Letter to B: Imagination History

I write this for my own sake. This is truthful and is dedicated to you. 

Do I begin with the beginning, or do I tell you conclusions without going into details? I’ll just go with the flow.

I want to write. That’s always the only way to start.

You need to know then understand why I am not surprised, or shocked to suddenly have you appear in front of me. And why I don’t feel the emotions that go with this, that could describe exactly how I feel. If you are my soulmate, wether or not I feel it, I know it could be true. I have been aware of your existence since I was little.

I used to possess a precious, amazing superpower and it was imagination.  Anything I imagine, I could experience and feel. I lost the ability to do it the day I lost the ability to feel and that was when I took the medicine.

When I was a little girl, l didn’t have friends, I was bullied, and I was sexually abused by the gardener. I had no one to talk to. I believed the kids at school that I was a freak. But I had a world to escape to. That’s why I remember myself happy as a child.

Imagining was easy and second nature. I pretended I was someone else, and I pretended there were other people around me. I vividly imagined fun scenarios and nice friends to play with. I played for hours. It brought me pleasure and satisfaction.

When I was a teenager, every week I’d buy magazines and rip out the posters of hot music bands, stick them on the walls. I’d sit on my desk and imagine them hanging out with me. We talk, and laugh; they like me and I like them; and it all felt real.

When I was 13, I intensely fell in love with my first boyfriend. My innocent desires to love a real boy, in the real world, were understandably not allowed by my parents. So I projected the guys I fell in love with into my daydreams; imagining intricate, intimate scenes to express myself in and to set myself free.

When I was 16, I sat in front of the mirror and looked right though myself. I started lying to my reflection. I said to her things I didn’t believe were true; but I convinced her that it was truth. I kept repeating the words until they sank in. And she came out of the mirror and assumed my role as I faded into the background.

What I told her was that she is the most beautiful girl in the world. That she is the cleverest, confident. She is loved by all the boys and envied by all the girls. That she has perfect fingers and nails and hands and everything else.

Then I made a decision to move to a new school, and for the next two years I was popular, loved, and my nickname was ‘babe in black’.

When I finished school and went to university, I was feeling complete and ready. I realized that university life offers me a new world, a new set of parameters and bendable rules,  more freedom. So I pursued love and searched the real world. I started looking for my soulmate in every crowd. The ones I fell in love with had a concentration of a presence I thought was my soulmate. It attracted me as a moth to a flame. All of relationships ended with fire and my heart in pieces. And I healed myself by escaping into daydreams where all my wishes come true. I imagined different realities to continue love affairs with my soulmate. I built him up with what I needed him to be, and so he grew and changed with me as I matured.

I kept looking for him but it caused a great upheaval of destruction upon the world and my family. The damage I affected on them was great, but I didn’t have a care. I was focused on myself and searching for my mate. I broke my father’s, reinstated trust over and over again. The arguments and fights between us led me to run away from home many times. Until a time when my father stepped in and abducted me to a mental institution. There I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and I was forced medication. I was 22.

By the time I was 24, I completely lost the ability to imagine. The drugs killed me. They killed my identity, my creativity, my will to write, to express.
But above all, I lost the haven that I lived in. And for years I felt so damn exposed to the “real” world, with no where to run. I felt I was captured; that there is no freedom inside me anymore. It was terrifying to live in the real world. It gave me anxiety.

Until one day, when I completely ceased being who I am and transformed into a robot. I forgot about everything I want. I stopped. I became what the world and my family wanted me to be, a good girl.

I pulled my shit together, without thinking, without feelings. I forced myself to “live” in the real world. And I managed to graduate with good grades. I went on to do my masters, because my father planned it and drew me a bright future, including a PhD, success, respect and career. He led me every step of the way by hand, showing me everything good that life has to offer. He walked me all the way to Sweden and only left when I was safe and sound.

But in Sweden, separated from home and from my father, I started feeling obligated to him. I needed to prove to him my love and my gratitude. He has trusted and forgiven me at last. So, I got married; believing that this is what I should be doing next to make him proud of me; try being independent, having my own family, and give him a grandchild. I was wrong, he wasn’t proud. But I realized that only a while ago.

I stopped taking the medication in 2007 so I can get pregnant; something which I have been waiting to happen, for a long time. 
In 2009 I had Julie. I missed out on her birth, her life because I wasn’t myself.

2 years later, it was autumn 2011. Something happened within me all of a sudden. I got the whiffs of feelings, and creativity dawned on me like the long-awaited sunrise. I started remembering that I am someone else and not this. I started writing again, and it was a story emanating from inside of me. It was reaching out from me, trying to connect with the sky and the stars and the whole damn universe.

Early March of 2012, there was a huge solar flare, (X 5.4).
I had an existential shift, a spiritual awakening. The story evolved into a book about Adam, Lucifer, Eve, Lilith and God. And I watched it split into a set of five books, following different timelines throughout history and future. Then I stopped and dropped everything because I was freaking out. So I started researching what the fuck I am writing about, and my journey started. The first thing it killed was God. When I killed him, I broke down. I felt cheated, lied to, betrayed and I felt stupid. I felt alone, lonely, depressed, scared, and very very angry.

But after death comes rebirth, and I came out of it, bruised but determined to seek new knowledge. I started looking beyond god and I found a universe that works like a machine; a matrix of quantum rules which suggest that life is a fucking simulation.

