Retrospective Shadows

I’m so angry. I want to break the world into pieces, fire it down a blackhole, let it burn to nothing before reaching the end.

It’s unfair.

I just want to love.

I just want to be allowed to fucken love and feel it come back.

After all the fuckups and fucken heartbreaks of my life, this well defined pattern of false memory, or misalignment in timelines keeps happening, making the same situation different to the love of my life.. this bloody misunderstanding. Is it me? I’m a schezo? It doesn’t work that way. I’ve known for a while that these are tests and on purpose, hacking done to fuck up destiny. Benevolent, malevolent, certainly not accidental or natural.

These are all those moments in my 20s I spent weeping begging for the love of my life to believe it was all a misunderstanding. To persuade him to stay by begging for his forgiveness, accepting his version over mine for the sake of him staying with me. 

I can totally see myself do the same with K to a point. It’s been 14 years since 2005. I am still here, the same romantic at heart thank god.

Life since showed me how my behavior repulsed the love of my life the more I pushed my innocent love. I have played their role the last 14 years until I got sick and tired of feeling sorry for the ones who helplessly fell in love with me like the old me did.

And so,

Today I will be top of the pops. I’m gonna hangout with my bestmate, and I’ll make him have an amazing time, hanging out with the amazing happy version bestmate me.

It is already a happily ever after. Why would you of all the men in the world not want to commit to life with me. To this amazing thing.

This is bullshit.. pfft misunderstanding.

Fuck you universe. What’s wrong with you.

try something better.