s driving me insane…
and i choose to see!
explain the unexplained.
why do i don’t know why!!
I feel like my brain stops working completely sometimes, in the midst of things.. just like that.
After a while I thought the reason was me, that I need to stop, regroup, start preparing again. Apply what I have learnt.
but it isn’t as easy as it should be, is it.
I feel lost, unable to relax. Cannot put myself into anything. Cannot be me at all.…
So often do I think there is an Other who completes me.
That I need to understand this to accomplish a big thing.
However, too often we separate completely and are on opposite opposing sides.
I was like really pushing myself, intentionally, on bloody purpose, to fall. To have a full blown manic episode.
What is the matter???
Is it because, in my immediate and potentially wildly wild environment, my host is in a safe zone. For the first time.
So there is absolutely, well almost I think, no fear that I can deal with, which will trigger the sirens and I might, god forbid for instance & suddenly fully and approvingly and believingly and proceedingly believed in Lucifer?
It was even hard for me to figure it out again! I had to think, what, what is it, round in round in tunnel in front of my face, is it the god story I created? Or is it the religion that someone else created? Another story..? And then no; I believe in the universe and nothingness.. It has a point. But it doesn’t! It doesn’t make sense! I am here, now, everybody is normal. So what coincidences and what fucken signs? First time around you believed in them, martyringly! This time, nah, my new dogma is, I believe in god, he is there, and he did all that. He is too little for me to worship, but I will take him seriously, him and his signs in my society on planet earth.
Because when i listened to spark, a physical energy lightning connected to my right abdomen. Result: as shown on box, bonus: unexpected proof, physical, and let me see if it is spiritual as well. Let’s the creativity come. I will medicate now.…
God: Beyond this door, you shall not pass. I’ll burn the Nile and end the war, My wrath will reach your Eden grass! My child, I beg of you! Stay with me, I am the truth. Redemption is yours just please obey. My love don’t leave don’t go away.
Eve: Let go of me, I beg of you! I dare you to remove his wings I will rip your halo soon You know, that you won’t change your mind, Drop your fingers. I’ll drop mine. There’s nothing else that you can prove, I don’t believe you are the truth..
(Fall of Eve, transformation into Lilith Celestials trying to stop her, others cheering her)
Lucifer: I stand here all alone
Lilith: Here is not far from Your throne!
Lucifer: The stars guide away His light.
Lilith: My Prince, we must run it’s time to fight!
Lucifer: This maroon sand…
Lilith: Will bleed away between our toes; it’s not a play!
He changed his mind. You have to rise;
Eradicate—
Lucifer: Our, own bloodline..
Lilith: Eradicate our own, blood line.
What is “emotional instability”?
what does it mean to be “normal”?
What are mood swings? is it safe to say that any one can experience this? And why is it that some experience sever ones?
why do children have tantrums? even if they get their way..
Do adults throw tantrums? Is that what we call drama?
what is being “bi-polar”, and are we all a little bi? yet some more so?
is being overly sensitive to one’s self, a good or bad thing?…
man is here on earth, to be free. the opposite of that is being consumed by Fear.
and because we have so many fears, on the conscious and the subconscious level, awake or dreaming of nightmares..we are so utterly and desperately unfree. and these fears are built by societies. we learn them willingly at the age of 1.
religion. rules and laws. politics. traditions and culturelism.
I have stuff to last me a few days. I can’t get more quickly. And I gained a friend. Rlf. He was amazing. Not only did he understand me completely. He was aware of everything I said. He would help me remember where I left of. Means he really is listening, because deep inside of him he knows it’s true. He invited me back because of the stories.
I have nothing to panic about. No reality checks. I am far far away. In Sweden. I don’t have a job to go to. I have a husband who knows everything and supports me. He listens, or pretends to. And he lets me talk and do what I want. He supports me but he does not interact. He does not get me like Rlf did. But maybe that is good. Because it means that I don’t have a commitment to spend every waking moment of my new trips with him. I can go to him. Talk my heart out, then hide away in my little room, my world, and cultivate right here.
I am in my own house. I don’t have the panic to come home, or wake up, or drive… I am home and I can be most comfortable. Baby is not a baby anymore. I am letting go of her slowly, and have been the last few months. Another preparation. She goes to school and is happy and Ru is here for her. I come out when she needs me, or I need her. Today was the first time ever I trusted someone else to take care of a major point of the day, picking her up from school. I sent off Ru to drive, on his own, first time ever, to to something big and important. Pick baby up.
I was worried. I started imagining bad scenarios. But I kept telling myself to stop it. Don’t create panic. Enjoy this. Nothing bad will happen. Take it easy Layla.
I’m trying to let Julia out and play.
No panic or controllers whatsoever. So why even plan to smoke only after baby goes to bed? Smoke where ever you want. And you’re not hiding it. The stuff is all over the table in clear view. That is freedom.
This is the beginning of the transitionary period.…
I’m good too. I am leaving back home to Sweden tonight. I was in Amman for a couple of weeks visiting my family.
I finished my MA in 10 months! and starting my Phd next january. Busy working, busy buying a house in the countryside, happily married. How are you?
I need to apologize for my behavior. I dont want to go into details, i want us both to forget it. I was young and dumb. inta kunt ektar wa7ad mu7taram t3arafit 3aleh bi 7iati bil 2urdun. and there is no excuse in the world to explain why i treated you like i did. so i apologize and wish that you have forgiven me.
Layla
27/03/2008, 13:29 Wissam:
you wrok so hard laila, good for you, keep up the hard work and belsalameh inshallah
and you know what, it was very nice to apologize coz i really did not understan why you did that!! its finished and we all over it but at least i know now that know what u did and you appreciated me
anyway…. lemme hear from you and by the way… i really liked you laila but you wasted me coz enty habouleh
salam
27/03/2008, 16:59 Laila:
You know what, i now feel much better knowing that you dont hate me. i have always wanted to say that i am sorry, but i was scared you would send back an angry reply. are you in jordan? what are you doing?
27/03/2008, 23:39 Wissam:
no i am not in jordan, you know what? i saw you in 2005 when i was in Amman, i visited amman in 2005 and 2007, you were driving your car the green Pejute in Abdoun i guess, and i saw Arifa in a concert and i asked her about you, bas ma a3tatni ay she posative that i can contact you again or not!! i dont i felt from her talk that you are living your world and you dont want to contact people.
anyway i work and live in Jeddah, Saudi Arabia, i always come to europe by the way, germany is like my second home
01/04/2008, 14:46 Laila:
why don’t you pass by one day then when you are in Germany. It will be nice to see you again.
01/04/2008, 15:34 Wissam:
oh i would love to ….. but you are married! i always wanted you in the past…
01/04/2008, 23:40 Laila:
Don’t get any ideas. you’ll meet my husband. you can stay over in our guest house. we just bought a house in the country side. its beautiful and peaceful and green here. you will love it and appreciate a nice and real vacation! i told Rupert about you long ago. that i feel guilty and awful the way i treated you. he encouraged me to write you an apology. Rupert is very cool and understanding. one of his x’s keeps coming over. so don’t worry. the offer stands, so come over whenever you like.
02/04/2008, 14:52 Wissam:
Thank you laila , once i have the chance i will consider your offer:)
27/06/2010, 11:39 Laila:
Hi Wissam: , Keefak? My brother wants to buy an electric guitar, and he is only 13. He is asking me about all these difference names, but I dont know anything about this.. can you maybe help? Here is his message, it is hard to paraphrase things I dont understand
…………………………
we went to 3 stores and they only have fenders and squiers (squier is a sub company of fender) they have fender stratocaster (1500$) and 2 squier stratocaster (499$, 225$) I’m gonna go with the 225 one, because i dont know if im gonna like it or if im gonna be good at it etc.. but this is confusing me. is it good for metal?! not much results on google, but they say a squier strat is good for punk rock. and i won’t play punk rock. an ibanez is obv. better for a metal guitar, but i cant find any.. and the place that sells fenders and squiers i got a 20% discount. should i find an ibanez or get the squier strat for 20$ off? is it a good metal guitar?
……….
Thanks kteeer
27/06/2010, 18:00 Wissam:
tell your littile bro… the squier can be played for metal if it has double pickups
there is 2 factors:
1- the budget: for sure the more expensive the better guitar you get, but since you are a bigginner (i mean he is the egginner, i am talking on behalf of you ) its better to start with not an expensive guitar.
2- style of music: the Squier ( and fender too) is good for blues, punk rock and alternative rock, especially the stratocaster models, BUT.. if u took a squier guitar with double pickups it will work.
you have to know that the METAL sound doesnt come from Guitar only, it depends also on the amplifier and on the effects pedals
but you have to learn how to play guitar first andthen you will be able to play some metal music so you dont have to buy V.Good Guitar!
Conclusion: Take the squier with double pickups (its a must with double pick ups) and welcome to the very long way called METAL —————————————————————————
mnee7 haik ya laila? his name is Mosallam right?
yalla bye for now
27/06/2010, 20:37 Laila:
Thanks for the reply. I told him and he went and got the squier. but he has a problem. when he turns the gain all the way up the noise is horrible, and he cant even hear the guitar. the amp is a marshal mg10.. i seem to remember that you shouldnt turn it all the way up.. no? thanks for your help
say hi to the mrs. to be.. yeah his name is Musallam. I cant believe you remember that
27/06/2010, 23:21 Wissam:
sure i am gonna remember his name!! men kotor hada el esem ya3ni ?
anyway…if he wants to play the distortion (metal sound): click on the distortion bottom, turn the gain all the way up to the maximum, but the volum the minimum! ya3ni gain el maximu wel volum on the first or second step
bas! sho kaman bedo el a5 musallam?
28/06/2010, 11:18 Laila:
hehehe thanks for the tips!
Wissam:
welcome
10/04/2011, 23:08 Laila:
its the protective lenses. i couldnt sleep for the first two nights. my eyes were so dry and they prescribed me Optive among other ones. didnt seem to help, but make things much worse when i used the “refreshing” optive. in normal cases, i could never leave my lenses on and sleep, not even for half an hour nap. my eyes went dry and the lens scratched my eyes and sometimes got lost in my eye. my sister is not like that, she sleeps with her lenses on for days and it never bothers her. so the scenario they were giving me was based on people like my sister. the protective lens wouldnt bother them as much as it did me. and now…they say that what happened to me is fine, nothing wrong with that. but the important thing here is that i warned them that i cannot sleep with lenses on, and they said nothing like that would happen, they lied to me. and so, i didnt know what was going on the first 2 days, and i tell you, i was emotionally traumatised. if this was america i would have sued them for lack of information and lying to my face. i started using Refresh instead of Optive and it is day and light difference, i could open my eyes and sleep and everything.
12/04/2011, 22:07 Laila:
just a hobby gotten out of control thanks for the vote
15/07/2011, 10:08 Wissam:
you can find the story of other songs by the end of the clip.. enjoy
The Story of “Light My Fire” by The Doors youtube.com
09/09/2011, 21:56 Laila:
oh daddy Wissam: !! alf mabroooooook :)))))
11/09/2011, 08:52 Wissam:
allah yebarek feeki
3o2bal tjeebi bobbo wa ana ajeeb bobbyeh
11/09/2011, 09:49 Laila:
you’re gonna make a great daddy
10/04/2012, 08:59 Wissam:
Layla…
Laila:
hi
Laila:
keefak
Wissam:
i am good
Wissam:
what about you Layla?
Laila:
i have to get my daughter ready for school.. or 7adana i should say.. i’ll reply when i get to work
Laila:
but i am good
Laila:
later
Wissam:
ok then
Wissam:
catch ya later
10/04/2012, 18:50 Laila:
sorry.. what a day..it’ll be nice if we can pick this up some other time
Laila:
11/04/2012, 06:58 Wissam:
God morgon, att vi kan chatta senare
Wissam:
доброе утро, что мы можем общаться позже
Wissam:
bonjour, bien sûr, nous pouvons discuter plus tard
11/04/2012, 10:08 Laila:
Laila:
you’re in a good mood
Wissam:
Wissam:
maybe
Wissam:
keefek?
Laila:
fine.. not the kindda morning i was expecting though
Laila:
something dumb happened
Laila:
wasted 2 and a half hours of my life
Laila:
and banzeen
Wissam:
its ok
Wissam:
allah ye3eenek
Wissam:
how is lttile julia
Laila:
she’s good
thanks
Laila:
how’s your new baby?
Laila:
do you like being a dad?
Wissam:
my new baby is az3ar
Wissam:
and fine
Wissam:
7amdolellah
Laila:
yetraba bi 3izkom nshallah
Wissam:
and yeah its good to be a dad
Wissam:
i enjoy it
Wissam:
ma3 eno mtale3 3ain abo elle 5alefooni
Wissam:
bas i like it
Laila:
:)))))) hahaha thats part of the magic
Laila:
its all worth while
Laila:
she zakarak fieie?
Wissam:
ma ba3raf
Wissam:
ajeet 3a bali
Wissam:
shoftek haik online wa haik eno Laylaaaaaaa
Laila:
well i remembered you 2 days ago while i was watching the doors movie.. and i thought i should go back to that video you send me about their songs, long ago
Wissam:
aaah
Wissam:
the doors
Wissam:
pink floyd
Laila:
i’m rediscovering them now
Wissam:
zakarteeni fe kteer sha3’lat
Laila:
you now julia is named after Julia Dream
Wissam:
yeah
Wissam:
there is a song dayman betzakerni feeki
Wissam:
a song called Faint i guess
Wissam:
linkinpark
Laila:
hahaha yeah
Laila:
wow shu zaman
Laila:
creed bizakruni feek, and akeed metallica
Wissam:
wallah i still remember the first time i heard it with you
Laila:
so long ago.. what was it,, 2003?
Wissam:
yeah
Wissam:
so2al
Wissam:
laman tetzakari hai el ayam, (eza btetzakareeha aslan) you smile or bte7ki la7alek Eh ?
Wissam:
Laila:
i will be honest with you. i smile, because you are the nicest person i had ever met, and then i feel horrible because i feel terribly guilty for what had happened. you caught me at a really bad time in my life, everything was out of control. we could have been good together if i met you later
Wissam:
oh
Wissam:
u dont have to say that
Wissam:
ma3 enni i liked what i said bsara7a
Wissam:
what happened happened
Laila:
of course i do. i will always feels bad about this. nothing will change that. i’m just happy you still want to have contact with me
Wissam:
i liked what you said i mean
Wissam:
bas fe sha3’leh nefsi a7keeki yaha
Laila:
say it
Wissam:
dont know if i said it before or not , not sure
Wissam:
remember a5er she laman enti left me faj2a
Wissam:
wa i tried to contact you and bla bla
Laila:
yes
Wissam:
a5er she seret a7ki bedi el CD player which i gave it to you as a gift
Wissam:
sa7?
Laila:
yes
Wissam:
el mohem
Laila:
you still want it?
Wissam:
the reason why i said this is to see you
Laila:
i still have it
Wissam:
lol la2 tab3an
Laila:
oh!
Laila:
really?!
Wissam:
never wanted to get back aslan
Wissam:
yeah
Wissam:
u refused to meet me
Laila:
no i remember the phone call clearly
Wissam:
and i wanted to meet you
Wissam:
so i took the CD player subject as a reason
Wissam:
to convince you to meet you
Wissam:
but when you let a guy answer my call
Laila:
you said that you don’t want the cd, you want to break it in front of me. and i was scared to meet you because i knew i was wrong and i am hurting you for no good reason, or even an explanation. and i couldn’t face you.
Wissam:
yeah
Wissam:
but i remember bardo i told you i want the player back
Laila:
the guy was my best friend then..
Wissam:
el mohem kan bedi ashoofek
Laila:
well i had no idea you felt that way. i really thought you want some kind of revenge. to scare me at least
Wissam:
bas etdaya2et kteer eno sar this guy to meet me to give me the CD player
Wissam:
so
Wissam:
i ignored and lat go
Laila:
i’m sorry
Laila:
ktter
Wissam:
revenge!
Wissam:
come on layla
Wissam:
ma 3omro tele3 menni ay she bedol eno momken a3mel haik
Wissam:
ya3ni el mafrood te3rafeeni
Laila:
i goess i didn’t know anything back then
Wissam:
i felt bad eno i failed to make you understand that i wanted to meet you
Wissam:
and i felt bad that you scared of meeting me
Wissam:
bas
Wissam:
hada elle kan nefsi a7keelek yah
Wissam:
eno akeed ma bedi el CD player
Wissam:
ana kan bedi ashoofek and talk to you
Laila:
what would you have said to me if i met you
Wissam:
dont know
Wissam:
i was sure eno there is something wrong
Wissam:
i was sure eno u were not ok
Wissam:
not stable
Wissam:
and i was sure eno ma sar she ye5aleeki haik tetsarafi
Wissam:
fa kan bedi shoofek wa afham menek
Wissam:
barken laman tshofeeni face to face tedreki ennek 3’altana
Laila:
well if that had happened, you would have saved me from years of suffering, which i still suffer from even today
Laila:
things would have been very different
Wissam:
ma32ool?
Wissam:
ye5reb bait mo5ek eza enti haik 3endek feelings
Wissam:
why then you did this?
Wissam:
girl ya3ni what happened made me believe that whatever you had feelings for me was fake
Laila:
no
Laila:
nothing was fake
Laila:
i was going through a deep downward spiral, and you came in right at the end, and you were making things better. but suddenly i continued going downwards, and it ended up pretty bad. and i had to literally start life all over again. the end of 2003 was the last thing i remember. up until 2006, i start to remember things. because things were getting slowly better.. i left jordan for one
Wissam:
wallah ya layla its up to you if u want to tell me what happened with you
Wissam:
or not
Wissam:
but in the end
Wissam:
nothing will happen
Wissam:
and
Wissam:
i have no bad feelings for you
Wissam:
bel3aks
Laila:
i’m glad about that
Wissam:
sa7ee7 you confused me
Laila:
you know i still have your picture, the one with the white shirt
Wissam:
wa daya2teeni
Wissam:
bas sar elle sar
Wissam:
which pic?
