Defying fear, Fadi
Having no fear is the only way to exist.
I woke up really thirsty at 6 am, to realise that i have just been in a very very good dream. However, i didn’t get angry that i had woken up, i knew that i had already taken what i have secretly desired, and accepted being awake.
There were at least 2 moments in the dream,
Where i stood my ground.
Where something was happening,
Something i want to happen,
Something i sometimes dared to wish for to happen,
And it did,
And i dove in, head first, to fight for it,
To stand my ground.
I was confident, not a speck of fear,
And i enjoyed the consequence with every beating cell n my body,
I savoured the moment of victory,
All with the presence of awareness that others are disagreeing and are forever holding me under their control, just because i feared their disappointment and anger.
**
There were 3 stories
- I THINK Sami
- Rami Shuabi. I remember just one point. I was doing it with him
- Fadi:-
The Fadi story is beautiful
I am in my room
Sunny outside
I am standing in the middle
My bed was the way it was when Fadi came to visit me long ago.
I turn around and I see him standing there in my room
None of us say a word
He is especially quiet
His eyes speaking out to me
He doesnt move
I do
I come close to him
My body touches his
And I rest my right cheeck on his right shoulder
He then embraces me for a long time
I feel I am saying to him forgive me
And I feel his embrace saying I forgive you
We dont talk
We stand like that for a long time
I am feeling extremely happy
Relaxed
Safe
Thankful
I really miss him and love
And I genuinely basque in his forgiveness
I love the moment
Next
Somehow I am in the bathroom looking at the mirror
He appears behind me
And I am reminded that I did this literally the previous day (gerone, sink scene)
So I must have known what was coming
And I might have felt thankful that gerone “created” this
Cuz I know what will happen
And I wanted it to
I am feeling so much love for my Fadi
So he is standing behind me
And I see him in the mirror
I do not move
And he doesnt either
We both look at the mirror, at each other
And then he makes the first move
I knew I wouldn’t
Otherwise I would need to ask for his forgiveness again
When he makes the first move
I feel extremely relieved
And extremely turned on
His lips touch my neck from the right side
I instantly close my eyes
And my sexuality and sensuality is heightened to painful proportions
I cannot and will not make any selfish move
I let my body be controlled by his decisions
I give him the control
So I feel his soft mouth, pressure on my neck
And my whole body moves like a song towards the right
Pressing against his lips
To feel the maximum I can
This was a moment which last for a couple of glorious minutes
He was kissing my neck slowly
With undying and hungry and cautious love
Kissing my neck up and down on both sides
As slow as it should be
It was perfection
And I was feeling it all
I was in desperately in love with him
The door was open
And my family appeared
All by baba
Mama was saying things like what are you doing
You cant do that..
Something beautiful happened then
We both stood there
Just the way we were before being interrupted
We both looked at these people
And I said
In a calm and resolved voice
To leave us alone
I said a few thing
They sounded the right things to say
And I had the right attitude
No fear
None at all
I knew I was right
They were wrong
And that I did not need to convince them of that
It worked
I dont remember what that means,
Maybe they disappeared
But that was it, between me and fadi
Cuz next,
I go to baba’s room
Who was lounging on the floor by his couch
With papers and files around
He knew what I did, was doing
And he started speaking with anger
When I leaned low to his body
And without a trace of fear
!!!!!!
Looked him in the eye
And said really clever things to him
About leaving me be
Perhaps stop judging me for you have no idea who I am and why I do the things you hate
And that I will not explain to you why or what
You just step away
And never do it again.
I was calm
I knew I was awesome
I saw his eyes
How they changed
How he panicked
That I am not afraid of him anymore
And I left him there
And went away
Thinking to myself:
