Even if it may seem we are here mentally all out of the blue, you know there are papers and notes from research all around my table.
A timeless moment from behind the veil,
I am aware of a simple encompassment,
the awake in a dream,
space-time unclear, and now is real,
at that moment when I'm aware of the dream.
YT comment: I have experienced 3 major consciousness awakenings, and they all happened when the sun flared. In general, when there’s a big sun flare I shift from being depressed to being very connected and hyper and busy researching or being creative. I get ‘downloads’ and experience paradigm shifts that redefine me. Is there anyone else out there?…
In the past three days my orgasms go up my body and last long. It’s so different from when the burst of sexual energy goes down and out; and although it is intense, the aftermath disgust is not worth the Beautiful openness and elevation, happiness and all that content.
Take the signs seriously. Nothing happens for no reason. Follow the signs. Go with the flow. Whenever something distracts you, don’t ignore it, concentrate on it!
Otherwise, you know that the nudging feeling will not go away, and you will miss out on something that should happen, or prolong the process of events, or entirely taking its chance out and derailing.…
“My brain is only a receiver, in the Universe there is a core from which we obtain knowledge, strength and inspiration. I have not penetrated into the secrets of this core, but I know that it exists.” — Nikola Tesla
I survived.
I won’t be depressed that it is over.
I have been taught,
I have been handed a hat of tricks and a bag of tips.
I’ve re-experienced multidimensional critical understanding;
and I have many things to think over.
The road is cleared and wide open.
The path branches everywhere.
I am right here now;
and I will be everywhere simultaneously.
Thank you for your patience, #Ilham. I’ve grown again.…
Between the folds of darkness and light
Sound is spawning life.
Invisible skies clench my mind
They know I refuse to let go.
Expected mystery, stars start falling
But I can’t catch them all.
I let it go and it catches me,
We hover through Time as one.
Far fetched promises seeking my soul,
The lost and promised paradise.
not a soul spoke. not a soul spoke. not a soul spoke.
There is no other
there is no other but me in this whole world
i am alone
i think of only me
i listen to my thoughts and that alone
i log everything my host experiences,
physically, emotionally
i do not separate the three
my thoughts control my emotions and my body
a thought creates possibilities consciousness created itself to experience it self
cannot be in harmony with energy of the other without being whole first
collateral damage is not an option
“these wars they can’t be won,
do you want them to go on and on and on
why plot these states when there could be only one!
must we do what we are told
these wars can’t be won,
does anyone know or care how they’ve begun
they just promise to go on and on and on” — Muse
in this reality i cannot be
in my dreams i cannot be
it is only in a conscious dream i remember what i can achieve
not a god given right to lucid by default
unaware of the power of subconscious dream
can’t express my mind and soul using mere language
psychedelics help knock down walls in my conscious
not only do i want what others successfully achieve when activating their consciousness
i also want the harder to achieve reward
to tap into my subconsciousness
i want to play level 1 and 2 at the same time
but i’m repeating the same level i just want the truth
who am i
and why am i here
what is this life for
what is reality
what is real reality
what came first
and what made one into two
how did the unknown realize to know
how does the womb create life
how does consciousness happen
subconsciousness communicated directly with consciousness
the result of a high charge of self-awareness
filling me with bliss and acceptance
consciousness injected with the elixir of life
touched by divine intervention
evolution
game of life on pause
now is time out
space, open up new universes
show me secret bonus levels
wisdom experienced with senses, humbling
magnified self awareness
and the thirst to know more
to know everything
energy surplussing all over me
washing me
dimensions change
frequencies change
the other disappears
not a single fear or worry
the other is me
knowing myself
in love with what i am
the only safe place i know
the mirror talks back
whispers in my mind
i see wisdom in how things work
i know why they are.
cause my mind is a radio
i hear all the station together at once
torrents of information downloading
ideas and thoughts flood my consciousness
nothing lost, nothing forgotten
nothing skipped nothing confused
communication, networks
proposing existential questions,
because my life depends on it
brain racing
level after level, more is activated
busy thoughts creating explanations
bare and deliver orgasmic reactions
spectrum of pleasurable probabilities
universes upon universes of possibilities
i am present in each one
i skip from a fairytale to another one
spreading the wholeness illuminating within
every thought is written down
songs, for unspeakable thoughts
camera confessions
psychoanalysis
diagnosing state of progress
being everywhere all the time
willingly, hopefully
reporting to play roles of mother, daughter, wife, business owner,
the new hot thing in town.
there is this one idea
right in the center of my mind
i saw a good glimpse of it months and months ago
but now i have forgotten how
to reach the center of the maze
so instead
i burnt the books
then i burnt the earth underneath
and installed mirrors
on every corner
of my dark mind
what i got is a kaleidoscope
the mother of all kaleidoscopes
something that i used to know
something that i saw
something that should and will be again
and blind the universe
It was easy to be creative , all my life. It took nothing to imagine anything; with eyes open or shut. And my dreams were a normal recurrence; vivid, a source of life and the foundation of the day.