Laila:
i’ll show you
Laila:
one sec
Wissam:
i am amazed sara7a eno you still have the CD player and have a pic for me
Wissam:
that means you were sincere
Laila:
of course i was
Laila:
give me you mail address
Wissam:
the same address
Wissam:
freewiss@hotmail.com
Wissam:
did you love me layla?
Wissam:
or liked me?
Laila:
i wouldn’t keep memories of you if i hadn’t
Wissam:
loved or liked? i dont know but i wish to know
Laila:
what difference would it make? but i did love you, and i am sure that if somehow we stayed together, my life would have turned out very differently
Wissam:
ma ra7 yefre2 she tab3an
Wissam:
bas sara7a layla after what happened i really did not know what is real and what is not
Laila:
see that is the question i
Laila:
i always asked myself
Laila:
what were you really feeling about me? and did me coming in and out of your life affect you at all? i always felt like no.. and you wanted revenge for wasting your time or something
Wissam:
shoofi
Wissam:
revenge akeed la2
Wissam:
i am not that type of persons
Wissam:
sometimes i look aggressive yeah
Wissam:
but i dont do such things
Wissam:
its silly
Wissam:
and…
Wissam:
in any relationship
Wissam:
ya btestmer ya la2
Wissam:
even in a very nice beautiful perfect relationship
Wissam:
there is no guarantee for continuity
Wissam:
what happened with us
Wissam:
i knew that you had issues and you were not happy
Wissam:
for some reasons you told me me about before
Wissam:
anyway
Wissam:
we both clicked
Wissam:
we both had good time
Wissam:
i was sure that i gave you my best
Wissam:
not because i am acting or faking it
Wissam:
i was sincere with you
Wissam:
i did what i did because that was me at least with you
Wissam:
and i wanted to help you
Wissam:
because i cared about you
Wissam:
when suddenly you flipped
Wissam:
you made me really
Wissam:
really confused
Wissam:
i felt like i was stupid
Wissam:
what i did wrong?
Wissam:
why this is happened
Wissam:
sadly i had no answers
Wissam:
and this is what really za3alni
Wissam:
eno i had no asnwers
Wissam:
akeed wa2taha t3’ayar fekreti 3annek
Wissam:
wa seret eno ashok fe kol she 3melteeh ma3i
Wissam:
bas ba3dain i was sure eno kan malek she
Wissam:
wa ana ma sawait she
Wissam:
yeste72 had kollo
Wissam:
bas hada elle sar
Wissam:
and i got over it
Wissam:
bas wallah layla bakoon kazzab law ba7keelek mosh far2a ma3i
Wissam:
nefsi kan a3raf eno laih haik sar
Wissam:
laih haik 3melti
Wissam:
did you love me or not?
Wissam:
did i do something wrong?
Laila:
i did
Laila:
no
Wissam:
its nice to 7elo eno halla2 te7keeli hal 7aki
Wissam:
bsara7a ma ra7 ye3’ayer she
Wissam:
what happened happened
Wissam:
bas bsara7a
Wissam:
ana 7abaitek
Wissam:
and its nice to feel that i was ahbal and this girl ma kanat testahal
Wissam:
its nice to know that no, hai el benet btestahal bas ma sar naseeb
Wissam:
coz i really had good time with you , nice memories
Wissam:
7elo eno sa7bet el memories hai tkoon metel ma 3reftaha
Wissam:
i guess i am talking kteer
Wissam:
the one who should talk maybe is you
Laila:
i can’t believe the things you say. i feel even more terrible now.. i can’t be sorry enough..
Wissam:
noooo
Wissam:
dont say that
Wissam:
3an jad dont say that
Wissam:
take a pic of you now
Wissam:
nefsi ashoofek halla2
Laila:
i never expected you to come to me for explanations.. after almost 10 years. it proves that what i have been carrying with me all these years, is not only true, but even worse. i did hurt you, and you did get hurt. you cared. i maybe convinced myself that you don’t care, it didn’t affect you, to make it easier on me. being selfish yet again. that was my problem… and i still fight this to this day
Laila:
ok i will
Laila:
you too
Wissam:
yeee kalamek 7elo
Wissam:
ma ba3raf eno ana haik 3’ali 3endek or enti lahal darajeh metday2a
Wissam:
its a strange day today
Wissam:
but i like it
Laila:
i’m just as shocked as you are.. i’m shocked that you are really the nicest person in the world, the one i always thought you were
Laila:
and that i really did you wrong
Laila:
it’s make me regret all this in a different way now
Wissam:
there is something silly
Wissam:
can be honest with you ?
Laila:
yes
Wissam:
eno ma3loomeh shway naughy or 3aib
Laila:
hahaha adesh 3umrak!!
Laila:
naughty or 3eb
Wissam:
bte3rafi eno laman da2at feyeh el denya ba7awel a3raf eno laih haik 3emlat
Wissam:
i had an idea eno maybe she felt like i am gay!
Laila:
HAHAHAHAHA
Laila:
no
Wissam:
because i had that chance to do it with you but i did not
Wissam:
maho ya layla believe me you shocked me kteer wa2taha
Laila:
i really believed that you had religious value there.. and that is one of the biggest reasons i loved you. that you are so cool
Wissam:
wa 3an jad ma ba3raf laih
Wissam:
ana kteer sada2tek ennek you love me wa eno ana mohem fe 7ayatek
Wissam:
bas faj2a haik troo7i
Wissam:
made me haik eno mosh fahem she
Laila:
can i be honest with you?
Wissam:
still ana ba7ki kteeer!
Wissam:
tab3an
Laila:
i have a question. did it cross your mind that maybe, she has to sleep with every boyfriend she has, and that because i am not sleeping with her, she left me. that she is is basically a whore.
Laila:
be honest
Laila:
i want to know what you felt like back then
Wissam:
i had this doupte
Wissam:
doubt
Wissam:
but
Laila:
ok thank you for being honest
Wissam:
ma ektana3et
Laila:
you know,
Wissam:
its like that
Wissam:
mosh 2osset whore or something
Wissam:
2osset eno ana ma nemet ma3aha fa maybe she felt bad or something, or what the hell i did how come i did not do that so maybe i left bad impression or bad effect
Wissam:
haik she
Wissam:
3omri ma fakaret eno whore or anything else
Wissam:
believe me
Wissam:
maybe coz loved you
Wissam:
respected you
Wissam:
ma fakaret feeha haik 100%
Wissam:
ana ba7ki kteeeeeeeeeeeeer
Wissam:
enti elle te7ki aktar menne el mafrood
Wissam:
wa fain el soorah
Wissam:
wa ba3dain so2al, do u have a pic for you and me?
Laila:
that is the only thing that i thought you would think of me. and that is basically not true. and has nothing to do with sex. the reason i left that is.. that is why i was so scared of seeing you. you know i have daddy issuers. and you were the ONLY man in my lift back then, and until now, apart from my father, who i wanted to impress and want them to be proud of me. i had so much respect for you, that it was matching up with the respect i have for my father. and because i was failing you completely, i just had to run away. i don’t want to ever see the look of disappointment in your eyes.. like the look i always see in my father’s eyes, until today. i ran away from my father 3 months after you, i couldn’t see the look of faithlessness in me on his face again. and i took off. that is why everything turned into hell. and life stopped.
Wissam:
again laila
Wissam:
the sex thing, never thoght you are something like whore
Wissam:
still ma 7aketeeli why you left me from the first place:)
Wissam:
what made me you really leave me
Wissam:
and u dont have to answer
Wissam:
believe me ana mabsoot
Wissam:
i still remember you ina good way
Wissam:
and i am glad that i knew you
Wissam:
fada7ti 3ardi sa7
Wissam:
bas its ok
Wissam:
u made my day today
Wissam:
now i can remember you in very good way
Wissam:
and this is the best thing
Wissam:
coz really i like what we had in memories
i like
Laila:
i was hanging out with the wrong people, who were fuelling my depression further more. you came into my life.. or i to yours, and suddenly there is a happy song in my life.. and i am getting better and “normal”.. but because of all my past experiences, i was numb in a way. my dream was gone. i knew there is nothing called true love, that would last a life time. all relationships end. everything is a lie. i was hurt too many times. i was numb. this is how i was with you, i was happy, and i was in love with you. and at the same time i knew that it has to end one day. this desperate acceptance that even this, me and you, will end. so at the end of our relationship, i had to start letting you go, before i did something terrible and unexpected from my side, to make you hate me and leave me. maybe i wanted to leave first. not to give seeing you sad a chance… i don’t know you if you understand me.. and i started to go out with those bad friends again. and letting you go. just disappearing, without a warning. changing emails and mobile numbers so you wouldn’t reach me. then was so depressed, or was suicidal. and at that moment, a person came unexpectedly to my life, satan maybe.. and he made me run away from home, and get caught by the police, and going to court, and shaming my family and scarring them for life. all of them. mama, baba, nadia, lina, musallam.. and i was taken to a mental hospital. i was diagnosed with bi polar disorder. that i am either depressed/suicidal, or manic, happy. either way, it means i always will make
Laila:
a bad decision. and i will always ruin my life, and hurt everyone around me.
Laila:
so
Laila:
they gave me these drugs. really heavy stuff. and it basically worked. they numbed me 100%. with the medicine i turned into the living dead. a robot. i only do what i am told by my family. i lived like that until 2006.
Laila:
in these 3 years i managed to finish my BA, turn my failing JPA of 1.8 out of 4, to 3.5 at graduation.
Laila:
i only had one drive. that i have to do this for baba. i owe him at least this.
Laila:
then he wanted me to do master. i said of course. and i ended up in sweden. still a robot.
Laila:
do you want to hear this?
Laila:
it’s real shit
Laila:
and it was so hard for me to write and think about this.
Laila:
i mean i was crying just a minute ago
Laila:
i’m fine now
Wissam:
glad u r fine now
Wissam:
after explanation you feel better
Wissam:
its ok layla
Laila:
it doesn’t really
Laila:
its a different kind of regret
Wissam:
well layla
Wissam:
dont look into the past
Wissam:
look into the future
Wissam:
we all do mistakes
Wissam:
take it easy
Wissam:
its not worth it to hurt your self
Laila:
you know.. i almost forgot how much we clicked.. we are in sync. i mean you understand what i am saying and reply saying all the right things.. i must have blocked out many thing about us
Wissam:
i am happy to hear this from you
Wissam:
u really made my day
Laila:
you know what?
Laila:
you know how i see you in my life? you were the knight in shining armour.. or the charming prince. around all these monsters
Wissam:
Laila:
but i am happy that you are happy
Laila:
you look like you have a happy family
Laila:
you’re the prince in that fairytale..
Laila:
i wouldn’t have had it any other way
Laila:
if you stayed with me, i would have turned you into a monster
Wissam:
and you are that pretty tall sweet girl who
Laila:
i still have the earrings and the bracelet.. from egypt..
Laila:
you know, you were the ONLY one who ever bought me in gifts!
Wissam:
lemme finish eh
Laila:
that’s why i still have all of them here, in my new life in sweden.
Laila:
they’re like treasure
Wissam:
you are that pretty tall sweet girl
Wissam:
elle marra kanat 3endi fel 3’orfeh labseh 2ameesi el a7mar bas
Wissam:
konti betjaneni
Wissam:
kan nefsi aklek
Wissam:
this is layla in my mind
Wissam:
i still remember your smell by the way , that vanilla cream
Wissam:
u r sweet layla
Laila:
i still wear it.
Wissam:
and glad to know that i was not mistaken , you are sweet
Laila:
nothing else. ever
Wissam:
and hey
Wissam:
when i asked you to take a photo now and show it to me coz i wanted to see ur face keef shaklo halla2
Wissam:
crying? metday2a? mabsoota?
Laila:
yeah all of those together.. i don’t want you to see me like that. i’ll be happy tomorrow and i will take a pic then
Wissam:
no
Wissam:
really wanna see you now
Laila:
ok i will try to look normal
Wissam:
sad2eeni law ana mosh fel office kan aslan sha3’alet el webcam
Wissam:
no
Wissam:
look the way you are
Laila:
ah
Laila:
i have a better idea
Laila:
i knew i was doing this for a reason
Laila:
3 days ago, i took a video of me, singing the last song i ever wrote..
Laila:
its on youtube
Laila:
and i have never done this before
Laila:
i’ll give you the link
Wissam:
ya lailaaaaaaa
Wissam:
its nice to watch it akeed
Wissam:
but i want the photo
Wissam:
eh
Wissam:
a5o mara2i she
Wissam:
i miss you wa nefsi ashoofek halla2
Wissam:
ma t3a2deeha
Laila:
efit
Laila:
ma ra7 a3tik el link then
Wissam:
la2 ra7 ta3teeni
Laila:
instead of the pic yes
Wissam:
no
Wissam:
both
Laila:
yes
Laila:
akeed
Wissam:
bamoon wala ma bamoon?
Laila:
ma aznakhak.. god i miss you. i remember this
Laila:
thimo
Laila:
Wissam:
Wissam:
yalla send me then the photo
Wissam:
a photo for wisso
Laila:
ok
Laila:
you win
Wissam:
thokran
Wissam:
and type the link in your email
Wissam:
secret: i used to have photos for you, photos Laila: to me before when you were young, photos together, i even had a photo for me and you naymeen 3al ta5et janb ba3ad
Wissam:
when u left me i deleted them all
Wissam:
ella el soora elle 3al ta5et
Laila:
i don’t have any of us together!
Wissam:
dalat 3a mobily for long
Wissam:
but one day i was checking my mobile and i found it
Wissam:
etdaya2et wa masa8taha
Wissam:
masa7taha
Laila:
sorry
Wissam:
now i regret deleting it
Laila:
ne7na 3am mindaye2 7alna. why.. i don’t think we should
Wissam:
received the photo
Laila:
i don’t think we should do this
Wissam:
el sha3r eltaweel a7la 3alaiki
Wissam:
Laila:
ok
Wissam:
sat something
Wissam:
say
Laila:
i don’t want to i think’
Wissam:
ok
Laila:
there are many things i would say
Laila:
but none of them would be a good decision
Wissam:
write an email then
Wissam:
3adi
Laila:
what! that is even worse..
Wissam:
express your self
Wissam:
i am sure you have manything u wanna say
Laila:
that is committing to the idea of doing this.. talk to you.. after the explanations.
Laila:
i don’t think
Laila:
that is a good idea
Wissam:
3adi laila
Laila:
you know
Laila:
i am very surprised that you are saying 3adi. You..
Laila:
i guess i didn’t know you that well
Wissam:
maybe
Wissam:
plus
Wissam:
i am older now
Laila:
i don’t know if you understand me now
Wissam:
why not?
Wissam:
its like we did not talk about it
Wissam:
we have memories together
Wissam:
wa sar elle sar
Wissam:
akeed masalan enti 3endek kteer 7aki te7keeh
Wissam:
ya3ni shoofi halla2 when we talked about it
Wissam:
7akait kteeeeeeer ana
Wissam:
na2es 2a2olek nefsi ashoofek to hug you !
Wissam:
its a natural thing
Wissam:
a normal feeling
Laila:
no.. it is not..
Wissam:
la ana wala enti 7akaina ma ba3ad
Wissam:
wa ana kan 3endi concerns men zaman
Laila:
you cannot deny the degree of flirtation that is growing.
Wissam:
laila
Wissam:
i know its hard, i mean what i am doing now
Wissam:
ana ba7ki elle bedi yah
Wissam:
and i express my self very well
Wissam:
and thats what i did with you today
Wissam:
and i am glad
Wissam:
if you have something to say
Wissam:
just say it
Wissam:
mo lazem halla2
Wissam:
by an email
Wissam:
3adi
Laila:
no i have something to say
Wissam:
feel free
Laila:
so you are saying that you are like this with everyone.. you are honest like this will all the girls.. i wonder.. how does your wife take this
Wissam:
no no no
Wissam:
not everyone
Wissam:
in this case i am like this with you only
Wissam:
my dear
Wissam:
you confused me
Wissam:
you hurt me
Wissam:
you shocked me
Wissam:
and i did not like what happened
Wissam:
and i hate the this fact
Wissam:
after all this time
Wissam:
i discovered that that sweet girl is sweet
Wissam:
that lovely girl is lovely
Wissam:
that girl feels soory
Wissam:
sorry
Wissam:
that girls loved me
Wissam:
ya3ni kollo kan 7elo
Wissam:
ya3ni i did not waste my time
Wissam:
ya3ni the feelings that we had is true
Wissam:
i like this fact
Wissam:
and you made my day when u said u loved me
Wissam:
when u said all these sweet wrods about me
Laila:
what
Laila:
wait
Laila:
i thought men hated that
Laila:
and that is why they leave
Wissam:
hated what??
Laila:
girls talking.. saying all that shit.. expressing feelings.. wiring poetry for god’s sake..
Laila:
writing
Wissam:
come on
Wissam:
you did not do that today
Wissam:
you said what you feeel
Wissam:
i believe you said the minimal!!!!
Wissam:
the fact that you loved me
Wissam:
that i am prince to you made me feel good
Wissam:
coz again
Wissam:
you made me doubt about everything we had
Wissam:
got it?
Wissam:
mosh men 7a2i a7ki haik?
