The Sum of Me: Letter to TDK

November 24, 2015 Jordan

I am the sum of me even though I’m disconnected from the soup of experiences and memories that are mine. Even if I am a house to separate selfs and kind-of familiar individuals. Even if I am a stranger to myself.

I’m still me.
And you knew me, the most and the littlest.

Last night I realized that: not only my past me’s are foreign to me, but also the recent two years ago me, or the me after we met, or even the me after you, the me without you, and the me who settled back in Amman. All of these individuals, are not real to me. No matter how hard we all try. But I know they existed, and the only proof I have of their memory is their records. I read what they recorded. I was them. But something’s missing. No connections.

Since the disappointing fall after my awakening in ’12, there has been a new sensation, embodied as a presence inside me. It is like a layer to my person and personality. It is the disappointed self, that arose but her lips sealed tight and eyes bright, forgiving and allowing the cosmos it’s ways.

That part of me is all part of me now. And the rest of me is a librarian.

And two years ago, she faithfully and maybe bravely rejected the idea of reoccurring disappointment and gave to the concept of you and I a chance to prove a ‘miracle’ or ‘initiation’ to go on with this journey. So so that I managed to connect with you my soulmate and crusaded inside cosmos again as the best me I could offer to it and you and myself.

And I was happy too.

I was remembering, and I discovered that I should’ve been very much happy in late ’13 till mid ’14 in comparison to today. I’m still ‘happy’, ..this empty yet technically ‘happy’ state; but you, and even the whole concept of soulmate are foreign to me, even though I know this is mine.

You read this and you’re upset because of various words written which have power to either offend or terribly hurt, but know that I write them with one intention; to clarify myself for both of us.

Another of those existential breakdowns, that fade- only to grow stronger and phoenix back to faith. Stronger faith. And an insistent, terrible Knowing; that indeed no matter how far one gets in experiencing ‘who and why they are’, there’s a station in every phase when you get to take the train back to square one and off again to a new destination in a multiverse of outcomes.

I know I wasn’t given the Ticket, and I hate being a stowaway. I know there is no final destination because the train can either go in circles and from A to B. Yet this terrible knowing that everything is as it should, and god will always say, it’s good- is .. disappointing.

I don’t want to be where god is anymore.
I want to be free-er.

And I want for things to go back to when I answer my phone and say, hi darling. i love you.
I wish we never met. I miss you, and maybe we could try again, and salvage all the good that came of us being together before we came apart.

LB
laila
L
whatever but it’s me.