Elusiveness of Existance

Dear diary,

It’s like I want to show myself that I can be in the now.

It’s fine! (For survivals sake). No more fear. But that’s another story..

 

So, as I focus my body & it acts as if it knew what was going on, the mind which is lagging behind; (trying to sort out and list the why’s of which are obstructing that easy as a dream harmony within, within the body and the mind.

And the Soul awakens and you can lucid.

What is it in the end?

A reality within a reality within another.

So what’s then another?..

A reality of the supposed Now that of which the mind should and must be aware of,

Apply the opposite of, so to be in the Now.

Because, instead, my mind is occupied with an alleged Now,

Creating a parallel universe where I am waiting to see a future

Which is not mine.

But that is the curious thing.

That somehow, the alleged future, is the secret subconscious dream, where I dare to romanticise my local. To dare and see my country prosper. Plan my life here. Come back to the same place I swore before to escape from; dreaming of a place to plan my life from/-for.

 

Oh and the story goes on! ..

To awaken (perhaps) to my true identity,

For my mission to find me.

To dare for all my sleeping dreams to come true?

For all the conspiracies I lean close to, to be true.

The hidden reality

& My preferred reality,

My local reality,

And my dream land to be real.

With the impending annihilation of a race,

With space ajar..

The good and the bad and the ugly.

Accept it. How could I?

So what is the problem right now?

..

I always vaguely remember the principals but I know that I understand them by heart.

(For they have become a part of me. Fundamental points in the strategy to spiritually survive.)

What is the problem Now?

My heart and mind pushes my body to remember that I am high, so I can do it, & write.

But my mind is hollow and alone.

I feel sick. I’m tired of doing this.

What I want Now is to be with man who makes me feel good.

I want to be in his arms.

I want his arms around me, wrapping me with his protection,

His loyal adoration.

His body heat so warm,

Penetrating my clothes and my skin.

I want to be hugged by his arms,

So masculine for me.

Muscles and strength

Shredding my thoughts and protecting me from them.

Warrior sheild.

And his sword brings me to close encounter with myself.

Fulfilment.

Sensual satisfaction.

So good, it’s delicious.

And my body moves without the mind interfering.

(The mind is (unfortunately) asleep).

Oh how good it feels when my skin feels itself as his body moves with mine.

Delicious and divine.

I like it a lot.

I want it.

I want to have sex with you, ‘god’s slave’.