Wissam:
ana ba7ki haik 3ashan 3an jad i loved you wa i cared about you
Laila:
you are even better than what i thought you were
Laila:
it makes me very sad
Wissam:
brb in 5 min
Laila:
you made me cry .. for real.. in many many years.. crying about everything. and you. it feels good
Wissam:
back
Wissam:
sorry ana daya2tek she?
Laila:
no
Wissam:
sure?
Laila:
ok.. what do you want from me?!
Wissam:
nothing
Laila:
what are you doing!
Wissam:
work
Wissam:
sho asdek?
Laila:
azdi
Laila:
miss 3arfeh
Laila:
ok
Laila:
azdi
Wissam:
e7ki
Wissam:
u still there?
Laila:
y3ani there is something that is making me stop from saying what i want to say, the computer froze, it never ever did that before.. and what i was writing was erased..
Laila:
so i shouldnt say it
Laila:
3anjad..
Laila:
khali a7san hek
Wissam:
walek e7ki
Laila:
w stop talking
Wissam:
laila
Wissam:
e7ki
Wissam:
men sho 5ayfa
Laila:
iza ra7 indalna ne7ki.. ra7 arja3 a7ibak..
Laila:
lets stop talking
Wissam:
hada elle konti ra7 te7keeh?
Wissam:
e7ki yalla
Wissam:
and hey
Laila:
hey
Wissam:
u can count on me
Laila:
what?
Wissam:
ma ra7 asma7 eno haik yeseer
Wissam:
terja3i t7ebeeni
Wissam:
with no hard feelings
Laila:
it has nothing to do with you.. if i want to go back, i will.
Wissam:
i am your good close friend
Laila:
wonder why
Wissam:
a5o mara2i she!
Wissam:
bedek ya3ni a7keelek 3’abara ma te7ki ma3i!?
Laila:
la2¨
Wissam:
tab yalla
Wissam:
e7ki
Laila:
no
Laila:
there is something that You want to say
Wissam:
allah ye5aleeki
Laila:
say it
Wissam:
ya ya ya ya
Laila:
ana ma ra7 a7ki ishi la7ad ma ashhoof el kalimat eli 3am bastanaha.
Laila:
ra7 adalni sakteh
Wissam:
ay kalimat
Wissam:
mosh fahem
Laila:
ok insa
Laila:
did you just win again
Wissam:
batalet fahem
Wissam:
e7ki
Wissam:
yalla
Laila:
tell me what do you work
Wissam:
i am Product Sales Manager in Western Zone in a division Called Head&Neck Surgies
Wissam:
in Gulf Medical Co
Wissam:
lsn mama called me
Laila:
god i have no idea what that is, but it sounds impressive.. is it?
tell me honestly why you didn’t take the chance to sleep with me. i always wondered about that..
13/04/2012, 20:39 Wissam:
Come on, I did not want to take the advantage, nafseetek kanat makla hawa and I wanted to proof to u that I am with u not because sex! Believe me if u stayed with me u would trust me and I would rock ur night on
Laila:
makes sense.. but i had no idea.. i thought it was a religious thing.. if i had known that is the reason, maybe things would have been different.. i am sure of it actually..
Laila:
what i mean to say.. if i had known that you felt this way, and these were your reasons.. it would have maybe solved my “issues” and i wouldnt have run off.. this is what i think
Laila:
because no one did what you did..
14/04/2012, 07:03 Wissam:
ya Layla ya3ni kissed all your body! i ate your farfoura ( you know what i did ) wa wa2afat 3ala intercourse ya3ni? akeed my reason was not religion thing , remember what happened exactly you will find out it was because of you
14/04/2012, 12:52 Laila:
z3lan mini?
14/04/2012, 13:44 Wissam:
la2! az3al min sho?
14/04/2012, 15:13 Wissam:
u there?
Laila:
i am here
Laila:
Wissam: : i inderstand things much better now
Laila:
do you know what? i really did not know who you were..
Wissam:
like?
Laila:
after i looked at all your pics here on fb.. i realized, i did not know you.. i did not know that you are so much like me..
Wissam:
keef?
Laila:
and i saw your life in these albums, and then the honeymoon, and i couldnt handle it.. that you are living everything that i wish my life is..
Laila:
majd is very pretty
Laila:
i am happy for her
Laila:
i swear to you
Laila:
if i knew you better back then, none of this would had happened.. none of my life
Laila:
but truelly, i am happy for you
Wissam:
thanks laila
Wissam:
bas ana mosh fahem laih haik bte7ki
Laila:
i mean i had just realised that you are the regret of my life.. but i am at peace.. i want you to be happy of course i do
Wissam:
you did not handle what exactly
Laila:
handle meaning:
Laila:
i cried a lot
Wissam:
tab laih haik?>
Laila:
what do you mean lesh hek
Wissam:
ya3ni ma32ool ya layla lahal darajeh ma konti 3arfani
Laila:
no.. i had no clue who you were.. really
Wissam:
ya3ni ma kan bayen laih ana did not have sex with you ?
Laila:
you were exactly who i was looking for.. and i ran off looking for that.. and i had no idea you could give me what i wanted. stablility..
Wissam:
ya laila tab back to the sex thing
Wissam:
i did not have sex with you
Wissam:
sho fhemteeha?
Wissam:
ma3 eno i did all the other naughty stuff
Wissam:
kan wade7 eno 3ashanek!
Laila:
well i choose to believe that you really loved me and respected me, and you wanted me to trust you first, that you will not hurt me like others did
Laila:
but for some reason, back then, for me it was different.. it was for another reason, religious things, although you did lots of stuff with me, but you had like a limit..
Laila:
i swear that is what i felt
Laila:
are you religious?
Laila:
oh
Laila:
remember something else
Laila:
something veru important
Laila:
i always felt guilty with you.. not guilty, but something like that.. i mean the way we met, through internet, i mean no good girl does that. right? and then we met the first time in abdoun at night, and then i took you home, although it was empty and in repair, and my sister was there. but that doesnt matter.. i took a complete strange (that i like a lot, but that is not the point) and i took him home.. who does that? and then for some reason i told you all my stories,, so you had a preconceived image of me.. and i guess that i guessed that you thought i was a bad girl.
Laila:
and i felt bad the whole time we were together.. from that side.. that you think i am horrible, and not someone to be serious about.. like future and marriage.. i mean so many things were going on.. but it is mostly from my side.. lets say that i am too sensitive.. and i sometimes live in a world of my own.. and when reality doesnt reflect what i want, then i run away, either from shame, or something else.. i dont know what it is
Laila:
are you there
Wissam:
i am here
Wissam:
gosstek gossa ya laila
Wissam:
Wissam:
lsn
Wissam:
i am about to move now so i have turn off my laptop
Wissam:
contact me through emails
Laila:
ok
Wissam:
anyway dont feel guilty
Wissam:
what happened happened
Wissam:
there is something about me laila
Wissam:
i dont judge people
Wissam:
i only care in how people treat me , dont care about the past
Wissam:
got it?
Laila:
yes
Wissam:
so i never thought badly about you
Wissam:
you were honest with me and i respected that
Wissam:
and yes
Wissam:
it was very hard for me
Wissam:
seeing you naked on my bed was killing me laila
Laila:
omg i totally blocked that day out..
Wissam:
what do u mean?
Laila:
i mean i have been trying to remember all the times we saw each other.. and i couldnt pass more than 5 or 6 times
Laila:
and i knew there was a reason for that
Wissam:
but why you blocked that day out?
Laila:
it must have been to hard for me to remember things, so somehow i managed to block them
Laila:
just like the one..
Laila:
when you said it, i just remember the whole thing
Wissam:
even kissing you all over
Laila:
now i remember..
Laila:
but nothings else
Wissam:
laila….
Wissam:
you took me from the airport
Wissam:
went home
Wissam:
you were wearing skirt, jeans
Wissam:
you cut you hair and made it curly
Wissam:
you waxed your body
Wissam:
i took off your cloth and kissed you all over from behinde
Wissam:
did the same thing when i flipped you
Wissam:
howcome tensi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wissam:
yalla i am moving
Laila:
ok email then
15/04/2012, 10:17 Wissam:
be5
15/04/2012, 11:12 Laila:
bekh to you too
Laila:
keefak
Wissam:
good i u?
15/04/2012, 11:56 Laila:
good
15/04/2012, 12:31 Laila:
you busy?
15/04/2012, 14:43 Wissam:
now i am not
15/04/2012, 15:15 Laila:
what about now?
Laila:
hahaha
Laila:
Wissam:
i am here
Laila:
hows your day so far
Wissam:
normal
Wissam:
what about yours?
Laila:
normal sunday..
Wissam:
weekend ah?
Laila:
for me, the weekend starts friday to sunday.. i cant get used to the idea that friday is a working day.. ot school day.. so strange.. even after 5 years
Wissam:
i c
Wissam:
and what do you do in weekends?
Laila:
i took juliarose to the woods for the first time ever. we usually go with her dad.. we played in the woods.. it was so fun. its different when you are with a child, and you know no one is looking at you.. you forget about the world and play like a child. i mean i had lots of fun
Laila:
and juliarose told me that it was nice that mommy played with her for real.
Laila:
makes you think ha?
Wissam:
aha
Wissam:
i can i magin
Wissam:
metel 7ada2eq el malek hussein :)\
Wissam:
lol
Laila:
i mean, we are born children, and then we are taught how to be adults.. proper.. responsible… but we know, we remember that when we were children, we were so happy. the world was magical. you still didnt know whats real from not..
Wissam:
i know what you are talking about
Laila:
and letting go of “being proper” there in the woods with my daughter, i suddnely realised that i am having so much fun.. and
Laila:
that i am seeing the world differently.. simpler.. that is why it is fun
Laila:
we strive to go back to being children
Laila:
but culture.. stops us
Laila:
from having fun
Laila:
ha
Laila:
can i tell you things like, i miss you?
Wissam:
sure
Wissam:
its allowed to say that
Wissam:
yalla say it
Wissam:
eh
Wissam:
wainek
Laila:
I miss you kteer
Laila:
I’m driving now. Half hour
Wissam:
drive safely then
15/04/2012, 16:51 Laila:
Did I ever meet you or come to you high?
15/04/2012, 19:57 Laila:
i miss you
16/04/2012, 06:55 Wissam:
i miss you too and no you never met me high! do u always get high?
16/04/2012, 09:38 Laila:
no not at all..
16/04/2012, 14:09 Laila:
miss you
16/04/2012, 15:03 Wissam:
be5
16/04/2012, 16:08 Laila:
Why do you say be5 when I say I miss you..
Laila:
Boo
16/04/2012, 21:00 Wissam:
be5 3ashan faj2a ajeet, i do miss u too
Laila:
how was your day then
16/04/2012, 22:13 Wissam:
work, hospital coz mom had an operation on her knee, home, lunch, hospital to visit mama, home, sleeping faris, tv, faris woke up, sleeping faris again
17/04/2012, 09:29 Wissam:
wainek!!
Laila:
Here taking Julia to school. I’ll be back soon
Laila:
Morning
Wissam:
laih 7al2ali
Laila:
I’m not at all. I’m here
Wissam:
arrived school?
Laila:
Not yet . My husband is driving
Wissam:
if u wanna contact me contact me through emails i am will be out of the office
17/04/2012, 14:24 Wissam:
be5
17/04/2012, 15:00 Laila:
ya mama
Laila:
is there a particular song that reminds you of me?
17/04/2012, 15:25 Wissam:
faint, linkin park
Wissam:
wish u were here, pink floyd
Laila:
Ok.. My question is: did we hear both these songs when we were together in your room, for instance… Or, these are random songs, for instance, which you built an association with me – after I disappeared? I am trying to understand if our music connection is strong, or disconnected, as in we never listen to music we each really want to, together, and maybe we take turns in listening each other’s music..
Laila:
Or what
Wissam:
we listened together for Faint
Wissam:
for the doors
17/04/2012, 15:56 Laila:
did we listen to the doors a lot?
Laila:
did we talk about them for instance? is that why Laila: me the doors link documentary a few months ago?
Wissam:
yes
Wissam:
i am leaving now, Emails
Laila:
oko
18/04/2012, 12:29 Laila:
hi..
Wissam:
laila
Laila:
Wissam:
Laila:
shu
Laila:
keefak
Wissam:
kamasho
Wissam:
meshta2 le tanteefak
Laila:
tanteefak.. she ya3no sorry
Laila:
ya3ni
Wissam:
you said keefa
Wissam:
keefak
Wissam:
ana radait meshta2 le tanteefak
Laila:
ah a ryhme
Wissam:
efhameeha zay ma bedek tefhameeha
Laila:
ok i never heard this one
Laila:
hie el kilmah la7alha.. ma ba3rafha
Laila:
tanteef el wara2.. sa7?
Laila:
ta2tee3
Wissam:
tanteef
Wissam:
betnattaf
Wissam:
tanteef sha3ar masalan
Wissam:
tanteef el jajeh men el reesh
Laila:
Wissam: : i am going through so much right now, that i am a bit scared.. i’m glad you’re here..it’s just thinking about the past.. and it’s just the year 2002.. so much to deal with.. so much to confess to myself and have closures in..
Laila:
i mean it was only yesterday when i actually found out we are talking really about 2002
Laila:
that only yesterday i read in my journals that on the 30th of july 2002 i was above the clouds.. that i was soooo happy, and i then start talking about you.. and we have already been together for a while..
Laila:
i mean i couldn’t before reading it understand what year what month we’re we together
Laila:
i have a major problem
Laila:
almost like amnesia..
Laila:
so many things so blocked..
Laila:
and i am trying to understand why
Laila:
and why did i meet you, what was i looking for.. why i did it that way, via internet, i mean its not “normal” at least for jordan
Laila:
i am trying for instance to understand why, exactly why, did i leave yu
Laila:
thats why i keep asking you those questions like,
Laila:
what when how where did we meet the very last time..
Laila:
i mean until i saw your email in the morning, i had no idea it was ahlia cafe thing,
Laila:
no recolection
Laila:
its like, where was I??
Laila:
why do you remember..
Laila:
why can’t i
Laila:
why do i need to ask you about every details..
Laila:
wen mukhi ana
Laila:
i mean lsn
Laila:
i have also started thinking ok, Wissam: .. i think there is nelli in the picture.. i have to contact her
Laila:
and so many other people too
Laila:
and i am like asking them the same questions
Laila:
where did we meet.. what did we do, lsn to.. what was the mood.. did i ever talk about a guy called Wissam: .. what do you know about him.. tell me everything
Laila:
ya zalama its scary
Laila:
horrible
Laila:
and then i started thinking about ok, before 2002… nothin.. same blocking
Laila:
after 2003.. same
Laila:
wth
Laila:
wallahi ini scared
Laila:
one of the most things that “shocked” me is when you said that we had The Doors mood.. for a personal reason of mine.. i can’t believe until now..
Laila:
because it is such a special place for me.. to be in the doors mood
Laila:
and no many ppl shared this with me
Laila:
how come i blocked you so unbelievably tottaly
Laila:
you know what..
Laila:
i mean the only thing that makes sense in my head is that
Laila:
i must have really really forever really ever loved you. and something happened, very traumatic.. that made me block it
Laila:
block you
Laila:
are you reading this are you with me
Laila:
or busy
Wissam:
with you
Wissam:
reading
Laila:
ok
Laila:
ma ba3raf keep afhmak…
Laila:
inno its not your fault
Laila:
its me
Laila:
you were perfect
Laila:
thank you
Laila:
but why did it happen though! why did i go away
Laila:
do you know?
Laila:
i mean
Wissam:
no
Laila:
you can help me a lot..
Wissam:
still hasnt finished reading
Laila:
you are the first hand information. it is you that i blocked out.. i can’t survive on what my friends say and remember about you.. to remind me what i have told them in the first place
Laila:
you could help me the most, by giving me your precious time, and tell me everything you remember about me.. from your perspective..
Laila:
like a puzzle, and help me put the pieces together..
Laila:
who did you know in july-spetember 2002 (i think, based on my journals)
Laila:
who was laila
Laila:
it sounds really sick and instance crazy i know…
Laila:
i have no problem with that
Laila:
i need to confront myself
Laila:
and erase all the lies, and fantasies, and blocks
Wissam:
laila
Laila:
do you understand me? can you do that
Laila:
for me?
Wissam:
stop typing for awhile lemme finish reading first plz
Laila:
ok
Laila:
i will come back in a while.. see you
Wissam:
finished
Wissam:
then how do you want me to help you ?
Laila:
i told you
Wissam:
shoofi ya laila
Laila:
if i can borrow your time.. just like now.. these past few days.. and you keep writing me emails about everything you remember
Laila:
about us, and about me, who you thought i was
Laila:
and maybe even compare that knowledge with how you are “getting” to know me again, better
Laila:
i have a feeling that
Laila:
we don’t really know each other well at all
Laila:
because it was such a short time
Laila:
am i right?
Wissam:
i met you through internet, how did that happen?? i dont know maybe coz i am HOT
Wissam:
we clicked from the begining
Laila:
ok
Laila:
wait
Laila:
where
Wissam:
we hanged out manytimes
Laila:
mysapce?
Laila:
icq?
Laila:
man?
Wissam:
no
Wissam:
MSN
Laila:
msn
Laila:
ok
Wissam:
kan fe she esmo MSN directory
Laila:
do you remember my email then?
