It was easy to be creative
, all my life. It took nothing to imagine anything;
with eyes open or shut.
And my dreams were a normal recurrence; vivid, a source of life and the foundation of the day.
#Awakening II
When I was 23 (2003) something happened. And because of it I was forcefully diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. And forcefully shoved heavy and expensive imagination/emotion killing medication
. Daydreaming started a declination. Until it ceased
. But the night dreams remained as a reminder not to forget;
taunting my hopelessness, bastards.
I stopped taking the pills 5 years ago. It took 4 years and half to start recovering from the numbness
. Well, on some level at least.
I still consider myself emotionally disabled, but something did happen. And for the second time I go through the cosmic machine,
but this time it was only an awakening to the fact that: I will recover,
that I can start to go on and back
to finish what I started, 8 years ago (2012).
#Awakening II
This is what happened in April 2012
. I was teased,
in the beginning. I was teased with emotion on a grand scale! I felt things, saw stuff
, and creativity was a flood
- drowning the wastelands of the hatred and fear in my mind, body and heart.
I’ll call it magic. And it intertwined with my subconsciousness,
which was new. Which I rode, hard.
I had tens of thoughts, songs, visions and realizations
happening- at the very same time! Literally, not a metaphor. Not an exaggeration.
And I consciously felt this phenomenon
and marveled how my mind could work so flexibly like this.
I can have separate thoughts running at the same time
like computers run scripts simultaneously. And I had the awareness of this;
which created another train of thought. None collide. And non were bothered by the other
. All using the same energy, and coexisting happily.
#MagicMusicJam
I could sing 3 completely different songs in my mind, at the same time! Not a note was missed, or jammed, or misplayed.
A mainstream pop song, a Muse song, and a russian kids song, all playing in my head at the same time.
As I washed my hands and looked into the mirror,
I saw a face that broke into hysterical bliss.
I remember enjoying this power, this new magic. And I was bragging to the whole world- by looking back at my reflection.
My own music, which restarted after an 8 year-abyss,
was out of my control.
Ideas just came from the nowhere
, and posed themselves for me to pick at
. I was not needed to do anything.
I didn’t even need to listen.
I wasn’t even concentrating. My mind was alive- on it’s own. And sometimes, it felt like I had nothing to do with it at all.
I merely enjoyed it, and let my existence roam free.
And, suddenly I am writing again. The ideas that came to my mind
were all related to quantum physics one way or the other.
QP, which I had no knowledge of before,
certainly a thing I thought was too impossible for me to understand,
or have patience to read about.
The ideas rushing into my physical reality were unstoppable.
I had no doubt in my mind that it was not of this world. No, not of this linear 3D, predictive and normally normal world.
Thousands of ideas
, and my mind
would have no trouble organizing all the information,
and absolutely
have no problem understanding it!
I experienced it first,
and then found out that all of these topics
were what scientists from the dawn of time
have been spending their lifetimes thinking about.
I saw where they were correct,
and where they were mistaken,
and what they have not yet considered.
The flow would go on nonstop everyday, day and night.
I would go to bed still ‘getting’ the information.
It was like a separate entity
all on its own.
I can’t control it in anyway
and I would go to bed with all this,
and be super happy and relaxed.
I fall asleep before I realize it. Insomnia, a life long foe disappeared.
And when I wake up in the morning,
I am uncharacteristically Fresh
and awake
and happy; I can’t wait to live.
But the most fantastic part was,
that as my body would rise
from the bed and awake,
I would actually wake up (
after I have started sitting up, mid way). Like something was moving my body to rise,
and I would realize that moments after. And then open my eyes.
It was like someone was helping me get up.
Something that I have needed all my life; the will to live, and the energy to actually do it.
But wait! The most, most fantastic thing was that
I heard myself thinking…
Or rather, I heard the ideas,
the same ones from the night before go on as I wake up.
As if I never stopped debating myself and getting information.
I kept repeating that my body has had the best sleep of it’s life: night after night! But my mind has not shut up for a second. I absolutely have no control over it. and I would wake with these amazing, intuitive, familiar yet brand new ideas and theories. About what I am, what the world is, and how it all connects.
Souls and energy, and magical infinite universe type ideas. One person (#Rlf) kept telling me to my amusement, that he never saw anyone’s mind work “so hard
, so fast
and non stop”.
