Existentially on the Brink

 I find it so hard to believe.

What is missing? What is missing this time?

I was like really pushing myself, intentionally, on bloody purpose, to fall. To have a full blown manic episode.

What is the matter???

 

Is it because, in my immediate and potentially wildly wild environment, my host is in a safe zone. For the first time.

So there is absolutely, well almost I think, no fear that I can deal with, which will trigger the sirens and I might, god forbid for instance & suddenly fully and approvingly and believingly and proceedingly believed in Lucifer?

 

It was even hard for me to figure it out again! I had to think, what, what is it, round in round in tunnel in front of my face, is it the god story I created? Or is it the religion that someone else created? Another story..? And then no; I believe in the universe and nothingness.. It has a point. But it doesn’t! It doesn’t make sense! I am here, now, everybody is normal. So what coincidences and what fucken signs? First time around you believed in them, martyringly! This time, nah, my new dogma is, I believe in god, he is there, and he did all that. He is too little for me to worship, but I will take him seriously, him and his signs in my society on planet earth.

Who is the real God.