First Public Entry FB

man is here on earth, to be free. the opposite of that is being consumed by Fear.

and because we have so many fears, on the conscious and the subconscious level,  awake or dreaming of nightmares..we are so utterly and desperately unfree. and these fears are built by societies. we learn them willingly at the age of 1.

religion. rules and laws. politics. traditions and culturelism.

 

and the story began on that day, when that idiot man, first came out of his cave.

what would happen if you take this away? the Fear… i mean, take it all away. go back to the neanderthal, before he opens his eyes as he stands on his “cave-step” for the very first time.. observe him as he existed in the dark…

before he started to fear DEATH: wild beasts, starvation, dehydration, the weather and disease.

in the cave he was free. wasn’t he..

blackness. nothingness.

now take him out of the cave..abduct him away from the comfort of the womb, and throw him in the here and now.

do you know what will happen? he will surely die in a second.

Super Massive Cultural Shock.

he will act as if he is possessed by fear, though and though. his blood would shriek and pass out!

but teach him and tell him why people are the way they are..

do you know what will happen?

he will die of laughter.

literally.

because people

are

absurd.

i am quitting. killing all these fears. one by one.

i am saying to the world that she is a whore.

stop controlling me

stop telling me who i am

stop telling me what i should be

stop telling me what to do.

i am me and thus i am unique. and because i know how it feels to be cocooned by you, i have learnt how to become free. because i am aware.

some people would say, laila seems to believe in chaos and disorder. i would answer, quite the opposite you fool. i know that if i follow the signs of life, i will do what i instantly and instinctually feel is the right way to go,  and then…  life would be so easy. so happy. and i will be what i am supposed to be. unique.

i saw in the eye of my mind, 3 weeks ago, god. our one.. the one with all those celestial religions dedicated to.

he has a god to report to. who in turn reports to his own god.. and that one is the god of karma. but then i could stop the film roll, and i was seeing authoritative chains of gods.. and they all answer to a high command.

it was terrible!!!

i was so afraid.. so confused. where is the answer. please tell me it’s not true.

and every time i would believe in a new, all mighty and powerful god,

and as i start to feel the ripples turning into shocks and the divine energy: light-crashing my soul, yet again, something happens.. suddenly, in a moment, and it all goes away.. and “leaves me in the vacuum of my soul”..

“say whaaaat?? that is not god???” this is what i find myself doing.. screaming in dispair at every final cut.

and the roller coaster of torment and bliss kept going almost 48 hours if not 72..

by then.. my fear slowly turned into calm acceptance.

yes.

there is no god.

it is all god. all of it.

there is no god. there are many.

and that is why nothing matters.

and i kept seeing these universes, in tables and ashtrays, bacteria.. in cosmoses, super massive black holes.. dimensions.. worm holes. infinite parallel universes within one another….  but it was fine. it was like confirmations, that i should not be fooled by the world. and just hold my soul up high.. keeping it safe from the taints and bruises of human kind.

there is this absurdly infinite pattern to what we call “life”, and if you zoom out to see the big picture, you’ll see that you are observing Nothing.

universes within universes.

by them selves, they are significant.

in the big picture, not really..

but you need it, you need all the details.. all our memories.. they are the building blocks. everything matters. because in the big picture, nothing really matters. so why not just live in the here and now? you have a plan for your life? do it. nevermind them. just go.

i mean lets rewind a little. looking at the “big picture”  will still be an insignificant pixel. all vague and gray. and you cannot, for the life of you,  zoom out 100%.

it is infinite. and it goes round and round. and comes around. and karma. and all that shit.

and you start to worship this nothing. and believe in it. and you think about it more and more.. and you suddenly realise that time is important. and your mind takes you to these strange places, and life leads you to so randomly end up on youtube watching NASA… then reading quantum physics.. and i was like, yes yes, exactly, that is just what i just saw.. apparently there is a whole philosophical science out there.. called quantum physics, i really wanted to officially call it my religion. but it is yet too adolescent. i am way ahead.

but i am so interested to see what new stars you find, and what you think it all means.

i never believed in the God of Islam. i feared him. i didn’t like the idea of fearing my god. god is safety and continuity and love- above all love. god would not punish by threats of hell. not if you live your life normally. as in, free. to be good. to feel love and spread it. one would not rape or war.

and I always had this strange inclination to Jesus, but the religion was too funny to take seriously.. and because i am human, i need something to believe in. I decided to change my info page, where it asks to stereotype me based on religion, from: Non Specified to Spiritual. and i lived like this for 10 years or so.

in the past month, i have changed from a believer in a spiritual god, to an atheist,

which lasted less than a day.. because it just didn’t add up.

and i found myself reading about agnostic theism. because my soul needs to believe… a dream to live in and for, and call life. and today i will tell you that, i believe in nothing. i have no god. and i believe in this and i will fight you if you try to touch my belief system. yet the label of agnostic theism is still not 100% true. and i have this thirst to stereo type myself in everything, truthfully.. honestly..

because i love organization.. and categorization. planning…

make the most of the shit that is bombarded at you, the bitch called life.

i believe that there is nothing to believe in, and that is what i believe- with all my soul.

and for the last 3 weeks or so, i have been praying “religiously”  :)     every day.. every moment, by just being

me.

no fears. just me.

if everyone did this, there would be no war. no death.