#WritingJournal: Pre Awakening I

I was riding a high tide of inspiration and creativity. I couldn’t stop writing and creating. The minute I stopped to research the characters and the stories behind them, the high died down. Now it feels tedious and hard work to concentrate. I started writing again, I had one idea, and I only wrote a couple of lines and gave up. I am forcing it out. And this is not healthy or right or fair for the characters.

 

The research about Adam, though only in passing while researching Lilith, rendered Adam to an outcast from my creative mind. I want Adam to be edward, and so much more. But I don’t like him much anymore. I started writing about his fall to the underworld, from first person perspective, and it felt forced, and he did not want to talk to me and tell me how it feels and what he sees. I abandoned him. Turned to a new page and started thinking about Lilith. It was a bit difficult in the beginning, but the thought came, and I started writing it down, and things progressed and I was riding again, although slower. But I was distracted a couple of times by mama and her photo dnia. And I lost it.

 

Maybe it started yesterday, when I stopped and started organizing my notes into Scrivener which I like and will buy. But then the last thing I did before signing off was panic and torment myself because I suddenly found a huge loophole in the core of the story. And I was inspired to reach the answer, I was living the novel. But today, I spent it all in research, and I felt like the creativity or maybe the need faded slowly. I decided that when uu goes to bed, I will write and stop researching. Because I feel that researching kills my ideas and my characters and I have to change them as I go along the reading. But maybe this is the problem. I should research. I should just write down Everything I can and have. And when I find myself that I am out of ideas, research will help develop new ones, and fix the hole and bad ideas in what I have already written. Yes this is it. I mean I was planning to order and read a bunch of books to get all the facts I need right, stupid ideas to remove, and get inspired by things I missed or didn’t know. But this is clearly the wrong way to go about it. And I think what I am doing now is the right thing. This is a writing journal. And I need to keep it up when I feel in between or at the end of my creativity. Because writing just pours out and gets my brain working. And as I write, I realize things, things I need to know, to know how to keep writing and fix any problems I may encounter.

 

And besides, my deepest worry, or even fear, is that what always happens, will happen this time. I start high, and then I get lost or give up or bored or distracted permanently with other things, that I always leave everything unfinished. When did I ever finish anything? And I think this is why I used to write poems, or short stories, because the risk of that happening is smaller than embarking on a huge project like this.

 

Which it didn’t start of to be by the way. I read Twilight in a week, and I was so inspired by it and at the same time disappointed with it. I even did something that I never done before, apart from one film I saw a few years back. I started foruming twilight, and when I didn’t find what I was looking for, I started my own thread, on 2 sites! I wanted to write a few lines explaining what bothered me, but ended up on a very high role, it turned out as an essay, with analysis and what ifs. I loved doing that. And I miss doing that. And it is part of who I used to be. So when I found that I am not getting instant responses to my comments, even till now, 5 days later. I thought I will write a story, about edward and bella, but change the vampire thing into incubus. I did, and I loved writing the sexy bits. I listened to the right music and kept writing. It was intended to be a short story maybe, and only concentrating on the visits more or less. Then I remember suddenly that I have my own personal experience with this, and things just snowballed from there. And I ended up somehow, unintentionally linking to all my interests and desires to search. Adam and Eve and the whole thing. But I am still unsure if I want my personal experience in this to be put down on the page in front of my eyes.

 

So now, suddenly, somehow, characters appeared to me, and told me who they are and what they want to happen. This is the right way. Ended up being a complete novel idea, played with the idea of making of it a series.

But the moment I paused the characters’ movements, and started researching them, Everything stopped. As if they are angry with me. As if I betrayed them. As if they want to be the ones to tell me who they are and what happened and what should happen next. I killed them. Silenced them in order to get my facts straight. Although I never intended to stick purely to facts. Just to know all the theories that surround them, and the options that exist, and pick out what I feel is right.

And this is cheating!! I am cheating, instead of listening to my muses, I started reading other people’s ideas. And this stopped the process. So what I should have done, again, is to just keep riding the tide as far as it can go. Maybe even if I was lucky, till the very end. And I know that it will be a rough draft, a very very rough one. And that I needed to fix all the holes and problems that occur. This is when research should step in, and it fills out the holes, fixes the broken links, polishes the characters and I will end up with the right thing.

 

It is not like writing an essay about a book I read for university. First reading the book. Then researching the analysis and the comments, which inspire me to see what was obviously there but I missed because I am lazy or dumb, and then all of the criticism I find that will fashion my own idea, and I will start writing the essay or the thesis.

 

This is not like that. The first step is missing. I should write the book. Then read it. Then research it. Then come back with a better formed opinion and review what I have written and fix it.

Ok, so what should I do now? I will stop the research and fill the category of ‘holes and reminders’ up. This will help me lead the research when I am done so I don’t forget anything I encounter while writing. Like keeping a policeman checking my moves and ideas and writing down what I am doing wrong or am hesitant about.

 

I should read all the notes again which I wrote without the research. Read the scenes I have written so far. Listen to the appropriate inspiring music. And see how it goes from there. Hoping that my characters will come to life again and tell me all they need me to say for them.

 

My children, you should help me so I can help you.

Help you come alive, and come out from the nothingness

and make you immortal. You will be.

I always knew that this is my calling. I promise you you will be immortalized.

Juliana.