#familiarity

crying because suddenly remembered dream. rupert.
recurring again.

Familiarity.

I thought what we had between you and I, the familiarity and carefreeness, was out there.
With every one I chose to be with, it furthered away from me, from the world.

Until I started dreaming of you. And now I realised as I in the kitchen cried, as the kettle boiled, and dabbed the sudden bloody scar on my leg. I remember you, or the dream, or both at the same time. And I started to cry.

I have no one like you. No one to baby me.

I think of Mattias.
“I know you are the one for me..” looking out of the window in his kitchen before we left for the last time.
Behind him I watched, aware not to share the familiarity.
Let him have the moment. It is important.

I was sure I will find him-my soulmate since I dared to dream. Even in the mental state school/ANS put me in.
Every boy I connected with was it; until it wasn’t.

Did I do something when I magicked the mirror in the great transformation of ’97?
It was:
I am the most and only,
All guys want me,
all girls want to be me.

It worked, and it works still, but the #genie.

Haven’t been on dates since Mattias in March.
And when a while ago, preparing a joint a new crying rolled out I was thinking of him standing there and what he is missing.
The things I would have said and shared. The ideas the could’ve been born. The fun. All kinds.

It is mostly I who’s missing out. …