We met a year and a half from our meeting. As the twenty-minute conversation between us ended and you left me to smoke watching you go, the narrator narrated: “and there goes her soulmate, whom she’ll never see again”. I brushed it of to continue the beginning of the ending.
The pattern, the cycle remains again as I long to fall for what I’m seeing and allow my poor heart the feeling.
My eyes searching, there it is there, looking back at me seemingly understanding this. But again, is it what it seems to be. Why fail now.
Am I seeing too much have I let myself expose my naked soul. It’s his fault for asking the right questions I want to answer him. Why the touch that affirms the look, the word that satisfies my mind. Why the question remains, why isn’t he into this.
Why fail. Lacrimosa my space. Is he my place to enter, Yet again another reflector Gallant and chivalrous knight Painting paragraphs into the scenes If only you were real.
I don’t want to wait for another lifetime. This story has no ending My hell is my fantasy Wanna be your fantasy Soul collector soul connector Set him free let him set me free
I wrote a song. I felt it. As much as I could, I did. Did you hear me. In my dream I can feel you’re so real I wish you could’ve stayed But you bring me back down to earth Someone up there forgot all about me. Asked me to dance. Abandoned my hand. I know I should wait for You to rise the sun, But the night eats me alive. Won’t survive till sunrise.
Could this be happening? because it is. Right now a One is two who’ve just met. Thank you for tonight, sweet dreams madam.
Could this be happening? Because it is. Safe in it’s ongoing stability. Like the dream of him, he cherishes. Sigh.
But could this be happening? How could two misunderstand that both feel the same.
Into what shape will it form.. at least it’s an enlightenment in two. Reality matrix and Mattis Blom and I. Shall we do it? I will.
#Log:
How could two people misunderstand that each of them feels the same way about the other? Last night, second night that it was, we spent it outdoors again, picnic style. But, nearing the end for a moment, there was a misunderstanding loop going between us. It happened when I asked him about his first text to me, when he said it is not a date, when now obviously, it became. In his attempts to answer, with his not 100% English, and the smoking we did, I misunderstand him and what he’s trying to say. I think that actually he was reitterating this is not a date.
So, then, I’m spending this morning and the afternoon feeling really bad, sad and down, hurt crying that I am not wanted by the one I want. However, apparently, him too. Apparently, we both had a terrible hard day, mourning a love unrequited. Both confused whether the other likes them.
Turned out, he likes me a lot. Not only that, but also, he thought that I — I did not want him.. nor was I interested in having a relationship with him more than friends.
He appears to have been chasing me all this time from the beginning. I appear to have been giving out the vibe that made him realise that it’s me he wants. He explains himself, that the prospect of falling in love with me overwhelmed him and his expectations. That our meetings have indeed been turning into flirty dates all on their own. He chooses to be with me, and proceeds to open his heart and his life to me.
I didn’t expect this. I really did not fantasise this outcome. It happened when at 5 pm he sends a text, with some excuse to see him.. now. 5 minutes later, downstairs, in front of my house, he says no, that he didn’t come just for the couple of cigarettes to take from me; it was an excuse to see me, cause he had to see me. He knew that I have misunderstood him last night, and he’s had a hard time since. And so you see, both of our bad day ended when he decided to see me, spontaneously like that. It was five pm. I rose from my bed where I crashed moments before in a surrendered protest of unrequited love.
We had a wonderful third night together, spent it hanging out with his friend in a garden about music and the world. Seeing him with his friend, and him seeing me engaging progressed our new relationship in a good way.
We talk about projects or things we want to make together, and plan next weekend, maybe a party or relaxing in the summer house to star gaze. It could be good things every day. Could happen, really could if only if.. And I could trust him, and I could see where it is going.
I had those dreams about him the other night where we are one, and our relationship is one of cherishing. In reality he’s seeming to be that. He seems to be the same in reality. It seems I cloud trust to try.
A very long awaited touch from- yeah, this is not what I wanted to say.
I feel like I’m floating, like I’m in love, but with a stranger that I know very well. The soulmate in my head, the stranger. He has no face. And the love that I feel for him is like a breath that you take when you have been not able to breathe. I opened.. I feel like this breath opens me up to encompass the world within. Very light. I feel light and bright and high. Innocence and purity, optimism and faith mixed up together.
I felt this just now in an orgasm. And the type of stuff I’ve been watching the last couple of days is what I yearn and long for: couples in love. And I psychologically observe him more than her and how they- he communicates with the object of his love. The object of his love. Object, objectification and projection. Thinking also about that stuff.
