Non-Member #Observer

today i feel like being hopeful.
i think one mean demon left my head yesterday.
i got so angry at everyone who is not me
i did not recognize myself
it was not me who was screaming
it wasn’t me who almost left her own body
the highly pitched screams
i never heard myself like this
i never felt so possessed and void of all i know and feel
but i heard a click as i stopped shouting
and i knew it is fine
and that i can stop now

after that, i was so calm
and i felt this new energy within which will keep me from snapping so hard at the world again
i would never reach that limit again
but i had to go through it
and i felt, as i started shouting, that it wasn’t really me doing it
it wasn’t my intention
it was involentary
i was determined to sit and listen and not get angry
but then it took a life of it’s own
and i started yelling
and breaking way much expensive shit that i bought for myself
breaking it to kill it
i didn’t have a care for all the technological materialism i involv myself in
to escape the numbness and discomfort of what life is

i saw that it wasn’t me releasing all the incomprehension
of the absurdity, vile stupidity
imbecility of the world
i let it have its way
i just went with it
finding myself enjoying it
feeling that somehow i am actually tampering with reality
shaking many things up
violently
for the world to fucken wake up

it felt like, i just had to do it,
and i went with it
like a project
and then when it clicked,
and i stopped raving
i felt something leave
and i knew this was a lesson
of how to be
more considerate
because
fools
are
not
to
blame

i am a non-member, observer
just like the land that is supposed to belong to me