Where’s that Off Button

suffering the pointlessness to amuse the god of boredom
with each new day, it gets much harder to care.
i got so angry this morning, forcing myself to play along with the world and do the pointless book-keeping. i could not comprehend why i still need to do this shit. why these bastards are forcing me to pay money i don’t make.
keyboard and shit sent crashing onto the wall, right infront of Ru.
one thing i realised, is that material things don’t matter, at all, anymore. and that is a big big deal for me.
everyday i get angrier at the world which is constantly forcing me to be responsible for things which are pointless. everyday i get more frustrated with the numbness of the absurdity everyone is worshipping. how can they go to work and send me reminders to pay for things i don’t think are the issue right now. don’t they see??
i dont know what the issue right now is, but what it is- it is not. and it makes me angry that i can’t type with the cigarette in my mouth. i get angry that the smoke is in my face. why. and why is it cold. it shouldn’t be. and the news on the tv, shouldn’t be. and the child in the nursery this morning, got his tongue stuck on frozen metal. the amount of blood on the mountain of tissue paper is abnormal.. why? what is the point? what is the lesson?
i don’t see why i should care if ones closest to me see me in a rage, dubbing me insane. to me, life feels unreal, and so just like in a dream, there should be no consequences, why am i the only one who feels this way?
if by the 21st of December, i would be right, then why should i care, no really..
but if by the 21st of December nothing changes, then i better fucken wake up and pay the damn, second reminder of a thing to do with a business that i feel no responsibility towards.
what is the point. why not forget?
maybe because i can’t remember things that matter, i am subconsciously uncreating and forgetting all i came to know.
and if by the 21st of December nothing changes, then i have no comprehension how i will survive.
i think this is the most dangerous thing i have ever thrown myself into
the thoughts are a part of me now, and if i suppress and ignore them, i know i will go insane.
am i doomed to destroy the easy life which i was handed.. will the consequences be more severe than anything i have dealt with? then i ask you why, why have i lost all control?!! and why do i know that it is all pointless- anyway?
i dont understand happiness. i hate happy go lucky’s. i am jealous. why not me! what is this amazing lesson i should be learning? should everything my life is go to hell for me to get “it”? if all i seek is the elusive comfort zone, then why am i suffering?
i wish i was sadder than i am angry. at least sadness, i’d rather deal with.
the world does not make me sad anymore. the world just makes me furious.

and i can’t find the off button.