Awakening II

It used to be easy, to be creative;
All my life.
It took nothing to imagine anything,
With eyes open or shut.
Dreams were a normal reoccurrence, vivid, and a source of life, the foundation of the day.

When I was 23 something happened,
And because of it, I was abducted and diagnosed with bipolar disorder,
forcefully shoved in me heavy expensive self-killing, dream-killing pills.
Daydreaming started its declination,
Until it ceased.

But the night dreams remained as a reminder to not forget,
Taunting my hopelessness, bastards.
I stopped taking the pills 5 years ago,
& it took 4 years and half to start recovering from the numbness.
Well, on some level at least.

I still consider myself emotionally disabled.
But something did happen,
And for the second time I go through a cosmic machine
But this time it was only an awakening to the fact that I will recover,
That I can start to go on and back
So to finish what I started
8 years ago

This is what happened in April 2012
I was teased,
In the beginning, I was teased with emotion on a grand scale.
I felt things, saw stuff
And creativity was a flood
Drowning the wastelands of hate and fear in my mind, body and soul.
I’ll call it magic
And it intertwined with my subconsciousness,
Which was new,
Which I rode hard.
I had tens of thoughts,
Songs, visions
And realisations happening at the very same time.
Literally. this is not a metaphor. This is not exaggeration.
And I consciously felt this phenomenon
And marveled at how my mind can do this
I can have separate thoughts running at the same time
Plus I have the awareness of this
Which created yet another train of thought
And none collided,
And non were bothered by the other
All using the same energy and coexisting happily
I could sing 3 completely different songs in my mind.
At the same time.
Not a note was missed, jammed or mis-played.
A mainstream pop song, a muse song, and a Russian kids song
All playing in my head at the same time.
As I washed my hands and looked into the mirror
I saw a face that broke into hysterical bliss.
I remember enjoying this new power, this new magic and I was bragging to the whole world, by looking at my reflection.
My own music, which I restarted after an 8-year abyss,
Was out of my control.
Ideas just came from nowhere
And presented themselves
I was not needed to do anything
I didn’t even need to listen.
I wasn’t even concentrating on them.
Like my mind was alive on it’s own,
And sometimes it felt like I have nothing to do with it.
Just enjoy it and let it roam free.
And suddenly I am writing again,
Reconnecting with many many people I once gave the time of the day
I was so open it was unreal.
But anyway, the ideas that came to my mind,
Were all related to quantum physics
One way or the other.
Q.p. which I had no knowledge of before,
And certainly a thing which is too impossible for me to understand,
Or even have the patience to read about.
I had to google what quantum physics is.
I want to write a separate post about this. So i’ll move on,
The ideas rushing into my physical reality were unstoppable.
I had no doubt in my mind that it was not of this world
No, not of this linear 3d, predictive and normally normal world.
Thousands of ideas
And my mind
Would have no trouble organising all the information
And absolutely
Have no problem understanding it
I experienced it first,
And then found out that all the these topics
Were what scientists from the dawn of time
Been spending their lifetimes thinking about.
I saw where they were correct,
Where they were mistaken,
And what they have not yet considered.
The flow would go on nonstop everyday, day and night.
I would go to bed stilling “getting” the information.
It was like a separate entity
All on its own.
I can’t control it in any way
And I would go to bed with all this
And be super happy and relaxed.
I fall asleep before I realise..
Insomnia, by life long foe, disappeared.
And when I wake up in the morning
I am uncharacteristically fresh
And awake
And happy.
I can’t wait to live.
But the most fantastic part was,
That as my body would rise
From the bed and awake,
I would actually wake up then…
After I have started sitting up, mid way.
Like something was moving my body to rise,
And I would realise that moments after,
And then open my eyes.
It was like someone was helping me get up.
Something that I have needed all my life,
The will to live, and the energy to actually do it.
But wait,
The most most fantastic thing was that
I heard myself thinking…
Or I heard the ideas,
The same ones from the night before,
Go on as I wake up.
As if I never stopped debating myself and getting information
I kept repeating this, saying that my body has had the best sleep of its life, night after night, but my mind has not shut up for a second. I absolutely have no control over it. and I would wake with these amazing, intuitive, familiar yet brand new ideas and theories, about what I am, what the world is, and how it connects.
Souls and energy and magical, infinite universe ideas.
Ralph was amazed, astonished,
bowing in worship to me.
kept telling me, to my amusement, that he never saw anyone’s mind work so hard,