I just wanted to say that: How come? I had that orgasm. I said, I felt: how much I’m in love with you. I was directing this feeling and question, this thought that is encompassing the whole world to my, my person, to my man; but I was directing it to the inner insides of my head. That’s where he is and always has been. And I’m and how can I be so in love, How can that breath be So liberating when nothing in life does that? (laugh)
It’s kind of enough for me. That’s why I feel this gratitude. Well, at least that. I know that the feeling exists because I seem to generate it on my own, and project it into this male character, that I want to find, that I’m building.
How can I be so in love? Oh, at the end of the day I’m in love with my own self, but this is not where I wanted to go; that’s way too deep. And I want to disclude my own solves and project into this male character. Trying to find him outside in the world, and projecting, assuming that I’m gonna find it.
To revisit a few weeks ago, months ago, maybe now, when I declare to myself that I have to stop minimising my chances at relationships because they are not my soulmate. I haven’t had opportunities since to meet anybody. But one thing did change, and it’s that I do not want to speak the word Soulmate, and connote all the baggage that comes behind it. I’ve been using it since I was little, maybe 13 years old. When ever, I heard that term firstI used it, and it’s very, it’s, it’s a very specific person. It’s a very specific scenario, a very specific story and play that I’ve been projecting throughout all of these years on the men, and learning how to not to, and then deciding to discard that character altogether and try to build anew, which is, I mean, I’m beyond accepting of that is the way it is. This is how I am programmed, that I want this, and I know what I want. So I just want to اجرد المعنى من كل الكلمات. I just simplified it into my person instead of my soulmate. My person. I did that on Tinder. I deleted all text on my profile and wrote “looking for my person”. To include people who are not my soulmate but are enough to be my person–
I don’t wanna project on them my divine image of what I want. The reason why I don’t want to is because apparently that’s, uh, not how it works in this game and this matrix and it backfires. And you need all of your life to understand how to avoid the backfire. And it’s really hard. So what you do is you go within- I go within and I try to–
That feeling that I had. I was watching people in love and, and the way that they are together and really projecting myself on them, just living through them, that’s what porn is for me. I find my favourites and have them on hand; lovely couples, amazing guys, one in particular. Makes me feel connected with this thing that I want, this character, this soul, this person through porn.
So when I was coming, I had an amazing orgasm, which I’m grateful for. But not only that just pregnant with emotion. It was amazing, just kept on going and. I had feelings, my own feeling, just like an orgasm is a physical thing and I’m feeling it in my body physically, I am also experiencing an onset of deep emotion of, of the feeling of being in love with a specific being, a person that is in my head. And I said out loud “how can I feel so much love for you?”. I mean, how, how is it possible? You are not fucking real. And then I go off and try to find that feeling with, with men, you know! Fucking hell.
I was watching something, trying to watch something about projection in a much more complicated, deeper sense that the dictionary definition. There were a couple of things that were interesting. One of them I had to write down, which is something Jung said. Apparently, you have to ask yourself is this your shadow or is it an archetype? That is actually an important lens, because then you have to treat it differently.
If I wanna use this in today’s example, which is this man in my hand, who doesn’t even have a name. If I want to internalise it, then this is about me. I have this shadow of self that has been with me since childhood, growing with me, adapting with me. Sometimes I’m confronting it and hating it. Sometimes I am amazed how much I’m in love with it. This shadow self which is all of my drama with human beings, friends, then boys and relationships and marriage, fathers, women and everything all together. What I want from a relationship, how I was treated and my mechanism of self defences that I have been shadow-working on all this time.
But the thing is I have reached a مطب years ago when I realised hence I decided to accept it , that it is not a- it is a ‘program’- the simplest way for me to say it. It’s not a shadow that I can suddenly change and start behaving completely differently with men and relationships, in other words lower my standard expectations just to be with anyone. that is not a possibility that’s gonna happen. It’s gonna be me alone or him with me. I don’t want something in the middle.
So when I say program- My whole book and the characters over there, the soulmates, Adam and Eve, Lucifer.. Obviously Archetypes, archetypes لهدرجه. So It’s not just because I am an individual from this clan في هذا الزمكان, why she was like this or her personality like that, her shadows, why she was like that in relationships, and why she died alone. Aw, fuck you. No, no, she didn’t die alone. She just disappeared into the unknown. Um, I don’t know.
But, literally, he is an archetype that is outside of this world in a space ship, waiting for me. And he’s many things throughout history. He’s an archetype. Most definitely that became part of my shadow, but it’s not the shadow that connected me with some archetype in the universal library of meaning.
