Could I really find someone to be Myself with

I went out with Finnish guy, math postgraduate classical piano master Juha. Moments happened when instead of blocking what I don’t like I let it wash over and let the bubble bubble me up in its sleepy arms. But luckily his inescapable attention to my being lifted my heart, and made me feel like a small child, a دلوعة ; and I liked it, I liked him and I liked myself in this state.

Of crouse that did not happen the way it did. but that is how I remembered it. In reality, in the beginning there was a hard long moment where I discovered I am feeling childish, and I didn’t like it. Soon I trust him enough not to pretend, and it made me/brain lose control; if it is a child I am feeling like, it is what my body will be doing.

I don’t think it happened before, in this way, to write a journal true account but elevating it to a fairytale pedestal, as if the whole story, detours and the journey are not the point, more like good news in a nutshell, affecting to exaggeration.

Although it is not.

But I am angry. I am not patient. Time has no boundaries and it is being wasted. Either I don’t really affect men the way I literally see with my own eyes and feel in my body and heart, or men are from planet X and women from another galaxy, or he’s a jerk.

Could I be myself with somebody. Not hide behind the reality facade, but come out and participate with my life. I want to live through my emotions which are the only thing that make me feel alive. I don’t want to be behind these eyes anymore. I want to be these hands, reaching out to touch you without thinking. I want to be happy.