Letter

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    #Letter: Love Burnt

    Since a young age, I fell in love, several times.
    They say- you fall in love once in your life, if you’re lucky.
    Everytime, I, my soul, my young consciousness, thought that this is it, this is the one. My soulmate.
    And it went on, heartbreaks and luggage, as it kept growing in my 20s, 30s.
    A giant wall grew between my soul and my heart. It became hard for me to enjoy life, to trust men, trust in myself, trust the cosmos. It became hard to fall in love.

    Angel..
    A part of me, the most precious and fragile, hides away behind that wall, safe and sound, sad and waiting.
    And I am left here in the woods of the memories that we have experienced together;
    the time I broke your bed. I remember that, but, where was I.. my soul was not with me, it was just me, afraid because everything, you and me, everything is going really well. Really really well. Still is, all the time better and better. I’m being convinced slowly by you, by the universe. As if it’s saying it’s alright. It’s Real.

    I hid my darling soul in a pretty little world– behind a wall. This world is too wrong for soul. Too much pain to heart, mental disappointment. No one understands, no one sees. No one deserves my love and the way i love. no one rises my soul.. Only my soulmate does, my Angel.

    And I still protect her. And lure her to come out, and play with you. Assert her self, spirit, sexually, or when I’m shy.

    Running around the porridge pot, refusing to call you Soulmate in these words i write, yet i have said it to you many times.

    I would, only after You do.

    My story of my life…
    […& my life is purposed by love & finding my other half- or soulmate]
    is a cycle that repeats itself. A story that repeats itself. Same story, same characters, same setting, but either a different timeline, or
    i meet a man, our eyes meets, we connect, we connect in talking, in walking, in bed, he must be the awaited one, i see the signs and listen to the syncs of synchronicities, there is a battle – somewhere, off world. Sabotage from external forces, change him, his spirit, his personality, his mind, his memories. He doesn’t recognize me, or even like me, and leaves. Battle to separate these two from eachother.
    I learnt that the common factor between the various relationships of these soulmate potentials was a Presence. That’s the word I have used from the start. A presence of a soul, my own mate, that is the one that interacts with me and my soul – through the host of the man.
    And that moment, when the presence seemingly disconnects, and the host is back to its user.

    The day floats away, blurry vague memories of same..…

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    #Letter to RJT: Apology & Confession

    Dear R…

    This is a very long time coming apology that you deserve to hear from me, 
    And I need to convey it to you and let you know. 

    I am Sorry for so many things. 

    I am sorry for the person I was.
    I am sorry for my behaviour. 
    I’m sorry for the way I treated you.
    And I’m sorry for the way I mistreated your son. 

    I am sorry for all the bad decisions that I took that broke our loving family.
    Sorry for the way things turned out between us. 
    And I am sorry for the time it took me to see the wrong that I did. 

    I’m sorry for treating you the way I did; it is inexcusable.
    For taking you for granted; I was ignorant.
    For not appreciating what we had; I am regretful.
    And I am sorry for pushing you out, it is unforgivable.

    I am sorry for leaving to Jordan.
    I am sorry for my arrogance. 
    Sorry for my ignorance. 
    Sorry for the way I behaved.

    I know sorry won’t fix it, and even if it’s alright with you, it is not for me. I regret it all.
    You do not need to reply in any way.

    LB

    NOT SENT:

    And I am sorry it is too late to say to you what I really want to say.. I have more that I want to tell you. But I understand and I know that it is selfish of me to want to tell you more. You might not want to hear it as you are in another place, in another life with somebody else. And I won’t, unless you want me to keep talking. 

    PS. I have written a second letter even if I won’t be sending it to you after all. But, the possibility that it could also be selfish to withhold my feelings, just in case you are like me.. not where you rather be.  

    Delete, OR read.………..

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    Honey,

    I hate myself so much for being so stupid, for letting you, and all of our life go, and just like that. I am angry at myself that I was so ignorant and arrogant. And I am angry that whatever wisdom I have gained is too little too late. Too much loss suffers me, nothing I did is excusable, nothing I did to you is forgivable.
    I wish I can go back in time and

     save the best thing that ever happened to me, the best thing that ever happened in my life. I am so sorry that I don’t have a time machine to go back and do things differently, cause I will worship you for you who are, appreciate every moment we have, and adore you for all that you do, live gratefully that I found you, and that you are with me, and that you are mine. 

