#Log: Be Calm & Go

I have stuff to last me a few days. I can’t get more quickly. And I gained a friend. Rlf. He was amazing. Not only did he understand me completely. He was aware of everything I said. He would help me remember where I left of. Means he really is listening, because deep inside of him he knows it’s true. He invited me back because of the stories.

 

I have nothing to panic about. No reality checks. I am far far away. In Sweden. I don’t have a job to go to. I have a husband who knows everything and supports me. He listens, or pretends to. And he lets me talk and do what I want. He supports me but he does not interact. He does not get me like Rlf did. But maybe that is good. Because it means that I don’t have a commitment to spend every waking moment of my new trips with him. I can go to him. Talk my heart out, then hide away in my little room, my world, and cultivate right here.

 

I am in my own house. I don’t have the panic to come home, or wake up, or drive… I am home and I can be most comfortable. Baby is not a baby anymore. I am letting go of her slowly, and have been the last few months. Another preparation. She goes to school and is happy and Ru is here for her. I come out when she needs me, or I need her. Today was the first time ever I trusted someone else to take care of a major point of the day, picking her up from school. I sent off Ru to drive, on his own, first time ever, to to something big and important. Pick baby up.

 

I was worried. I started imagining bad scenarios. But I kept telling myself to stop it. Don’t create panic. Enjoy this. Nothing bad will happen. Take it easy Layla.

I’m trying to let Julia out and play.

No panic or controllers whatsoever. So why even plan to smoke only after baby goes to bed? Smoke where ever you want. And you’re not hiding it. The stuff is all over the table in clear view. That is freedom.

This is the beginning of the transitionary period.