#In Love

A very long awaited touch from- yeah, this is not what I wanted to say.

I feel like I’m floating, like I’m in love, but with a stranger that I know very well. The soulmate in my head, the stranger. He has no face. And the love that I feel for him is like a breath that you take when you have been not able to breathe. I opened.. I feel like this breath opens me up to encompass the world within. Very light. I feel light and bright and high. Innocence and purity, optimism and faith mixed up together.

I felt this just now in an orgasm. And the type of stuff I’ve been watching the last couple of days is what I yearn and long for: couples in love. And I psychologically observe him more than her and how they- he communicates with the object of his love.
The object of his love. Object, objectification and projection.
Thinking also about that stuff.

I just wanted to say that: How come?
I had that orgasm.
I said, I felt: how much I’m in love with you.
I was directing this feeling and question, this thought that is encompassing the whole world to my, my person, to my man; but I was directing it to the inner insides of my head. That’s where he is and always has been. And I’m and how can I be so in love, How can that breath be So liberating when nothing in life does that?
(laugh)

It’s kind of enough for me. That’s why I feel this gratitude. Well, at least that.
I know that the feeling exists because I seem to generate it on my own, and project it into this male character, that I want to find, that I’m building.

How can I be so in love?
Oh, at the end of the day I’m in love with my own self, but this is not where I wanted to go; that’s way too deep. And I want to disclude my own solves and project into this male character. Trying to find him outside in the world, and projecting, assuming that I’m gonna find it.

To revisit a few weeks ago, months ago, maybe now, when I declare to myself that I have to stop minimising my chances at relationships because they are not my soulmate. I haven’t had opportunities since to meet anybody. But one thing did change, and it’s that I do not want to speak the word Soulmate, and connote all the baggage that comes behind it. I’ve been using it since I was little, maybe 13 years old. When ever, I heard that term firstI used it, and it’s very, it’s, it’s a very specific person. It’s a very specific scenario, a very specific story and play that I’ve been projecting throughout all of these years on the men, and learning how to not to, and then deciding to discard that character altogether and try to build anew, which is, I mean, I’m beyond accepting of that is the way it is. This is how I am programmed, that I want this, and I know what I want. So I just want to اجرد المعنى من كل الكلمات. I just simplified it into my person instead of my soulmate. My person. I did that on Tinder. I deleted all text on my profile and wrote “looking for my person”. To include people who are not my soulmate but are enough to be my person–

I don’t wanna project on them my divine image of what I want. The reason why I don’t want to is because apparently that’s, uh, not how it works in this game and this matrix and it backfires. And you need all of your life to understand how to avoid the backfire. And it’s really hard. So what you do is you go within- I go within and I try to–

That feeling that I had. I was watching people in love and, and the way that they are together and really projecting myself on them, just living through them, that’s what porn is for me. I find my favourites and have them on hand; lovely couples, amazing guys, one in particular. Makes me feel connected with this thing that I want, this character, this soul, this person through porn.

So when I was coming, I had an amazing orgasm, which I’m grateful for. But not only that just pregnant with emotion. It was amazing, just kept on going and. I had feelings, my own feeling, just like an orgasm is a physical thing and I’m feeling it in my body physically, I am also experiencing an onset of deep emotion of, of the feeling of being in love with a specific being, a person that is in my head. And I said out loud “how can I feel so much love for you?”. I mean, how, how is it possible? You are not fucking real.
And then I go off and try to find that feeling with, with men, you know! Fucking hell.

I was watching something, trying to watch something about projection in a much more complicated, deeper sense that the dictionary definition. There were a couple of things that were interesting. One of them I had to write down, which is something Jung said. Apparently, you have to ask yourself is this your shadow or is it an archetype?
That is actually an important lens, because then you have to treat it differently.

If I wanna use this in today’s example, which is this man in my hand, who doesn’t even have a name. If I want to internalise it, then this is about me. I have this shadow of self that has been with me since childhood, growing with me, adapting with me. Sometimes I’m confronting it and hating it. Sometimes I am amazed how much I’m in love with it. This shadow self which is all of my drama with human beings, friends, then boys and relationships and marriage, fathers, women and everything all together. What I want from a relationship, how I was treated and my mechanism of self defences that I have been shadow-working on all this time.

But the thing is I have reached a مطب years ago when I realised hence I decided to accept it , that it is not a- it is a ‘program’- the simplest way for me to say it. It’s not a shadow that I can suddenly change and start behaving completely differently with men and relationships, in other words lower my standard expectations just to be with anyone.
that is not a possibility that’s gonna happen. It’s gonna be me alone or him with me. I don’t want something in the middle.

So when I say program-
My whole book and the characters over there, the soulmates, Adam and Eve, Lucifer.. Obviously Archetypes, archetypes لهدرجه. So It’s not just because I am an individual from this clan في هذا الزمكان, why she was like this or her personality like that, her shadows, why she was like that in relationships, and why she died alone. Aw, fuck you. No, no, she didn’t die alone. She just disappeared into the unknown. Um, I don’t know.

But, literally, he is an archetype that is outside of this world in a space ship, waiting for me. And he’s many things throughout history. He’s an archetype. Most definitely that became part of my shadow, but it’s not the shadow that connected me with some archetype in the universal library of meaning.

Feelings, meanings, words. First you have the feeling, then you give it a meaning, and then you attribute it with words to communicate it either with yourself or others. So it’s like a breakdown lost in translation of the initial amazing, powerful thing which is the emotion, which just- I mean, you can generate emotion. But Emotion, it comes and when it comes, it’s like a lightning bolt, an explosion and an implosion at the same time of something you cannot stop.
You cannot stop a panic attack. You know, that’s an extreme thing. You cannot stop hysteria, you cannot. That’s also an extreme.