Laila:
Wissam:
halla2 battal mawjood
Laila:
really
Laila:
noooooo
Laila:
wait
Wissam:
oh
Laila:
then forward me every single email you have between us
Laila:
this is perfect
Wissam:
i guess aphrodite
Wissam:
kaif bas!! i remembered
Laila:
your amazing
Wissam:
you used to use this name … aphrodite
Laila:
i blocked “aphrodite ” out from my head. you reminded me of this for the first time ever
Wissam:
ok
Laila:
see? this is what i mean.. you know stuff. one word. like email name is aphrodite.. or maybe its the nickname, i don’t know yet…
Laila:
it says a lot to me
Wissam:
first time we met
Laila:
because now i know that you and the aphrodite mood are at the same time zone
Wissam:
ok
Laila:
ok talk
Wissam:
we met for the first time in Irish POP in abdoun
Wissam:
ana konet labes yello T-shirt (Brazill football)
Wissam:
wa labes short azra2 i guess
Wissam:
and you were wearing black fe black as usuall
Wissam:
you ordered your VK
Wissam:
and i took the same
Wissam:
we kept talking
Wissam:
i noticed eno fe marks fe 2eedek
Wissam:
joro7 2adeem
Wissam:
suicide marks
Wissam:
got it?
Wissam:
in your wrest
Laila:
yes
Wissam:
ya
Wissam:
i noticed that
Laila:
we were sitting upstairs on at the end yes?
Wissam:
dont remember
Laila:
ok
Wissam:
ba3dain
Wissam:
in the end
Wissam:
we walked to your home
Wissam:
from abdoun to your under construction gouse
Wissam:
house
Wissam:
your sis was inside
Wissam:
hada awal yoam
Laila:
ok
Laila:
question
Wissam:
ask
Laila:
describe the mood.. was is nervous.. sexy… bored.. because i think i remember i was nervous but also “sexy” meaning i wanted to flirt with you, meaning i liked you and i wanna see you more
Laila:
but i was nervous
Laila:
so i was all akward
Laila:
?
Wissam:
sexy…i dont guess so
Wissam:
you were haik dark laila
Laila:
ok then what about you
Laila:
what was your impression of me
Wissam:
mysterious
Laila:
you wanna know more kindda thing yeah
Laila:
?
Wissam:
a sweet girl but haik mysterious, fe she feeha
Wissam:
and i wanted to know you more
Wissam:
yeah
Laila:
so meaning you liked me
Wissam:
sure i liked you
Laila:
fi click on both sides
Laila:
silent agreement, that there will a next ime
Laila:
time
Laila:
ok
Laila:
anyway
Laila:
so far so good
Wissam:
ba3dain i dont remember exctly
Laila:
i had no idea there was an irish pub involved
Wissam:
eno messages
Laila:
i remember walking, 3abdoon, dwar, lel..
Wissam:
wa bashoofek
Laila:
talked to you right there for half an hour,
Wissam:
you came to my lace
Laila:
and then we walked back to my construction sight
Wissam:
place
Laila:
nadia sister
Laila:
that it all i knew all these years
Wissam:
yes thats what happened
Laila:
so there you already helped me a lot
Wissam:
ro7na iresh pop
Wissam:
bas shofna ba3ad awal she fel share3
Wissam:
3ala dowar 3abdoun
Wissam:
2oddam Jerard, nseet sho esmo, hada taba3 el ICE CREAM
Wissam:
we met there
Laila:
aaaaaah
Laila:
ok
Wissam:
and went to the iresh pop
Laila:
it is not the pub
Wissam:
pub
Wissam:
whatever
Laila:
irish pop? ii have no idea what that is
Wissam:
lol
Laila:
okookokok
Wissam:
not good in spelling
Laila:
it is the bar
Laila:
irish
Laila:
vodka
Wissam:
yeah
Laila:
yes ok
Wissam:
VK to be specific
Laila:
aaaha
Laila:
ok
Wissam:
Iresh pub , i knew there is some spelling mistake
Wissam:
anyway
Wissam:
henak ro7na
Laila:
yep that is a typical order of mine. i ts bacardi type of drink’
Wissam:
yes
Laila:
ok
Laila:
cool
Laila:
do you hate doing this? or do you want to help me.. because i am sure it must be hurtful to you on some levels
Laila:
we could also Skype i mean
Laila:
i’ll be nice
Wissam:
we can skyope for sure
Wissam:
bas ana fel office
Laila:
later i mean
Laila:
whenever
Wissam:
ok sure
Laila:
bas keep?
Laila:
aaah
Laila:
bas keef
Laila:
iza either you are at the office or at home..
Laila:
3adi at home?
Wissam:
la2 tab3an
Wissam:
if wife is not around ok
Wissam:
yeeeeeee sho bet3’ar
Laila:
Laila:
of course
Wissam:
ma3 enne baree2
Laila:
she has lots to be protective of
Laila:
ii really like your wife
Laila:
i really wish her to be very happy with you
Laila:
i never was this “open”
Wissam:
dont know what to say
Wissam:
thanks
Wissam:
el mohem
Wissam:
i dont remember everything Laila
Wissam:
bas whatever elle batzakaro ba7keelek yah
Wissam:
after that you came to my place
Wissam:
for once and twice
Laila:
i mean i will keep sending you these “random” detailed questions…
Wissam:
dont know how many times
Laila:
i just don’t want you to start freaking out
Wissam:
i dont freak out easily
Laila:
coolio
Wissam:
ba3dain 3arafteeni 3ala 3areefa
Laila:
Laila:
well for me the arifa link is very important..
Wissam:
i saw her by the way aktar men marra
Laila:
and i know this anyway, that for is a confirmation that i was really after all really serious about you, from one perspective
Laila:
meaning
Wissam:
eno haik bel sodaf
Wissam:
saw her in 2005
Laila:
ma ba33aref 7ada 3ala arifa ella iza el mawdoo3 jaddi, and i want to get this person in touch with my “family life”
Wissam:
maybe in 2009 bardo bel sodfeh bas both of us ignored
Laila:
hahahaha
Laila:
oh dear
Wissam:
brb i have a stupid meeting now
Wissam:
bye for now
Laila:
bye
19/04/2012, 08:38 Wissam:
hey
Laila:
Hi
Wissam:
chaifek ?
Laila:
Good you?
Wissam:
malee7
Laila:
I’m cleaning the house..
Wissam:
ya3teeki el 3afyeh
Laila:
Hahha I mean to say I am not on my computer but my phone is with me. So we can talk but I am moving around
Wissam:
ok
19/04/2012, 09:05 Wissam:
tab labsa haik short wa bra wa rabta 3a sha3rek wa betnadfi?
Laila:
actually, a7kilak keef? topless, sha3ri la fo2 w hhek navezelkharabeesh
Laila:
navel kharabish
Laila:
and black ryada pants
Laila:
i swear
Wissam:
i wish if i can see
Laila:
lsning to sinatra
Laila:
you have unfulfilled sexual desires towards me
Wissam:
yeah
Wissam:
ma talla3et elle 3endi ma3ek
Laila:
me too
Wissam:
thats why i wish to see
Laila:
if you weren’t at the office i would have..
Laila:
Wissam:
i am home
Laila:
hahaha
Laila:
why no work today
Wissam:
weekend
Laila:
ok sa7
Wissam:
lemme lemme lemme
Laila:
shall i send you a pic of just the topless part?
Wissam:
both
Laila:
hahahaha noooo
Wissam:
eh
Wissam:
sho el fare2 bain el topless part wel pic?
Laila:
ha?
Laila:
khalas laze arum ashtaghel ma 3andi wa2et.. but i take cig breaks all the time.. and next time i will show you
Wissam:
eh
Wissam:
ya3ni 7amasteeni wa halla2 te7keeli haik
Laila:
so you stay online ya ahbal
Wissam:
ana halla2 la7ali cant guarantee ba3ed shwai
Wissam:
faris yefee2 or marti tfee2
Wissam:
take a break
Wissam:
eh
Laila:
ok wait
Laila:
done
Wissam:
kabraneen
Wissam:
tab soora wa enti wa2fa to see your figure
Wissam:
you are yummy
Wissam:
u there?
Laila:
No more pics no
Wissam:
fain e5tafaiti
Laila:
are you hot?
Wissam:
i guess you are the one who should answer this question
Wissam:
unless if you meant ” are you hoorny”
Wissam:
horny
Laila:
u seem busy now.. They woke up?
Wissam:
i am here
Wissam:
no they did not
Wissam:
i guess there is a connection problem
Wissam:
lailaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Laila:
well of course they are bigger.. When we met, I was 58 kg probably. Now I am a healthy 69.. Big difference. You should have seen them when I was pregnant. I had to wear D bras..
Wissam:
damn
Wissam:
i like ur figure
Laila:
Whats your length and girth?
Wissam:
what do u mean? girth?
Wissam:
oh
Wissam:
i got it now
Wissam:
u dont remember
Wissam:
you held it once
Wissam:
i am normal
Wissam:
i remember i measured the length when i was young and it was 16 cm i guess
Wissam:
hada elle ba3rafo
Wissam:
bas ba3jebek fel adaa2
Laila:
ok there is a connection problem
Laila:
i was upstairs on the ipad
Laila:
adaa2
Laila:
Laila:
akeed
Wissam:
u know
Wissam:
i liked your vagina kteeeer
Laila:
really??
Wissam:
somehow pinkish
Wissam:
very tight
Laila:
Laila:
lsn you know
Laila:
i remember holding your dick.. but i have no idea what it was like.. and holding it anyway just say anything about how it actually is in action.. because
Laila:
i remember clearly the first time i held rupert’s cock, and i was so disappointed because i thought it was little.. but i mean, in action, he was big.. my biggest..
Laila:
girth means width
Laila:
Wissam:
aah
Wissam:
i am average
Laila:
you know what
Laila:
nothing is average, maybe it would be average for that vagina, but for another one, average would become super massive..
Laila:
it depends on the pot
Laila:
jul tanjara elha ghatta
Wissam:
sure
Wissam:
lol
Laila:
you know what?
Laila:
i really NEVER thought that we could do this.. i mean i sent you a naughty pic.. and we are talking steer 3adi.. i thought you are married 3amo
Wissam:
i am mafrrie
Wissam:
married
Wissam:
and you are married too
Wissam:
but 3adi, its our thing
Laila:
yeah but my marriage is different
Laila:
i can do what i like..
Wissam:
nothing called a different marriage
Wissam:
marriage is marriage
Laila:
lsn really, khalas last cig, and then i have to go clean. we have ppl coming over at 3
Laila:
no no my marriage is different
Wissam:
me too
Laila:
no no no my marriage is different
Wissam:
i can hear faris
Laila:
really
Laila:
ok
Laila:
later then
Wissam:
keef?
Laila:
have a nice day
Laila:
ill tell you laterrrr go now
Wissam:
ok
Wissam:
lsn
Wissam:
i like ur boobs
Wissam:
bedhom da3ek
Wissam:
yalla bye
Laila:
:))
Laila:
bye
19/04/2012, 10:06 Laila:
that doesn’t mean forget about me.. if you have time to send me a msg, do.. its nice to have something to reply to when i take cig breaks
Laila:
cleaning and listening to puddle of mudd
Laila:
haven’t listened to them since 2002
19/04/2012, 11:42 Laila:
my marriage is different than anybody’s else ever. and i am sure of it, and not only that, but also,, i just went and confirmed it with rupert and he says of course, nothing else
Laila:
i mean, i can tell you a lot.. but i will make it short. i’ll just give you an example.. after i sent you the naughty pic, i went to rupert and told him.. and he has been aware of everything i say to you from the start.. because we talk. we talk about everything, and tell each other everything. i have NO secrets or lies from him. he is most probably the only one in the world who knows me. better than my mother. i can’t tell herrrr everything of course. its normal not to tell. but with rupert, it is not normal not to tell..
Laila:
he is my best friend, and we got married. he just said himself that, that the paper of marriage was just a formality so we can live together permanently without upsetting my family
Laila:
we have a girl together.. and we won’t have it any other way. we are family. but we are also individuals. all 3 of us.. he does his thing, which is nothing really.. and i do my thing.. which is for instance talking to you in a very special manner.. talking freely. and i go to him and ask him stuff, and he tells me his opinion, and then i come back here to you and say something new.. just like this conversation for instance
Laila:
and i remember the first time i facebooked you a message, that i am apologising to you, and that i know i was bad to you. and that it was my husband who told me to write you… because i was telling him back then all about you.. and what happened.. and that i feel horrible and sorry and that i wish Wissam: : didn’t hate me.. and he told me to go send you a mail.. this is who we are.. i mean.. Wissam: , we once had a threesome.. we are very free sexually.. we do all sorts of things for each other.. things husbands and wives don’t want to do to each other.. sometimes even things husbands would find a hooker or a dominatrix to do it for him…
Laila:
our husband wife rolls come in like sharing the responsibilities.. the bills, the work, the child care time.. his thing is to cook.. my thing is to clean.. it got all sorted out from the beginning..
Laila:
and in the beginning, we were both in love with each other.. but once the honeymoon period was over, and life started happening and bringing up bills and babies and work… everything else just fell into its place.. i do this, you do that, we’ll do this together.. i am the planner, the leader, and he is the admin.. something like that…
Laila:
we don’t have any friends.. we still haven’t gotten bored with each other’s company, not after 5 years even… but we do take breaks from each other, every winter when i go back home to amman for a few months.. sometimes he comes too, but not for long.. because the whole idea of this thing is to take a holiday for each other.. like renew our relationship
Laila:
i mean 2 days ago we were planning to take our first family holiday.. and just to show you exactly what i mean, i will tell you what we planned
Laila:
end of september, when Buffils Annas closes for the season, we will take a trip to france, see his mother.. england, see his dad, and i am going to take off by myself from there to ireland… go volunteer in a WOOF.. farming thing… and the woman who is leading this was rupert’s girlfriend once upon a time… and she came visited us when julia was born and i met her. i mean who does that? we do.. and rupert was the one who suggested that i go find myself at Annie’s in ireland.. like a journey to find myself and do whatever i want to know the answer.. he is the one who said what about Annie.. because i was telling him that i want to do this, and i will leave you and julia for max a month, to do my own thing and i will come back.. and i said i don’t know where to go though.. but i want the place to be like this and that… free.. free people– so i can think freely about myself and about my life..
Laila:
do you understand what i meant that my marriage is different? i haven’t told you anything yet.. and i am not going to either…
Laila:
i mean her rubs my feet while i am book keeping.. and i pop his pimples on his back while he is talking on the phone.. we are very close… and we hide nothing from each other.. the last year or so, i have been encouraging him to even have a little affair on the side.. where he will lead the sex.. do you know why i said that? or why i want him to have a little affair? its because i love him too much.. and our sex life the past 3 years have been all about, and nothing else but making stupid layla orgasm. its tiring for a guy, i tell ya.. our sex is very very selfish, from my side.. and it is never his turn.. so i want him to have another thing on the side, where is the in command, and it is all about him, and not the girl.. you know what i mean? different marriage?
Laila:
k i have to clean now… and i will probably say to him everything i just said to you, again.. if i feel like it that is.. i am a little high.. bye
19/04/2012, 12:46 Laila:
but i am dying to know what you mean when you said you’re marriage is different too… you won’t win this one.. i won hands down
Laila:
or did you say that your marriage is different? i can’t tell anymore, the messages above are complicated because fairs was waking up, and maybe your reply mine too, was about something else
Laila:
yeah i like talking to myself with you… the problem is that you are not even here.. why don’t you send me long msgs!! ok bye
20/04/2012, 09:17 Wissam:
be5
20/04/2012, 09:50 Laila:
صباح الورد
Wissam:
what u doin mama
20/04/2012, 10:24 Laila:
Wallahi me and rupert and 2 staff members who are Arabs incidentally .. Are in a paint shop buying paint for Buffils
Laila:
Then I’m going to Xbase to terminate my confidence in them. Then home write and tidy a little
Laila:
Rupert is gonna be away tonight until Sunday evening working in Buffils
Laila:
So me and Julia are all alone for a while
Laila:
Yep how are you today
Wissam:
aha
Wissam:
i am fine
Wissam:
busy with faris
Laila:
Whatcha two doing
Wissam:
anyway my laptop ran off battery
Wissam:
playing
Wissam:
will catch ya later ya mama
Laila:
I would really love to see that side of you
Wissam:
i changed his dipper, fed him
ana good daddy
Wissam:
he woke up early and woke me up with him
Wissam:
my wife kept sleeping so we spent the morning baba wa daris
Wissam:
faris
Laila:
You are so sweet
Wissam:
thokran
Wissam:
yalla time for me to go now
Laila:
:)) ok
Laila:
See ya
Wissam:
bye
21/04/2012, 15:37 Wissam:
be5
Laila:
Wissam:
fainek me5tefyeh
Laila:
waiting for you to say be5
Wissam:
bas ma konti online
Laila:
i was out but my phone is on me at all time
Wissam:
sho 3melti el yoam
Laila:
saturday.. home..but it snowed a lot so i went up to buffils to get rupert home… a girlfriend stayed over..
Wissam:
i c
Laila:
wen ekhtafet mbare7
Wissam:
home
Wissam:
wa ba3dain tolda ya use the emails, last time i sent you an email said kol shway batalla3 fe soortek wa ma radaiti 3alai
Laila:
what???
Laila:
i missed that email
Wissam:
konet kol shwai battala3 3ala soortek with boobies
Laila:
ok i will not fb you when your away. only mail
Laila:
yes i goes fhemet which pic
Laila:
why would you look at it though
Wissam:
3ajbanio
Wissam:
3ajbani
Laila:
Laila:
what are you expecting me to say
Wissam:
ma ba3raf
Laila:
well.. like what
Laila:
i mean i could say something like i still didn’t get your pic.. so i have zero, and you have 2 already. should i say it is only fair for you also to send a naughty pic?
Laila:
mathalan?
Laila:
a nice pics and a naughty one
Wissam:
ya salam
Wissam:
naughty ones like what?
Laila:
3ashan nit3adal
Laila:
well it can’t be very naughty, but it has to match up with my boobies..
