#Existential

Sometimes, her soul would finally awaken just enough to focus its energies. And she begins to grab her will, and shout out to the universe for intervention, a solar flare. If she could manage this action, her body starts to come alive. The actress can evoke now and she starts repossessing her self, and it brings her to life.

If her will is strong enough, the call reaches the heavens. She connects with the universe and begins receiving a magical energy, shivering, pulling and playing her body like an avatar. She knows if she lets it take over, it will intensify. But she lets it go. She has no will to do it. Deep down inside, she has lost the courage.

Why can’t I snap out of it. Hacked? hijacked?

I look at myself from the top of the room. I see the actress, numb and unwilling to act the scene of lifetimes. She knows the script, she’s the author, but she won’t will or force herself to try and play. She’s tired to even be involved in her own life story.

But why.

I was a fool for love, not anymore dear unbroken heart. A hero unwilling to answer the call, wanting to but soon slipping into amnesia. A ghost performing what it remembers it was like being alive.

I hide and cover, while some other acts on my behalf. I don’t say and do what I really want to. I retreat and let it go away. I am afraid of being caught in a real moment. Without the awakening energy, I am a frightened little girl. A hero in a fairytale that never answers the call to adventure. Spontaneity shocks me, and I stop and silence my soul. There are no other me’s within me or around me of above me. I’m on my own, and I feel unsafe to play the journey. I’m a light version of myself with minimal capabilities and compatibility issues. The upgrade to my full version needs the energy of an Awakening. Being me once between every upgrade not only strips the new powers gained but also memory is regressing into very uncomfortable corners.

So used to living alone, I treat F like a new relationship, guarded in moments of truth and masked in face of glory. If only Shakey Lulu… If only a flare.

Orgasm magic, invoking Laila, saying my name, bravely keep going after I cum.

…I forgot about Alial…

I feel so much now of empty space of memories that I have to defragment, and cut my losses.

Maybe if you took a moment into hands, forced me against a wall somewhere, and reached to kiss me, but stopped so there is only time between us. A moment of truth. A real moment, to wake me up.

But you are like me, Virgo.

I write to find a lesson somewhere in the knit of stuff. I need to know why I have allowed myself to fail. I kept trying to save myself by sending clues I find, in the short connections between boughs of amnesia, to understand what I am missing, why is it that I am regressing and not progressing. Courageousless.

Feelings of being out of tune and lost inside. Misaligned in another timeline. Unfocused and unaware, like being in a dream and then falling asleep into another. It’s hard to remember to concentrate with the life around me, hard to feel or to desire anything;

.. little to no will to participate in a fucking hero journey.

‘connect with your past to be more present now.’

‘courage is the will to overcome the fear’

Coaxing myself to possess this body with orgasm magick. The only faith I have.

If I was in a battle, I would die because I’m uninvolved, in my mind and not in my body.

religions made us fear life and living, and programmed us not to hunger for life, but the afterlife. What’s next is better.

Pagans around the planet lived in the same care for detail and meaning as we play a RGB game. Every bird has a message, every sign is a clue.

Vikings are the epitome of playing the game for their fearless thirst for being killed in battle.

Throughout the trip with F, my senses and I should have been basking in the satisfying scenes of the most wonderful daydreams. But my words and my actions, my emotions were hard to come, painstakingly forced out. I felt broken.

A husk of a ghost of a spirit that should always be within me. why do I impersonate her? Disconnected from my higherself – here and now – by purpose? Fate? Or am I broken?…