#AntiClimax
I was following the #signs,
and they led me to go to Roma. But, instead of a grand finale,
I got nothing and lost everything.
Suddenly, everything ceased. Completely. For months.
The free ideas,
the creativity,
the dreams.
Even my own dreams
were taken away.
I was jilted, and I was screaming at the top of my lungs:
what am I supposed to do with all this information!
Later on, I would curse this
and wish that the knowledge went away
as everything else did.
Because ever since,
my prospective on everything shifted,
and I couldn’t possibly function,
or even live willingly in this reality.
Everything clashed with what I came to know,
horrible confrontation with what was actually being active around me.
These were very bad times.
Lots of anger and lots of questions.
See, I had these answers, but I did not know where they belonged.
However, some nights,
very very few and apart,
I started seeing dreams again.
But I always repeated this in the morning: whose dream was that?
Sometimes the dream was actually mine, familiar.
But I wasn’t a part of it.
There was a clear as day disconnection,
confusion
and a feeling of something else out there that is new and unfamiliar. Maybe someone watching,
or maybe just me not being myself- anymore, at all.
That even I don’t recognise myself in my dreams.
When those stranger’s dreams eventually stopped,
I drowned in extreme worry and frustration.
I was terrified and felt like I was being punished
or abandoned by a part of me.
A big part.
The part which made it possible to continue on with this version of life.
A version where I should play by someone else’s rules and believes.
During these months, I threw myself to the wolves and googled everything that I saw and heard (in my mind).
One thing I must mention is
I wished I was “psychotic” once.
The meanest trick to pull on a self-proclaimed creative person is not once show them where the rabbit hole is.
So I googled, and built towers,
only to knock them down and rebuild.
What is the truth?
Where is it?
Why does it matter anyway?
Why me?
Am I wasting my time?
Am I inducing insanity?
Well then.. At least make me SEE something..
And so,
the last couple of weeks
I have been feeling
that there is nothing
left for me to do.
There’s nothing new for me to check out.
I have had my fill.
I go with intuition to sort true from false.
And time is ticking and tocking and nothing is happening.
And all I want is out.
And now,
suddenly,
I have a dream two nights ago.
Finally.
After all the months of idle calls, I dream of spaceships in the sky and war with the others and #packingtime.
The no fear,
the resolved calm
and the content.
Going somewhere far better
where harm is not a factor.
What I’ll explain is this,
that that night
I thought about what I would like to dream.
I don’t know if I have tried this before,
I must have..
For sure. But that night, I was different..
And so, I went with the evolution of flow. I thought of which dream I would really like to visit,
the scariest one I know
where I should be afraid,
but won’t be.
I thought of who I want to see: my family. And I imagined a few important scenes
where I talk to them
and explain to them
in no words at all that it is time to go,
and not to panic “you..
you must not,
cause it’s fine, really”. Bending the will of my family
and not be thought of as insane for it.
Now, while inside the dream,
I seem to stand there, consciously
remembering my own advice,
on what to do and how to say it.
And I think it was towards the end of the next day
when I sat down to write the dream,
that I realised a bunch of stuff:
I had a dream,
my own,
and my favourite.
It was me who made it happen.
And inside the dream, I was still connected to my consciousness
and I could control the decisions and actions.
However,
I was not aware that it I was dreaming. And the dream was vibrant and full HD (
and that is very important
, not normal.)
Not only this,
but last night,
the very next night,
I had another dream.
But this time I did not dream what I asked for.
It was a surprise, really; a gift of sorts.
I had a brand new
, newly designed dream
involving the only guy in my past
which I have pleasure seeing in my dreams (#EM).
And the strangeness of the dream was simply because:
it was a happy one.
I got to live a very long day with someone that I think I love. The only one who I think I love
in a fantasy world
, where our relationship actually works,
and we don’t end up burning our bed.
The emotions in the dream were more real
than any emotion I have had while awake- for maybe a decade.
What’s more,
the dream made complete sense.
No crazy dream shit was interrupting the flow,
and that made it surreal
and familiar. It went on and on,
and I would awake and fall back asleep
only to create a new scene in the same dream.
Which is a wish come true! To be able to continue a dream
. Total control on a whole different level.
However, the control was not from within,
but from with-out..
What are dreams made for?.…