Wissam:
lol
Wissam:
tab esma3i i have to close up now
Wissam:
will continue through emails
Wissam:
ya naughty
Laila:
ok
Wissam:
yalla bye for now
22/04/2012, 07:02 Wissam:
be5
22/04/2012, 09:18 Wissam:
be5555
22/04/2012, 11:34 Laila:
bekh bekh
Laila:
sunday today
Laila:
my plan is to sit here in my office room until it is clean and sorted
Laila:
so that means i am online starting now..
Laila:
kefak
Laila:
you still smoke sa7?
22/04/2012, 13:14 Wissam:
back
Wissam:
ba2ollek ana back
Laila:
hahaha
Laila:
me and ru are looking for houses in another town.. ok i will go to my office now.. brb
Laila:
ok back
Laila:
something you wanna say?
Wissam:
no 3adi chatting
Laila:
ok
Laila:
bas ma 2ulteli what do you think about elli 2ultilak eyah 3anni and rupert
Wissam:
oh yeah
Wissam:
it is strage
Wissam:
and i dont see why yo uguys got married
Wissam:
Laila:
because we love eachother.. what do you mean.. we make the perfect team in everything..almost
Wissam:
mmmmm ok, its logical
Laila:
i mean hi rupert, i know you are reading this now, cuz you are on my macbook, hopfeully looking for more houses..
Laila:
shall i ask him to turn my laoptop off?
Laila:
shu wenak
Laila:
na2azit?
Laila:
Wissam:
i am here
Wissam:
listen
Wissam:
hehe
Laila:
shu
Wissam:
does it matter if i am ok with it or not?
Wissam:
i mean
Laila:
of course it does!!!!!!!!!!
Wissam:
you are not in a position to convince me
Wissam:
my opinion wont affect on you nor on you relationship with your husband
Wissam:
for me this is odd
Laila:
of course your opinion matters because i am personally interested.. but i dont think it could change anything between me and ru.. i dontthink so..
Laila:
bas tell me honestly
Wissam:
tell you what?
Wissam:
i find it odd
Wissam:
strange
Laila:
well you said, it is odd, and asked why we married.. what else
Wissam:
unaccepted for me
Wissam:
i know it sounds tempting and fun
Wissam:
but marriage has rules and we have to be up to these rules
Laila:
Laila:
ok
Laila:
what are these rules you want to keep
Wissam:
the basic rules for sure
Wissam:
these rules which made by religion, by socity
Laila:
ok like what
Wissam:
eno i understand cheating
Wissam:
but i dont understand what you said
Laila:
are they only for women? or both men and women equally
Wissam:
tab3an both
Laila:
cheating?
Laila:
what do you mean
Wissam:
i mean
Wissam:
i accept the idea of cheating (did not say that you or me are cheating)
Wissam:
but i dont accept the idea of your situation
Wissam:
you live with your husband an open relationship
Laila:
well listen
Wissam:
again this is my personal opinion
Laila:
with the potentional of being an open relationship.. we havent gone having sex with seperate people, and all that. we tried a threesome with a girl once. we were together.. and we talk about “the open relationship” idea a lot.. and we decided 4 days ago, that we have the potentional of experimenting with others, later.. when we feel we are 100% safe about each other
Laila:
so i mean…
Laila:
i want to ask you a question
Laila:
when you said you accept cheating.. did you mean you accept that it is sometimes ok to do it, because of the circumstances…
Laila:
or
Laila:
do you mean that you understand cheating and why people do it.. but you are not one of them
Laila:
or, is it religion based
Laila:
culture too
Wissam:
i meant i understand cheating
Wissam:
it is wrong but i understand why people do it
Wissam:
its like smoking knowing that it kills you
Laila:
did you cheat on your girlfriends.. or with your wife or think that maybe one day you would cheat on her
Wissam:
i never did
Laila:
do you think you are capable of?
Wissam:
dont know
Laila:
if the situation was perfect?
Laila:
ok
Laila:
i understand you now
Laila:
so
Laila:
then lets go back to the rules of marriage
Laila:
Laila:
you understand cheating, and you might do it one day.. maybe not.. who knows..
Laila:
so the religious/cultural aspect of this, is not important to you when you think about marriage and rules
Laila:
to some degree
Wissam:
it is important for sure
Wissam:
i said i never did it
Wissam:
and in my mind i wont do it
Wissam:
but i cant guarantee my self 100%
Wissam:
so thats why i said i dont know
Wissam:
and yes
Wissam:
i got temptations before
Wissam:
and i resisted them all
Wissam:
am i will be strong for ever dont know!
Wissam:
i wish if i can
Laila:
ok fhemet 3alek
Laila:
tell me,
Laila:
now
Laila:
what is it exactly that you dont accept about my marriage/relationship to my husband/partner in life?
Wissam:
honey
Wissam:
i will tell you something
Wissam:
we are adults
Wissam:
and we know what is right and what is wrong
Wissam:
and it is up to us to do the right or to do the wrong
Wissam:
got it till now?
Wissam:
do you agree?
Laila:
yes
Laila:
yes
Wissam:
ok
Wissam:
now
Wissam:
if you wanna do crack for example
Wissam:
do you do it in public? or privetly?
Wissam:
you will do it in private, you dont wanna people to see you
Wissam:
you gona do it by your self or with people like you
Wissam:
why?
Wissam:
because you know its wrong
Wissam:
and its something big
Laila:
ok
Wissam:
so you dont want to walk around people and do it like you dont care!
Wissam:
you gonna hide somewhere and do it
Laila:
yes
Laila:
and?
Wissam:
lets talk about marriage
Laila:
ok
Wissam:
cheating
Wissam:
most people do it in secret
Wissam:
i mean
Laila:
yes i know what you mean
Wissam:
they do it bas ma7adesh be3raf 3anhom
Laila:
kammil
Laila:
!!! dont be busy yella
Wissam:
lol how did you know i was busy
Wissam:
el mohem
Wissam:
in your case
Wissam:
the open relationship
Wissam:
you are not doing the wrong only
Wissam:
you reached the point that you and your husband are ok with the wrong
Wissam:
and you dont care to share it with people
Wissam:
maybe you did not do it that much
Wissam:
but this is the case
Wissam:
its like
Wissam:
for muslim
Wissam:
muslims
Wissam:
i am not praying
Wissam:
people will say allah yehdeek
Wissam:
but saying i am not praying and i dont want to pray ! this is me!! and i am ok with it! and praying is bull shit
Wissam:
now this is something huge
Wissam:
got it?
Wissam:
you are not doing the wrong with your self
Laila:
yes
Wissam:
you are doin it and proud of it
Wissam:
you are doin it and feel no guilt
Wissam:
you are doin it and you believe this is perfect life
Wissam:
and you call this love
Wissam:
yes it is love
Wissam:
but sorry it is some other love
Laila:
it is
Laila:
that is what i have been saying from the beginning!
Laila:
eft
Wissam:
if you are ok that your lovely husband can sleep with someone else
Wissam:
then this is for me not love
Laila:
not
Wissam:
not the regular love
Laila:
you have forgotten something here
Wissam:
even if you love him
Laila:
love is massive..
Wissam:
as i said
Laila:
we can talk only about love and being in love now
Wissam:
you are do ing the wrong and you are proud of it!
Laila:
wait
Laila:
ya mama
Laila:
wait
Laila:
i never said i am in love with my husband.
Laila:
and he knows that
Wissam:
you said you love eachother
Laila:
yes
Laila:
and i love you
Laila:
and i love my dad
Laila:
and i love julia’s teachers
Laila:
there are soooo many different loves
Wissam:
sure
Laila:
degrees of loe
Laila:
love
Wissam:
tab3an
Laila:
the maximum one is being IN LOVE
Laila:
when you are there.. of course you won’t think for a second about any body else than the one you are in love with
Laila:
BUT
Laila:
being in love, as perfect and divine as it is… if it happens,,, which is rare… it will also always fade with time… its like a honeymoon.. and then life hits you, and you have to take on new roles, with this person you are in love with and married
Laila:
so
Laila:
this is important
Laila:
for me…
Laila:
why i know for sure that my marriage with rupert will be a lifetime onw
Laila:
is
Wissam:
sure you areright
Wissam:
no no no
Wissam:
i am not with you
Laila:
because i am aware of the in love period has gone now.. we have almost 2 years together of being in love.. the last half year we are married..
Laila:
then life happened
Laila:
waitttt
Laila:
and the reason why i am still with rupert today.. and why we will always be together
Laila:
is that we are each others best friends.. partners
Laila:
we do everything together
Laila:
we fulfill everything together
Laila:
and our sex life is awsome
Laila:
but i missing something.. the in love part.. and we both know that it is always tempreary
Laila:
so we talk about possibilities together
Laila:
and we want to be in an open relationship
Laila:
but
Laila:
we are not there yet
Laila:
because there is still slithers of guilt here and there..
Laila:
when we are sure of ourselves and each other 100% then it will happen.
Laila:
and the other one will know that it is only a thing.. and nothing to worry about.. beacuse there are no lies
Laila:
nothing to hide
Laila:
everything is in the open and we will talk about it
Laila:
so we are not cheating
Wissam:
why its only a thing??
Wissam:
define it is only a thing
Laila:
a thing to fulfill for instance my self.. a dream i want to fulfill
Laila:
something that i really want to do… and i will be happy doing it
Laila:
like for example
Laila:
talking to you
Laila:
like this
Laila:
everyday
Laila:
and it is 3adi
Laila:
yet
Laila:
we
Laila:
are
Laila:
flirtinh
Laila:
flirting
Laila:
all the time
Laila:
it is a thing
Laila:
i want to do it.
Laila:
because i have no closure with you
Laila:
i have unfulfilled sexual desires twards you
Laila:
and i dream of somethig between us sometimes
Wissam:
what if it happened
Laila:
and i tell rupert all about it.. and i leave the chat open while he is on the laptop
Laila:
well
Laila:
erm
Laila:
it depends on you really
Wissam:
no no forget about me
Wissam:
i am talking about you
Laila:
ok
Laila:
for instnace
Wissam:
what if one day i went to sweden
Wissam:
met you
Laila:
ok
Laila:
i was gonna say amman
Wissam:
and we had the best time ever together
Laila:
more believable
Laila:
but ok
Laila:
doing what?
Laila:
actually fulfilling desires
Laila:
or having fun and talking and hanging
Wissam:
both
Laila:
ok
Laila:
ok
Laila:
well..
Laila:
if it happened
Laila:
and i thought it was the best thing that happnened.. i would move on i think… and we will stay close forever.. but we both have families to take care of and cherish..
Laila:
so if we say we want to do it again..
Laila:
like once a year or 2 years
Laila:
or sth
Laila:
i would be very happy
Laila:
because
Laila:
that is the most that can happen
Laila:
you dig?
Laila:
do u understand?
Wissam:
what if
Laila:
…
Wissam:
i mean
Wissam:
what u said is applicable if i am someone u like
Wissam:
someone u trust and attracted to
Laila:
yes of course
Wissam:
but what if i am someone you love
Wissam:
what if what you had with me is not comparable with ur husband
Laila:
ok
Laila:
i know what i will reply.. but first it is killing me i want to know why you are asking these questions.
Laila:
!!!!!!!! yella
Wissam:
because…….
Wissam:
you made us talk about something i dont agree with
Wissam:
told you from the beigning i dont have to convince you
Wissam:
but now i found my self i am doin that
Wissam:
Wissam:
i am just telling you why its wrong
Wissam:
we can talk about it till morning
Laila:
ok let me answer the earlier question then
Laila:
so what would happen, if by doing this with you, i find that i dont want to be with rupert anymore.. yes? well.. i dont think that will happen. because i would be more or less content with life. shall i tell you something?
Laila:
i dont think we could ever have gotten married and stayed happy. because you are not like me.
Laila:
rupert is
Laila:
that is why i will never leave our marriage. he is my rock. my support. my partner. from bed to bills to my daughter’s father, to my best friend.. even work at Buffils.
Wissam:
ya setty allah yewafe2kom
Laila:
you would be fulfilling the in love part. which for me is the most important aspect of being happy in life.. but it would never work with you all the way. you would divorce quickly
Wissam:
lol
Laila:
7asseh
Laila:
ino
Laila:
inta mish fahem sa7
Wissam:
ana fahem
Wissam:
bas enti elle mo fahmeh ( at least this is what i believe)
Laila:
hahaha ok:)
Wissam:
all what i wanna say , it is up to you
Wissam:
you are ok with it, then do it, i dont have to agree with you
Laila:
of course
Laila:
but
Laila:
i mean for me, it would be nicer if you understood me, and agreed with me.. in my situation.. you know very well that i am not “normal”. i ran off from you didnt i? why? maybe it is because i was aware, that i like you too much to stay with you. because if we do get married, i will run off again. not physically maybe, but emtionally i will be closed to you until we divorce or die…
Laila:
because mainly now you dont agree that this is the perfect sultion to my situtation
Laila:
hahaha started getting complicated towards the end
Laila:
i dont know what to tell you Wissam: .. but i wish i could make you understand Me.
Laila:
i’d hate it if i knew you thought i was stupid, crazy or ignorant..
Wissam:
listen
Wissam:
i understand
Wissam:
but i dont agree
Laila:
ok.. so you agree that i am doing the right thing in my situation. but that is not the rule. and no one should do it, unless they have problems like me. yes or no?
Wissam:
no
Laila:
ah
Wissam:
i understand why you are doin it
Wissam:
but i dont agree with you
Wissam:
its simple
Laila:
ok
Wissam:
there is not excuse to do it
Laila:
ok tell me why i am doing it then
Wissam:
no excuse*
Wissam:
its you
Laila:
what is my “excuse”
Wissam:
you dont!
Laila:
aaah
Laila:
ok
Laila:
fhemet
Wissam:
listen
Laila:
why do you think i am doing this
Wissam:
its your personal beliefs
Wissam:
your personal beliefs 3adi momken tkoon kolha 3’alat
Wissam:
bas fel nehaya , this is what you believe
Laila:
do you support me or do you recoil?
Wissam:
i dont support you
Laila:
then why are you talking to me
Laila:
what do you want from me
Laila:
why do you want to talk sex
Wissam:
ya benti
Wissam:
i am not an angel
Wissam:
i do mistakes too
Wissam:
but i dont say what i am doing is right
Wissam:
got it?
Wissam:
brb (going to smoke, 7aragteeli rassi)
Laila:
w 7aragtelak rassak kaman.. w bidak edakhen kaman.. i am really hitting a nerve, arent i? and you will keep on chatting with me, because you know that you want to.
Laila:
if you say yes.. then, you will see that, with time, you wil start sharing my belief system.
Laila:
if you say no, then we should just part
Laila:
i dont want to
Laila:
part that is
Wissam:
walek bat5awatr
Wissam:
ma benmaza7 ma3ek enti?
Laila:
no one said i am upset
Laila:
i am not
Wissam:
tayeb
Laila:
i am just trying to understand who you are
Laila:
and you never answered my question
Wissam:
ana witho
Wissam:
sho bedek te3rafi 3anni
Laila:
walak
Laila:
answer my question. 3 questions above before you left to smoke
Wissam:
ask again
Laila:
why are you talking to me what do you want from me why ar you talking sex with me
Laila:
i can make it simple for you
Laila:
asnwer this
Laila:
are you having the same conversations with other girls? or xs?
Laila:
is it 3adi for you?
Laila:
or am i a special case
Laila:
honest yella
Wissam:
u r special case
Wissam:
listen
Wissam:
i dont agree with you in the concept, why you cant deal with it!
Wissam:
there?
Wissam:
wain 5rafaiti?
Laila:
here
Laila:
Laila:
hahahaa
Laila:
inta mish ma32ool
Laila:
bas 3anjad ba7ibak..
Laila:
kteer nifsi ashoofak
Laila:
and your wife and son
Laila:
kteer
Laila:
like a family visit
Laila:
my family visitn yours
Laila:
and vica versa
Laila:
would be really nice
Wissam:
laih ana mosh ma32ool
Laila:
lainak 3hazai
Laila:
Laila:
ghazawi
Wissam:
ok!
Laila:
kul bi wa2to 7ilu
Laila:
3ala fikra
Laila:
i was went to the bathroom and had a little selfish shower, and i thought of you. for real.
Laila:
i was went
Laila:
i like
Wissam:
howeh fe selfish shower wa shower mosh selfish?
Laila:
ahaaaa
Laila:
bas balash ma bte3raf 3an hada el ishi!!
Laila:
you’re joking.. cuz you want me to explain it myself
Wissam:
eno la7alek ya3ni?
Laila:
hhhaaha ok..
Laila:
selfish shower is something most probably even your wife has discovered, or read about.. it is when you go to the shower, and masturbate, using the jet of water from the shower hose, and mainly the object or selfishness, the clit..
Laila:
so not you
Laila:
but girls
Wissam:
u always do that?
Laila:
yeå
Laila:
me, ever since i discovered when i was maybe 15
Laila:
it becomes an addiction
Laila:
there’s like a whole lot about women that men have no idea about
Laila:
we’re deep man
Laila:
hahaha
Wissam:
hada ana ahbal
Laila:
it becomes like.. at least for me.. the most selfish thing i could do ever
Laila:
like in the middle of dinner or a meeting, if it happens that i get horny, i will automatically start thinking of any possible way to just leave and go to the shower. it doesnt happen all the time.. i stay there in the meeting in agony.. but the 20% of the times when i do get to go to my shower, its like, the most selfish thing i did.. like fuck you all and life, now i want to satisfy me..
Laila:
hahahaa
Wissam:
started to imagin your farfoura
Laila:
omg sometime it happened when i was in an internet cafe 3and el urdunieh.. probably when we knew each other..
Laila:
and i just like fuck it.. where is the bathroom here
Laila:
and i masterbated.. hahaha..