In 2013 I realized that I can hack this world. So I divorced the husband I felt I didn’t know, and started my psychological journey to transform back unto myself. With each realization, I began understanding the book I’m writing and the gnawing need for me to do it. Every character was built by my evolutionary psychological process. I knew god, Lucifer, Adam, Lilith and Eve only after I started understanding myself and got a solid glimpse of who I really am.

The past 6 years since 2012 were strangely hard on my spirit. My mind is tremendously exhausted.  Finding out as much as I did in my search for TRUTH rendered me wanting nothing from life. Not even the primal desire to wait for my soulmate. I changed, If it happens, it happens.

I have been existentially exhausted with no end in sight. It has built me up and torn me down so many times. My belief system built up and torn down so many times. My identity of self broke to pieces and I rebuilt it on my own. I am only searching for more wisdom. I’m addicted.

The amazing journey I have been on has helped me learn how to identify and polish off the fake masks and protective skins. I relearn who I am, understand what is happening, and ultimately it helped me find my life purpose. 

I am the hero. I’ve been on my ‘hero’s journey’ for a while. I don’t wish a soulmate or for anything specific anymore. I wish for all my wishes to come true instead. If it happens, it does; if it doesn’t it won’t. All I know is he must be real. We are already together, if not in this reality then another life. His presence is real and he is my muse. He is an idea I manifested; no face, no name, no voice and no way to communicate with. In rare dreams I feel him and his immense presence. And he has the definitive shape of my frakin’ soulmate.

The evolution of my daydreams, the 7 dead years, the rebirth, the nightdreams -where I now hide, the experiences I’ve accumulated, all have shaped my soulmate.. in my heart, soul, body and mind.

I used to spend hours watching the sky and stars. I’d get lost inside my mind, listening to the inner monologues, questioning and analyzing everything I thought, talking directly to my soul, and talking openly to my own selves. Talk about the stars and the ufo that just passed by. How vastly awe-inspiring space is;  a world without border, terrifyingly infinite. Talk about how fucking angry I feel being stuck here by mere gravity. How I long to go back home, to my soulmate, to my starship where I am captain.
And I’d write these stories down and believe in them. They are my lifeline. They are mine, grounding me to reality. Because of them I have a will to continue working and to continue living, and learn more and grow more and make sure I do everything I can to help my future self who lives in space.
She is my highest form of self. My greatest potential. A god, my destiny, my afterlife, and my past. This is what I want when I die.

I can’t stare at the sky for more than a few minutes now. I don’t have a will to do stuff anymore. It’s hard to focus, to remember, to connect things, to talk with articulation. I haven’t been able to imagine one daydream since 2004. It is substituted now with nightdreams. I sleep to hide.

And I feel I have gained enough information, and I’m not very concerned with this inability to think clearly or link and analyze efficiently anymore. I feel like I have already succeeded enough in my mission and have already saved myself. I don’t need a savior anymore. If I can do this on my own, then I’ve saved my future as well and I can ascend to my ownself. I’m merely collecting all the pieces- that belong to me.

I am not a damsel in distress anymore. I don’t want to be a femme fatale any longer either.  I just want to be me, no filters. I don’t want to be the captain on the ship. I want to be co-pilot with my soulmate instead and go somewhere better together. Leave the world behind for others to play in. I want my invisible United Kingdom of One. I need to keep ridding myself of anxiety and self-consciousness.

Everything I do for others  is forced because everything is inconvenient to my purpose. I would rather sleep perchance to dream than be active in the outside world with them. I am disconnected from the world outside the walls of my sovereign kingdom. I don’t understand others. I don’t have time for their absurd style of life. I have a purpose, I am serious, I have work to do, I don’t want to be interrupted by the “real world” outside. Life is an inconvenience.

بديش اشي من اي حدا

Humans exist to experience the senses. Sex and porn and music and dance and song… Not being allowed to experience you will find a way though lying and cheating. It covers you with masks and double identities. The lack of freedom makes of you a caged animal. Animals have no fear of acting inappropriately. They do what is addictive to them. They are free, they are instinctual beings. 

I am in love with Cytheria the pornstar. The natural innocence of her body language has no trace of damned self-consciousness. She’s fucken real, divine. Her expression is the primal expression of self. It’s sacred. This is the basis of what humanity is. To feel the orgasms of bliss. I want to be myself.

I am not shocked or surprised that you are here.  I don’t want to escape anymore, but I don’t will to live either. I want you to take me and give me the will.

I have clarified different things to myself. I will continue with the flow because there’s no other choice for me. If you are mine, the one who will help me metamorph forwards to my highest potential, unlock all the doors inside, I in turn shall hold a great debt of gratitude, and full responsibility to help unlock you from the god-syndrome.

I want to keep doing exactly what I’m doing, now with you. I want to be together and see how efficiently we’ll live with eachother, to help eachother defeat monsters, work together and on eachother’s side. Talk for hours as time stands still. Satisfy, intensify, inspire each other mentally and emotionally and sexually and creatively.

A Team.

وجودك امر واقع. مش اشي بتمنى يا ريت حقيقة او يا ريت يكون متل ما بدي ياه. انا عم شوي شوي بفهم انو الخيال واقع، و اني لازم اصحى. عندي شعور بالخوف. خايفة ايش رح يصير إزا وقعت فيك. لانه حبي بدفع بقوة التسونامي، و انا ما عندي طاقة. إنت الشاحن؟

I feel safe in your hands, I trust you and I give myself to you.  I let you take me.