The Art of Failure
To honour myself. The voice that cries out in frustration, in desperation.
Am I making a big deal out of what my voice wants?
How should I feel. How should I see.
If not genuinely myself,
then I fail.
If I accept, adapt
even if without pretending,
I fail, even more.
To lose the connection with him,
I fail.
Lucifer, see this unfairness. Lilith, where is damn Justice.
Give me a break. Teasing, teasing, for what!
You do not fail, love. You yourself cannot fail yourself or others because no matter what adventures you pass through and no matter whom you change and are changed by you will always be you, infinitely beautiful, infinitely powerful in your sincerity, your earnestness, your longing to embrace and experience the universe … whatever roles you choose to play and invent from the past, the present, the future, whatever names you choose for yourself and however you spell them, you will always be you, a delightful and infinite mystery that feeds upon so many secrets and beings and hearts and minds and that in turn is such a major part of so many lives and souls, so deeply entangled in so many beautiful meaning-laden things.
And this is where the teacher in me comes back in, inspired by you, to remind you to “notice” all the other stars in the sky, to notice yourself as a star but to also notice and above all to hear the music, all of the music, in all its complexity and joy and pleasure … No matter how wonderful or frustrating H. is and how much of a liberation and transformation you can achieve through this relationship-and I very much wish it for you and I am happy that you have experienced so much happiness and fulfilment already! of the kind that you have always longed for … no matter and even if H. were perfect, even if your love life were perfect (which it very seldom is) on all levels, it would never be enough because there are so many other facets to your personality.
There’s a restlessness at the core of all of us, a wilderness, a wish not to belong or rather to belong to the universe, our friends, the unanswerable questions, the unsolvable mysteries, the unbreakable riddles.
I know you are more drawn to answers and I to questions, that you are a seeker of truth and I am essentially a queen of nonsense in search of her lost La la land. I know that you long for the perfect romance, the perfect consummation on all levels whereas I long for the perfect comedy, to write or act in or perhaps simply to watch. So in this respect as in many others we are very different … Yet in other respects we are very much alike, in other respects and indeed from any perspective you will always be one of my main Muses and greatest friends.
You are wonderful and you can never fail at anything as far as I am concerned, you are many many scales above success and failure, it does not even make sense to describe your life or indeed any life in those terms.
You are also one of the most beautiful human beings I have ever met, with the most gorgeous body and soul, the purest voice, the purest desire for beauty and love and freedom.
And I do love you very much and always will, no matter what mood you or I happen to be in. I know I have failed you in the past, I really don’t think I would again but perhaps it’s better not to make any promises. All I can tell you is that I am fine now and I can be a very good friend to you now if you will let me. I know that part of you wants to and I am so grateful for that and for your sharing your world or at least part of it with me. But I feel more strongly each day that I want to talk to you “in real time”, I am sure it would help us both and that we would progress faster if we had such conversations.
I love you very much and I wish you best of luck with all your adventures and projects!
Yours ever
f