So fast
And nonstop
I was following the signs,
And they led me to Roma
But instead of a grand finale,
I got nothing.
And lost everything.
Suddenly, everything ceased. Completely. for months.
The free ideas,
The creativity,
The dreams.
Even my own dreams
Were taken away
I was jilted, and I was screaming at the top of my lungs:
What am I supposed to do with all this information
Later on, I would curse this
And wish that the knowledge went away
As everything else did.
Because ever since,
My perspective on everything shifted,
And I couldn’t possibly function,
Or even live willingly in this reality.
Everything clashed with what I came to know,
Horrible confrontation with what was actually being active around me.
These were very bad times.
Lots of anger and lots of questions.
See I had these answers, but I did not know where they belonged.
However, some nights,
Very very few and apart,
I started seeing dreams again.
But I always repeated this in the morning: whose dream was that?
Sometimes the dream was actually mine. Familiar.
But I wasn’t a part of it.
There was a clear as day disconnection,
Confusion
And a feeling of something else out there that is new and unfamiliar. Maybe someone watching,
Or maybe just me not being myself, anymore, at all.
That even I don’t recognise myself in my dream..
When even those strange dreams stopped,
I drowned in extreme worry and frustration.
I was terrified and felt like I was being punished
Or abandoned by a part of me.
A big part.
The part which made it possible to continue..
On with this version of life.
A version where I should play by someone else’s rules and believes.
During these months, I threw myself to the wolves and googled everything that I saw and heard (metaphorically speaking).
One thing I must mention,
I wish I was “psychotic” once.
The meanest trick to pull on a self-proclaimed creative person is not once show them where the rabbit hole is.
So I googled and built towers,
Only to knock them down and rebuild.
What is the truth, where is it.
Why does it matter anyway
Why me
Am I wasting my time
Am I inducing insanity
Well then at least make me see something..
And so,
The last couple of weeks,
I have been feeling
That there is nothing
Left for me to do.
There’s nothing new for me to check out.
I have had my fill.
I go with intuition to sort true from false.
And time is ticking and tocking and nothing is happening.
And all I want is out.
And now,
Suddenly,

I have a dream, two nights ago.
Finally.
After all the months of an idle call
I dream of spaceships in the sky and war with others and packing time.
The no fear,
The resolved calm
And the content.
Going somewhere far better
Where harm is not a factor
I’ll post this dream separately. And all the other versions as well.
But what I’ll explain is this,
That that night
I thought about what I would like to dream.
I don’t know if I have tried this before,
Must have..
For sure,
But that night, I was different..
And so I went with the evolution of flow.
I thought of which dream I would really like to visit,
The scariest one I know,
Apocalypse.
Where I should be afraid,
But am not..
I thought of who I want to see,
My family..
And imagined a few important scenes
Where I talk to them
And explain to them
In no words at all that it is time to go,
And not to panic you..
You must not,
Cause it’s fine, really.
Bending the control of my family
And not be thought insane for it
Now while inside the dream,
I seem to stand there, consciously
Remembering my own advice,
On what to do and how to say it.
And I think it was towards the end of the next day
When I sat down to write the dream
That I realised a bunch of stuff:

I had a dream,
My own
And my favourite,
It was me who made it happen,
And inside the dream, I was still connected to my consciousness
And I could control the.. decisions and actions.
However,
I was not aware that I was dreaming.
And the dream was vibrant and full hd.
And that is very important
Not normal

Not only this,
But the last night,
The very next night,
I had another dream.
But this time I did not dream what I asked for.
It was a surprise really. A gift of sorts.
I had a brand new
Newly designed dream
Involving the only guy in my past
Which I have pleasure in seeing in my dreams.
And the strangeness of the dream was simply because
It was a happy one.
I got to live a very long day with someone I think I love,
The only one who I think I love
In a fantasy world
Where our relationship actually works,
And we don’t end up burning our bed.

The emotions in the dream were more real
Than any emotion I have had while awake,
For maybe a decade.
What’s more,
The dream made complete sense,
No crazy dream shit was interrupting the flow,
And that made it surreal
And familiar.

It went on and on,
And I would awake and fall back asleep
Only to create a new scene in the same dream.
Which is a wish come true,

To be able to continue a dream
The total control on a whole different level.

However, the control was not from within,
But from with-out..

What are dreams made for?

Awakening II

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