Feelings, meanings, words. First you have the feeling, then you give it a meaning, and then you attribute it with words to communicate it either with yourself or others. So it’s like a breakdown lost in translation of the initial amazing, powerful thing which is the emotion, which just- I mean, you can generate emotion. But Emotion, it comes and when it comes, it’s like a lightning bolt, an explosion and an implosion at the same time of something you cannot stop. You cannot stop a panic attack. You know, that’s an extreme thing. You cannot stop hysteria, you cannot. That’s also an extreme.
It was a long dream of a life with episodes and scenes all over. But you were there and the only thing I want to remember. You were MK from ANS, and you use this avatar to show me you are here with me and all around me. You move with my body and kiss my neck at every turn. I move to feel you touch my love, to feel you, and I see you, hovering over me as we drink from each other’s love.
Have I been only in love with the Animus calling it soulmate? Doesn’t that make me then like everyone else? How have I achieved this level and what is it exactly anyhow?
Leaving the known world and entering the unknown part of the journey.
I walked a (very old wise man), in the streets of Amsterdam. His hunched back, smart winter attire, walking him back home, his life in my hands. He was composed and dying. He held my hand and I thought his trust in me is a cosmic test, that I tried to play along with, but couldn’t. I didn’t want to. I failed. I felt like a child. He was my mentor from the universe. I disappointed him. I didn’t care. I was too depressed, in shock.
this is from a dreamthis is a bad dream
On the couch, his traumatic moment of madness begins to boil out. Kneeling down in front of him, his absent-minded soulmate sees the horror of his pureness killed, he is utterly betrayed. She watches as his life unfolds right in front of her eyes, but she’s hovering silently outside her insides.
Until suddenly the hologram eyes appear. He piercingly stares, immediately, and deeply into her soul. But it’s not enough to bring her out. He then surrenders and displays vengeful regret, utter rejection; and then the look of total, painful disbelief of her unexpected failure to connect.
Lying on the bed, his hands reverently, feverently search for his necklace. He prays to the cosmos between sobs of shock. But he clearly sees her trying to transform into his soulmate.
She absentmindedly notices him grabbing the necklace and accepts the challenge without further thought. Awkwardly she dismounts him and goes to fetch her earings. She sits back on top of him and clumsily tries to force the earings on as he interjects: “No, don’t! Anything but the earrings..” his voice chokes into painful terrors, as if he’s saying enough is enough. But it was she who have had enough. Fine! And she stops trying to put the silly earrings on and toss them like a spoilt child to the wall.
I left him in his nightmarish sleep, and did an unusual thing. I walked in the new city alone. And smoked.
Shouldn’t take offense of what she said.
Come closer to her, instead.
But you left.
She held out her hand all night.
Will you jumpstart her trust.
You are it.
And you ran.
This isn’t a game.
Are you not it then?
Is she in this alone?
That’s dumb.…
It’s like I want to show myself that I can be in the now.
It’s fine! (For survivals sake). No more fear. But that’s another story..
So, as I focus my body & it acts as if it knew what was going on, the mind which is lagging behind; (trying to sort out and list the why’s of which are obstructing that easy as a dream harmony within, within the body and the mind.
And the Soul awakens and you can lucid.
What is it in the end?
A reality within a reality within another.
So what’s then another?..
A reality of the supposed Now that of which the mind should and must be aware of,
Apply the opposite of, so to be in the Now.
Because, instead, my mind is occupied with an alleged Now,
Creating a parallel universe where I am waiting to see a future
Which is not mine.
But that is the curious thing.
That somehow, the alleged future, is the secret subconscious dream, where I dare to romanticise my local. To dare and see my country prosper. Plan my life here. Come back to the same place I swore before to escape from; dreaming of a place to plan my life from/-for.
Oh and the story goes on! ..
To awaken (perhaps) to my true identity,
For my mission to find me.
To dare for all my sleeping dreams to come true?
For all the conspiracies I lean close to, to be true.
The hidden reality
& My preferred reality,
My local reality,
And my dream land to be real.
With the impending annihilation of a race,
With space ajar..
The good and the bad and the ugly.
Accept it. How could I?
So what is the problem right now?
..
I always vaguely remember the principals but I know that I understand them by heart.
(For they have become a part of me. Fundamental points in the strategy to spiritually survive.)
What is the problem Now?
My heart and mind pushes my body to remember that I am high, so I can do it, & write.
But my mind is hollow and alone.
I feel sick. I’m tired of doing this.