Laila:
no shower of course
Wissam:
never knew that you are sexual that much
Laila:
i think women dont even realize that they NEED to be sexually fulfilled..
Laila:
omg i am so sexual
Laila:
been in denial about it most of my life
Laila:
but now i am letting go of all my fears and inhabotions
Laila:
facing it
Laila:
facing everything about me
Laila:
yes i am sexually addicted
Wissam:
adaish sexual ya3ni?
Laila:
probably because i have never managed to succesfully 100% orgasm ever
Laila:
well you know
Laila:
i was thinking about this very same thing just now when i was drying myself with the towel
Laila:
i thought.. how sexually active me i? and i realize that it changes all the time
Wissam:
ya3ni ma 3endek ashya2 sexual weird bet7ebeeha?
Laila:
when i am manic.. meaning feeling beautiful, confident.. intelligent and just like god damn hypontizing.. then me and ru we have sex like.. all the time for a few days.. when i finally realize it is fruitless.. i will not orgasm.. give it up.. i sink into a depression cycle.. can take months.. i dont want to be touched at all. no sex talk at all
Laila:
so rupert here like suffers a lot
Laila:
either too much sex he cant take it anymore
Laila:
or no sex at all he has to start masterbaating
Laila:
ok weird sexual stuff
Laila:
well
Laila:
i love being dominated
Laila:
we havent done this perfectly yet, becuase i am too self cousious still
Laila:
but i want to be dominated.
Laila:
like
Laila:
whats it called
Laila:
mmmm
Laila:
tough love
Laila:
you know?
Wissam:
brb , 5 min, keep talking
Laila:
give me pain but just because you love me
Laila:
ok
Laila:
i want to be tied up.. and like beautifully humilated.. bascially, humilate me because i am so self consious of my body and my personality.. that i cant let what my “soul” wants happen.. which is just give in, and be free, and be comfortable, and enjoy the moment like a child would.. no rules.. no concept of right or wrong.. no cultural, social, parental or religious conceptions.. just being innocent of all knowledge, and be in the moment. taking life in full force. being alive. having fun. being happy. being love….
Laila:
and for me in this particular situation, domination in sex… i mean
Laila:
i want to
Laila:
reach the highest ever to the peak.. i want to feel like mountain of pleasure growing slowly.. being stuck in the moment.. in time.. feeling the journey.. understanding it… knowing that bliss is ahead..
Laila:
i just want to know that i will orgasm. that is all i want. i dont want to spend the forplay, the fantisizing.. the climax, fearing all the time that i will not cum.. i cannot relax. no matter what..
Laila:
its the biggest thing i have for me
Laila:
and not being able to orgasm is blocking me in so many way
Laila:
ways
Laila:
affecting my reality and my life and my relations
Laila:
my work
Laila:
my studies
Laila:
my family
Laila:
it has always been about this hasnt it
Laila:
i did all that i have done in my life, because i cant orgasm.
Laila:
and i am still looking for it.
Laila:
that is why i am talking to you.
Laila:
because no matter how impossible it is for me and you to make love – finally- it is still a solid possibility for me. and that is why you are in my life now. not only inside the mac sceen
Laila:
i think about you most of the day
Laila:
i talk about you
Laila:
to rupert
Laila:
to kristen, the gf who spent the night, who incidentally was out 3some partner.. but the sex is over between us.
Laila:
i talk to you to lina
Laila:
i write about you
Laila:
i mean come on
Laila:
i am that desperate to find love and orgasm it is blinding me
Laila:
controlling me
Laila:
it is burried so deep within my blood and subconsious that i dont even notice it
Laila:
or realize that why i did this or that …
Laila:
blah
Laila:
i give up
Laila:
i mean i have just started thinking about it in a crazy way now.. i decided to send a msg all of a sudden that is, to Heba, you know all about her, but maybe dont remember.. and i will ask her this question, do you have problems orgasming? if she says yes, i will ask her have you ever orgasmed with A.? if she says yes.. then i have to try find a link between that, and cutting my risk wanting to die the day A. told me, i was his gf after Heba, that he wants to break up for good, and that the only reason he was ever with me was because i am the closest to Heba he can have. and that he always imagines her instead of me.
Laila:
all that happened when i looked at my wrist, covered with a new and my first tattoo.. which says Julia and the a picture of a rose exactly where my numbness and scar begins
Wissam:
finshed reading
Wissam:
fazee3a enti 2ad ma btoktobi
Wissam:
did you like the threesome?
Laila:
no
Laila:
brb in 1 min
Wissam:
ok
Laila:
what do you think of what i wrote
Wissam:
later i tell u what i think
Laila:
ok
Laila:
home time?
Wissam:
why u did not like the threesojme?
erm..
Laila:
well
Laila:
i dont think i was ready for it.. i was too self consious
Wissam:
are u attracted to girls?
Laila:
sometimes yes
Laila:
listen
Laila:
i am not into girls… sometimes stuff happens, but i always feel eeki later.. not worth it feeling you know? however!!!
Laila:
when i surf the porn, i want to look at girls bits.. not dicks..
Laila:
sometimes sex.. but mostly things done to a girl
Laila:
like dominating vids
Wissam:
aha
Laila:
well heba is not on fb anymore.. since last month.. ya3ni shu hal galag hada.. lazem adawer 3aleh 3ala twitter
Laila:
seems more needy! eft
Laila:
do you tweet?
Laila:
shaklak majhool
Laila:
mashghool
Laila:
hahaha
Wissam:
meeen hiba!?
Laila:
she was the only girl – best friend that counted. and it was a horrible story. and after she broke up with her bf A. i went out with him.. so our story is very cimplicated..
Laila:
Wissam:
Laila:
am i interesting?
Wissam:
very
Laila:
why
Laila:
or
Laila:
what makes me interesting to you?
Wissam:
full of weird stories and complicated personality
Laila:
those weird stories.. are they interesting? or stupid?
Wissam:
interesting
Laila:
are you very busy
Wissam:
somehow
Laila:
how do you mange to get any work done? when do you go home?
Wissam:
i go homw at 5 pm
Wissam:
now its 4:50 pm
Laila:
ok then.. see ya tomorrow then?
Wissam:
inshallah
Laila:
ok
Laila:
bye
Wissam:
bas eza shofti 7alek kteer zah2aneh
Wissam:
wa mosh 3arfeh sho bedek te3mali wa bedek ta5di selfish shower
Wissam:
etzakareeni
Laila:
hahaha
Laila:
taieb
Wissam:
etzakareeni ah
Wissam:
etzakareeni
Laila:
ya3ni ana 7atan ma 2utilak what i was dreaming about you
Wissam:
bte7keeli yaha bokra
Laila:
iza batzakar
Wissam:
wa salmeeli 3al farfoura
Laila:
7mar m2rif
Laila:
inta
Laila:
bye
Wissam:
7mar!
Wissam:
m2rif!
Wissam:
okay
Wissam:
bye
Laila:
byen
26/04/2012, 22:37 Laila:
:S malak Wissam: ? got bored? or i said something?
Laila:
omg is this seriously our last conversation?? the 7mar mu2rif? aw hahaha.. i had no idea.. is this why you are not talking anymore? i hope not!
26/04/2012, 23:28 Wissam:
yes this is out last conversation. why? dont know, you could send me thugh but you did not, and yes, i did not like at all what you said, but i did not act upon it
27/04/2012, 00:23 Laila:
oh i had no idea you felt that way.. i thought it was a joke our last words.. really no idea. sorry! i said that because i don’t like the word farfoora. for me a kid could say it, it would be cute.. but if you say it, it feels wrong and a little “off”, ok? that’s all.. so i was just kidding when i finally said 7mar bladi blah.. i was batkhawat, but acting upon i want you to know that i don’t like what you said.. that is all..
Laila:
nd by the way i didn’t send you because i thought that the first day you were soo busy.. and then maybe you just lost interest.. and we were kind of in a pattern where you always sent the first msg of the day…
Maybe it was to have a good & evil cut. One soul mate would strive and achieve a life of love and goodness, while the other part is doing the same but in the opposite direction. When both reach the ultimate achievement of the Self, they meet, again, reunite and get a step closer to eternal reunion.…
I was very inspired by Dracula. Have to read the book first. The film was crap, but the main ideas really clicked with what I am trying to do. One of Lucifer’s tries should be this story. Should I use more epic stories and fix them up? The point of this is to make my story (which is also an epic story which does not belong to me) more relatable because it will link to the most famous histories, myths and fiction works. I think this is a good idea. And this definitely turn the novel into books. Book 1, Book 2.. I like this idea. An anthology.…
What if God is not the creator? What if there are infinite universes.
“Through the Wormhole”: while our world revolves around the sun, just near by, in the milky way, there is a black hole where other stars revolve around it.
That is the source? No. God and heaven and hell and everything else? Maybe.…
It was a long dream. Fast-forwarded, paused and very vague.
But I saw someone looking at me silently, from afar.
He appeared when I would forget about him,
And around me was a mess of dramas trying to distract me.
I was distractable,
And all of a sudden he would appear,
and hold my gaze
I needed to keep moving towards him
ignore the world happening around me
I had to reach him,
But I kept forgetting and immersed in other things.
He was beautiful and white. #Presence…
Start Time: 12 AM; End Time: 3 AM Sept. 2011Benjamin says:
hi.
im sure your very busy
are those pictures on there really you?
Juliana says:
yes it is me, really and truly
Benjamin says:
its just your beautiful! wat the hell are you doing on that site!! :P
Juliana says:
couldn't find anything better
or better to do
Benjamin says:
aww. so you are single then ? :P
its just the only people ive spoke to on their turned out to be fake :(
your pictures look great dont u think?
Juliana says:
they always are :D
Benjamin says:
:P full of urself are u!
Juliana says:
yes i am. of course i am
i can send you some later..
don't you believe it is me?
and why don't You send some more of yourself?
Benjamin says:
erm im not sure, but id love to see more of u aNYWAY.
i will send u some if you ask :P
Juliana says:
i ask you, kindly, to send me some
Benjamin says:
awww how cud i refuse
Juliana says:
waiting then
Benjamin would like to send you a file. Transfer of file has been accepted.Juliana says:
bad connection tonight..
feels like i am back in 2000
Benjamin says:
lol
maybe il send sum more wen this is finished
Juliana says:
yes please
Benjamin says:
tell me about u ,wat ur looking for wat u like etc
Juliana says:
i can tell you all you want to know, and more, if you ask me one question
at a time. and be specific. i love interrogations
You have successfully received Benjamin 02072011.JPGBenjamin says:
wat kinda guys do you go for?Benjamin would like to send you a file.Juliana says:i am very strong, and i tend to overpower anyone in my way,
people do what i tell them to. but at the end of the day, i feel alone.
and i want a challenge. so i would want a guy who will tell me to shut it
and do as he says, for once. Transfer of file has been accepted. You have successfully received file.Benjamin says:
you make it sound so sexy!
Juliana says:
maybe that is what i want
Benjamin says:
i really hope so
i know how i'd like to question you properly thats for sure!
Benjamin would like to send you the file “fluffy_and_me_chillin.jpg”Juliana says:
mm aha.. so what else would u want me to confess? Starting transfer… Benjamin would like to send you the file "shower.jpg"Benjamin says:
your every desire?
Juliana says:
that is a question with too many answers. be more specific
Benjamin says:
haha
Juliana says:
loving the shower pic
Benjamin says:
i got a more recent shower one from last friday. but im not sure ur ready
for that :P
wat do u want right now!
Juliana says:
do you know what i want?
i will tell you
i want a guy. and i need him to be my muse. i want to live a dangerous, insane, passionate love affair, to unblock me so i can write my book
i love to be teased
Benjamin says:
you just sound so incredible
everything ur saying is teasing me.. but i think u know that
Juliana says:
yes i do know.. i am fully aware of what i do. and i am allowing it.
if there is one thing i hate, is going straight down to business. life is
not about fucking. it is the mountain you need to conquer before you reach
the ultimate bliss. i love the tease. the wait. the tension. the nerves..
the more the better
tell me.. you play.. what do you play? and what music are you into
Benjamin says:
i play guitar bass and piano
i like everything thats good , soul funk reggae, punk rock and alot of
blues
Juliana says:
piano! that is so sexy
i do too
You are receiving from Benjamin.
You may want to scan Benjamin with a virus-scanning program.
Benjamin says:
i knew you'd play it. cos your one sexy mo fo :P
Juliana says:
how old are you
Benjamin says:
27
and you?
Juliana says:
just turned 30 a few days ago.
Benjamin says:
you dont look thirty in those pics thats for sure!
thats why i need to see a tonne more
Juliana says:
if i tell you when i go to the liquor store, that they still ask me for
my ID, would that be believable?
Benjamin says:
it definitly would yes!
Juliana says:
would’ve piss me off when i was 22, but now it kind of makes my day.
and i am loving the 30s
ask me something else
Benjamin says
i can only think of the dirtiest things right now. im trying to clean out
my mind for you
Juliana says:
i’d find it a major turn off if you start talking dirty right away.
is that the point of this exercise? i think not
Benjamin says:
where are u living now?
Juliana says:
in a house
:P
You have successfully received “shower (3).jpg”Benjamin says: in which country?
Juliana says:
in Scandinavia
Benjamin says:
ahh ok
not london then! :P
Juliana says:
sorry if i mislead you. there’s nothing here for me. the men are women,
and the women are men.
Benjamin says:
how many pictures is that now.. enough?
no you have lead or mislead me anywhere just yet
Juliana says:
:) enough for now.
thanks
i like you
Benjamin says:
does liking me mean i deserve a picture back now ?
Juliana says:
yes you do, plenty. but it is not easy to do that.. not just now anyway.
my pics are a mess. in 3 different computers, in so many files.. and it
would take me days to find a pic of me amongst everything else
it was just easier to take new pics
Benjamin says:
and a great session it was
just loved to have seen more of you
Juliana says:
was a bit tipsy must say
Benjamin says:
you have such a beautiful name too by the way
aww well i wish i was there to help you take them if u were drunk
Juliana says:
not that drunk.. drunk enough to take pics
Benjamin says:
so you have a beautiful name you live in a beautiful country and you look
stunningly beautiful.. what about you isnt beautiful?? whats your worst
feature?
Juliana says:
ok nice
hmmmm
hahaha
yeah.. conceited.
well
lets specify this.. physically or personality wise
Benjamin says:
one for both :P
Juliana says:
well, i wouldn't say it isn't beautiful. i don’t have a problem with this,
but people do.
I can be mean, and lie. sometimes i lie so hard that i believe it, and the
truth formats from my head
Juliana says:
physical..
I should see me.
looking at myself in the mirror..
i don't think there are any ‘faults’.
but there is one thing
and i don't know in which category to put it
and it is The thing which is blocking me.
Benjamin says:
just try n explain
Juliana says:
nah it is very easy to explain.
Benjamin says:
tell me then :P
Juliana says:
but this is a breaker.
i have never, ever orgasmed.
Benjamin says:
never ever? wow. ever close?
for some reason i find it so sexy you think u have no faults physically,
i dunno why tho
Juliana says:
close all the time.
frustrating as hell
most of the time i cry it out
Benjamin says:
awwwwwwwwwwwwwww hugs
we need to do some serious work on you then!!
what features to you hate most in others then? one physical one
personality
Juliana says:
hmmm
only one?
Benjamin says:
as many as u care to mention then!
Juliana says:
well. i don't like fat guys. hate ugly. yes i am superficial. in that way
at lease. hate blonds. hate gay-personalities.
Benjamin says:
i dont think im any of those so far!
phewwwwww!
well im dark blonde?
Juliana says:
better than gay blond. dark is good
i gtg
Benjamin says:
hurry hurry
end of cyber interaction
I was riding a high tide of inspiration and creativity. I couldn’t stop writing and creating. The minute I stopped to research the characters and the stories behind them, the high died down. Now it feels tedious and hard work to concentrate. I started writing again, I had one idea, and I only wrote a couple of lines and gave up. I am forcing it out. And this is not healthy or right or fair for the characters.…
Now that I know more about you from elsewhere, I cannot put it out of my head. I know that it was you who left Adam in the first place. I know that you are his equal. That you do not want to compromise to anything. I know about the sex. And I respect you for it, though I am not like you. Did you love him? I mean really and truly? For me if you did, then you should compromise. And you would want for him to take over control in sex. Not all the time, I understand, because if you truly love him then you would want to be in control, not to control, but to pleasure him, while he just takes it all, to show him how much you love him. To give back what he gives you when you are underneath. Right? …
Unfortunately, the language is too simple, the style too shallow and the diction too repetitive. Nonetheless, I couldn’t stop reading because I wanted to know all that there is about Edward, and couldn’t wait to see what would happen between him and Bella. And so, 5 days later, I was done with all four books, and found myself writing this review. I really appreciate Meyer’s decision not to allow much to happen between Bella and Edward as in straight away, and that is why I couldn’t sleep or function for 5 days.…
I had many dreams where I finally find myself on the shore of a sea that I really want to cross to get to the other side. The other side is a promised land where reality is different and actually real. But, I could never reach the other side and it always traumatised me.
However, one dream, years after, I unexpectedly get to the other side.
Also, the #dream #stargate on the #moon is the other side.