    You are the one and the only one who.. so many things I.. I am churning with regret and the loss, and have been for years.

    You are the reason I came back to Sweden. At night I keep dreaming about you, about us for three years continuously up to last night. Wonderful dreams of how abundant the love we had between us and for each other was. The family we created that I broke is my biggest regret. 

    I miss you too much.. and if you are reading this but you do not feel the same way, then please ignore it. Nothing will change. I’ll assume you didn’t read and you deleted this.…

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    Dear Rupert | Do Not send

    This never happened before now. Apart from one drunken breakdown last time I saw you.
    I never felt like talking to you before this, and I’m feeling what I am because my dreams are tormenting me. I’ll start with that.

    I only started dreaming about you extremely recently. I don’t know how long because time makes no sense, but maybe only shorts weeks.
    Not so no, I did dream about you but again only recently, this time time is in years, very rarely, a couple of times.
    Then there was that very very rare nightmare, where you were there, julie and the tyrannosaurus rex in the night. That was mainly a bad dream because of what you did.…

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    Lettr – to #TDK

    My Dear,

    I love this room we’re making here. This lettr room is where thoughts can lay to rest. (see: Harry Potter – Pensive).
    & As for the words spoken on phone, i wished that today’s was recorded.
    Because it was ‘important talk’.

    I felt it was prologue for the next chapter. And so,
    what brings us here today, back together, and what links me to you when we are apart, is mysterious. A bigger picture that we both relish in thinking about. We talk and write about it, and utilize art and music to create it.

    And what is artistic creation if not an affect of utter lack of descriptive words for formless ideas. Only, there is a problem here somewhere. What we have at hand here is that our deepest, darkest and brightest INTER-monologues and dialogues; and our separate, enchanting INNER-monologues, suffer time dilation and the unforgettable curse of forgetfulness. & in my case inspirations and experiences, thoughts and words fade completely and now momentarily so. The lost inspirations are but dreams forgotten. The conscious mind is barred from the house of subconscious by decree, because our records are no longer in Akasha.

    #Book 

    “Adm, I will capture these energies, masquerading as thoughts! But I need you. Show me the way to a secret place. We’re going to create.
    – Atlantean me

    So what I wants is :
    for all our thoughts and feelings to synergies, and imprint on the fabrics of space. Codes we will leave for future reference. Anchors to memories and experiences we can tap into when need arrise. Because we are cursed with amnesia, and i know it can be fixed.
    From then on, it will be interesting to look at the form we will see emerging after our book is updated and we align the times.
    This want imposes on me. It ‘s posing, patiently, for both you and I to do it. To go ahead and start watching the real show.
    When we experienced the love room, 9/2013-7/2014, I was shy, embarrassed- to speak my truth. What I felt Atlantis meant to me, and why did space feel like home when no home ever did was the only topics that were hard on me to express to another being. But in my defense, back then I called these thoughts crazy. And then I would dare the universe to prove me wrong by way of you uncovering what I kept covered, in fear of being ridiculed by destiny. And as we both danced around the stories of an ocean of sunken ground, we were afraid to possess the crazy we both felt should be real. We never talked comfortably about it. And it shall not be like this- this time around.
    You saw how deliberately
    I today start anew with you
    with my truth as my only defense. And as you know, I never doubt that the inner you would misinterpret the inner me. …
    We write down what is difficult to say, and send a letter to eachother.

    We go through records of inner broken emotions and pain to unfurl the secret and the hidden. We should save it. Literally pressing the save button. And that’s the mission statement.
    Because all we ever write down or think about create music or art for is a gift of labour
    of a sum of experience to our higher plans, and our higher selves. To our predecessor selves and our future selves. I never doubted you. But I sometimes doubt the cosmos.

    oh moon you’re big and bright won’t you stay with me tonight.

    L

    /the sum of me.…