What I want Now is to be with man who makes me feel good.
I want to be in his arms.
I want his arms around me, wrapping me with his protection,
His loyal adoration.
His body heat so warm,
Penetrating my clothes and my skin.
I want to be hugged by his arms,
So masculine for me.
Muscles and strength
Shredding my thoughts and protecting me from them.
Warrior sheild.
And his sword brings me to close encounter with myself.
Fulfilment.
Sensual satisfaction.
So good, it’s delicious.
And my body moves without the mind interfering.
(The mind is (unfortunately) asleep).
Oh how good it feels when my skin feels itself as his body moves with mine.
There was once a situation where I couldn’t resolve my immediate desire, no matter what. The only thing I had left to do was- to give up. And because, there was no any-other there with me,
I had to give myself up to god. Not to the Gods, Ever since, a safe moment is a prayer I chant to myself, ‘My higher self saved my life.’
I don’t know what the situation was. I also feel that the situation doesn’t matter, in the end. What’s interesting most, is this: for one reason, or the other, my mind etches my spiritual monologues on its walls- at moments of clarity.
And why, does it do that instead of paint the emotion? Because emotions are scarce?–
I am quite sure the situation didn’t happen. But I also accept this fact that I hereby have evidence to prove it did.
At the very least I label it ‘memory’, and post it on my wall. It is beautiful. It will make perfect sense. What’s next..
Presence
With your presence- I labour to define, to grab a ghost, faint in form. I know exactly how you feel like, My shadow.. & where there’s no light, you are inside And your space interflows within mine, shines through me- Embraces my mute form— a form perfect to yours, Two from one mould.
My mind releases traces of movements coming by, The air around me enhanced, explicit, My ancient- insistent vibrations, Of memories, premonitions, wishful thinkings-
Of your presence moving, along side of mine.
Through a worn-out film, I almost see your ghost, Feel you stand there, behind me, In front.. Following me like the air, If I lay down, you lay,..
on top of me, or under my body, Longing for me, where ever I am.
To define a moment, as my body responds, To my invisible thoughts, in the back of my mind,…… I almost see you move, near my skin, almost touching me. I expect more, I pray more..
** *
Piano
I struggle to make the piano awaken and rise. A momentary fluctuation- I feel. I let it in.. I feel it here.. & there, Under my skin. I give it life,
Eroticism awakens, and nudges my sleeping soul, Senses heighten, My body slightly quivers. It feels like a slight touch, I say to me.
…I imagine your hand. I hear something, I look to my side,
And I see you in my mind, on the divine, cosmic screen.. You’re giving me the inspiration. I play the right notes.. And the piano unfolds a grand thought,..
Of your gentle thrusts.. Yes..
The energy you give me- guides my fingers, I try to make sound to the love we are making- Together,..
You guide me.. And I ride you.. Shhh.. It’s so slow …and always, All the way,
In & out— and deep, & Time is obsolete.
I can almost feel you. I can almost see..
As your warm hands, press my skin Holding me up, You are firm with me.. You gently grab my Life..
Raising me up, energising my coiled— thread You hold by my waste, I animate.. As I go up, .. And you,
pull me down, as you tenderly thrust.. Shhh..
The Presence, an aspect of you that I know.. – 10/25/13 11:59 PM / 4
It’s slow and we’re delirious. It’s dark and the stars are watching their own reflections. And they hear the piano rising with the coming rapture of light.. — And one moment, we succumb- Pausing the emotion.
We’re over the threshold,
We yield to sensation. Overcome by one another’s soliloquy, Entranced by our own sonatas.. My fingers leave the piano, As you hear it gasp it’s last note.. And as I hear the echo roll, Away then back unto me. I invite it in, The Energy, my gift to you. The moment of giving is the moment of receiving, As I come down As you thrust up, and we collide You’ll lock the key …. … .. Bringing paradise down to the ground, We slowly come down. And we sit still. Pushing our forms, inside one body.
Hard.. And deep So sweet.. The ecstasy!
..As I now rest my body and lean back on you, Disappearing into you. As both our hands, unchained from life,
Made the piano awaken and arise..
Eroticism (from the Greek ἔρως, eros—”desire”) is a quality that causes sexual feelings,1 as well as a philosophical contemplation concerning the aesthetics of sexual desire, sensuality and romantic love. That quality may be found in any form of artwork, including painting, sculpture, photography, drama, film, music or literature. It may also be found in advertising. The term may also refer to a state of sexual arousal1 or anticipation of such – an insistent sexual impulse, desire, or pattern of thoughts.…
