Three Me’s explaining matrix to my own self

i don’t remember any details apart from i was with at least 3 other versions of me. and each of them, turn by turn were trying to explain to me the structure of life, the one same pattern, or equation that is life and all its details. this topic has been one of the themes in my latest dramatic “psychological” crisis, and i should mention that i am only an observer to my own life and its dramas. in the dream, each of the lailas was trying to make me understand something, and make me feel safer and better.
i had at least 2 other SIMILAR dreams, but i don’t remember anything. I don’t feel any stress on the conscious level. it is nonexistent. but on a subconscious level it is very hard, as i spent that night crying, almost wailing and confessing to my sisters, that i can’t feel anything. and i was crying about that more or less.

Analysis:

Last night in bed i was trying to self medicate/meditate. i wanted to see with my mind, and stop the thinking process, turn the blind eye to distractions. open up my third eye when i suddenly saw what i think is a memory of me as a baby, standing in my playpen and then falling on my bum. i was seeing through my baby eyes. i am guessing i could have been 8 months old or a bit more.
i saw this, actually and physically saw the moment. the movement and the vision zooming in as i am falling down. i saw the patterns designing the floor of the playpen. it was more real than a video being played.

just before that vision occurred, i saw blinking stars, which i have experienced last week as well. they seem to be the first stage of whatever it is that is happening to me.
as i was battling with myself to stay open, trying to shut down all internal distractions, i next saw what i would describe as a Grey, only the head. it looked different than the usual presentation. it was kinder and brighter. the white brightness in all the visions is a factor worth considering.

surprise, surprise, my mind did not like this, and i was aware how it is trying to distract me with the process of fear, but i was determined to suppress it.
and when i started feeling a presence, i started calling for whatever it is, (didnt really matter to me what it was at this point) to make me feel safe, “please please please, just make me feel safe cause i really want to know more..”
My plea was genuine as there is nothing left for me to do but push myself over the edge and pray for peace of mind and truth.

as i was praying, my eyes were still closed, and i tried again to zen out, and i suddenly felt the lights and atmosphere change. the room was almost pitch dark save for the music player’s green point of light.
the new light moves in a wavelike pattern, slow, starting at my head and travelling above my body where i lose track of it beyond my abdomen. this light was red and warm. i felt i was being scanned. i started to panic again as i became aware that my wishes may just come true, when i felt more than 3 presences in the room.
my mind started working again, trying to understand what is going on, and this is what i came up with: either a part of me is in a different dimension, or in a different place altogether, or that there were other presences in my bedroom, where my little daughter was also sleeping. I thought they couldn’t have been always there, but the dimensions are interacting within each other.
but then i felt that they were trying to calm me down just like i asked for them to do, by shining the warm light on me. it kept going up and down my body, slowly, like slow rolling waves, made up of red warm light. it wasn’t sexual in any way (it is a factor), and it was almost impossible not to panic and i kept telling my mind that this is exactly what my soul wants, so piss off.
and then my eyes opened by their own accord and i was positive that the light would disappear. i was scared that i was hallucinating this, because i really wanted the light to be real. and the light did not disappear! it also is interesting that it did not become brighter, or change in any form or way. it felt like: when my eyes were closed, i was seeing this light. and when my eyes were open, the only thing that changed was the added greenish light from the speaker and i could see more of my room.

I had Omharmonics, the Awakening track playing. the right side of the speaker started crackling, although i did fix it before going to bed. (note that it was not broken before, i noticed it was cracking only when i hit play before going to bed). I’m just listing every detail i remember.
back to the episode, when i started hearing the crackling noise, i took huge notice of my mind and saw that it wants to categorise that sound and make it legitimate. that the mind would not accept to just hear, it needs to understand where it is coming from to eliminate any paranormal cause. i told it more or less to piss off and just let me be and hear.. and right then i felt the bed covers above my left foot move, as if finger pinched the blanket, softly yet firmly in two different places. and i felt a sexual burst of energy travel from my foot up (i was lying on my right side). my mind woke up again and started to categorise the sensation and the physical movements and led me to think of the incubus concept. i tried to move my hand, and i could, so my mind dismissed that and let go.
so i start to zen out again, and honestly, lamenting the lost moment.
that is when the baby memory i described above happened.

i was aware of how amazing the “video” was, the memory, no different from how we see “reality”. the color white, and how bright it was and real it was.. strange sensation.

there were also the more “usual”, (but not so often though- in general), vague black-grey visual flashes. and it was then, in those little trips, i was asking to see the presence i have been feeling on and off for almost all life. someone/something, of male gender, that i have been sexually aroused by. that was the purpose of my exercise really. i really wanted to feel safe after the self inflicted drama i caused myself the past two nights. but that is another story.

now i should also mention, that before all of this happened, i opened myself sexually, intentionally, as in i took care of myself, knowing that there is no end to it, the usual unhappy ending- which is my hell in this life. and i believe and i feel that the permanent orgasm block i’m suffering of should be lifted somehow before any progress is made, or maybe it’s the other way around, i don’t know if you understand what i mean. but i still don’t know. this is all part of the book i am trying to write.