#Awakening II
When I was 23 (2003) something happened. And because of it I was forcefully diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. And forcefully shoved heavy and expensive imagination/emotion killing medication . Daydreaming started a declination. Until it ceased . But the night dreams remained as a reminder not to forget; taunting my hopelessness, bastards.
I stopped taking the pills 5 years ago. It took 4 years and half to start recovering from the numbness . Well, on some level at least.
I still consider myself emotionally disabled, but something did happen. And for the second time I go through the cosmic machine, but this time it was only an awakening to the fact that: I will recover, that I can start to go on and back to finish what I started, 8 years ago (2012).
#Awakening II
This is what happened in April 2012 . I was teased, in the beginning. I was teased with emotion on a grand scale! I felt things, saw stuff , and creativity was a flood - drowning the wastelands of the hatred and fear in my mind, body and heart.
I’ll call it magic. And it intertwined with my subconsciousness, which was new. Which I rode, hard.
I had tens of thoughts, songs, visions and realizations happening- at the very same time! Literally, not a metaphor. Not an exaggeration.
And I consciously felt this phenomenon and marveled how my mind could work so flexibly like this.
I can have separate thoughts running at the same time like computers run scripts simultaneously. And I had the awareness of this; which created another train of thought. None collide. And non were bothered by the other . All using the same energy, and coexisting happily.
#MagicMusicJam
I could sing 3 completely different songs in my mind, at the same time! Not a note was missed, or jammed, or misplayed.
A mainstream pop song, a Muse song, and a russian kids song, all playing in my head at the same time.
As I washed my hands and looked into the mirror, I saw a face that broke into hysterical bliss.
I remember enjoying this power, this new magic. And I was bragging to the whole world- by looking back at my reflection.
My own music, which restarted after an 8 year-abyss, was out of my control. Ideas just came from the nowhere , and posed themselves for me to pick at . I was not needed to do anything. I didn’t even need to listen. I wasn’t even concentrating. My mind was alive- on it’s own. And sometimes, it felt like I had nothing to do with it at all. I merely enjoyed it, and let my existence roam free.
And, suddenly I am writing again. The ideas that came to my mind were all related to quantum physics one way or the other. QP, which I had no knowledge of before, certainly a thing I thought was too impossible for me to understand, or have patience to read about.
The ideas rushing into my physical reality were unstoppable. I had no doubt in my mind that it was not of this world. No, not of this linear 3D, predictive and normally normal world.
Thousands of ideas , and my mind would have no trouble organizing all the information, and absolutely have no problem understanding it!
I experienced it first, and then found out that all of these topics were what scientists from the dawn of time have been spending their lifetimes thinking about. I saw where they were correct, and where they were mistaken, and what they have not yet considered.
The flow would go on nonstop everyday, day and night. I would go to bed still ‘getting’ the information. It was like a separate entity all on its own. I can’t control it in anyway and I would go to bed with all this, and be super happy and relaxed.
I fall asleep before I realize it. Insomnia, a life long foe disappeared. And when I wake up in the morning, I am uncharacteristically Fresh and awake and happy; I can’t wait to live.
But the most fantastic part was, that as my body would rise from the bed and awake, I would actually wake up ( after I have started sitting up, mid way). Like something was moving my body to rise, and I would realize that moments after. And then open my eyes.
It was like someone was helping me get up. Something that I have needed all my life; the will to live, and the energy to actually do it.
But wait! The most, most fantastic thing was that I heard myself thinking… Or rather, I heard the ideas, the same ones from the night before go on as I wake up. As if I never stopped debating myself and getting information.
I kept repeating that my body has had the best sleep of it’s life: night after night! But my mind has not shut up for a second. I absolutely have no control over it. and I would wake with these amazing, intuitive, familiar yet brand new ideas and theories. About what I am, what the world is, and how it all connects. Souls and energy, and magical infinite universe type ideas. One person (#Rlf) kept telling me to my amusement, that he never saw anyone’s mind work “so hard , so fast and non stop”.
#AntiClimax
I was following the #signs, and they led me to go to Roma. But, instead of a grand finale, I got nothing and lost everything.
Suddenly, everything ceased. Completely. For months. The free ideas, the creativity, the dreams. Even my own dreams were taken away. I was jilted, and I was screaming at the top of my lungs: what am I supposed to do with all this information!