These dreams stopped after I crossed it the first time.…
And I I am the most divine The most beautiful The most gorgeous Sexappeal shines through me Blinding all those who see Boys and girls alike I am true Aphrodite My life is full I am living the last moment of hell Though I have adapted myself sweetly Everything is under control A breezy graduation semester All courses are A’s so far And then I graduate and off to Beirut The land of merry-go-rounds to celebrate Where I am the mysterious gorgeous foreigner I will waltz in The maiden in black And put a spell on every girl and man I will go clubbing Dance and dance till dawn High high high The sweet relief of marijuana Drunk Sleep on the white sand beach And then And then I am back in my room Packing and saying goodbye Leaving for a brand new life A new start So chin up Up high my lady You are the one You are almost there Let butterflies fly you to the beginning of the way…
To space on your bike
All we got is some weed and greed
And a big imagination machine
Strange people are more familiar
Things girls do and why guys leave
Separate fact from fiction
My active imagination
Thanks for wasting your time on me
Pubs clubs weed
The whole deal
In his looks there showed a wondrous tenderness
God is in need of psychiatric sessions
What goes on in his head
So bored he had to make me
Wondering where i am
Moon howling
Pleading to be beside her…
She never walks
never runs
she glides
dancing
from one world to the other
helios from behind hills awakens her light
she remains in the darkness refuses to leave
calls zeus and the winds raise her dress
moan her name
every night touching the stars
artemis watching
the silence filled with eroticism
the reason you know ecstasy
the depth of the dark blue ocean
the early aurora
on the dark side of the moon
wicked touches of innocence
and decay of immortality
and the lies from slow time
unlimited illusion
nervous waves of the sea
light inside darkness
she is not a woman
not a goddess
she is me
i am her
I can’t remember much of my childhood. I didn’t have playmates. I grew up playing by myself.
I never was the top of my class in school. Never cared to be. Being an average student suited me cause I never believed that grades made you a better person. I am capable of being “better” to suit their ambitions of me. But what matters to me is that I know I can, but I just don’t want to. I never cared for what people thought of me. But at home, my father always reminded and threatened me by the idea of my cousin who always had scholarships and excellent grades, better hobbies and better relations with everyone in the family. My father thought he would provoke me that way and raise a challenge within myself to be better than my cousin. But that never happened. I never liked my cousin, will now. I have always been proud and tried to maintain my own individuality since I was a child. I have always told them and still do, that I won’t to be someone else. I am me.…
little princess your blessed bi-psyche we envy you but you have enraged us letting them wake you up intoxicating you with the drug of reality remember being omniscient? don’t you miss it? we do..…
Someone up there forgot all about me
Asked me to dance, abandoned my hand.
Somewhere up there a door is in front of me:
Immortality, but He gave me the wrong key.
I know I should wait for You to rise the sun,
But the night eats me alive, I won’t survive till sunrise.
Somehow, someway I have to try to realize:
I am here all alone, with my crown made of thorns.
I can’t follow You, I can’t see You.
Where are You? I hate You!
You fed me lies, no surprise, I despise You.
I hate You! Where are You?
Someone up there forgot all about me
Asked me to dance, abandoned my hand.
Someone up there forgot all about me.
Asked me to dance. Abandoned my hand.
I know I should wait for You to rise the sun,
But the night eats me alive. Won’t survive till sunrise.
Someone up there forgot all about me,
Asked me to dance.
Abandoned my hand.
You gave me lies
No surprise
I despise You
I hate You
Where are You
I can’t follow You
I can’t see You
Where are You
I hate You
Betrayer.…
This is a song that I wrote for you
This is the least that I could do
In a way to say that I’m still there
In a way to show that I still care
And I still see you in my dreams
Your touch, your lips, nothing has changed
Then I awake and its not real
All I do is close my eyes again
And I still remember the night we shared together
You’d cry and hold my fingers and wish this could last forever
(The night we shared together)
So this is the song, dedicated to you
Please tell me if there’s more I can do
I wanna give you the sun and paint the sky so blue
Do you believe that I am true
I am true
Time went by and now you are gone
Would someone help me, I’m alone
Time goes by and you’re still not here
My blood is mud, my heart is stone
And I still remember your smile, your voice and your kisses
And I want to erase the past, the future and present
And I will draw my own world and place only you in it
We’ll be here together…
Pretty much a normal, hectic day. Had my morning coffee with a friend, lunch with another, shopped with a third friend, discussed getting 250 JDs worth of hair extensions, and went to see a movie with my best friend, which made me write this.
After a long busy day of paying social calls, talking about what’s been going on with me and my troubles, gossiping and such, it was nice to retire in front of the big screen and relax. Letting my troubles go away and watch others’ lives roll on the screen.
Paris, hidden underneath the snow. To look out the window is a relief now. The city is untainted; the apartment almost dark. Night is falling. In some other room, a song is heard. A distant melody. Piano. A soft male voice. Words about some mad world, about children who wait for the day they feel good. “Happy birthday, happy birthday…”…
All it takes is to listen to a good dance song in your headphones. Raise the volume way up and walk in the campus. You are the one and only then. Music and beat walking births bouts of confidence.…
The air was heavy with sweat booze and cigarettes. Even heavier in the condensed air was this song.The techno shrill beat makes you want to jump and move like a madman, even if you’ve never heard this song before The people were on the move, on a one way train not caring to look back It was a wonder.…
The phone rings, no it doesn’t. It vibrates, once and a while. And I engage myself with a petty, wasteful moment; to be cool, to be a psycho. Tomorrow I’ll be nobody again.
Cholera sweeps over Lebanon, maybe the Jews too. We’ll hopefully, my father said. He panicked like nothing I’ve seen. With his head hanging down, seated upside down, his legs up on the chair. He was asleep, in a corner. Sick, maybe dying. And I like, like a mouse come, bewildered at this view. He panicked.. He panics 10 times. And I panic because of him. He’s crazy. Yelling and panicking. He died? Oh no, did he? Some prayers, about the will of God. But he panics. He panics 20 times. And sobs, he’s crazy. What is he talking about? My little brother apparently. But why? Cholera. But it hasn’t come yet, has it? Cholera, cholera, cholera. What did they say it meant? Aggression, violent outbursts and utter disappointment. Oh no. Why no? Not now! I want to go to Lebanon, where cholera is.
Little boys, babes in the woods Chins and cheeks, soft and clean Big boys now, big boys who can’t yet shave
I’ve never seen him like that. It broke my heart, to see a mountain shake and crumble. I love him tremendously. I do, I do.
I fear, I’m scared. I hate myself too. The one mute voice is a siren now It scares me, and I try to hide it beneath all the other voices How many are there? I don’t know I can’t count I hate particularities Common sense too…
What if we were disexual. If a relationship would be perfect and interactive on all four level, would be happier?
You’ll have a homo-friend, a hetero-friend, a homo-lover and a hetero-lover. You you might not contact with one of these communicative relations. You could experience being a male with a female, a female (with a same spirit) male, a male with a male and a female with a female. Would it deliver all your human needs and satisfy your core?…
you are on the plane, singing West Coast Sun. I’m in class, thinking about you, what verse have you reached by now.
I miss your touch yet you never did. Days are speeding away before I notice them. Now it’s down to seven days, seven agonizing days, You know how you feel when you’re about to jump into the pool and the waters below, you feel excited and scared, and it takes a while to get courage and jump. That’s how I feel now. Excited and scared. It’s a tiresome feeling, to be held ready to jump but not able to bring yourself to do it.
Here where we sat by the sea
You kept looking at me
Don’t you have something to say
You were gonna leave that day
I knew what was goin’ through your mind
The sea whispered me a lullaby
I lean and lay my head on your shoulder
The night is all around it’s getting colder
The sand is stuck on my dress and your hands
Your eyes say things to me I just can’t understand
You lean and steal a kiss from my lips
You touch my hair and kiss my fingertips
I wake up, I’m alone and you’re gone
I get up and walk alone to your home
There’s no one there and I don’t care about this misery
I take your blade and head to your room miserably
I take my hand and trace the blade on my wrist
The blood drops down on your sheets, I seize my fist
I lie in silence till I fall asleep in your bed
So this is it, now we are both dead.…
You still don’t know what you mean to me
My foolish angel
You still say that our worlds are so apart
I can’t deny that
You say you’re living in the north
Girl, there are no poles here
You and I are a perfect work of art
From sin and foe free
No sky and no sea
Will come between us
No wind and no breeze
Can separate us
No songs and no verbs
Can define what you and I are
No lips and no words
Can refine our lust
There is nothing in the world you know that I don’t want you to know
There is nothing in the sky you see that I can’t make you believe
I don’t wanna give you all my promises because I know tomorrow
Will take everything away from me and you will pale with sorrow
You will be a damsel in distress
I can be your knight
I will grant you all that I possess
Worship you will all my might
I will paint the sky solid blue
It’ll never be night
Wake me up with your sweet and sour caress
We’ll unite with plight
No woman no man
Have ever felt like this
No king and no plan
Can ever grant you this
No songs and no green
Are enough to make you high
No magick no queens
Will ever teach you how to fly
There is nothing in the world you know that I don’t want you to know
There is nothing in the sky you see that I can’t make you believe
I don’t wanna give you all my promises because I know tomorrow
Will take everything away from me and you will pale with sorrow
On a bench on the edge of a cloud sat a man. His hair was bushy and long. His beard was brown. He sat in rags and scars. Blood washed clothes and dry to crisp. He had holes in his palms, shoulders and feet. He sat, smiling, with faithful eyes. He was waiting for someone to arrive. And he arrived. Dressed in luxury and sleekness. He sat next to Jesus and nodded formally.
The lowest form of life.
Jesus wholeheartedly asks why
Why did you call for me? You know I don’t want to”
J asked him how he was doing.
Great. Excellent. No problems. On schedule.
J asked him about his future plans.
Ultimate dominance. Secure the Elite. Abolish lowest forms of life.
The excessive heat of the rising morning air killed all hope for a productive day. As the men finished their breakfast they left to attend each to his responsibility. The sun was rising in the horizon yet beating down on their heads. Some had wrapped their shirts round their heads while others wore sweat soaked caps against the domination of the merciless desert sun.…
Star dying in the sky, grant me a wish before you die,
And leave me all alone to crime my sins.
This wish is all I need, to figure out why do I treat
My life without no love or dignity.
I see the light. I’m going blind.
This light will hurt me if I follow or beliefs.
All my possessions, all my believes
Drowned my Whole into a cold me.
Mother, oh mother, would you tell me if I was wrong?
I feel I don’t belong to you no more.
Mother, tell father that I used to be a good little girl
Until I grew up, I am me.
Something is said and I will shout
I don’t remember where I’ve been, what I did
What I used to be.
Give me a sign give me a chance,
I want to be a saint I want to be divine.
I know it’s true all cause of you
The day I met you I lost my innocence
But didn’t lose you.
You hurt me deeply, you made me cry
And now I want this wish so I can die
Honey, sweet honey, would you tell me
That I’m still sane
Assure me that there is some good still left in me.
Take me embrace me.
Promise me that you’ll never leave.
Or so say so I can still dream
Of a sinless me
I want to dream of a sinless me…
In the mirror what do you see?
Don’t be sad you still have a beautiful smile
In the desert, freedom.. loneliness.
Don’t be shy you’re beautiful when you’re naked.
You dance with evil!
You breed with the devil.
You speak words of wisdom which you only hear!
You live under my skies!
You are always so fucken high.
You breath the air that I wish for!
“If you don’t have the time to be God,
Just relax and come on in.
I will gladly be a fucken great God for You.”
Beautiful Is all you know.
And it’s all you can think of.
But it’s something you will never afford
You trip with evil!
You Pray with the devil.
You sing words of sin in which You only live.
You live under my eyes. You are always so fucken high!
You breath the air that I wish for..…
Run, run don’t ever dare to look back
Save, save what’s left and attack
Here, here you gotta jump to this side
There’s no time you have learn to fly…
I’m waiting under the sun
Don’t take too long just take some
Try, try and destroy this wall
And when you’re there you’ll be a whole
They think that you have a choice
Listen only to your voice
Lightning can strike twice
Follow and believe in your dreams
You know your dreams believe in you
You have only once to live
This time you will do it right
Take my sword, prepare to fight
I’ll help and show you the way
You have wasted so much time
Getting there will take a while
But there’s no turning back
Run, run don’t ever dare to look back
Save, save what’s left and attack
Here, here you gotta jump to this side
There’s no time you have learn to fly
Try, try and destroy this wall
And when you’re there you’ll be a whole
You’ll be a whole
You’ll be a whole
You’ll be a whole
They have gone,
And I’m better without them, better without them.
Though I’m alone,
I’m better without them, better without them.
I couldn’t care less,
they can leave and forget all about me
Cause I deserve, to live my life the way I want me to be.
I wish I was a man,
To fall in love with me.
I could pretend that someone’s here with me,
But,
Can he see me,
Can he feel me,
Does he know me?
Can you feel me?
Do you know I’m unhuman
I had wings for these shoulders, now they’re shoulders.
I, I fell
from, from
Hell.
They have gone,
And I’m better without them, better without them,
Though I’m alone;
I’m better without them, better without them
I wish I was a man
To fall in love with me
I could pretend that someone’s here
with me
But you see me
and you feel me
and you know me
Do you love me?…
And as I walk through the oceans I see
The burden in my hand,
The blessing shines on me
He killed me
The sky is getting closer
I see the light
If I jump off this bridge
Would you save me, hold me tight
Save me
And as I walk through the oceans I see
The burden in my hand
Hell shining on me
He killed me
The sky is getting closer
I see the light
And If you jump off this bridge
Would you save me hold me tight
Save me…
At times I care about you
Other times I loath everything in you
Sometimes I run hide and die
But most of the time you see me high
Now I know what I have become
It is clear: I am that girl that I feared.
Who is who? Who dares to say I’m insane
I am cool
I might be better than you
I am cool
We do not know. This is how it usually goes.
Waiting for tomorrows where magic beans,
They do grow
We catch, our last breath with no fear
For we’re here, this ain’t so sincere.
Who is who. Who dares to say we’re deranged
What about you?
You might be crazy too
Confused decisions. Rational delusions.
Dancing naked on roof tops and falling to hell.
Living life as a fantasy
Where there is no one but you and me.
Giving life a chance to freak us, again!
One foot: skipping delightly in a fairy tale
Hearing Him say be gay yes its okay
My other foot: sinking in a spiral of absurd hate
Driving me mad Driving me insane.…
I’m collecting names from my past.
It’s funny how I believed those days would last.
I can’t remember where I’ve been,
I can’t remember my own best friend
But You, you hunt in my dreams, mr. Amnesia
I don’t really know who you are,
I can’t remember what’s your name.
But I remember that it felt so good to wake up with you.
Were your eyes a different kind of blue?
Or were they just plain brown?
Did your presence make me smile?
Or did you make me frown,
Did it feel like heaven’s coming down
Whenever you touched my hand?
Have I ever told you ‘I love you’
My amnesia I don’t really care who you were.
I can’t seem to remember your name.
But I do remember how it felt so good
So good
To wake up with you…
You want me, to stop believing in sad things,
In sad endings.
You want me, to smile even before I wake up.
You want me to notice how many stars
There are in the sky,
You want me to notice how many stars
There are in the blue sky.
I want to breath easier, sleep tighter
Become a fighter.
To be strong, challenge the wind whenever it may blow.
I want to notice how many stars there are in the sky.
I want to understand, realize they are made for me.
For me
For me…
First of all,
Magnificent you are..
إنسان عظيم هو أنت…
Thank you, for being the greatest father, the understanding and compassionate stabbed and betrayed father..
No one is like you..
And I thank you..
And I love you..
And I am sorry..
But what can I do?…
Though I am trying, seriously praying to my lord, to guide me..
To enlighten me, how to be in the golden middle..
الصراط المستقيم…
But I know I should and I will have to sacrifice..
And whom I would sacrifice I know too..
You, my family, my tree..
There is no other way..
Though of course I wish there was..
And I will keep on trying to figure it out..
But this is what I know..
Monday, January 05, 2004Monday,
Thoul Ki’dah 13, 1424
8:58:00 PM…
She almost heard his voice. Almost noticed his words. Only if she could concentrate just a little more. But that was impossibly challenging. His eyes were all she could focus on, until they grew more distorted with each instant. She couldn’t pull together the picture. She couldn’t remember where they were. She knew it was happening, but there was a more commanding sensation captivating her consciousness. She knew she should be hearing his voice, memorizing his words. Her eyes were wide open, but she couldn’t see him any longer. She saw a formless ghost imitating someone or something familiar.…
No one notified me. I went. The whole campus was eerily deserted. I was 22 and my style gothic. The lone security guard was worried when he saw me roaming up and down the campus trying to figure out where the concert would be held. I had the right date and time. My friends weren’t there either. We bought the tickets together. I was the most excited to go. Opeth are my favorite.
It felt horrible. As if I’m delusional and imagined the whole thing.…
I am inspired mostly always. I enthusiastically think about writing almost all the time. But I do not. I find it hard to make myself sit and grab a pen. My lazy, careless nature stops me from achieving the one thing I am proud of, good at and live to do. If I had forced myself to sit and write every time I was inspired, I would probably have written at least three novels, a hundred short stories and countless poems.…
fucken idiot //you give me hatred “…the greatest thing you’ll ever learn.. is just to love.”
you’ll never be loved in return..
stop using your dreams against yourself!
for how long? ha? for how long bitch?…
I dress up.. Really pretty, though I know we wont be going anywhere.. That we’ll stay in his flat..
I looked really good, I know that.. I was wearing my Stradivarius dress with black flip flops and let my hair hang wild, as it likes..…
I sat down on the bed beside you observing you try tie the laces of you shoes. Silently, nervously, uncertainly you tied and untied your dirty old shoes.
Mine are white and new; my guilty hearted proud shoes. You tie up short ends knowing you can’t change things. Your eyes to the ground and mine following yours. I want to run away barefoot with you.
Notes:
Dramatic moment. I decided to write it down as soon as I got a chance. I realized that this was immense in my life, a theme.
A boy and I were having a #presence filled relationship, enjoying our mutual companionship.
