Bipolar express train, beginning and finishing chapters in moments. Speed of pain progress, mental psychological.
I thought today as you looked at me on your couch, or maybe it didn’t happen like that, how I wish you could get inside my mind and know everything and how gracefully I’m handling lifetimes in duration of words.
I’m happy we didn’t talk. If your body didn’t talk to mine, I would have not come back. I was struggling, to tell your body more, to tell you all, to show love, to show anger. But every time I’d stop.
I’m glad we didn’t talk about what happened. I wanted to, I needed to, I thought we should clarify, After I got home I felt glad we didn’t.
Then driving home from school I realized that somewhere I have allowed myself to fall in love with you. Rollercoaster ride handling notions, emotions. Things between us deconstructed, changed, leveled up. Until I found myself accepting my role as your mother, knowing well that there is no way I could really be that for you If I stop myself from falling in love with you- If I don’t fall in love with you.
This self-trust, Ever-progressing philosophies have been shaping me out of myself into my self. Speed reduced from years to months to days to minutes to moments. Blessings upon me.
Hear of this moment, unanticipated revelation of unprecedented proclamation of “Mama, I want you to fuck me.”
My lower insides are heating up just by writing it. Realizations led me to decide on taking up my imagination once more. The tarot concurred emphatically again and again. So I engaged myself sexually without porn, and gave you a scene of acquaintance and interaction with mama’s, that’s my fantasy.
I learned today from Emerald that fetishes relate to trauma, and so I allowed myself to start exploring the pedophilic incidents with the gardener. I’m aware I am capable of experiencing it objectively, without hating him, which was what I was told to do anyway. What an issue this topic is today though. I mentioned it to mama this afternoon, ‘they’re resetting social norms back to original, natural sexual norms, where there is no childhood.’
I never wrote this way before. I don’t include life snippets unless they are major anchors. …
I was watching porn, and I was appreciating the couple’s love for eachother; the natural attraction of their freedom.
I was focusing on their faces and their body language; more than focusing, or enjoying their act of sex and foreplay. And I, unfortunately, realized that I am facing an unexpected demon, and I’ll need to confront it now. I didn’t watch more than 5 minutes.
Habibi I am not ready to experience what I saw in the film, with you. And it surprised me.. I had no idea how much has been actually locked inside me.
And I am telling you this because I want you to know it; but not for you to tell me, in reply:
خدي وقتك بحترمك أو إنَك ما رح- بحياتنا- تغْصبني على أي إشي اصلاً. انا عم بحكيلك: بس عشان بدي تعرف، انّي طِلعت خايفا هلأ. لإنه انا شبه متأكده اني ما رح أقدر أكون حالي. ما رح اكون مبسوطة و لا مرتاحة، و ممكن كمان تعقدني حالة الرهبة: انو انت عم بتعاملني بالزبط، و أكتر، من الزوجين اللي بالفلم.
I wanted to talk to you about my anxiety today, and yesterday; but it was difficult. Basically, I feel embarrassed -just for being inside my own skin. I feel like a small, confused and scared little girl who is caught in the act. Act of being alive, I guess.
I feel self-conscious. As if I’m constantly trying to prove I am acting “normal”. I am anxious of how I may look to the “other”. How I look like when you are staring in my eyes, how I look like when someone passes in the car down the street. Usually when there are people around me, or crowds, I constantly feel I’m being watched, to make sure that I am appearing normal, not FAKE. Do I look real? Do I look terrified- because you are saying a joke and I’m not getting it? Do I look guilty, when anyone asks me “How are you? What have you been up to?” Do I act like something is wrong within me??
This is my anxiety. It has grown within me and spread its webs. I fight to survive by defeating it, and years of battle and alliance have served me well so far.
I feel separated from my body. I am actually in two places at once, but I’m not in the place I am actually supposed to be. I am contained and trapped inside this body, and I can’t express myself and I don’t fully orgasm. I am also outside my body, looking at myself like a watcher; watching me like a guardian. In fact I feel the watcher when I am alone too but in a positive way. And I express myself ok when I’m alone. I don’t feel so trapped within myself.
There are of course phases of no anxiety and I feel whole and complete and full of myself and full of energy. One example was with the boys I fell in love with. I know who I am, who I really am, deeep inside. I know myself and I am begging you to set me free. I am awesome and very proud, to be who I really am inside. I know I will be again and for always. I am Aphrodite. I am Lilith. I am Ishtar. I am a goddess for LOVE, carnal pleasure, for marriage and family and the mother of all the children, perfection and innocence. I am a channel for creativity. I am art and I move with music. I am instinct. I am Sophia. I am Eve re-awakened.
I know exactly what is going to happen between us, honey. I know the sex and the توهان والضيعان that we’re going to live through. And it is exactly and simply, my wishes coming true, one after another in big dozes at once. I have already lived this life in my mind for years. I know how it all feels and what it all means. I have written it down, I have dreamed it at night. I created you and what will be happening to us both. And all of this is pushing me back unto unexpected walls. Thank you for being you.
Since I have met you, four days ago, you have managed to unlock a bunch of doors, some I didn’t even know where there. And I know what’s there behind these doors, and I will go inside each of them. I don’t have a fear about it. I do feel blessed and I am thankful that it is happening, so easily and smooth. After all, I only want the wisdom -to know myself deeper.
Perhaps it is the respect with which you adorn me, perhaps it is fate.
I write this for my own sake. This is truthful and is dedicated to you.
Do I begin with the beginning, or do I tell you conclusions without going into details? I’ll just go with the flow.
I want to write. That’s always the only way to start.
You need to know then understand why I am not surprised, or shocked to suddenly have you appear in front of me. And why I don’t feel the emotions that go with this, that could describe exactly how I feel. If you are my soulmate, wether or not I feel it, I know it could be true. I have been aware of your existence since I was little.…
