#Journaling:UJ

Going to university.

Rushing. Running late..
American Lit 2 with dr. RQ.  I MUST be outside the classroom by 9:30.
No time to dress, no time to drink water..
Driving fast.. Parking car and running with all my might through the crowded campus..
Out of breath.. I collapse for a moment hanging on the door handle..
‘please may I come in?’
‘have a nice day.. Sorry..’
‘but I was running…’
’emmemm..’ I close the door slowly.. Quietly.. And rest my back on the door..
I wanted to cry. I almost did..

Girls bathroom. Standing in the middle. Around me mulsim veiled girls. Me in the middle..
I looked at the mirror. So tired. Beaten.. I hate the way I looked.
Hate my hair.. My face.. My length.. My body.. Hated the person dwelling inside.
Five minutes pass.. ylleN calls. She never calls during school time. As if it all was meant to be this way..
She begs for me to come over and see what the hell is going on in her house..
So I went.. Saved..

Maybe I will even smoke a joint or two..
She opens the bedroom’s door.. And I see kelaM sleeping.. As if he belonged right there..
Shocked.. I never expected to see him of all people..
No questions asked.. Who cares? I know that I don’t..
An hour later he wakes up and together with his friend, me and her, we sat talking. She was bitching as usual..

I think, I don’t fit in her.. I don’t belong at all… But there’s no other place to go..

I let go, they talk. I’m not listening.. not paying any attention…
Her mobile rings.. She talks for a bit, then hands me the mobile..
Careless ‘who is this’ I spoke to the phone. I couldn’t make a link between his name and his face..

It was like I knew whose voice this was.. But too careless to see a face in my mind..
I don’t know what we talked about.. About her..
I hung up.. Still in my strange carelessness..
I put the phone on my chest and close my eyes..
I remember what I was thinking about..

I was thinking about next year..

When I will fucken break free from here.. And leave forever.. Anywhere.. Anywhere…