Seven Years
Dear TDK,
I’m moving back to Sweden to another area.
Another chapter, same wishlist – soulmate.
A week ago, for the first time,
my mother outloud said that I have been looking for him all my life,
that it is breaking her heart that I haven’t.
I have met 7-year-worth of temporary people.
The occasional job or concert.
Had a bag of boyfriends.
Went out only for tinder dates.
Many lessons learnt, gratefully.
Relationships tried for size, unapologetically.
At time my heart broke, surprisingly.
Broke hearts of others, unintentionally.
Tried to be myself,
Tried to be versions of myself,
tried to be neutral.
Went with the flow,
against the tide,
teleported.
Had more Awakenings,
hypogean undertakings,
And timeless times of nothing.
Watched on loop the same nostalgics,
Read more about it all,
loyally chronicled my own thoughts,
Faithfully gathered my own self.
First was immature sailor Zaid,
Whose small daughter had died.
No idea who was after.
There was tormented kind Viking Hasan,
And Free-bird beautiful Dj Karim,
Egoistical-atheist clingy Basim,
Depressed successful Firas,
I travelled Europe with him,
I blank,
I know there were others.
Ivan, immature alcoholic rockstar,
For whom I wrote “So Unfair”.
I crushed hard twice on other musicians.;
One was gay but didn’t matter.
Spent most of the seven years alone at home, in my office, in my world.
Looking around, thinking about the room I’ll spend the coming phase in.
What to take. Nothing at all. Most of my stuff is there but take it all.
The universe in all certainty
pushed me into most of these affairs,
showered stupendous soulmate signs.
Was it all simulacra? All of it?
I experienced most intriguing sensations,
and held magik, tangible power in my second and third chakra,
there wasn’t even a solarflare.
And for a moment, in the beginning,
I knew F was my soulmate.
I stood in the heat of night on the cliffs of the Dead Sea,
Witnessing an emergency council above us,
determining the outcome between us.
And I stood outside the citadel temple,
and bore witness to a grand play,
divine interventions,
Cavalry of Archangels,
Prophecies mirroring, triggering.
I watched the hidden worlds superimpose reality,
Pausing time pregnant with metaphorical symbols,
objectifying people and reality.
Me and the potential soulmate see it.
The magical now.
The building blocks founding our journey,
And disappears as we reach the relationship.
It’s over.
But I fell in love with K.
He had the energy I desired,
He could’ve let me out of my shell, cell, well, hell.
But he was patient with me up until he wasn’t.
He was all in with me for the deep this may bring,
the mystery of love and sex was within reach,
But I couldn’t deal with my self-awareness,
Asked him to be kind and help me;
He said he will and then left.
Ivan’s name in my contacts is shitface.
There was once a boy in 2002,
He was known in more than a city,
A Circassian guy, a hot rockstar.
I knew of him,
my best friends knew him,
I saw him a far once or twice and I liked.
Had a passing crush like everyone around,
But I was busy elsewhere getting my heart broken.
..And nothing.
The one that never was..
Four years ago he finds me on Tinder,
Confesses his own old crush over me,
A thing develops. Negative experience.
But I was sure, with all the synchronicities and signs,
the idea of our past was romantic, it felt right.
Then one time he stops the car,
turns and looks at me with hologram eyes,
Says he has a message to give me,
and suddenly I’m connected to HQ,
And I am talking to the Presence,
separately an entity in exo-reality,
using Ivan as medium,
Tells me I am Satanaya,
It sounded like a pre-recorded message.
Same message as always.
I beseech him;
no, I want to exit.
The Presence.
I learnt not to play games with a hologram,
not play hard to get.
I learnt how not to break my heart,
when to stop, when to disappear.
I learnt how to be a step ahead;
It seems like a game I play.
In truth, I am a program that needs to run.
If the presence is gone, so am I.
Having a lifetime relationship
with a mental and heartfull memory of a future
is rare.
They confidently lectured me
To be like them not like me if I want to be happy,
That no one thinks like I do,
And soulmates are not real,
also that it is not what I think it is.
My soulmate would not say that;
Yet, a strong Presence is there, I see his eyes.
The universe pulls me in.
I go with the flow,
lesson learnt. Next.
I go against the flow,
same thing.
I turn off all notions,
Have no expectations,
same result.
Was it all simulacra? All of it?
Cyclical patterns,
repeating,
modifying upcoming boyfriends
Meeting my continuously updating wishlist.
I’ve had everything I asked for,
I tried one type after another.
None of them were mine.
All I want is my soulmate.
It is a pattern,
has been a part of my timeline since the beginning.
It hasn’t changed,
but I have,
I work on myself to level up,
to deal with a version of myself
that is meant for this reality,
this -reality.
I’m eternally faithful,
And wary, and wiser.
Something is wrong with the system.
I will begin a new life,
I will integrate with community,
I will write a script and act it in the theater,
I will dance,
I will walk and find secret places,
To dance like no one’s watching.
I will get another master’s degree,
Connect it with working at my university,
Learn the language,
And I will meet my soulmate one night,
my eyes closed,
music in ears,
dancing like nobody’s watching,
My lips on his.