When the time to depart arrived, we put our shoes on and everything changed. A drift away and apart. We lived in time-out, and now we have no choice but to return to reality. Although neither of us said a word, our shoes were having at it. Our relationship threatened.
I have not seen him, nor his shoes again.
Society breaks individuals into a million pieces.…
Rushing. Running late.. American Lit 2 with dr. RQ. I MUST be outside the classroom by 9:30. No time to dress, no time to drink water.. Driving fast.. Parking car and running with all my might through the crowded campus.. Out of breath.. I collapse for a moment hanging on the door handle.. ‘please may I come in?’ ‘have a nice day.. Sorry..’ ‘but I was running…’ ’emmemm..’ I close the door slowly.. Quietly.. And rest my back on the door.. I wanted to cry. I almost did..…
Nelly and A.D have had a thing going for 2 or 3 days…
she fucked him then threw him out like the other men for the past 3 weeks..
He was asking why.. What’s going on…
She wanted to ditch him but didn’t know how, though didn’t want to hurt him cause she liked him a lot..
So we go. Me and her.. To his house..
M went to work his shift @books.
I kneeled on his bed.. Didn’t want to think about anything.. As if waiting.. But I wasn’t aware that I was in fact waiting.. So I watch him.. And her.. She trying to hold and kiss him.. He looks disgusted.. And I was a little bit glad.. Don’t know why.. And I don’t know why… I felt a little tiny bit Jealous… Yeah the big J word made me think by force… And I was stunned and shocked.. Jealous??
So here we are.. In books.. At the bar.. Nelly trying to fool around.. Everyone ignores her.. Even me. I was busy.. Watching him move.. How he talked to her.. How he looked at her.. How much he is pissed off and angry.. And I watch him.. I never watched anyone and let him notice me.. But I didn’t care.. Let him notice me.. Cause I wanted that.. A little bit.. Though it was inappropriate.. But I do not care…
I found to my amusement, that he notices and wants me to notice something in return.. He is noticing me too.. There were a couple of moments.. When he is on the cash, and me infront of him to the right.. Our eyes meet.. But a strong force drives us not to dare and look away.. Those moments felt like hell.. Fucken hypnotic.. I was very relaxed and comfortably watching his eyes.. Controlling them.. But somewhere deep inside of me was someone was screaming.. Loudly.. Someone or something, trying to tell me something.. He heard that voice.. And I heard his inner voice as well.. And we look away….. He gets himself really busy to avoid this hell between us.. And I stare at the mirror in front of me, at myself.. At my beautiful hair.. My beautiful face.. My beautiful smile.. And I wonder, why am I smiling like that.. I wasn’t aware that I was foolishly, childishly smiling..
RCrystal calls to smoke with me and Nelly.. She wants to go.. I don’t.. I don’t want any weed or RCrystal or anything else.. I only want to know what is this hell I am feeling is all about.. But she drags me.. I do something really strange.. Even very weird for me.. I write my mobile number on a paper and give it to Malik.. No thinking.. Just doing.. Not caring.. Just taking action.. Malik didn’t want to take the paper.. He was pissed and told me to stay away from A.. Cause he thinks i’m going to hurt him.. Malik wants to protect A from me.. I was pissed off.. And told him, give it to him.. I know what I am doing.. Do not worry about him.. Dont.. Not saying goodbye to anyone.. Me and Nelly leave..
I drive very fast.. Escaping from something… Then I suddenly look in the rear view mirror.. And I hit breaks.. I stop.. My heart is beating so fast.. A.D from behind walks to the car… All the way he is looking at the mirror.. And I watch him.. What was going on in my mind … I don’t know.. I blacked out.. Deaf and blind I waited.. He came to Nelly’s door.. And kneeled.. Looking at me.. Not saying anything.. Indifferent calm face and voice.. He says, – where are you going?
Nelly wants to ditch him.. She wants RCrystal and weed.. I don’t know what I want anymore.. She tells me not to dare to take him with us.. For the first time.. I ignore what she wants.. Nelly Nelly Nelly.. Its not all about you .. – no where.. Come with me… It just came out of my mouth… Me.. Not us… Without any word.. Still looking at me… He gets in the car.. And I drive away.. Not until we are in the 7th circle.. That I dare and look in the mirror.. No one has said anything ever since.. Nelly was angry with me and turned the music loud.. I saw what I feared… Him looking at me.. As if he has been looking at the rear view mirror a long time ago.. Waiting for me.. A million seconds passed and we are still looking at each other’s eyes… And he asked me why did I give him my number.. – I don’t know.. Why not?
That was it…
Of course R.Crystal didn’t like the idea of me bringing a guy to smoke with us.. He told me no.. And that he wont give me anything.. I got really angry and left.. But I wished Nelly would stay there.. She didn’t.. Bitch.. Why? I don’t know.. She said that we should go to her house in shmesani..
Shmesani. I parked the car.. Left it running.. And waited for her to get out.. A.D got out too.. I don’t know why I was so sure that he will come with me.. I was very confident that Nelly will stay home alone.. Nelly and A.D, now outside the car.. Nelly says what am I waiting for.. Come on.. I look at her a long time.. Then look at him… I don’t know what was happening , but without a word, he got in the car.. Beside me.. And we never looked at Nelly again… We, drove away… The ride to .. I don’t know, books maybe.. Was nerve wrecking.. I told him not to care about Nelly.. She is a slut.. She fucked you and ditched you and it has been happening with others for the past 3 weeks… He said, – I don’t give a shit about her.. But I pity myself.. How can a girl treat me this way… Who does she think she is…
That’s it.. All the way he was looking at me in disbelief.. In a surprise… He was thinking.. Who is this Leila.. Who is she.. I was thinking the same thing about him.. Never did something like this happen to me before.. Planned out by my heart and becoming true.. Reality.. Second by second..
So I slow down in front of books.. Wanting to go to his home.. Not books… He is looking at me still.. In the same way.. And he says.. Go to my house..
“here we are…” I was thinking to myself… We were sitting on his bed.. Foolishly… Lost.. And confused.. There were no formalities.. No questions about our age.. Our schools.. Our daily lives.. Our how are you’s.. We started talking about serious things in life.. So easily and simply we began… And so easily and magically the connection between our eyes… Effected and moved to the level of words.. We knew what to talk about just by looking at each others eye.. Aaaahhh his eyes.. They seduce me like a virgin.. Slowly for us…but so fast to the world we fell in love… Deeply in seconds.. While talking about life, death, Jim Morrison… It was the best time I ever talked and listened to someone.. Because there was a connection.. There was one.. And slowly it began evolving and taking shape.. Till we saw it… Saw each other kiss.. I was so lost in the moment.. That I don’t even remember what happened.. One minute we were talking, and the other I was kissing the man.. I am madly in love with…
It was just like a dream.. Meant to be.. We both knew for sure that this is meant to be… We just went with the flow.. With no control.. No chains.. We were just being ourselves.. Simple.. Everything was very, very simple.. But with a grand magical glorious effect… And slowly i began to realize what the hell was going on..
->everyone of us has a picture of the perfect man\woman in our head.. Since we are little boys and girls.. We draw the hair we want.. Colors.. eyes.. body.. lips.. skin.. hands.. fingers.. We even try to imagine a voice.. The personality.. What he likes, what words and phrases he uses.. How cool he is.. The music he listens to.. The clothes he wear.. How he sits. .walks.. talks.. Smiles.. laughs.. His teeth.. His principles in life.. His ideas.. His life style.. His goodness.. His evilness.. His strengths and weaknesses.. Anyway… What I want to say.. Is all my life, I have been imagining and dreaming of a man who is exactly like me, but a boy.. A pretty pretty perfect prince.. Who thinks like me.. Who loves like me.. Who wants all the exact things I want in my life..
This I have found in him.. In my A., My angel.. Every word he says, is what I want to tell my loved one.. Every move he makes, is what I want to show him.. He is me… With him, I always feel like I am thinking aloud.. That he hears what goes on in my head..
So the first day was an unbelievable shock, for both of us.. We spent the whole day just staring at each other.. Trying to believe what our eyes see.. What our heart feels…trying to realize that the One we have been searching for all these years.. Going through all the pain for… But then surrendered and failed finding, was suddenly right there, in front of me.. In front of him..
I promise myself that I would try to close myself off emotionally to the world and trust no one. I don’t want to get carried away by my feelings again;
I need to stop being victimized by my own weakness and insecurities about other people, especially men.
Its been really sometime since I last wrote u anything,
I don’t know why,
I don’t know what is wrong with me,
even though my love grow bigger and bigger everyday,
but showing them to you is hiding,
im afraid I will lose u like that,
that u will think I will stop loving u,
or I will leave u,…
I feel I’m exploding inside. Strangled. The whole of yesterday trying so damn hard not to think about him or about the things we have said or done the past great 6 months. Feels like 6 years.. I have forgotten how it was when he wasn’t in my life.. And there he is out of it.. And i am alone again.. I cant remember what my life was. What should it be now that everything is changing…I spent yesterday watching movies so i wouldn’t have a minute for myself to think of him.. It was hard and impossible.. But i managed to get through it.. but this night.. I couldn’t protect myself of thinking about him.. Dreams betrayed me .. And i had nightmares.. All about him..
In the dream we were out.. And abeh was with us.. It was all ok.. we had little fights between the 3 of us but nothing serious i had to leave and go home.. I went out to get a taxi and looked behind me and they weren’t there. i went back to look for them and found them on a bench and she was in his lap.. Just the way that i used to sit. they were looking at each other, intimate and entranced and i was shocked.. i came close and whispered something to them both. She didn’t respond. she didn’t bother me. I had only feelings for him. I wanted to kill him. i whispered to him ‘why’ ..Haven’t even left yet he looks at me for a while then spits. Says ‘that’s why’. and she was still transfixed on him, waiting for him to be back with her
i woke up half an hour ago. Couldn’t lock my tears away and cried, and i am still crying..
i don’t know what i did.. I don’t know what will happen.. I don’t know what to expect from the future… I am so scared and all i can think of is that i’d rather die if he wants her back. the dream shocked me and i’m still hurt. Damn it… i want him too much.. I miss him too damn much…And i hate my life so much….
context: lies and games:
abab saw ila yesterday.. Came by his office..
Ahmad’s email:
hey sweet one…I hope im not bothering u in this e-mail…I wish everything went just right..And i wish u keep on sending e-mails to me, which i know is not right…Anyway caramel , you do what u see is best…And i will surly understand…Bye… ps…May i keep the pictures? If in any case u will get worried, i will destroy them… If u allow me to keep them, i will always keep them in a safe place, the memory that is left behind from you… But i need to know wether i can keep them… They r yours as much as they r mine, u have the right to choose..…
The outside voice, sterilized, a drone; rationally, contextually, culturally surviving life. And the inner voice; sober, veiled and evolving eternally, a passion for a promised life, a different life undelivered. A life spaced a space away and above the apparent reality, living in a life of its own. Hidden, enduring this matrix.
The sacrifices and the sorrows find the comfort in addictions and obsessions.
Mute, screaming, turning a blind eye to its existence here. Experiencing through dreams instead, the unleashed imaginations of a contained mind. I hear her through the running thought commentaries. I feel her inside the creases of my stirred beliefs. I release her through the gushing faith that there is something much more than life.
She is obligated to no one but herself. I am obligated to her.
SHe is my rituals with fantasy, my wanted expectations, my unfulfilled visions.
My desire for wishes and my need of wants.
Luring the outside voice with the longing and the craving, the yearning for more of what is unreally Real.
Filling my consciousness with aromatic nostalgia, aspirations, ambitions of a life lived before and forgotten. Terrorized by the virtual pressures, anxieties and stress. Disappointed, unsatisfied, dissatisfied, unfulfilled and thirsty for a mystery that I seek to be closer to.
The aftertastes of worship, ultimate devotion, eternal commitment, the lives long lived full of dedication, care, concern and worry for something or someone I barely remember. I’m begging to exit, she’s begging to be unleashed.
I am but a noise in her mind. She is my comfort from this living that is life.
The others, I smile back at them when I don’t want to. I can’t stop. I am pressured to be alive. I treat everyone nicely.
I am her karma.
Marilyn Manson, an internationally wide known rock singer, who was and still is crucially misunderstood lyric wise, has been under sever condemnation and pressure; due to the fact that language ( here, his lyric content ) affects society in different ways based on the environment, traditions, backgrounds, social and political states and many other sites.…
Lost pathway… no creature has ever been here before alive and she is no creature.. Darkness enfolded her beauty, lying to the Gods, Invisibility.. but the pale full moon conquered the dead image of the night, just like that omen, hung between her breasts.…
She walked naked through the Volga The night was pure, silver stars shivered The slow cruel wind roamed the ice and grounds And the deep forest witnessed the powerful sounds
Thick fog surrounded her glacial skin Frozen dust between her fingers Didn’t matter a thing The killing smoke, the dim light The clouds held the pale moon so very right The last shadows on the frozen water The summer soil will get older …
He was the ocean Blue, wild and deep Mysterious like heaven When he’s in pain he bleeds
The angels surrounded his perfectness And to his goddess he was a child His innocent touches were her only desires and his powerful scream made her wild…
She had a choice, The god’s declared To be with stars, or be a star To see them fade every night Cover her face with eternal scars The endless scream of the rain The dying roses in her veins For truth is a whore Blood covered her unholy shame
The twisted tears lost in her eyes The sullen raven conquered her skies Her black wild hair danced like a beast She wanted more, She wanted the fear…
You watched my world as it drifts to an end Ravish desires, lost dreams, my bed You held my wishes, my hopes so close You promised me that I will never grow old.…
And every night she sees this fucken hand Reaching for her forbidden treasure He raped her eyes and soul Agitated her beauty with torrid fever The sinful cries, the guilty looks The beautiful innocence that he took The dying angels in her eyes The tortured saints, today they’ll die Vicious touches, abandoned love Savage kisses, one black dove Gothic laughter, hollow fear Everafter, purple tear…
She had died Long ago Just a worthless body Roaming through silent rooms.. Casual strangers share her air Visitors who lead her to her doom Unclean words of empathy Cryptic writings she saw every night Unleashing screams of dirty sympathy That her torn lips had to bite Crying and sharing it all with her stars Suffering from cancerous lies Misspelled words and eternal scars Pleading to the cruel skies Unicorns and angels, gardens of sin Craziness to swallow the clouds And let them all win Tigers, she slept with Looked for them and found The err of life is done by living And the err of living is done by life…
She resisted the pleasure Which demanded her fallen character Reaches out for the forbidden treasure Her guardian angel was watching over her Twisters of guilt followed the ambition Dark, secret desires drew her filthy lines And the room, rayless, taboo, deep and forgotten Her raven eyes were shining cryptic signs It lay in her sinless hands Lifeless, yet full of erotic breath All alone, yet with the invisible guardian she stands As she encounters death A moment passes She screams with tears of decay Her young body shakes violently She wanted to talk… but had nothing to say……
His undivided powers To rule over the invisible, helpless shadows Gained a distant ray of tragedy Deserted his chaotic sorrow The cyclones of foggy guilt Gave him darkness like raven’s skin But as long as he’ll stay alive He’ll rule over the kingdom of sin…
The kingdom.. An empty galactic Crowded with decayed echoes Screams Of silence Of birth Death Casual laughter Careless moans of sin Virgin minds Awaiting to be raped Between the tides And the waves of time Oceans of celestial justice Sand, Secret and pale Ticking wind Inviting needles of mystery Welcome, to the Elysian Fields Where soldiers of immortality Sentry the sacred fruit The sinful, divine cherry Held by the saint, The sensual living Chained by scintillating stars Embraced by the eyes and arms of the Immortal Sneaking under his eyes He demands him to repent And retreat The enemy The rapist His rapist Defending his threatening shadow Under the mask of Elysium A deceitful serpent With slits of fire And skin cold and crystallized Watching under the divine dirt The man and wife Absent-mindedness Fading in each other’s breaths Stealing the glittering glare of the sun Shielding his shrieking shadow Simple souls Souls lost in the curves of sorrow…
You watch my humanity As it drifts to an end Ravishing all desires Lost dreams My bed You hold my wishes My hopes So close You promise me I’ll never grow old My fate Locked up In the room Behind the wall Your tainted thoughts Or my endless fall
Hypnotized gods For you pray Lost cruel ravens You always save The meaningless cries The sins The lies Your heaven is near With one wing you fly On gentle clouds You see me in every crowd With faithful songs To our country you long Angel, I believe in you. All you say about me is true.. The crimes that I lived.. The men that I killed.. The women I drowned in twisters of guilt.. My mother The virgin.. She’s still pure and untouched.. My father The killer.. Every dream he fucked.. I burn the moon, As you crucify yourself.. One day they’ll know, That there is no heaven Or a fucken hell.. When my life Was drowning in panic and dismay You rescued me From myself With your sweet embrace You said it’ll be gay The loathing hatred That people to you gave You still covered them With thorns and roses On their graves You kept the wicked smile On your dead purple lips And spoiled me with stars Planets and powerful eclipses The screams of joy The tears of pain You never stopped You did it again You lived my life As if I were you And of all the desperate people You chose only a few I was attracted To your perfect absence But I never knew You held for me more than this attraction I dreamt of the nights I dreamt of the sweet pain Of your dirty, Divine lips.. Oh, angel! Kiss me again.. The gods already know. They have always seen.. It was obvious, Our bond was not all that sheen.. Gods let us play Our dirty little game.. So please, My guardian angel, Do it again.. Many angels left heaven.. And the rest have died..…
…
I dreamt of Charlie on stage telling me to dance, dance. And I was almost Marilyn Monroe as I danced.But I was Lulu, Louise(early Jan 2015)
I let himI do nothingI let him touch meUnder the crowded banquet table we hid
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