Daddy, Daddy Blue

 

I don’t know what to say..
I don’t know what to think
I don’t know where the fuck to begin
its all so untrue

unnatural
unbelievable
the feeling of indifference
guilt
confusion
responsibility
I hold full responsibility for what is happening
I know I am the only one to blame
selfish bitch
ungrateful whore
what the fuck is going on in my pity fucked up mind
daddy
I love you
I do
but I don’t know why I cant feel it
I feel nothing
because somehow I feel that its all untrue
like a dream
I was sitting in your office
waiting
un-expecting anything
I had no idea what you are about to tell me
though deep down I knew
I just sat there
looking at the coffee
waiting for the bomb
whatever it would be
I knew that I wouldn’t feel it
because I felt it coming
long, long ago
I knew it
I was waiting for it to happen
and it did
finally
here I am
writing this shit down
and I feel nothing
and that makes me feel guilty
so damn small
and ungrateful
little slut
daddy help me
what am I supposed to feel
and why aren’t I feeling it
what the hell is wrong with me
I am staring at the keyboard
clicking these letters
making these words
sentences
talk
talk
talk
cheap talk
for what
for the sake of feeling the hit
maybe it would hit me in the face
and I would stop living in my denial
in my perfect little world
where nothing wrong and bad would happen
..I feel the need to do things
fast
to stand up and do things
as much as I can
and as soon as possible
time is running out
there’s no time left
but again,
I feel its empty
untrue
no way
no fucken way
why
what should I do
daddy I love you
I cant even begin to imagine what it would be like
without you
its so silly
absurd

“maybe I always knew.. My fragile dreams would be broken, for you..” — Anathema

Daddy, daddy blue..