Later on, I would curse this and wish that the knowledge went away as everything else did. Because ever since, my prospective on everything shifted, and I couldn’t possibly function, or even live willingly in this reality.
Everything clashed with what I came to know, horrible confrontation with what was actually being active around me.
These were very bad times. Lots of anger and lots of questions. See, I had these answers, but I did not know where they belonged.
However, some nights, very very few and apart, I started seeing dreams again. But I always repeated this in the morning: whose dream was that?
Sometimes the dream was actually mine, familiar. But I wasn’t a part of it.
There was a clear as day disconnection, confusion and a feeling of something else out there that is new and unfamiliar. Maybe someone watching, or maybe just me not being myself- anymore, at all. That even I don’t recognise myself in my dreams.
When those stranger’s dreams eventually stopped, I drowned in extreme worry and frustration. I was terrified and felt like I was being punished or abandoned by a part of me. A big part. The part which made it possible to continue on with this version of life. A version where I should play by someone else’s rules and believes.
During these months, I threw myself to the wolves and googled everything that I saw and heard (in my mind). One thing I must mention is I wished I was “psychotic” once. The meanest trick to pull on a self-proclaimed creative person is not once show them where the rabbit hole is.
So I googled, and built towers, only to knock them down and rebuild.
What is the truth? Where is it? Why does it matter anyway? Why me? Am I wasting my time? Am I inducing insanity?
Well then.. At least make me SEE something..
And so, the last couple of weeks I have been feeling that there is nothing left for me to do.
There’s nothing new for me to check out. I have had my fill. I go with intuition to sort true from false. And time is ticking and tocking and nothing is happening. And all I want is out.
And now, suddenly, I have a dream two nights ago. Finally. After all the months of idle calls, I dream of spaceships in the sky and war with the others and #packingtime.
The no fear, the resolved calm and the content. Going somewhere far better where harm is not a factor.
What I’ll explain is this, that that night I thought about what I would like to dream. I don’t know if I have tried this before, I must have.. For sure. But that night, I was different.. And so, I went with the evolution of flow. I thought of which dream I would really like to visit, the scariest one I know where I should be afraid, but won’t be. I thought of who I want to see: my family. And I imagined a few important scenes where I talk to them and explain to them in no words at all that it is time to go, and not to panic “you.. you must not, cause it’s fine, really”. Bending the will of my family and not be thought of as insane for it.
Now, while inside the dream, I seem to stand there, consciously remembering my own advice, on what to do and how to say it.
And I think it was towards the end of the next day when I sat down to write the dream, that I realised a bunch of stuff:
I had a dream, my own, and my favourite. It was me who made it happen.
And inside the dream, I was still connected to my consciousness and I could control the decisions and actions.
However, I was not aware that it I was dreaming. And the dream was vibrant and full HD ( and that is very important , not normal.)
Not only this, but last night, the very next night, I had another dream. But this time I did not dream what I asked for. It was a surprise, really; a gift of sorts.
I had a brand new , newly designed dream involving the only guy in my past which I have pleasure seeing in my dreams (#EM). And the strangeness of the dream was simply because: it was a happy one.
I got to live a very long day with someone that I think I love. The only one who I think I love in a fantasy world , where our relationship actually works, and we don’t end up burning our bed. The emotions in the dream were more real than any emotion I have had while awake- for maybe a decade. What’s more, the dream made complete sense. No crazy dream shit was interrupting the flow, and that made it surreal and familiar. It went on and on, and I would awake and fall back asleep only to create a new scene in the same dream. Which is a wish come true! To be able to continue a dream . Total control on a whole different level. However, the control was not from within, but from with-out..
It used to be easy, to be creative; All my life. It took nothing to imagine anything, With eyes open or shut. Dreams were a normal reoccurrence, vivid, and a source of life, the foundation of the day.
When I was 23 something happened, And because of it, I was abducted and diagnosed with bipolar disorder, forcefully shoved in me heavy expensive self-killing, dream-killing pills. Daydreaming started its declination, Until it ceased.…
Maybe it was to have a good & evil cut. One soul mate would strive and achieve a life of love and goodness, while the other part is doing the same but in the opposite direction. When both reach the ultimate achievement of the Self, they meet, again, reunite and get a step closer to eternal reunion.…
I was riding a high tide of inspiration and creativity. I couldn’t stop writing and creating. The minute I stopped to research the characters and the stories behind them, the high died down. Now it feels tedious and hard work to concentrate. I started writing again, I had one idea, and I only wrote a couple of lines and gave up. I am forcing it out. And this is not healthy or right or fair for the characters.…
little princess your blessed bi-psyche we envy you but you have enraged us letting them wake you up intoxicating you with the drug of reality remember being omniscient? don’t you miss it? we do..…
…
